Thank you for your response, the pain is intensifying but almost morphing into different things from hour to hour. Yes I've felt anger and still do, I'm angry at his timing, our baby was 8 weeks old, and I needed my husband. Although I obviously didn't know so it didn't effect me then, just the thought of it makes me angry and rage now. I'm angry that I could be so stupid to think that he was the man of my dreams, I've literally never loved like I loved him. Im angry that he met for sexual pleasure 7 times and was still having regular sex with me. The thought of him naked with those people and them stroking and touching him rips at me every hour of every day. The rage turns to pain, I don't vent it at him, it's not in me to do so, rage is an ugly trait to display and although I feel it I won't display, I find myself full of cocky remarks that I say in my head, like did you manage to get through today without some guy sucking your ****. However I never utter a word. Believe me the anger and rage well in me a lot but fall as tears. Sometimes I want to tap out, but just don't have the strength. Everyday I feel a little more distant as I work on my own strength, I go out running now, my time I will be seeing a therapist my own. I feel myself shutting down to build myself up. I've recovered from trauma before and I know I can do it again. I just don't know what this recovery looks like. It's a scary place I find myself in. I want to be whole again and I want to keep my marriage but it feels like I'm shutting down from him.Is this normal? I'm literally in no mans land. Yesterday morning I just needed to hold him, so I lay cuddling him as the tears fell silently down my cheeks. It makes no sense.
What you are feeling here is completely normal, in fact I felt the same way. What I have written about infidelity is the pain I have felt, sometimes I wonder if me posting is even helpful. Telling someone of the pain and difficulties that lay ahead have made me feel as if I am a deterrent to marriage and reconciliation. I post this way for a number of reasons, and I should probably tell you why I post this way. Writing for me is cathartic, I can allow the pain to dissipate some by acknowledging the pain and releasing it through writing. The pitfalls and difficulties of reconciliation I write about so others are maybe more informed of what lies ahead. I sincerely hope my posts don't have someone fear reconciliation, but instead are aware of what one will encounter on your journey through.
Sometimes I post from a very sarcastic position, this is usually due pain I feel from a thread. Instead of being supportive or helpful I post an angry/sarcastic version of pain. With this being said, and only a few reasons why I post, my main objective is to simply help people the way posters have helped me. Youngwife1000, this journey will certainly test you, emotionally draining, and make you think you can't move forward. However, if you give all of yourself to this, I have no doubts that you will become a far better person. IC in my opinion is a must, no exceptions, as you need to get back to a healthy state for yourself. By doing this, you will eventually begin to feel empowered, you will become a much stronger person then you ever thought imaginable.
Your post above in my opinion screams that you are in need of IC. Understand you are not crazy in any way, you actually fit the description of a person diagnosed with PTSD. That should not be a scary diagnosis but rather a diagnosis that comes with relief. You have been dealt a serious blow to your brain, and every process the brain has is now changed. It will go back to its old way of functioning again, but IC gives you tools to change yourself to better cope with the trauma. Your pain, anger, sadness, disbelief, confusion, happiness, rage, love, fear, humiliation, and a host of other emotions will be fleeting. Your racing thoughts and possible struggles to stay focused in a conversation will dissipate after time. During this time I survived day by day, then hour by hour, then minute by minute, but the telling part is that I survived. You will also survive, you will use tools from IC to help you place one foot in front of the other. It's exhausting, and I wanted to tap out on many occasions, but again, I survived.
With any luck you realize I am cheering for you to make it, but it is you that needs to do the work involved. I have credited my MC with saving my life, but reality is that she provided tools for me to save myself with. I did the hard work, MC gave me resources in which to do it successfully. For you it will be the same way, it's you that does the hard work and you that becomes stronger. You can do this youngwife1000 stay the course and start IC as soon as you can. I think you should also keep posting, this is a great way to gain knowledge about infidelity. You also get to write to others that full understand what you feel, and that is a blessing that is very supportive. Stay strong and God bless.
ETA: do not continue to suppress your anger/rage, your husband needs to see and feel what you are feeling.