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post #16 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 06:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Regaining confidence after infidelity

Thank you for all your comments.

I know I love my husband and I do want to be with him, so as far as seeing us going our separate ways that is not what I want based on my current situation. If I were unlucky enough to have this repeated then I would make my choice based upon such events.

Once it was all out in the open, my husband actually arranged for couples counselling himself, has been more than apologetic and acknowledges the guilt and remorse he feels over it all and how it was handled.

My counsellor stated that unfortunately it is very common for cheating spouses to cover their tracks for a multitude of reasons and it doesn't resonate at the time that it may be better in the long run for short term pain for long term gain, that they tend to deny in the hope that it just goes away.

Our issues have been communication based, and my husband has acknowledged that it has been his failing in not communicating with me, and taking me for granted. I think we can all be a little guilty of that sometimes, and it is a slippery slope.

In a way this has been a huge wake up call not only for him but for me as well, and some days I accept it for what it is and others I am a little woe is me!

I understand this to have been more of a casual emotional affair as opposed to a sexual affair. I know they had a mutual sporting issue which I do not share and I have sometimes felt like that sport came before me, my husband has struggled to find a balance in the past and I think this niggle between was a contributing factor.

The woman was obviously also into the same sport, and they met through sporting events, exchanged numbers on a night out, kissed on another, met up to discuss what happened on a lunch hour a few weeks after, and were texting each other through the week. My husband was on a course one week in May, and she was flying out on a hen weekend, she asked him to meet her in the airport bar and told him she was getting feelings for him. The following week I received the letter.

I have chosen to believe my husband based on what he since told me once the truth came out, and from the conversations which have involved deception and lies and from the ones that have been truthful - I know when something doesn't feel right. If I was on the outside looking in, I would be sceptical too but I think we all know what our gut is telling us when it comes to the people closest to us, its whether we choose to listen to it or not which is the problem. I knew at the time when I chose to believe their lies something was off - which is why I pursued my detective work in the beginning, and when I got to the bottom of it my gut was screaming at me 'see you should have listened to me to begin with'. But, when you lack evidence, and you don't want to believe the person you made your vows with could betray you in a way that no other person could!

One of the theories my inner circle have suggested is that she wrote the letter herself as she wasn't getting the reaction from my husband she wanted - but I am not sure.

One thing I know about my husband is that he always been quite naive and easily led. He has had a huge wake up call to his perspective on things. He said he just tried to convince himself they were friends and there was nothing wrong in what they were doing, and he even admitted to me that he couldn't see how much he was taking me for granted over the last couple years.

One of the reasons I think my husband cheated is because of his insecurities about himself; oh someone finds me interesting and attractive; oh I am not mature or secure enough to just take it with a pinch of salt. Pathetic, but at least he has realised this is his issue and has been working on that in counselling. He always felt like he was never good enough for me, or felt like he was the former fat guy he used to be and I think sometimes he sabotages things to prove he isn't good enough.

He has been very supportive and patient with me even when I am in psycho mode. What I mean when I say I have lost confidence (not in my looks, or how I am in bed or this and that) it is more about my outlook on the world; I feel like I now lack the ability to be positive; I have lost confidence in my relationship in that I feel like I worry about what ifs a lot; and I am mourning what I thought we were as a couple - yes the rose tinted glasses have fell off.

These sorts of things also highlight issues outside of your relationship, what has happened between us had made me vulnerable to getting upset about things that I have known are issues within my family but because I am feeling sensitive, everything is magnified and it shines a light on our emotional vulnerabilities.

I know this emotional affair wasn't about me, he made the choice, and he also chose to lie. I didn't hold a gun to his head and I have said this to him, he also agreed with me. I am not naive and I also know people don't cheat when everything is rosy, there are underlying issues that contribute, and I hold my hands up to any part I may have played that was a factor. It was about him, but it was also about something in our marriage that wasn't quite right too.

How do I start to build a positive outlook and empower myself emotionally, I am just sick and tired of feeling sad!

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post #17 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 07:13 AM
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Regaining confidence after infidelity

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I received an anonymous letter the week before my husband and I married that said he was having an affair with someone from his past, that I shouldnít marry him because he was a liar and that she was pregnant and people were starting to find out about them. My husband was at work that day. I called him crying, shaking uncontrollably, a complete mess. It was the day of my bachelorette party. I didnít know what to do. He assured me he was not seeing anyone else, that it was crap. When he got home from work that day he hugged and held me, promised me it wasnít true. We have a friend who is a police detective. He talked to him, asked him if he could have the letter fingerprinted. He said he would do it. That set my mind at ease. A week later it wasnít done, we were getting married, but I believed him because he was having the letter fingerprinted. He surely wouldnít go to those lengths if he was really cheating, right? After we got married, the letter still wasnít fingerprinted. We asked our detective friend and he said it just wasnít a priority right then (understandable). Luckily for my piece of mind, my sister in law is an alcohol and drug counselor for a state run facility. They have the capability to fingerprint as well and she was able to do it for us. UNFORTUNATELY, it came back with no matches. That was disappointing, but the fact that my husband went to such great lengths to get the fingerprints done convinced me that he was not having an affair.



I had 3 suspected people that I thought could have sent the letter. My ex husband, his ex girlfriend and a guy that was a friend of ours that had a bit of a crush on me (that last suspicion didnít really pop up until much, much later).



Now please understandÖmy husband had already done other things to arouse my suspicion and hurt me. Talking to the ex girlfriend against my wishes, asking an old flame for pictures of her boobs, talking to girls on MySpace, excessive porn use, etc. But stupidly I just kept believing that this stuff would stop once we got married.



Our 9 year wedding anniversary is next month. This previous October we separated. The October before that we separated. He HAS cheated, at least over the last year and a half, with his ex girlfriend. I now wonder more than ever if that letter WAS true. I wonder if the girl he supposedly got pregnant lost the baby or if he has a child somewhere that I donít know about. I look at pictures of his ex girlfriends kids and try to see if they look like him. My husband has red hair. His ex girlfriend is mixed black and white. Her ex husband is mixed black and white. Her kids APPEAR mixed black and white with no red hair traits, but I still STARE. Her son looks like his dad, but her daughter? She doesnít look like either of them. I constantly question that letter.



My self esteem is in the toilet. Iím not a bad looking woman, but I analyze my looks constantly. My body. My personality. How I am in bed. My cooking. My cleaning. EVERY single thing about myself. Itís been a LONG 9 years after receiving that letterÖÖ


I am so sorry LH.

Btw, H didn't "go to such great lengths " to get the letter finger printed. He asked a friend and it never got done. You had to get it done. Like always.

I think they manipulated you and had no intention of ever checking the letter.
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post #18 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 12:12 PM
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I received an anonymous letter the week before my husband and I married that said he was having an affair with someone from his past, that I shouldn?t marry him because he was a liar and that she was pregnant and people were starting to find out about them. My husband was at work that day. I called him crying, shaking uncontrollably, a complete mess. It was the day of my bachelorette party. I didn?t know what to do. He assured me he was not seeing anyone else, that it was crap. When he got home from work that day he hugged and held me, promised me it wasn?t true. We have a friend who is a police detective. He talked to him, asked him if he could have the letter fingerprinted. He said he would do it. That set my mind at ease. A week later it wasn?t done, we were getting married, but I believed him because he was having the letter fingerprinted. He surely wouldn?t go to those lengths if he was really cheating, right? After we got married, the letter still wasn?t fingerprinted. We asked our detective friend and he said it just wasn?t a priority right then (understandable). Luckily for my piece of mind, my sister in law is an alcohol and drug counselor for a state run facility. They have the capability to fingerprint as well and she was able to do it for us. UNFORTUNATELY, it came back with no matches. That was disappointing, but the fact that my husband went to such great lengths to get the fingerprints done convinced me that he was not having an affair.



I had 3 suspected people that I thought could have sent the letter. My ex husband, his ex girlfriend and a guy that was a friend of ours that had a bit of a crush on me (that last suspicion didn?t really pop up until much, much later).



Now please understand?my husband had already done other things to arouse my suspicion and hurt me. Talking to the ex girlfriend against my wishes, asking an old flame for pictures of her boobs, talking to girls on MySpace, excessive porn use, etc. But stupidly I just kept believing that this stuff would stop once we got married.



Our 9 year wedding anniversary is next month. This previous October we separated. The October before that we separated. He HAS cheated, at least over the last year and a half, with his ex girlfriend. I now wonder more than ever if that letter WAS true. I wonder if the girl he supposedly got pregnant lost the baby or if he has a child somewhere that I don?t know about. I look at pictures of his ex girlfriends kids and try to see if they look like him. My husband has red hair. His ex girlfriend is mixed black and white. Her ex husband is mixed black and white. Her kids APPEAR mixed black and white with no red hair traits, but I still STARE. Her son looks like his dad, but her daughter? She doesn?t look like either of them. I constantly question that letter.



My self esteem is in the toilet. I?m not a bad looking woman, but I analyze my looks constantly. My body. My personality. How I am in bed. My cooking. My cleaning. EVERY single thing about myself. It?s been a LONG 9 years after receiving that letter??


I am so sorry LH.

Btw, H didn't "go to such great lengths " to get the letter finger printed. He asked a friend and it never got done. You had to get it done. Like always.

I think they manipulated you and had no intention of ever checking the letter.
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post #19 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 12:36 PM
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Let's have a little reality check about fingerprints.

Fingerprint analysis is a very technical, time consuming and expensive process by highly trained professionals using complex technology.

Do you really think a police dept is going to use their resources fingerprinting an annonymous letter about some guy screwing around on his wife?

Infidelity is not a crime.

Finger prints are either matched against the FBI database of prints they have on file. Which means if someone has not been arrested, their prints will not be on file.

And to finger print someone not in custody, I believe they must be supenaed by a judge.

No one ever had any intention of fingerprinting the letter. This was a bunch of BS to fool you. You were duped. This was a means of gas lighting you and deflection.

It was also a means for him to take the letter and make it disappear.

This is a major red flag and warning sign that nothing here is what it seems.
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post #20 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 12:45 PM
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Re: Regaining confidence after infidelity

The unfortunate side effect of infidelity is that it robs the victim (I use the word victim, becasue infidelity is a crime with one or more victims, always the betrayed spouse(s), and as a sideshow, the kids) of their self-esteem, self-worth and confidence. I am a madhatter, which means I cheated and was cheated on. The revenge literally made me feel as if my testes had been removed. I felt totally worthless, compounded by the fact that I had driven her to have revenge on me. Made me both perpetrator and victim.

Bottom line: none of it is true. I cheated, and robbed her of her confidence and self-esteem, and when she sought to get that back, her act did the same to me. But not so. I viewed it as both of us lowered ourselves for an act that may have some ego kibbles, but ultimately was self-degradation. I had no business with my AP. In every way, she was totally inappropriate. All that mattered to me while in the affair was the sex. I was not interested in her, her family, her interests, her intelligence, no, I was interested in the equipment between her legs and nothing else. When my head was finally ejected from my rectum, I sent her packing and began work on retrieving my marriage. My wife stated that she had to get even. I begged and pleaded. No avail as this was my sentence. After she had completed the act, I asked if it was worth it. Her remark was the sex sucked, he was physically nothing at all (I know because I had an altercation with him subsequent), his purpose was to have sex, and that was it. His purpose was to have revenge on me. She tends to characterize it differently, because she can compartmentalize and I cannot. She called it a date, justifiable because we were separated at the time. I pointed out that he was someone under any other circumstance she would have never dated. He was convenient, and therefore, just a degrading sex act she endured in order to make her point. It was cold, emotionless and absolutely deliberate.

GAP, he degraded himself. You are victim in this, do not allow it to rob you, you are worth so much more than him or the act.
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post #21 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 01:04 PM
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Re: Regaining confidence after infidelity

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I am so sorry LH.

Btw, H didn't "go to such great lengths " to get the letter finger printed. He asked a friend and it never got done. You had to get it done. Like always.

I think they manipulated you and had no intention of ever checking the letter.
In this instance, he really did try to handle it. The friend who was a detective is now since retired. He was one of Jís friends dad. Jís friend was killed in Iraq a few years after high school but he always remained friendly with his dad and they played poker together. GREAT guy. I saw the messages with J asking him when he could do it and him responding that they just didnít have the time or manpower to use resources for something like that. And J was the one that was talking to my SIL about it and got it set up for her to fingerprint it. Itís one of the few times he actually cared enough to do something about things. Unfortunately, he was already abusing porn, had text the other girl for pictures of her breasts, was talking to the other girl on MySpace, etc by this time. Given things that have happened over the years, I believe it was the male friend of ours who sent it. I found out many years later that the night I met J, the male friend had come there with the intent to ask me out. I was single, he was single and we hung out a lot because neither one of us had anything much else to do. So heíd come over and watch movies and go shopping with me and things like that, but there was never any interest there (on my part). I just thought we were friends. He was the one that told me early on in J and Iís relationship that J wasnít over his ex. He told me other things about J too but I thought he was just being an overprotective Ďfriendí/big brother. Once I found out years later that he had actually had a crush on me, thought we were going to date, etc. a lot more things made sense. He became my top suspect on sending the letter. And I think he just sent it to stop me from marrying him (the guy has some issuesÖÖ) but Iíve never been able to confirm it. The fingerprints came back unmatched. I do not think that at the time J was having an affair. With anyone. I donít think he was screwing around with his ex Ė at that time she had a young baby and was engaged herself. But that letter added to a LOT of doubt I had about him along with all of the other things that had already happened. And that letter has completely mindf*cked me for years. Truth be told, itís been about 10 years since Iíve trusted J and that letter Ė true or not Ė is part of the reason.

I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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post #22 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 01:23 PM
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Re: Regaining confidence after infidelity

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In this instance, he really did try to handle it. The friend who was a detective is now since retired. He was one of Jís friends dad. Jís friend was killed in Iraq a few years after high school but he always remained friendly with his dad and they played poker together. GREAT guy. I saw the messages with J asking him when he could do it and him responding that they just didnít have the time or manpower to use resources for something like that. And J was the one that was talking to my SIL about it and got it set up for her to fingerprint it. Itís one of the few times he actually cared enough to do something about things. Unfortunately, he was already abusing porn, had text the other girl for pictures of her breasts, was talking to the other girl on MySpace, etc by this time. Given things that have happened over the years, I believe it was the male friend of ours who sent it. I found out many years later that the night I met J, the male friend had come there with the intent to ask me out. I was single, he was single and we hung out a lot because neither one of us had anything much else to do. So heíd come over and watch movies and go shopping with me and things like that, but there was never any interest there (on my part). I just thought we were friends. He was the one that told me early on in J and Iís relationship that J wasnít over his ex. He told me other things about J too but I thought he was just being an overprotective Ďfriendí/big brother. Once I found out years later that he had actually had a crush on me, thought we were going to date, etc. a lot more things made sense. He became my top suspect on sending the letter. And I think he just sent it to stop me from marrying him (the guy has some issuesÖÖ) but Iíve never been able to confirm it. The fingerprints came back unmatched. I do not think that at the time J was having an affair. With anyone. I donít think he was screwing around with his ex Ė at that time she had a young baby and was engaged herself. But that letter added to a LOT of doubt I had about him along with all of the other things that had already happened. And that letter has completely mindf*cked me for years. Truth be told, itís been about 10 years since Iíve trusted J and that letter Ė true or not Ė is part of the reason.
Damn, LH, you had an out from the very start, you could have avoided ALL of this heartbreak.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #23 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 01:32 PM
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Re: Regaining confidence after infidelity

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I have accepted what happened and in a way at least now I know so we can move forward and try and learn from our mistakes that contributed to why it happened, but at the moment I am really struggling with 'me'. I don't know how to build myself back up and start to feel happy from the inside out.
Your loss of confidence is understandable, but as others mentioned, this was not about you, and wasnt your fault. Your H now needs to go above and beyond whatever it takes to regain your trust and mend the marriage. Make sure you hold him accountable, dont take on the blame, and dont take on the heavy lifting, ALL of that is on him. Dont let him slack. Your R will not be true or successful otherwise.

Im sorry you are here.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #24 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 01:34 PM
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Re: Regaining confidence after infidelity

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Damn, LH, you had an out from the very start, you could have avoided ALL of this heartbreak.


Great story for OP to hear. A great lesson too.
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post #25 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 01:54 PM
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Re: Regaining confidence after infidelity

Gap, I think you have a really good attitude and best wishes for you. Im really sorry you are here.

Unfortunately, there is no quick fix for an affair and no matter how resilient you are it really, really hurts.

I have reconciled with my wife now and for the most part things are good, but its been a long painful road and, even today, its not without its bumps.

I know many well meaning people will say that this was about him and not you; so you shouldnt let this hurt you. And they are 100% correct, however my mind just doesnt work that way. I felt severely emasculated by her affair and my ego took a huge hit. Its better now then it was right afterward, but I cant "unknow" the details of her affair.
It does get better. If you want, marriages can be repaired, but they require a lot of work.
Good luck.

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post #26 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 01:58 PM
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Re: Regaining confidence after infidelity

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Damn, LH, you had an out from the very start, you could have avoided ALL of this heartbreak.
I had a very early out. 5 months in I discovered the porn use and lying. A little over a year in was the request for pictures of the other girls breasts. By 1.5 in communication with the ex found. I could have walked away more times than I can count. SHOULD have. I thought I loved him too much. Turns out I just love him more than I love myself. There were times he was a decent husband. I didnít have overwhelming thoughts that he was cheating on me. But trust? Thatís been gone for over 10 years. Weíve been together 11 and a half.

I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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post #27 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 02:55 PM
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Re: Regaining confidence after infidelity

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I am so sorry LH.

Btw, H didn't "go to such great lengths " to get the letter finger printed. He asked a friend and it never got done. You had to get it done. Like always. I think they manipulated you and had no intention of ever checking the letter.
Of course the snake had no intention of his buddy actually doing it. I'm surprised you even got it back considering what a liar he is. I would have expected him to tell his buddy to throw it away and tell you it had been damaged or lost.

Serial cheaters are such low lives.
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post #28 of 28 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 04:13 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Regaining confidence after infidelity

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Gap, I think you have a really good attitude and best wishes for you. Im really sorry you are here.

Unfortunately, there is no quick fix for an affair and no matter how resilient you are it really, really hurts.

I have reconciled with my wife now and for the most part things are good, but its been a long painful road and, even today, its not without its bumps.

I know many well meaning people will say that this was about him and not you; so you shouldnt let this hurt you. And they are 100% correct, however my mind just doesnt work that way. I felt severely emasculated by her affair and my ego took a huge hit. Its better now then it was right afterward, but I cant "unknow" the details of her affair.
It does get better. If you want, marriages can be repaired, but they require a lot of work.
Good luck.
Thank you for your comments. It is good to hear someone say that I have a good attitude to all of this because I do feel like I have tried to tackle it all head on and just pulled up my socks so to speak and try and learn from it.

Some days you have to really fight the demons and this is so unfair/woe is me act. Because, there is always worse going on in the world etc but sometimes you just can't believe how much it bloody hurts! I know time is a great healer, and yes it is very hard work - just miss that comfortable feeling we had, before all the elephant in the room.

I hope you and your wife are in a much better place now @GavinM
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