Re: Regaining confidence after infidelity
Thank you for all your comments.
I know I love my husband and I do want to be with him, so as far as seeing us going our separate ways that is not what I want based on my current situation. If I were unlucky enough to have this repeated then I would make my choice based upon such events.
Once it was all out in the open, my husband actually arranged for couples counselling himself, has been more than apologetic and acknowledges the guilt and remorse he feels over it all and how it was handled.
My counsellor stated that unfortunately it is very common for cheating spouses to cover their tracks for a multitude of reasons and it doesn't resonate at the time that it may be better in the long run for short term pain for long term gain, that they tend to deny in the hope that it just goes away.
Our issues have been communication based, and my husband has acknowledged that it has been his failing in not communicating with me, and taking me for granted. I think we can all be a little guilty of that sometimes, and it is a slippery slope.
In a way this has been a huge wake up call not only for him but for me as well, and some days I accept it for what it is and others I am a little woe is me!
I understand this to have been more of a casual emotional affair as opposed to a sexual affair. I know they had a mutual sporting issue which I do not share and I have sometimes felt like that sport came before me, my husband has struggled to find a balance in the past and I think this niggle between was a contributing factor.
The woman was obviously also into the same sport, and they met through sporting events, exchanged numbers on a night out, kissed on another, met up to discuss what happened on a lunch hour a few weeks after, and were texting each other through the week. My husband was on a course one week in May, and she was flying out on a hen weekend, she asked him to meet her in the airport bar and told him she was getting feelings for him. The following week I received the letter.
I have chosen to believe my husband based on what he since told me once the truth came out, and from the conversations which have involved deception and lies and from the ones that have been truthful - I know when something doesn't feel right. If I was on the outside looking in, I would be sceptical too but I think we all know what our gut is telling us when it comes to the people closest to us, its whether we choose to listen to it or not which is the problem. I knew at the time when I chose to believe their lies something was off - which is why I pursued my detective work in the beginning, and when I got to the bottom of it my gut was screaming at me 'see you should have listened to me to begin with'. But, when you lack evidence, and you don't want to believe the person you made your vows with could betray you in a way that no other person could!
One of the theories my inner circle have suggested is that she wrote the letter herself as she wasn't getting the reaction from my husband she wanted - but I am not sure.
One thing I know about my husband is that he always been quite naive and easily led. He has had a huge wake up call to his perspective on things. He said he just tried to convince himself they were friends and there was nothing wrong in what they were doing, and he even admitted to me that he couldn't see how much he was taking me for granted over the last couple years.
One of the reasons I think my husband cheated is because of his insecurities about himself; oh someone finds me interesting and attractive; oh I am not mature or secure enough to just take it with a pinch of salt. Pathetic, but at least he has realised this is his issue and has been working on that in counselling. He always felt like he was never good enough for me, or felt like he was the former fat guy he used to be and I think sometimes he sabotages things to prove he isn't good enough.
He has been very supportive and patient with me even when I am in psycho mode. What I mean when I say I have lost confidence (not in my looks, or how I am in bed or this and that) it is more about my outlook on the world; I feel like I now lack the ability to be positive; I have lost confidence in my relationship in that I feel like I worry about what ifs a lot; and I am mourning what I thought we were as a couple - yes the rose tinted glasses have fell off.
These sorts of things also highlight issues outside of your relationship, what has happened between us had made me vulnerable to getting upset about things that I have known are issues within my family but because I am feeling sensitive, everything is magnified and it shines a light on our emotional vulnerabilities.
I know this emotional affair wasn't about me, he made the choice, and he also chose to lie. I didn't hold a gun to his head and I have said this to him, he also agreed with me. I am not naive and I also know people don't cheat when everything is rosy, there are underlying issues that contribute, and I hold my hands up to any part I may have played that was a factor. It was about him, but it was also about something in our marriage that wasn't quite right too.
How do I start to build a positive outlook and empower myself emotionally, I am just sick and tired of feeling sad!