This is so very important and worth repeating a hundred times.
Drifting On has managed to get better with his horiffic situation so I would take his advice and ACT on it!
The tendency of a BS is to work on the marriage as the very top priority. Remember, when you work on the marriage you can only control and change one person; that person is you! Nothing will get better without the BS getting stronger and to start healing.
Thank you for the kind words Mr. Blunt, I appreciate them. Something I haven't really shared regarding my reconciliation is when you know you will be ok no matter what you decide, a calming peace seems to take effect. When I learned I would be ok, I was able to make better decisions. My racing thoughts began to dissipate at a rapid pace, but then something took over my heart. I am at a loss as to how to explain this, but at one point my therapist had said it didn't appear that my heart was in it anymore. What I came to find out is that it became a choice for me again, and that brought me the calming peace I searched so hard for. I worked so hard on myself, I self reflected until I was emotionally exhausted, I thought I had given all of myself into my healing that I could give no more. Yet that calming peace escaped me.
Finding out I would be ok, well that meant I was healthy, with additional work to do. I finally realized that calming peace was because I was choosing to love my wife again. I will always have a place in my heart for my wife, I will always have a love for her, but this is different. I now choose to love my wife each day, which has caused me to be more in love with her than I previously was. Something to be careful of is that while you feel that calm that you don't become distant and appear that your heart isn't in it anymore. I have come to realize I coasted some while enjoying that calm I had searched for. I don't know if this has happened to others, I can only speak for myself, but while enjoying the calm I'm now being more vulnerable.
I hope that I have conveyed this in a way others can understand. I as a difficult time trying to put into words how I have felt.