Drip Fed Lies - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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  • 7 Post By tropicalbeachiwish
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post #1 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 01:48 PM Thread Starter
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Drip Fed Lies

I could really use some good advice on what to do about my husband drip feeding his lies over multiple years.

It has taken my husband 5 years and his second round in therapy to confess that he had a physical affair. The OW said they had a connection....in 4 weeks...is that even possible?

It has also taken him 7/8 years to confess he spoke to other women on dating sites.

13 years to confirm he arranged to go to a brothel and panicked at the last minute.

He says it was just a form of escapism as he felt rejected by me.

We have been together 20+ years and lies have played a major part in the relationship. Yet again he wants me to a draw a line under all this and rebuild trust. Is that even a remote possibility?

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post #2 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 01:57 PM
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Re: Drip Fed Lies

Take his confessions and multiply by 100x. He's done a lot more than what he's trickling in to you.

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #3 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 01:57 PM
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Re: Drip Fed Lies

OP,
Is it possible? That is a question open to much debate. The true answer lies in whether or not he has actually grown. If he has, which is nearly, if not completely, impossible for most people, then you can place trust in him. If he has not then your trust will be broken again, guaranteed. I sincerely wish there were some intensive test that could be administered to determine, without doubt, if growth has occurred but sadly I know of no such procedure. It then befalls we BSs to try to determine that as best we can. It is a difficult task indeed.
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post #4 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 02:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Drip Fed Lies

I don't believe him. I got a polygraph done to find out if any other sexual contact other than the one he eventually confessed to had taken place in the marriage. The question was anything from a passionate kiss to full blown intercourse...he passed
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post #5 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 02:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Drip Fed Lies

No he has just recently discovered the damage caused or taken it on board. He is speaking to a therapist as he suppresses all emotions.
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post #6 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 02:33 PM
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Re: Drip Fed Lies

No it's not possible.

It's sort of like throwing good money after bad money only it's time not money and as you get older, time is more important than money.
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post #7 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 02:44 PM
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Re: Drip Fed Lies

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Originally Posted by Gutted247 View Post
No he has just recently discovered the damage caused or taken it on board. He is speaking to a therapist as he suppresses all emotions.
People can and do change, but it's rare. If a person has spent his entire life stuffing his emotions, it will take a long, long time for him to stop doing that. It's how he operates and probably why he has cheated. Rather than actually dealing with the issues and facing his own issues, he self soothes in ways that actually create more problems - doing more harm than good. In order to stop doing this, it will take years of therapy and a ton of patience from you.

If you are willing to support him in this, realize that he is going to be unhealthy for years to come. Finally if/when he does the hard work you may be rewarded or things may be so different by then that you end up divorced anyway.

Know that he will relapse. Of those who truly make the necessary changes, almost 100% of those people relapse before getting back up and continuing the hard work again.

If you do decide to stick with him through this process, I highly recommend that you look into codependency. Most people who would even consider staying married under these circumstances have codependency issues. I recommend you read Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-N...endent+no+more
and
Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives, by Pia Mellody
https://www.amazon.com/Facing-Codepe...by+pia+mellody

For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:
The Feminine Review

Standard Evidence Thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ence-post.html
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post #8 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 02:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Drip Fed Lies

Thank you, I think he may also have a personality disorder as emotional, verbal and physical abuse has been present for most of the relationship. Frequent gaslighting and manipulation have been in place. I feel very dependent on him and struggle to find the strength to leave.
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post #9 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 02:57 PM
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Re: Drip Fed Lies

How was your marriage? Great and frequent intimacy? What exactly are we trying to save here?
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post #10 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 03:05 PM
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Re: Drip Fed Lies

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How was your marriage? Great and frequent intimacy? What exactly are we trying to save here?


She needs our help to leave, not stay.

Physical abuse.

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post #11 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 03:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Drip Fed Lies

No it's awful at times. Intimacy was great in the beginning and what I thought was an and honest relationship quickly turned sour. Expecting intimacy in the evening after a day of verbal abuse. It's been confusing all along as I have always considered my husband to be very intelligent and switched on. It's only in last few months I have been told by his therapist about his emotional stunted growth or childhood trauma may be a problem.

To answer your question in the early years I became very withdrawn from him.
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post #12 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 03:34 PM
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Re: Drip Fed Lies

I can see a lot farther than most of the other TAMMERs.

I can see no hope in remaining with this man.

Divorce him. Take your fifty percent of the assets and find another man who still has his Hundred percent........... of his assets.

A new man who needs no "fixing."

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #13 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 03:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Drip Fed Lies

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I can see a lot farther than most of the other TAMMERs.

I can see no hope in remaining with this man.

Divorce him. Take your fifty percent of the assets and find another man who still has his Hundred percent........... of his assets.

A new man who needs no "fixing."
Thank you

I am 39 and now feel completely hopeless about any sort of future.

The biggest problem is I love my husband and don't feel I could live without him. Part of me wants to run a mile and the other part of me is frozen.
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post #14 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 03:52 PM
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Cool Re: Drip Fed Lies

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Originally Posted by tropicalbeachiwish View Post
Take his confessions and multiply by 100x. He's done a lot more than what he's trickling in to you.
This is the definition of "triple-truth," pure and simple!

Time for a "Come to Jesus Meeting" with him, followed up by a visit to a good "piranha" family attorney to help explore all of your legal rights!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html

Last edited by arbitrator; 04-03-2017 at 04:04 PM. Reason: Edification
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post #15 of 15 (permalink) Old 04-03-2017, 03:55 PM
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Re: Drip Fed Lies

@EleGirl <--calling for you. (She has great tips for abusive relationships)

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"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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