I'm just over three years from my d-day, my journey incomplete, my healing not complete. Healing has been slow, but intentionally, as I want the best marriage possible. The work is hard, I've felt like tapping out many times, but the bigger picture requires you to keep moving forward. Many here believe I should have divorced, many times I about did, but that was not the best path for me. Reconciliation was my best path, and I knew if I chose it, the work would be incredibly difficult.
I had difficulties with many aspects of healing myself and the marriage. So many nuances that arise to the surface that hadn't been thought of, until your journey brings you to that moment. The highs and lows are tremendous at times, and going backwards is so very easy to do. Strength you never knew you had nor could ever have is needed from both spouses. Empathy and compassion need to be present, remorse and communication are also of key importance by both spouses. Reconciliation is a gift, a gift that should be held as sacred, for infidelity killed the marriage you once had.
In my journey I have been suicidal, I took action, and ultimately I failed at taking my own life. Infidelity can consume you to incredible depths, make you take actions you not once thought you were capable of. I entered into IC, we have done MC, and that has helped. Every betrayed spouse needs to learn quickly that they will be healthy with whatever they decide. You will survive.
My life has changed completely, I made many mistakes I wish I had a second chance with. We have worked through most of these and are beginning to find happiness both individually and together. The boys have been shielded as much as humanly possible, they are innocent, but will one day know what happened. My IC is taking lead on how and when to involve the boys. I will not have them live a lie.
Trust is beginning to build in me with my wife. This has taken quite a bit of vulnerability on my part to allow the trust to build. My wife can do everything right, even be perfect, but my being vulnerable is how trust builds. Giving my heart to my wife to care for builds trust, and it's hard to give your heart again.
Sometimes reading stories here can trigger you to your core. They can bring anger knowing how that betrayed spouse feels. Seeing that betrayed spouse as you once before, needing any kind of help just to make it through a day. That's how I was for a long time here, I still get angry, but it's cathartic to my healing to post.
What would I tell a person who wishes to reconcile? Reconciliation must come from a position of strength. That you aren't a weak person for your choice, only you know the entire story. Live your life according to you, not what others think you should do. Find the best possible path for yourself to become a more healthy person. In order to care for others you need to be healthy yourself, get yourself healthy then care for the family and marriage. Understand that you becoming healthy can take some time, but then you will become stronger to move through reconciliation.
, I feel for you in your situation, it's not easy, but it can be done. Cheating twice will make your reconciliation more difficult, trust harder to build, and being vulnerable even more difficult. With that being said I still believe it can be done. Self reflect into yourself deeply, find your flaws and apply a solution. Approach each other differently and respectfully for positive communication. Teach yourself new coping skills, gather a toolbox for your new solutions, implement them and discard previous bad habits. Don't argue, get angry and lose control of your emotions. Instead communicate positively and when anger arises come back to the discussion at a later time. Have boundaries firmly in place, no questions about them.
I wish you well and best of luck in your journey. God bless.