I took a look at your past posts, all the way back to 2009, and I want to address a couple things.
First, I do not tell people to divorce lightly. I'm very pro-marriage and believe people should do everything they can to save the marriage and family. That doesn't always mean the marriage survives--but it does mean you can hold your head up high because you did everything you could!
Second, I grew up on a farm, so I do understand how that whole cycle works unlike some folks who just haven't lived that life, so no need to explain that to me. I think that makes talking a whole lot easier, don't you?
Okay, so here's the way I see it--tell me if you notice anything I got incorrect. Way back in 2009 (eight years ago), you signed up for this forum and you wrote that you just had this gut feeling that your wife was way too chatty with this fella, Jay, who was her old interest back in the day...like college, pre-you. Now she did MARRY you and life seemed okay, but at some point she took a job in the same company Jay and his buddy work for--way different departments and all, but same company--and that was the door he used to start things up again. At first, they texted, and you didn't see a smoking gun that she was cheating, so you asked her to stop and she said you were jealous and/or controlling etc.
Then you caught her at it again, and she said she was sorry but didn't stop. Then you caught her deleting texts, and caught her at it again and again, and a couple more times where she promised to stop but didn't. NOW--eight years later--she forgot her phone and you had a chance to look at it, and really she's been talking to this Jay fella all along, despite crying crocodile tears and telling you it was nothing and promising to stop, etc. They've been hiding it on a chat program, and she made his name be the name of his farm so you wouldn't be suspicious.
And in your head you can't decide if it is an affair or not, and is it worth blowing up your world over or not, and you're afraid if you lose her income your farm will go bankrupt, etc.
Is that about it??
Here's the thing: how do you define infidelity? unfaithfulness? adultery?
My definition is "Giving any affection, loyalty or companionship to any other person than me." (Disclaimer--I mean adult romantic love, not parent-child or siblings-family kind of love.)
See, my Dear Hubby made a promise to me during our wedding that he would FORSAKE ALL OTHERS for me only, and that he would give 100% of his affection, 100% of his loyalty, and 100% of his companionship to me. So if he were to give some affection to another person (male or female), he would be giving away to them something that BELONGED TO ME. It's not his to give!
And if he gave some small bit of loyalty to some other person (male or female) above me, then he would be giving away to them something that was MINE! And finally if he preferred the companionship of some other person (male or female) over me and was giving them his "time" and "fun", then he would be taking from me something that he promised to only me!
So my definition of infidelity is being affectionate with someone other than your spouse--being loyal to someone other than your spouse--and preferring the companionship of someone else other than your spouse.
Again--I'm talking about the kind of affection where you flirt, and get a thrill out of their attention, and send little hearts or get them little gifts, or give them compliments on their looks...adult romantic affection. And I'm talking about defending someone else or supporting them or having their back rather than being united and completely behind your spouse. And I'm talking about given the choice between spending time with your spouse and spending time with this other person...and you can't wait to spend time with someone else! Right?
So using MY definition--give me 100% or it's unfaithfulness--you tell me? Has your wife been faithful? You tell me. Has she demonstrated to you WITH HER ACTIONS that she has given and is giving ALL OF HER AFFECTION to only you? Has she acted like she can not wait to kiss you or hold your hand or cuddle up with you on the couch? Don't think about her words--think about her ACTIONS for the last eight years.
How about her loyalty? Has she demonstrated to you WITH HER ACTIONS that she is loyal to YOU and that she is standing behind her man? Has she acted like she has your back and would support you and be a united front with you even if she disagreed with you. Is it you and her against the world--or you against her? Don't think about her words--think about her ACTIONS for the last eight years.
Finally let's consider companionship. Has she demonstrated to you WITH HER ACTIONS that she wants to spend time with you--both working and having fun? Does she act like she can't wait to be with you? Does she have fun with you? Does she enjoy your company and invest her time and energy with you? OR does she rush to get to her phone? Does she act like she can't wait to 'get this over with' so she can go back to doing something with someone else--or make excuses why she can't be with you? Does she find being with you boring, hurtful or just icky? Does she dislike your company and invest her time and energy with someone else? Don't think about her words--think about her ACTIONS for the last eight years.
I think you have your answer. You don't really need to get any more of a smoking gun, do you? So what if she did or didn't sleep with some other person?
So really the question isn't, "Did she have an affair?" because in real life you know the answer to that question. NO ONE spends eight years secretly talking/texting/chatting with some other man and not have at least an emotional affair. And she is not investing her affection, loyalty and companionship with YOU. The REAL issue here is facing reality
. You don't want this to be real. You want to think that maybe there's some magical thing you could do or magical thing you could say that would make her drop Jay like a hot potato and love you! You hope that we can give you some advice that will let you keep her income, keep your income, keep your marriage, keep your family and keep your farm.
So here's the choice, @bremik
. I believe in your heart you have known for a long time that what I'm saying is true. I am a Christian person, and I do not advocate for "open marriages" or "poly amory" or that sort of thing. But right now you get to choose: do you choose to accept how things have been going now for the past 8 years--or do you choose that the past 8 years are unacceptable and you will not continue. BOTH choices have a cost and a benefit: Accept how things are going Cost
--You have to share your wife's heart and potentially her body with another man; you have to live in denial and constantly feel a little crazy Benefit
--You can keep your home and children and don't lose her income 'How things are going' is unacceptable Cost
-Lose her income, half the time with the kids, and VERY likely the farm Benefit
--You keep your self-worth because you are not sloppy seconds; you get to live in reality and have peace of mind
I won't kid you--a LOT of people choose to look past their spouse's infidelity in order to continue to live at their current standard of living. A LOT of people wring their hands and say they can't stand it anymore, and then make the decision to do nothing so they can keep their home, cars, property etc. They just don't want to say out loud that they are choosing to consciously pretend the affair didn't happen!
For you, I think the most profitable thing you can do for yourself right now is just get this through your head: FACE THE TRUTH. Your wife has already been unfaithful to you for eight years. If you do not intend to do anything about it, that is your choice: I'd say just admit to yourself out loud that you are choosing to let your wife be unfaithful. On the other hand, if you do not intend to let her continue her adultery, then that would mean that you will need to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT...and that means that even though it hurts, you will have to live without her income and face possibly losing the farm. (Rather than lose the farm, if you actually love it why don't you show her the door and get a farm hand to help out in exchange for "room and board"? Just an idea! And before you say "Oh I just couldn't...." why not? Seriously?)
figure that out first. FACE THE TRUTH. You tell us if you are going to choose to do nothing and accept it...or you are going to do something. If you are going to do nothing, I can't say everyone will agree with you, but at least you'd be honest with yourself and with us! But if you are going to do something, why then we'll talk again.
Let me know.