Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 231Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #46 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 02:56 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Mizzbak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 186
Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

Quote:
Originally Posted by veganmermaid View Post
I am more of a lurker on TAM but I am a betrayed wife who has been in R for...4 years now, if I'm remembering correctly. I don't actually remember the dates of my d-days anymore.

It can be done!

I think a really, really big part of what made our R successful was my focus on self-improvement/self-empowerment. I went back to college, established myself in a well-paying career, competed in a few figure shows and powerlifting meets, got involved in local politics, etc. Now I know that if he cheats again, I'll be just fine. It's a very empowering, safe feeling.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Extra big, super size LIKE!


“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.” ― C.S. Lewis

FINE PRINT: My post is simply my own opinion (unless indicated otherwise). Which I believe I am entitled to express, as best as I can.
Mizzbak is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #47 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 10:50 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 4,002
Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mizzbak View Post
I do disagree with sokillme about cheating being unique to people of "poor character". To me that's too easy an explanation. I believe that, under the wrong circumstances, we're all capable of cheating. I also believe that people can grow and change. I have done things in my life that have hurt people. Many of them, I would not do again - because I have understood the consequences of my actions, because living with the hurt I caused is truly awful. Living with the damage to myself caused by those same actions has also been awful. And I do believe that about my husband as well. He is a second offender because he didn't have to live with the consequences the first time - because I politely hid my pain and anger under the carpet. And because he got to do the same with his guilt and shame.
First of all this assumes that there are actually people who don't understand the consequences of cheating. Show me the person who cheats and doesn't hide it. Why are they are hiding it unless they understand there are consequences. Besides that even if you didn't care it's still wrong. Did he cheat with a committed person the second time? If so what of his responsibility to his affair partner's partner? I get that he made no vows but just being a decent human being.

Nope it's a character issue, it's not a ignorance issue and using ignorance as an excuse leaves you very vulnerable. Unless the cheater understands it is a character issue and works on it there is a potential to cheat again. The only reason for being faithful is because it is the right thing to do. It's not for love, it's not because it hurts a person, though those are good reasons but they all have the potential to be transient. The ultimate reason needs to be because it's wrong to make a vow and then break it.

For instance, now he knows how much he hurt you and he doesn't want to do that again. Well what happens if you get into a ongoing fight and he stops caring so much. It's a risk.

There are cheaters and non-cheaters. The idea that everyone is a potential cheater is insulting. We're not, circumstance has nothing to do with it.
sokillme is offline  
post #48 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 02:37 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Mizzbak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 186
Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

With respect @sokillme, you learned what infidelity does from a very young age. (At my guess, it wasn't an intellectual understanding that cheating is wrong, but a far more visceral education about the pain it causes. ) Unlike you, I was lucky enough to grow up in a home where I never even saw infidelity, let alone had to live with its consequences.

When I was single and much younger, long before I understood about love and hurt, I became friends with a married man. (I knew nothing of emotional affairs, so I assumed that our relationship was innocent because it was not physical - if I thought about it all.) In a not too short time, things came crashing down around me. It is not a lesson that I have ever had to learn again.

One of my favourite posts on this topic, from a different thread - Do cheaters always cheat again? ( I hope that I don't break something by quoting cross-thread)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emerging Buddhist View Post
A cheater cheats first on themselves and then like a ripple, affects all in the area around them... nothing left untouched.
Those that do not learn from the chaos it does to self and others, are doomed to repeat it.
I agree that infidelity is a character issue, but our characters are not cast in stone; and guilt, shame and sorrow are powerful motivators and modifiers.

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.” ― C.S. Lewis

FINE PRINT: My post is simply my own opinion (unless indicated otherwise). Which I believe I am entitled to express, as best as I can.
Mizzbak is offline  
 
post #49 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 02:52 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 4,002
Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mizzbak View Post
With respect @sokillme, you learned what infidelity does from a very young age. (At my guess, it wasn't an intellectual understanding that cheating is wrong, but a far more visceral education about the pain it causes. ) Unlike you, I was lucky enough to grow up in a home where I never even saw infidelity, let alone had to live with its consequences.

When I was single and much younger, long before I understood about love and hurt, I became friends with a married man. (I knew nothing of emotional affairs, so I assumed that our relationship was innocent because it was not physical - if I thought about it all.) In a not too short time, things came crashing down around me. It is not a lesson that I have ever had to learn again.

One of my favourite posts on this topic, from a different thread - Do cheaters always cheat again? ( I hope that I don't break something by quoting cross-thread)


I agree that infidelity is a character issue, but our characters are not cast in stone; and guilt, shame and sorrow are powerful motivators and modifiers.
I hope you are right and I'm wrong.
sokillme is offline  
post #50 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 04:30 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Mizzbak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 186
Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

Me too, sokillme. Me too.

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.” ― C.S. Lewis

FINE PRINT: My post is simply my own opinion (unless indicated otherwise). Which I believe I am entitled to express, as best as I can.
Mizzbak is offline  
post #51 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 03:44 AM
Member
 
Mr Blunt's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 2,513
Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

I am reprinting some posts below that I can relate to:


Quote:
Originally Posted by veganmermaid

I think a really, really big part of what made our R successful was my focus on self-improvement/self-empowerment. I went back to college, established myself in a well-paying career, competed in a few figure shows and powerlifting meets, got involved in local politics, etc. Now I know that if he cheats again, I'll be just fine. It's a very empowering, safe feeling.
The above is very similar to what I did. I went back to college, advanced in my career to a very well paying salary, got involved in some local politics, got a lot closer to my family (Parents, sister, children), and ran back to my spiritual roots looking for strength.


Quote:
By Drifting On
This is the point you know that you can move forward, when you know you will be ok without the marriage and your spouse. Once you know this a weight is removed from your shoulders, the ropes holding you down frayed and torn off. Your healing receives such a positive boost to move forward.

I gave it 100% for the last 6 months and got to the point that I knew that I would be OK without my spouse. I was relieved when she left and was looking forward to the change in my life.



Quote:
By Drifting On
My approach to reconciliation came from a place of strength, ……Forgiving is such a critical factor in moving forward in my opinion. You also have to learn to not live in the past, don't look in the rear view mirror or you lose sight of moving forward. Don't forget the past, but heal yourself and then move forward.
In the first few months I was in the mode of “Pick me, pick me”. When I got stronger I divorced her. When she came crawling back I allowed her back in the home and had to work on forgiveness. I had to have my spiritual life fed and I had to take actions to follow my faith so that I could forgive. The first part of forgiveness for me was to prove my forgiveness by getting to the point that I did not have hateful or vengeful emotions towards her and get to the point that I did not what her hurt anymore. After that I was still very Leary of trusting but after her proving for over 4 years that she was no longer in contact with the OM I remarried her. We have over 20 years of R and my spirituality played a huge role in our long term success.

I do not want to give the impression that we lived happily ever after. For me there is permanent damage in a few areas; and they are that I no longer admire her as much as I used to and I no longer believe that she will always have my best interest at heart. I also know that I had an unrealistic belief about her love for me. I thought that she would never betray me and would always have my best interest at heart. Because I have adjusted to that reality I am more secure and know that I cannot be that hurt again.

However, we do have a good relationship most of the time; not great but good. The reconciliation has resulted in some very positive results. One is that we have a GREAT relationship with our children and grandchildren. Another is that we are financially secured for our retirement.

Prior to my wife’s infidelity I could have been a better husband but nothing I did wrong caused the betrayal. I have become a better husband and person.


I am fortunate and grateful as I have good health, great relationship with my family, retirement secured, and a good marriage most of the time, and I have grown spiritually.

Mizzbak
It is possible that your husband’s positive actions for years will result in you trusting him enough to have enough security that you will be affected very little or not at all.. You are not sure that your husband loves you the way you want. Your husband may love you with the capacity of love that he has but not the “romantic dream of love” that you desire. I can understand why you would question his love because he has violated love twice in the most horrific way.


My mom told me once “son sometimes you have to settle for less than what you want in this life” I have learned to settle for a love that is less than 100% loyalty and a love that will not always have my best interest at heart. Having mostly adjusted to that reality has given me a lot of acceptance and much less disappointment. I have a good life and am contented almost all of the time.
Mr Blunt is offline  
post #52 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 04:59 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Mizzbak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 186
Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

@Youngwife1000 - how are you doing? Hope you're OK.

(Weekends were weird for me - during the week we had a far more developed routine, so it was easy to just coast along on that. But the weekends are much more ad-libbed - either putting on a brave face (for kids/family/friends) or trying hard to keep something functional going with my husband. We'd be having these incredibly stressful conversations and then have to take the dog to the vet for his shots.)

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.” ― C.S. Lewis

FINE PRINT: My post is simply my own opinion (unless indicated otherwise). Which I believe I am entitled to express, as best as I can.
Mizzbak is offline  
post #53 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 06:41 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Mizzbak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 186
Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

Quote:
Originally Posted by drifting on View Post
Mizzbak
If I may ask, what is it that you feel is or could be lacking in your reconciliation? If nothing is really lacking, what has bothered you the most of your husbands affairs? The difficulties that were hard for you to accept. I can tell you the fact my wife gave herself away for a few compliments astounds me. Sex for me is far deeper then that, it's the total giving of each other to the other. Not to be gross or to much detail, but a female allows someone inside them, I leave a part of me with the female, that's not just something you give away. I struggled with this for a long time, and part of the problem is I can't place myself in my wife's shoes regarding the fantasy of an affair.
Drifting

I can identify with how you see sex. For me it is a very intimate sharing - mostly because it is about making myself physically very vulnerable to the other person. My husband and I have been married a long time. Of course, I haven't felt deep, mystical closeness every time with him. But, what bothered me most about my husband's affair was how he carried on having sex with me whilst he was becoming emotionally and physically entangled with her. (He didn't have sex with her, but she certainly had her tongue in his mouth a lot more than I did for the entire period of their affair.) WHen I asked him how he could have done that, he first told me that sex with me had become less intimate for him at that time. That he hadn't felt a true connection with me for a while. I know that he was being honest as I had asked him to be, but it hurt. So very much. He's tried to explain it better since then. But still, it makes me feel like he was using me to meet his physical needs ... and her to meet his emotional ones. I haven't really kissed him much since D-Day, and I cannot imagine what you went through when you made love to your wife again. When we do make love now, I do try to make sure that we are connecting emotionally as well as physically. It may feel a little forced, but that is preferable to the other.

Things lacking from our reconciliation? I am not sure that anything is really lacking from the process itself, but I miss normal things that should be there, but aren't - like normal anger (his). I read (somewhere in the hundreds of things I've read in the last 8 months) that one of the issues with effective reconciliation is knowing how and when to restore the balance of power to normalcy. Obviously, during reconciliation, the "power" in the relationship is tilted in the BS's favour. I think here on TAM it is spoken of as the wayward spouse doing the heavy lifting. The thing is, it can't stay like that forever because that would become unhealthy. I know that I'm not at that point yet, but the problem is that, at the moment ... he's treating me a little like he did when I was pregnant. As though I am physically fragile and need to be cosseted and pandered to. It's very hard to get him to express normal anger or irritation at normal, minor issues (even when, frankly, I deserve it). The reality is that normal life and all its petty irritations is still going on. So I want/need him to be normal about that. I can almost see him making the decision that I am She Who Must Be Obeyed ... at all costs. It makes me feel like he sees me as weak; and also that he is being dishonest about his true feelings. Is this petulant and pathetic? I know he's trying hard. And I know we can't go back. But I do just want ... normal, sometimes.

Your story has given me a lot of hope. Thank you again.

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.” ― C.S. Lewis

FINE PRINT: My post is simply my own opinion (unless indicated otherwise). Which I believe I am entitled to express, as best as I can.
Mizzbak is offline  
post #54 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 07:00 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Mizzbak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 186
Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

Quote:
Originally Posted by maritalloneliness View Post
Let me start by saying that only the person in the marriage alone with the other spouse can ultimately decide if the marriage is worth saving. With that said, for me, forgiving my husband for his affair is the hardest and most painful thing I ever had to do so far in my life. Forgiveness is a choice that I have to remind myself often that I chose. Many things went into choosing to forgive him. First, I had to admit that no one is perfect. Secondly, I had to realize that his affair isn't a reflection of me in terms of my self worth, my beauty, my self esteem or my ability to meet his needs. His affair is his choice only and as a result his responsibility. Unfortunately, his choice to cheat damaged our relationship irrevocably. Many times the BS view this choice to cheat made by their partner means that they are lacking in some sense when in reality the one who is lacking is that spouse who is choosing to have the affair. My husband has yet been able to concretely give me an explanation as to why he cheated or what he was searching for in a relationship with another.

After 4 years, I still struggle with triggers and fully trusting him. I had to find a new normal in our relationship. The broken trust is the hardest aspect to contend with as it will never be as before the affair. In some ways, I have found an inner strength that forces me to realize that after the romantic love fades the choice to choose love is a daily affirmation. Just as he chose to damage us, I also can choose to leave. I had to let him know that I chose to forgive him but under any circumstances will I forgive him another. I can love him and not be married to him if his actions continually cause me pain. He also had to realize that it's his responsibility to be transparent without resentment and that healing from this has no time limit. I don't use the affair against him but he has to remain sensitive to the fact that my triggers aren't going to go away according to his time frame. Living with someone who has hurt me so deeply is the hardest choice I had ever made.
maritalloneliness, what did/do you do when the anger comes bubbling back? I keep telling myself that I have forgiven him and that this was a conscious choice. But I still sometimes have ... they're not exactly triggers ... just me re-realising the hurt. I feel like I should be able to walk away from the negative emotions; because they have no place if I have forgiven him. They are now less than they were. But they still sometimes colour things for days at a time. I suppose what I'm asking is, what does forgiveness feel like to you?

And if I may ask a question about your husband - what has he done or how has he changed that you are prepared to consider trusting him again?

Thank you for sharing yourself here.

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.” ― C.S. Lewis

FINE PRINT: My post is simply my own opinion (unless indicated otherwise). Which I believe I am entitled to express, as best as I can.
Mizzbak is offline  
post #55 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 09:16 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 305
Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mizzbak View Post
maritalloneliness, what did/do you do when the anger comes bubbling back? I keep telling myself that I have forgiven him and that this was a conscious choice. But I still sometimes have ... they're not exactly triggers ... just me re-realising the hurt. I feel like I should be able to walk away from the negative emotions; because they have no place if I have forgiven him. They are now less than they were. But they still sometimes colour things for days at a time. I suppose what I'm asking is, what does forgiveness feel like to you?

And if I may ask a question about your husband - what has he done or how has he changed that you are prepared to consider trusting him again?

Thank you for sharing yourself here.
I recently had a conversation with a friend about how people in committed relationship see love differently. After being married for 20 years, I am at a place of realization that my husband will never consistently love me the way I need him to and some people might view that as sad and to some degree it probably is. I've also realize that I probably come short in the way I love him in equal measures. Love in its greatest form is different for each one of us in committed relationships and it constantly is changing. I'm not trying to sound abstract but I know for me choosing to love him as the person who has dealt me the worst imaginable pain is very difficult and at times I hate him for this. It's hard but you have to acknowledge this and grieve for the loss of what you thought your relationship meant.
When the memories come and I can feel the stabbing pain of his betrayal, I tell him what I'm feeling and although he tells me how awful he feels when I'm feeling like this he accepts this as my feelings and the best thing he can do for me is to just be physically present and let me feel this. He once asked me how I can stand to be with him when he has hurt me so much and I guess that is when love is most confusing for both of us.
I hope I was of some help. Your husband's greatest strength will have to be his acceptance that he has deeply hurt you and he has to take his own pain out of the equation to be present for you whether it means staying firm in your presence while you berate him so be it but find what you need to do for yourself to love him through this if it's your choice.
I think the hardest thing to do would be to walk away from someone you love but if his behavior constantly disregard your own needs, walking away would be necessary.

Sent from my SM-N910T using Tapatalk


[B]FEAR=False Expectation About Reality -I will not live out of fear and any challenges I may face in my life is just an opportunity to learn about the person I'm choosing to become.
maritalloneliness is offline  
post #56 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 10:18 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Warm in the summer, cold in the winter
Posts: 2,215
Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mizzbak View Post
Drifting

I can identify with how you see sex. For me it is a very intimate sharing - mostly because it is about making myself physically very vulnerable to the other person. My husband and I have been married a long time. Of course, I haven't felt deep, mystical closeness every time with him. But, what bothered me most about my husband's affair was how he carried on having sex with me whilst he was becoming emotionally and physically entangled with her. (He didn't have sex with her, but she certainly had her tongue in his mouth a lot more than I did for the entire period of their affair.) WHen I asked him how he could have done that, he first told me that sex with me had become less intimate for him at that time. That he hadn't felt a true connection with me for a while. I know that he was being honest as I had asked him to be, but it hurt. So very much. He's tried to explain it better since then. But still, it makes me feel like he was using me to meet his physical needs ... and her to meet his emotional ones. I haven't really kissed him much since D-Day, and I cannot imagine what you went through when you made love to your wife again. When we do make love now, I do try to make sure that we are connecting emotionally as well as physically. It may feel a little forced, but that is preferable to the other.

Things lacking from our reconciliation? I am not sure that anything is really lacking from the process itself, but I miss normal things that should be there, but aren't - like normal anger (his). I read (somewhere in the hundreds of things I've read in the last 8 months) that one of the issues with effective reconciliation is knowing how and when to restore the balance of power to normalcy. Obviously, during reconciliation, the "power" in the relationship is tilted in the BS's favour. I think here on TAM it is spoken of as the wayward spouse doing the heavy lifting. The thing is, it can't stay like that forever because that would become unhealthy. I know that I'm not at that point yet, but the problem is that, at the moment ... he's treating me a little like he did when I was pregnant. As though I am physically fragile and need to be cosseted and pandered to. It's very hard to get him to express normal anger or irritation at normal, minor issues (even when, frankly, I deserve it). The reality is that normal life and all its petty irritations is still going on. So I want/need him to be normal about that. I can almost see him making the decision that I am She Who Must Be Obeyed ... at all costs. It makes me feel like he sees me as weak; and also that he is being dishonest about his true feelings. Is this petulant and pathetic? I know he's trying hard. And I know we can't go back. But I do just want ... normal, sometimes.

Your story has given me a lot of hope. Thank you again.


Mizzbak

Hearing you think of sex as I do is actually refreshing to me, thank you for sharing that. The hysterical bonding, or me thinking I was reclaiming my wife, was an important time. I hate in myself for thinking I was reclaiming my wife, but for a time that's what I honestly felt. In a way I see reclaiming as being very shallow. But to be honest, that was a part of how and what I felt. Truly, I missed being able to look into her eyes and saying I love you without uttering a word. That took some time to come back for both of us. For my wife it was because she had been feeling my pain as I did.

I struggled being intimate with my wife, sex was very clumsy is the best to describe it. Almost like you have forgotten how to even have sex. As time goes by it begins to get better, in fact I now look into my wife's eyes as we are being intimate. As you can imagine this is so very important in our recovery.

As for the anger her moments of normalcy, that has been forever changed. Instead, keep anger from creeping in and instead communicate rationally for a solution. If your husband doesn't get angry I see that as good, but not if he is giving in to you because of his affair. That will simply be a cancer that in time will come out as resentment towards you. So that needs to stop as soon as possible. Your husband instead needs to communicate as to why he wants something a certain way, even if it is not how you wish to solve the problem. This is how you must decide together and make sacrifices together, calmly and rationally. It can't be like your marriage used to be, that way led to the both of you becoming distant. But your new marriage has to be different then the old, stay away from those old marriage traps.

I wish you the best of luck in your reconciliation. I hope you both have the strength to make it through and become a happy couple together. You mentioned that you have been married a long time, my wife and I will be together for a total of thirty years together this year. We dated seven years and will be married twenty-three years at the end of this month.

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.
drifting on is offline  
post #57 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 03:40 AM
Moderator
 
MattMatt's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: England
Posts: 19,215
Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

Quote:
Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
First of all this assumes that there are actually people who don't understand the consequences of cheating. Show me the person who cheats and doesn't hide it. Why are they are hiding it unless they understand there are consequences. Besides that even if you didn't care it's still wrong. Did he cheat with a committed person the second time? If so what of his responsibility to his affair partner's partner? I get that he made no vows but just being a decent human being.

Nope it's a character issue, it's not a ignorance issue and using ignorance as an excuse leaves you very vulnerable. Unless the cheater understands it is a character issue and works on it there is a potential to cheat again. The only reason for being faithful is because it is the right thing to do. It's not for love, it's not because it hurts a person, though those are good reasons but they all have the potential to be transient. The ultimate reason needs to be because it's wrong to make a vow and then break it.

For instance, now he knows how much he hurt you and he doesn't want to do that again. Well what happens if you get into a ongoing fight and he stops caring so much. It's a risk.

There are cheaters and non-cheaters. The idea that everyone is a potential cheater is insulting. We're not, circumstance has nothing to do with it.
My wife cheated and did not hide it.

http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
MattMatt is offline  
post #58 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 06:09 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 35
Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mizzbak View Post
@Youngwife1000 - how are you doing? Hope you're OK.

(Weekends were weird for me - during the week we had a far more developed routine, so it was easy to just coast along on that. But the weekends are much more ad-libbed - either putting on a brave face (for kids/family/friends) or trying hard to keep something functional going with my husband. We'd be having these incredibly stressful conversations and then have to take the dog to the vet for his shots.)
@Mizzbak, thank you for asking. It's been a very up and down one. It's half term here in England so the kids are around, like you said in moments I just have quest burning not knowing if they are going to hurt more or help. I ask anyway. We've had a couple of days out with the kids and I see this man being a great father and gentle and it in one sense is lovely to seee how nothing has changed for them but then I catch myself watching him without him knowing and then the intense pain washes over me and my heart just breaks again and again, that this man my entire world choose to go and seek sexual acts out 7 times with men. It's just so shattering. Then I think well it could of been an affair with 1 women of several months were they had full intercourse several times plus kissed and cuddled and shared feelings etc, that feels awful. So in one sense I'm back to the, well at least it was just physical 15 minutes of whatever. But he still choose to go back. I don't know it just replays over and over in my head. My sleep is my rest from it, I open my eyes each morning then a few seconds in reality hits like a brick and I've often thought I just don't want to wake up to do this another day. I'm so so sad on the inside, I'm sad for everything I thought I had, I've never been so in love and felt so safe in my entire life, it's all just gone and I feel none of this anymore. He's constantly telling me he loves me and how sorry he is, but his words just bounce off me and hold no value. I find it hard to respond with I love you too, because a month a go I loved him entirely like my very person was alive because of him. Now I know I love him but I know I'm not in love with him.
I'm praying so hard that this will not be forever. I'm just still so scared and wonder often if I'm actually doing the right thing. I know people have said I'll be in a better place to make that decision at around 6 months in. So I'm going to do the Mc and I've taken back my working out up a level and hopefully become more mentally less dependent on him to emotionally sustain me. This almost feels like I'm shutting down from him. I just want to be in a place where he can't hurt me ever again and deserve a place in my life. Yet this process is just so incredibly sad, that I'm trying to find an armour of sorts to protect myself from the very person I'm supposed to be able to be most vulnerable around. Writing this through blurry eyes and a heavy heart. I'm clinging on to one normal moment to the next, desperately hoping that each day has more normal moments, whatever normal is now I don't know. What I do know is choosing to live with a man that crushed every inch of me is the hardest thing I've had to do. Any encouragement welcome.
Youngwife1000 is offline  
post #59 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 09:33 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Warm in the summer, cold in the winter
Posts: 2,215
Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

Youngwife1000

I remember those first couple of months after d-day all too well. Being exactly where you are, just hoping to get through one hour at a time. What you will find to be amazing is that your husband doesn't have it come to mind as often as you. My wife was the same way, it just doesn't register to them as it does when you are the betrayed spouse. My MC had me write down each time the affair came to mind from when I woke until I went to bed again. Each little check mark meant the affair invaded my mind.

What we discovered by doing this is that the affair was on my mind every ten minutes. When my wife saw the sheet of paper she was devastated, my pain completely felt by her. She cried most of that night, and the following day, just repeating I'm so sorry over and over. I'm not saying this is how every person who cheats behaves, but very few truly understand what they have done to their spouse.

For me to get through these days I had to focus on me, my healing. Work on the marriage became a secondary thought, I had to heal me first. As you begin to heal yourself you can begin to make decisions that will impact your life heavily. This is why I say to wait six months before making a decision. You want your decisions to be informed and not a knee jerk reaction. This also allows you to see if your spouse is even capable of reconciliation should you be leaning that direction.

Remember that reconciliation is a process, a long and difficult process. I believe it is possible to be happily married after infidelity, providing the wayward spouse is able to. While reconciling you will also be mourning for your old marriage. Infidelity has killed your marriage and you will then be building a new marriage.

I wish you the best of luck in moving forward, and that you heal yourself to a better you.

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.
drifting on is offline  
post #60 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 09:41 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 4,002
Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

Quote:
Originally Posted by MattMatt View Post
My wife cheated and did not hide it.
And your telling me she didn't know it would hurt you or was it just out of anger?
sokillme is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Thread about threads Herschel The Social Spot 0 12-09-2016 02:28 PM
CA Spousal support +\- child support? imperfectworld Considering Divorce or Separation 31 09-07-2016 09:22 PM
Support cooltaurus Considering Divorce or Separation 25 05-11-2016 12:10 PM
Living together but now she wants more child support plomito Going Through Divorce or Separation 10 04-25-2016 08:58 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome