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post #61 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 10:13 AM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

@drifting on, thank you for your response, it's so encouraging to hear from those ahead of the journey and with positive advice, honestly it can really settle a busy mind. I appreciate it.x

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post #62 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 10:51 AM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

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@drifting on, thank you for your response, it's so encouraging to hear from those ahead of the journey and with positive advice, honestly it can really settle a busy mind. I appreciate it.x


As I've said before, I know the inner turmoil, the devastation, the not knowing where to turn or even what to do. Your thoughts are racing and emotions on a roller coaster. I look back and have to wonder how I made it through, but you do. Just remember to breathe, focus on things you need to do today. Don't really look to much further ahead, at moment you just need to do today. Simple every day tasks will sometimes seem insurmountable so focus on the now and not the later. Tell your husband of you trigger, allow him to feel your pain. Allow him to see the turmoil his actions and choices have done. Best of luck.

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


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post #63 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 02:22 PM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

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By Drifting On
For me to get through these days I had to focus on me, my healing. Work on the marriage became a secondary thought, I had to heal me first. As you begin to heal yourself you can begin to make decisions that will impact your life heavily
This is so very important and worth repeating a hundred times.
Drifting On has managed to get better with his horiffic situation so I would take his advice and ACT on it!

The tendency of a BS is to work on the marriage as the very top priority. Remember, when you work on the marriage you can only control and change one person; that person is you! Nothing will get better without the BS getting stronger and to start healing.
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post #64 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 02:39 PM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

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As I've said before, I know the inner turmoil, the devastation, the not knowing where to turn or even what to do. Your thoughts are racing and emotions on a roller coaster. I look back and have to wonder how I made it through, but you do. Just remember to breathe, focus on things you need to do today. Don't really look to much further ahead, at moment you just need to do today. Simple every day tasks will sometimes seem insurmountable so focus on the now and not the later. Tell your husband of you trigger, allow him to feel your pain. Allow him to see the turmoil his actions and choices have done. Best of luck.
Today I have spoken to a counsellor who's going to help us through stuff, my husbands actions he believes is due to a sex addiction and will require individual help for him, he said that angelina jolie could share be his wife and he'd still of done it. He also said it actually not even the end result as in the sexual act that tends to feed a sex addict more the excitement of the chase and organisation is when the chemical is realised in the brain those hormones are what he's buzzing off. Plus so much more info, I feel a little more enlightened, not in a pain free way but in knowledge if that makes sense. I'm going to have one on one with him also,he said not in a therapy way as I've done nothing wrong but in a way that aids trauma victims. He said in around 3 months he will then look at Mc but now is not the time. So now I feel there is a plan in sight it's a little less hazie just grabbing on to anything. Expensive but an investment I guess. Husband is willing an seems excepting of said sex addiction issue and wants to start asap. So I guess i should take some positive from that. X
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post #65 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 05:32 PM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

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And your telling me she didn't know it would hurt you or was it just out of anger?
She really thought that because she told me in advance that she was going to have an affair that her honest approach would mean that I wouldn't be hurt!


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post #66 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 05:35 PM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

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She really thought that because she told me in advance that she was going to have an affair that her honest approach would mean that I wouldn't be hurt!

Some sort of personality disorder or something? Asperger's?
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post #67 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 06:07 PM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

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Today I have spoken to a counsellor who's going to help us through stuff, my husbands actions he believes is due to a sex addiction and will require individual help for him, he said that angelina jolie could share be his wife and he'd still of done it. He also said it actually not even the end result as in the sexual act that tends to feed a sex addict more the excitement of the chase and organisation is when the chemical is realised in the brain those hormones are what he's buzzing off. Plus so much more info, I feel a little more enlightened, not in a pain free way but in knowledge if that makes sense. I'm going to have one on one with him also,he said not in a therapy way as I've done nothing wrong but in a way that aids trauma victims. He said in around 3 months he will then look at Mc but now is not the time. So now I feel there is a plan in sight it's a little less hazie just grabbing on to anything. Expensive but an investment I guess. Husband is willing an seems excepting of said sex addiction issue and wants to start asap. So I guess i should take some positive from that. X
You might want to look into this book for betrayed partners of sex addicts: https://www.amazon.com/Facing-Heartb...of+sex+addicts
This actually looks like a really good book.

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post #68 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 07:11 PM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

I find myself so saddened while reading of all these incredible painful stories of betrayal. Suffering from depression certainly makes me extra empathetic to the pain of others and it just has me feeling out of sorts. Know that my thoughts and prayers are with all of us who have bonded through our pain. Certainly, forgiveness is a challenging road.

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post #69 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 12:39 AM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
Some sort of personality disorder or something? Asperger's?
Diagnosed with High Functioning Asperger"s.

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post #70 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 09:42 AM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

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Originally Posted by Youngwife1000 View Post
Today I have spoken to a counsellor who's going to help us through stuff, my husbands actions he believes is due to a sex addiction and will require individual help for him, he said that angelina jolie could share be his wife and he'd still of done it. He also said it actually not even the end result as in the sexual act that tends to feed a sex addict more the excitement of the chase and organisation is when the chemical is realised in the brain those hormones are what he's buzzing off. Plus so much more info, I feel a little more enlightened, not in a pain free way but in knowledge if that makes sense. I'm going to have one on one with him also,he said not in a therapy way as I've done nothing wrong but in a way that aids trauma victims. He said in around 3 months he will then look at Mc but now is not the time. So now I feel there is a plan in sight it's a little less hazie just grabbing on to anything. Expensive but an investment I guess. Husband is willing an seems excepting of said sex addiction issue and wants to start asap. So I guess i should take some positive from that. X


Youngwife1000

I'm not quite clear if the counsellor diagnosed him as a sex addict or if that is what your husband believes he has. Whatever the case your husband will need to have IC to come to the root of his issues in why he seeks sex with others. Unfortunately, his position is that he needs IC and also needs to make you feel safe. So in a way he will do both working in himself and the marriage at the same time. Your husband needs to understand that how he applies himself to the marriage and himself is how you will decide on divorce or reconciliation. I'm understanding of where your husband is at with his thoughts, but because of his actions, he will need to do both at the same time.


Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.
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post #71 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 09:53 AM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

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Diagnosed with High Functioning Asperger"s.
Yep, only way it made sense. The lack of understanding of how that would affect you, it had to be. I would suspect 40% of WS suffer from kind of mental illness. At least the more cruel ones. This is one of the things that needs to be determined before R is attempted. Is the WS really emotionally capable of having a successful marriage. Do they have the emotional ability or are they emotionally disabled. It's a real thing and you can both be motivated but if the WS suffers from mental illness it may still not work.

Last edited by sokillme; 04-11-2017 at 11:28 AM.
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post #72 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 10:06 AM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

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This is so very important and worth repeating a hundred times.
Drifting On has managed to get better with his horiffic situation so I would take his advice and ACT on it!

The tendency of a BS is to work on the marriage as the very top priority. Remember, when you work on the marriage you can only control and change one person; that person is you! Nothing will get better without the BS getting stronger and to start healing.


Thank you for the kind words Mr. Blunt, I appreciate them. Something I haven't really shared regarding my reconciliation is when you know you will be ok no matter what you decide, a calming peace seems to take effect. When I learned I would be ok, I was able to make better decisions. My racing thoughts began to dissipate at a rapid pace, but then something took over my heart. I am at a loss as to how to explain this, but at one point my therapist had said it didn't appear that my heart was in it anymore. What I came to find out is that it became a choice for me again, and that brought me the calming peace I searched so hard for. I worked so hard on myself, I self reflected until I was emotionally exhausted, I thought I had given all of myself into my healing that I could give no more. Yet that calming peace escaped me.

Finding out I would be ok, well that meant I was healthy, with additional work to do. I finally realized that calming peace was because I was choosing to love my wife again. I will always have a place in my heart for my wife, I will always have a love for her, but this is different. I now choose to love my wife each day, which has caused me to be more in love with her than I previously was. Something to be careful of is that while you feel that calm that you don't become distant and appear that your heart isn't in it anymore. I have come to realize I coasted some while enjoying that calm I had searched for. I don't know if this has happened to others, I can only speak for myself, but while enjoying the calm I'm now being more vulnerable.

I hope that I have conveyed this in a way others can understand. I as a difficult time trying to put into words how I have felt.

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.
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post #73 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 10:17 AM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

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She really thought that because she told me in advance that she was going to have an affair that her honest approach would mean that I wouldn't be hurt!

Hey Matt, just curious if you were to tell her the same thing how do you think she would have taken it? do you think she would have been good with that and not felt hurt in any way because you would have been upfront with her?
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post #74 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 10:41 AM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

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Hey Matt, just curious if you were to tell her the same thing how do you think she would have taken it? do you think she would have been good with that and not felt hurt in any way because you would have been upfront with her?

She understood and forgave my own stupid revenge affair, so the answer to your question would probably be yes. And she has said several times she wouldn't mind me having an affair. I have declined her offer, by the way.

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post #75 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 10:48 AM
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Ups and downs... Still less than a year of R. Still working the damages out of my head. Other life issues are a pain.

Cool thing is... I forgot the 1yr anniversary when I threw her out of the apartment (actually. I refused to let her enter)... So that's a good thing.

Trust is better daily, usually.
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