Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 12:23 PM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

Mizzbak

I'm just over three years from my d-day, my journey incomplete, my healing not complete. Healing has been slow, but intentionally, as I want the best marriage possible. The work is hard, I've felt like tapping out many times, but the bigger picture requires you to keep moving forward. Many here believe I should have divorced, many times I about did, but that was not the best path for me. Reconciliation was my best path, and I knew if I chose it, the work would be incredibly difficult.

I had difficulties with many aspects of healing myself and the marriage. So many nuances that arise to the surface that hadn't been thought of, until your journey brings you to that moment. The highs and lows are tremendous at times, and going backwards is so very easy to do. Strength you never knew you had nor could ever have is needed from both spouses. Empathy and compassion need to be present, remorse and communication are also of key importance by both spouses. Reconciliation is a gift, a gift that should be held as sacred, for infidelity killed the marriage you once had.

In my journey I have been suicidal, I took action, and ultimately I failed at taking my own life. Infidelity can consume you to incredible depths, make you take actions you not once thought you were capable of. I entered into IC, we have done MC, and that has helped. Every betrayed spouse needs to learn quickly that they will be healthy with whatever they decide. You will survive.

My life has changed completely, I made many mistakes I wish I had a second chance with. We have worked through most of these and are beginning to find happiness both individually and together. The boys have been shielded as much as humanly possible, they are innocent, but will one day know what happened. My IC is taking lead on how and when to involve the boys. I will not have them live a lie.

Trust is beginning to build in me with my wife. This has taken quite a bit of vulnerability on my part to allow the trust to build. My wife can do everything right, even be perfect, but my being vulnerable is how trust builds. Giving my heart to my wife to care for builds trust, and it's hard to give your heart again.

Sometimes reading stories here can trigger you to your core. They can bring anger knowing how that betrayed spouse feels. Seeing that betrayed spouse as you once before, needing any kind of help just to make it through a day. That's how I was for a long time here, I still get angry, but it's cathartic to my healing to post.

What would I tell a person who wishes to reconcile? Reconciliation must come from a position of strength. That you aren't a weak person for your choice, only you know the entire story. Live your life according to you, not what others think you should do. Find the best possible path for yourself to become a more healthy person. In order to care for others you need to be healthy yourself, get yourself healthy then care for the family and marriage. Understand that you becoming healthy can take some time, but then you will become stronger to move through reconciliation.

@Mizzbak, I feel for you in your situation, it's not easy, but it can be done. Cheating twice will make your reconciliation more difficult, trust harder to build, and being vulnerable even more difficult. With that being said I still believe it can be done. Self reflect into yourself deeply, find your flaws and apply a solution. Approach each other differently and respectfully for positive communication. Teach yourself new coping skills, gather a toolbox for your new solutions, implement them and discard previous bad habits. Don't argue, get angry and lose control of your emotions. Instead communicate positively and when anger arises come back to the discussion at a later time. Have boundaries firmly in place, no questions about them.

I wish you well and best of luck in your journey. God bless.


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post #17 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 04:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

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Originally Posted by DepressedDiva View Post
Anyways, I am still on the fence, I cannot decide whether I want to divorce or reconcile and I keep looking for good arguments for divorce OR for reconciliation.
DepressedDiva -
A big leap forward in my thinking happened when I realised that deciding to try reconciling didn't mean that I was agreeing to reconcile. It just meant that I was willing to see whether I could. It may feel like semantics, but actually it's more like I agreed to a trial run. With the new software installed - because any marriage is irrevocably changed by infidelity. For me, it was about understanding what those changes were (and whether I can or want to live with them or even try to).

As I said, a big part of this period has been uncomfortable levels of honesty between my husband and I. I've seen my husband's remorse come through very clearly since I've opened myself up and allowed him to see the extent of the damage his choices caused me. That degree of trust and vulnerability wouldn't have been possible if we weren't trying to reconcile. I think that even if this process is not successful in terms of saving our marriage, I would value this time because it is bringing about healing and forgiveness that would not have been possible if we were separated and without the hope that our marriage might survive. As circuitous as that logic sounds. When I hear and see a lot of the pain and anger that some posters here feel towards their ex's, I know that I don't want that to colour my relationship with my husband forever. This way, even if our marriage didn't survive, as last we would part in some harmony (feeling like an Abba song).

If I'm bluntly honest, the best emotional argument for pursuing reconciliation was acknowledging that if I chose to walk away, then my husband was entitled to find someone else. That it would be morally OK for another woman to share his heart, his life and our children. So much not OK with that. Most days I feel good about where we are. Sometimes, especially when he has to travel on business or is very focused on work, I feel worried that this weird marriage bootcamp that we're in is not sustainable. But, mostly I feel good.

I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more. ― C.S. Lewis

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post #18 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 04:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

@TBT and @Seasong - thank you for your good wishes.

TBT - I've been looking at the Reconciliation thread - I'm going to have to pace myself, but I have already had a lot of value from it. Thank you.

I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more. ― C.S. Lewis

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post #19 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 05:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

@TaDor, sometimes it terrifies me that my husband's recent affair only stopped because the OW forgot to delete a somewhat suspicious WhatsApp from my husband on her phone. If her husband hadn't found it (and he was looking), then they would have carried on. I firmly believe that they were only a few weeks away from having a full-blown sexual relationship. And I believe that that would have ended our marriage. (My husband takes sex very seriously.)

In retrospect, I could feel the shift in his behaviour towards me in those last 2-3 weeks of the affair. He said some hurtful things and he was ... well, just very different to how he normally is. Usually I stand up for myself, but I was very passive in response because I didn't understand where it was coming from, and I was still in a bit of a depression fog. I also didn't want to admit to myself that he could possibly be being unfaithful to me. In my mind, his first affair was always an anomaly - he knew the damage that it had caused, so he would never do it again. The reality I know now, is that I am married to a man who does have a serious character flaw when it comes to controlling his desire for adoration and attention. But because both of us now know it to be real, and acknowledge it as such, it is part of the fabric of our relationship. We discuss it openly. If I was married to a man who developed a drug, alcohol or gambling addiction, I suspect that I would respond similarly. Firstly he needs to (and is) work significantly on his self-awareness in this area; and secondly we have agreed on boundaries that allow me to feel that I might trust him in the future. It isn't about blame exactly, but rather about acknowledgement and then management. Just like my anger issues or my ADHD and depression diagnoses have an impact on our marriage ... and our children and families, so does this aspect of his character.

Finally- as to whether he had any other affairs. At my request, the polygraph examiner asked my husband about this and was satisfied that he answered truthfully when he answered negatively. I may have been oblivious to the first affair, but I did know about the second. Well before it got so dangerous. I just didn't want to admit it to myself. So that is different going forward.

This post has been somewhat depressing to write. Mostly because I can see how it documents how my naive and romantic dream of love and how marriage works has died. But I do believe that what my husband and I are working towards now is a far more real and robust version of love. The type of love that acknowledges flaws and failings as much as it does strengths and triumphs.

I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more. ― C.S. Lewis

FINE PRINT: My post is simply my own opinion (unless indicated otherwise). Which I believe I am entitled to express, as best as I can.
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post #20 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 05:50 PM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

Reconciliation sounds like something you both want, and that is the requirement. I'll give you both homework... if you both love each other and want to stay.

Buy 2 copies of this book (one for each of you) - its 400+ pages long: Not Just Friends (mine is marked up quite a bit) - read first.
https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Frie.../dp/0743225503

After the Affair is apparently a good book, I have it - but I've not read it yet. It's next after my current book... His Needs Her Needs.
https://www.amazon.com/His-Needs-Her...willard+harley

Things are not perfect, but things are better than before the affair - because of improved communication and her not drinking booze like it was water, daily. We are both recovering from the effects of the affair. I think we'll make it... I hope we make it. But I no longer have such expectations of anything like that in life towards anyone... 100% trust. I never will.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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post #21 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 09:55 PM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

Mizzbak

If I may ask, what is it that you feel is or could be lacking in your reconciliation? If nothing is really lacking, what has bothered you the most of your husbands affairs? The difficulties that were hard for you to accept. I can tell you the fact my wife gave herself away for a few compliments astounds me. Sex for me is far deeper then that, it's the total giving of each other to the other. Not to be gross or to much detail, but a female allows someone inside them, I leave a part of me with the female, that's not just something you give away. I struggled with this for a long time, and part of the problem is I can't place myself in my wife's shoes regarding the fantasy of an affair.

The deception was another aspect I struggled with. My wife for two and a half years denied any kind of affair. I was going crazy, my gut screamed, yet I couldn't find anything. I look back now and realize how stupid I was, all the mistakes I made because there was no way my wife would cheat. No way my wife could cheat, it just wasn't something she was capable of I kept thinking. Then I found an email, four damn words was all it was, "are you still enjoying". No period or question mark, no reply sent back. Finding that email I went into interrogation mode, nothing but kindness and the feeling of safety. She cracked, over two nights I heard nothing but a nightmare. Two days later I find out the twins aren't mine.

The twins were two and a half at that time, I suspected an affair but I was completely blindsided by the paternity. Completely lost my MC took control, she did everything she could to ensure I would make it. She checked in on me regularly, made sure I was safe, until I found a night I was ready to end it all. No more pain I would feel, no more lies, just me and my weapon. After that night I found out something else I failed at. I never told my MC, in my mind I was too far gone for just attempting.

Infidelity can bring you to your knees, make you do things you didn't think possible. Today, I am living proof that you can make it, you can have happiness and peace once again. And all of this can be had without a divorce. Both spouses have to commit, not try, but fully commit to the marriage. You have to self reflect to find what you brought to the marriage that was toxic. By no means am I perfect, I'm far from it, but I have committed myself fully to my reconciliation. I have committed myself to my wife, to my family, and to God. It can't be done on your own, you need more then just yourself, more then just God to be truthful. Reconciliation is full commitment or just walk away.

I give you so much credit for staying after being cheated on twice. I can only hope that your husband realizes the grace you have extended to him. The forgiveness that would be excruciating to give, the pain you must have felt and worked through. You are a strong person to do what you are doing, I hope your husband is as strong also.

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post #22 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 02:36 AM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

I know that my ex H had emotional affairs with people online at the steep decline of our marriage. Not sure if they ever went physical, but we were toast then anyway.

I'm all for reconciliation if both parties are 100% engaged for the hard work ahead. In my case, there was nothing to even attempt to salvage.

It's true that we don't see too many reconciliation journeys here anymore since I started posting to TAM. I have a rather clear cut template in my mind of what is needed for successful R, kind of like ingredients for baking a cake. There are some ingredients you can substitute, like applesauce for eggs, but you know the consistency and the taste will be different. If you're OK with that, you can still enjoy the cake and it works. Some things you just can't substitute without having to gag the cake down and some ingredients you simply can't do without and still be able to call it a cake.

My advice to anyone going through R, for what it's worth, is that if you are consistently getting back less than you put in, then it's time to get the heck out. However, if you can both put in the needed work and you can do this with consistent respect and love, even on the horrible trigger days, then there's a chance you can complete the journey and come out the other side a stronger couple. The willingness and patience is a GIFT from you, @Mizzbak, a gift from someone willing to offer a second (or even third) chance, and I urge you not to forget that as you go through this journey.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #23 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:13 AM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

Let me start by saying that only the person in the marriage alone with the other spouse can ultimately decide if the marriage is worth saving. With that said, for me, forgiving my husband for his affair is the hardest and most painful thing I ever had to do so far in my life. Forgiveness is a choice that I have to remind myself often that I chose. Many things went into choosing to forgive him. First, I had to admit that no one is perfect. Secondly, I had to realize that his affair isn't a reflection of me in terms of my self worth, my beauty, my self esteem or my ability to meet his needs. His affair is his choice only and as a result his responsibility. Unfortunately, his choice to cheat damaged our relationship irrevocably. Many times the BS view this choice to cheat made by their partner means that they are lacking in some sense when in reality the one who is lacking is that spouse who is choosing to have the affair. My husband has yet been able to concretely give me an explanation as to why he cheated or what he was searching for in a relationship with another.

After 4 years, I still struggle with triggers and fully trusting him. I had to find a new normal in our relationship. The broken trust is the hardest aspect to contend with as it will never be as before the affair. In some ways, I have found an inner strength that forces me to realize that after the romantic love fades the choice to choose love is a daily affirmation. Just as he chose to damage us, I also can choose to leave. I had to let him know that I chose to forgive him but under any circumstances will I forgive him another. I can love him and not be married to him if his actions continually cause me pain. He also had to realize that it's his responsibility to be transparent without resentment and that healing from this has no time limit. I don't use the affair against him but he has to remain sensitive to the fact that my triggers aren't going to go away according to his time frame. Living with someone who has hurt me so deeply is the hardest choice I had ever made.

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post #24 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 03:26 PM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

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Are there any other BS's here in CWI who are also trying reconciliation, who would like to share some of their thoughts/feelings/frustrations?

Reconciliation after infidelity is one of the most difficult things that I've tried to do. But, I'm also comfortable (most of the time) that I've made the right decision to try. I guess I'm asking whether anyone else might like to share any part of their journey? The intention would be to be open about what we're going through, so that we don't feel quite so alone.

So, to introduce myself
I joined TAM last year, after finding out about my husband's second affair (the first happened more than 10 years ago, and was rugswept by both of us). I have been "lucky" in that I found out about both affairs when they were already over, so I never dealt with an unrepentant WS. I suspect that I would not handle this well. (I still feel such a sense of unreality when I type/write the words "my husband's affair".) Whilst his more recent affair did get physical, as well as emotional, he has not been sexually unfaithful to me. I found the advice that I got here at CWI to be very useful in that it spurred me on to DO something, rather than just wallow in misery and angst. My husband had a polygraph to confirm his claim that he had not had sex with his AP. We're several months of counselling in (both individual and marriage), and I am hopeful that our marriage will survive this.

Why I chose reconciliation over divorce
We have two, youngish children and a large number of practical considerations that have weighted things in favour of trying reconciliation. But the dominant factor is that I love my husband (and believe that he loves me), however imperfectly that might be. My husband was genuinely remorseful and also wanted to try to save our marriage and took action to do so. For me, my marriage without the affair in it, is a good one. I did seriously consider divorce.

My current biggest concerns
For a long while, I battled to understand how my husband could say that he loved me (even during the affair) and still seek out another woman. I have come to understand that the feelings that we have for each other are incredibly complex - that love, resentment, pride, pain are all part of the soup that I feel when I think of him. And that he feels a similar soup in return. I am very much of the "love is a decision" school, and he is a far more romantic soul. I think that this was one of the greatest weaknesses of our relationship - I hadn't realised how much he interpreted this as the apparent absence of romantic love on my part.

It is still difficult to reconcile my husband (as a hands-on father with a strong sense of duty and responsibility) with a man who could behave the way he did. I think that I have largely forgiven him for his actions, but the reality of learning to trust him again is challenging. I don't think he is having an affair now, but I still sometimes track him via his phone and emails/messages etc. The need to do this has shrunk a lot, but I think that it will be with me for some time to come. I still get triggers from some of the oddest things (I thought of starting a thread titled "Your strangest trigger").

On the plus side, my husband and I are far more honest with one another than we have ever been before. Because the stakes are very high, he is trying very hard to reach out to me. In the past, I would have said that I drove the more emotional aspects of our intimacy. Now, this comes from both of us. The increased closeness can be very uncomfortable and we have been having a lot of painful discussions. But now I feel apart from him when we haven't had an intimate conversation in more than a couple of days. And I think that is a good thing.
I'd really love advice on all fronts. I've chosen to try and work on my marriage. I'm still in the dark days, but have hope in a few things.
My H didn't have affairs as such but did meet 7 men off a swinging site for oral sex. He is bi sexual, he's also done a polygraph to confirm no full sex happened or kissing, he literally turned up got a bj and left. He stopped December last year but I found out 2 weeks ago, I feel so broken. We have 2 children under two. I know he's not gay, he's a complex man, he doesn't emotionally connect to man and he certainly doesn't want to touch one. However is happy to get bjs off them. Really odd I know, but is my is what it is.
I also know he's liked the attention off these swinging sites.
Anyway he's desperate to keep our marriage, he ill offer to leave his phone, takes pictures when he's out at my request and is seeking counselling. He's very remorseful. This is my hope. Out side of the infidelity he's an amazing father, friend and husband to me ( outside of the infidelity).
He is Bi so when I question why not women from the site, he said because they are to involved, they are emotionally more needy they might push for kissing and sex and selfishly he didn't want to have to work at making them cum. He's not like that with me.
So his infidelity was sexual not emotionally needy.
This also helps me process.
Aside of this I'm still devastated, I still can't believe this man did this to me, I'm just so shocked. It's still so incredibly raw. Trigger points are stupid, but there. Some days are better than others. Sex has been fantastic though. It's such a bizarre place I find myself in.
Anyway we do want to try and bring R, I'm not ignorant to how long this may take, so for me on my personal journey through this and so grateful to read positive posts that may help me through my dark days.
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post #25 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 05:33 PM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

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Mizzbak

I'm just over three years from my d-day, my journey incomplete, my healing not complete. Healing has been slow, but intentionally, as I want the best marriage possible. The work is hard, I've felt like tapping out many times, but the bigger picture requires you to keep moving forward. Many here believe I should have divorced, many times I about did, but that was not the best path for me. Reconciliation was my best path, and I knew if I chose it, the work would be incredibly difficult.

I had difficulties with many aspects of healing myself and the marriage. So many nuances that arise to the surface that hadn't been thought of, until your journey brings you to that moment. The highs and lows are tremendous at times, and going backwards is so very easy to do. Strength you never knew you had nor could ever have is needed from both spouses. Empathy and compassion need to be present, remorse and communication are also of key importance by both spouses. Reconciliation is a gift, a gift that should be held as sacred, for infidelity killed the marriage you once had.

In my journey I have been suicidal, I took action, and ultimately I failed at taking my own life. Infidelity can consume you to incredible depths, make you take actions you not once thought you were capable of. I entered into IC, we have done MC, and that has helped. Every betrayed spouse needs to learn quickly that they will be healthy with whatever they decide. You will survive.

My life has changed completely, I made many mistakes I wish I had a second chance with. We have worked through most of these and are beginning to find happiness both individually and together. The boys have been shielded as much as humanly possible, they are innocent, but will one day know what happened. My IC is taking lead on how and when to involve the boys. I will not have them live a lie.

Trust is beginning to build in me with my wife. This has taken quite a bit of vulnerability on my part to allow the trust to build. My wife can do everything right, even be perfect, but my being vulnerable is how trust builds. Giving my heart to my wife to care for builds trust, and it's hard to give your heart again.

Sometimes reading stories here can trigger you to your core. They can bring anger knowing how that betrayed spouse feels. Seeing that betrayed spouse as you once before, needing any kind of help just to make it through a day. That's how I was for a long time here, I still get angry, but it's cathartic to my healing to post.

What would I tell a person who wishes to reconcile? Reconciliation must come from a position of strength. That you aren't a weak person for your choice, only you know the entire story. Live your life according to you, not what others think you should do. Find the best possible path for yourself to become a more healthy person. In order to care for others you need to be healthy yourself, get yourself healthy then care for the family and marriage. Understand that you becoming healthy can take some time, but then you will become stronger to move through reconciliation.

@Mizzbak, I feel for you in your situation, it's not easy, but it can be done. Cheating twice will make your reconciliation more difficult, trust harder to build, and being vulnerable even more difficult. With that being said I still believe it can be done. Self reflect into yourself deeply, find your flaws and apply a solution. Approach each other differently and respectfully for positive communication. Teach yourself new coping skills, gather a toolbox for your new solutions, implement them and discard previous bad habits. Don't argue, get angry and lose control of your emotions. Instead communicate positively and when anger arises come back to the discussion at a later time. Have boundaries firmly in place, no questions about them.

I wish you well and best of luck in your journey. God bless.
This is super helpful, thank you so much for sharing x

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post #26 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 06:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

@JayOwen, thank you very much for your frankness and openness. I can identify with so much of what you said.

I've told my husband that I do believe that right now, he thinks he loves me. But that I'm not sure that he actually does. That it's actually the threat (of losing his family and lifestyle, the respect of those he cares about and even compromising our longer term plans) that has driven him to convince himself that, of course, he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I know that he struggles so much with knowing that his lies and deceit have made it difficult for me to take any loving words at face value. I agree with you that the only way that I'll ever know for sure is with time. But sometimes it's hard to wait for that. He has given me full transparency ito devices, accounts, diary etc. He answers any questions I still have as fully as he can. He doesn't try to deflect my pain or his guilt. But what I really want is to see inside his heart.

My husband's emails to his first AP were romantic, almost flowery in nature. After I found them, I stopped responding to anything similar in his emails/messages to me. He has said how constrained he felt in expressing his love for me over the last 10 years because of this. He recently told me that he wasn't going to let that happen now. That he was going to carry on telling me that he loves me verbally and in writing, even though he knows that right now, I doubt it. Because he believes that having the meaning on his side is enough right now - and that with time, I'll believe it on mine. So I guess, that's trust from him too.

When we rugswept after his first affair, he went to IC for a few sessions to make me happy. He didn't get much out of it. Clearly. This time he went off his own bat, agreeing with me that he needed to understand this part of himself. He went for several months, but recently stopped because his therapist's wife got very ill. I am encouraging him to try and find someone else, but he's really busy at work and very tired. I get a lot out of IC, but I'm not sure that he does. He said to me tonight that he feels he should only go if he's getting something out of it. That our MC and personal conversations are actually more helpful to his growth than the IC was. I came close to pulling rank and saying that he has to make a plan to go, but I want him to want to go. Your comments about your wife "fooling" the therapist struck home. Him going just to keep me quiet doesn't help at all; and neither does IC necessarily ensure that he reaches the point in personal growth where he wouldn't cheat again. How will I know when he has? (You know those stick-on temperature gauges - I want a cheat-o-meter.)

Ignore me on that - it's late. Yes, I agree. Trust is such a complicated animal. Slow-growing also.

I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more. ― C.S. Lewis

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post #27 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 06:53 PM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

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(You know those stick-on temperature gauges - I want a cheat-o-meter.)
Ha! If you find someone selling them pick up a spare for me too.

I hear a lot of familiar thoughts in your posts. For me it's when she sends me a cute text message or something -- I appreciate the gesture, but it immediately gets me thinking about the broader context (both that I now know how fake such cute messages were for her in years past, and conversely how genuinely she meant it when she sent such messages to the other guy). Really makes it hard to say "Wait, is that real ... or are you just following the only relationship patterns that you know?"

Sometimes feels like relationships I had when I was younger, where the fun faded for one or the other person, and then there was that awkward dance of everyone politely insisting everything was okay right up until the moment somebody got dumped. Sometimes I was the dumper, sometimes I was the dumpee. But I remember on both sides there was that sense of trying to make something work because it seemed like it should. Obviously a marriage isn't like that, but there's that same sense of "not knowing what the other person really meant" -- it was annoying then and it's murderous now.

As for your guy, I'd agree that he should find someone else for IC -- sounds like maybe the first person wasn't helping as much anyway (or had run its course). Worth a shot (or three).

Lastly, I hope you're finding a few moments here and there where you still enjoy his company -- even if only by actively NOT thinking about everything. Even if it doesn't soothe the doubts after the moment passes, at least it's nice to be reminded why you're even considering trying. I take those very seriously for myself. Even if they don't feel as golden as they once did, they're still important I think.
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post #28 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 07:04 PM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

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Trigger points are stupid, but there.
Don't minimize your feelings. As much as the word "trigger" has been abused by pop-culture lately I absolutely think they are valid, painful, and deserving of respect.

All sorts of things trigger me -- there's half a dozen stores and restaurants I won't set foot in any more. Mint chapstick -- right out. The list goes on. And you know what? It's valid!

It reminds me in a split second of the worst emotional pain I've ever experienced.

You're absolutely allowed to call those things out. And I certainly hope he's not trying to tell you you're overreacting.

You're two weeks into this. You're right in the middle of the crap. That great sex is going to fade soon, and the anger is going to start to bubble up. In other words, your compass is still spinning. I wouldn't commit to anything either way until it calms down -- then again, I'm terrible at all this so take my advice with a grain of salt.

I can't really tell you if reconciliation works. I'm not only not sure I'm doing it right, or doing it all, it's only been five months.

Everyone I've ever talked to about this has said that the process takes YEARS to recover from. So take it one step at a time.

Oh, and if you're not already get in to see someone -- a therapist, counselor, whatever (I would personally avoid religious counsel as it seems there's a bias towards "forgive and forget" instead of "remorse and work through" but that's just me). Good luck lady -- tough road ahead, be strong!
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post #29 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 07:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

@drifting on
I have so many things to say in response to your post. But because it is late where I am (and I tend to get even wordier when tired), I am going to limit myself tonight to this-

The call to look critically inward at ourselves. I've seen it before in your posts elsewhere. It speaks to me, even though I resent the circumstances of hearing it so much. It is so easy to say - I am the betrayed spouse. I should not have to change. I am just fine as I am. Why should I (the one who has been wronged) have to go through even the tiniest bit of additional pain? To have to acknowledge that just as he has damaged me, so I have damaged my husband many times in our years together. It may not have been via the same mechanism, but pain is pain. And if we are to build a better and stronger marriage, then I also have to re-make myself better and stronger too.

Thank you. I am so glad that you posted on this thread - your words are very wise and thought-provoking.

I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more. ― C.S. Lewis

FINE PRINT: My post is simply my own opinion (unless indicated otherwise). Which I believe I am entitled to express, as best as I can.
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post #30 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 08:09 PM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

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Originally Posted by maritalloneliness View Post
Many times the BS view this choice to cheat made by their partner means that they are lacking in some sense when in reality the one who is lacking is that spouse who is choosing to have the affair. My husband has yet been able to concretely give me an explanation as to why he cheated or what he was searching for in a relationship with another.
This is my stumbling block - So I don't know if reconciliation will work for me as I cannot get a concrete explanation from my spouse.
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