Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #106 of 110 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 02:37 PM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

Quote:
By Sokillme
I suggest you re-read my post not as a rebuttal to yours but as a man dealing with what agreeing with your post means for him and his hatred of infidelity and the context of original sin and salvation.
SKM, I have reread your posts and think that the heart of your issue is as you have stated below

Quote:
By Sokillme
I can only see this story as a tragedy. If they go on to have 50 wonderful years together I would still think it is a tragedy, because he had to suffer such an indignity and she debased herself so. The imbalance of justice is too much for me


You are more interested in the justice part of Drifting On’s story than the grace. I get you on that point as my tendency is to do the same. However, I respect and think that grace is a higher level of dealing with infidelity and life. Grace is contrary to my observation of the way mankind thinks. We just celebrated Easter; WHY?. Because many have hope in the grace that the Christian faith presents. Who in their right mind is going to give up their innocent son to be tortured to death in crucifixion so that others can get rid of their guilt? NOBODY… IMO! That is a much higher level of true love!

I have already told you that I would not do what drifting on have done but I do admire him and he is an inspiration to those that believe in grace. Just because I will not do what D.O. has done does not mean that I do not strive to get to that point. If you are going to reconcile then I think that Grace is very important for many.

Now back to the purpose of this thread of Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation” and Drifting On. My guess is that D.O. is just like many other BS including me. We hate Infidelity, and suffering for a spouse that betrayed us but want to reconcile when there is true remorse. Why? …because some may think that R is the best way to handle to the pain, will be better for us in the long run, we still have some love for your spouse, it is best for our children, and we want to strive to follow our faith to name a few.

My summary at this point is still the same as I have stated below

Quote:
Sokillme, the title of this thread is “Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation” For some, Drifting-on and his actions in dealing with reconciliation is definitely support for reconciliation as is the faith of grace.
Sokillme, for whatever it is worth, contrary to what you posted, I do not want you to shut up, and I think that you are struggling with the justice-grace issue but you seem to be very honest and upfront about your thinking. I cannot deny that I choose justice over grace at times but I do believe that grace, if you are going to reconcile, then grace gets you a lot closer to a satisfactory reconciliation



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post #107 of 110 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 10:34 AM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

Religion has been entered into the equation of infidelity by some posters, and I respect the posters views as it pertains to religion. I have posted some regarding religion, said that I am a Christian man, and that I lost my faith when faced with infidelity. During my time of healing I have restored my faith, and in fact now have a stronger belief in God and His son Jesus. With that being said I will try to explain how, why, and when this all occurred to me.

We all have a different perspective of exactly what some proverbs definitions are in the bible. Such as tattoo is mentioned once in the bible, and since it is mentioned specifically, some Christians believe tattooing yourself is a disgrace to God. But if you read the entire section regarding tattoos it does say specifically that the tattoo should not be proclaiming for pagan. So is a tattoo ok or a sin? Again, it's different perspectives that we all perceive about the subject. This is just my example towards tattoos.

As for grace, I have extended grace to my wife. In my opinion the definition of grace is, an undeserved favor. I did extend grace to my wife, I did struggle with justice, but ultimately justice is carried out by Jesus. I have struggled with capital punishment in recent years also, because I firmly believed in it, but who is to say we execute someone because of a law? I have said many times that justice will escape me in regards to my wife's act of infidelity. It will forever escape me as it is Jesus who will render justice, it's not in my power to do so. If I live according to Gods will then I am left with two choices, divorce or grace. According to the bible I am allowed to divorce because of my wife's infidelity. Mary and Joseph were actually run out of town and Mary was suspected of cheating. Allegedly Mary and Joseph did divorce when they arrived at their new town but I don't remember enough to know that for sure.

For a long time I believed in the first testament, and currently believe in the second testament. In the first testament stoning was the punishment, in the second anyone who hadn't sinned may cast a stone. No stones were cast and Jesus told her to go and sin no more. I wasn't perfect, I cast stones in my marriage, so I needed to fix my half of the marriage.

Just after d-day I lost my faith, no longer believed in God or Jesus. I couldn't fathom how God or Jesus could allow this to happen in the world. After some time I realized that Jesus gives us free will, and with that free will we are to live according to God. Some of us do as we still continue to sin, but we try to the best of ability to live to his will. Some don't, they sin with the free will they have been given, and usually not atone for their actions. My wife is trying to atone for her actions, and as I've said before, I fear her time on the chair of atonement with Jesus.

My faith has come back in many ways, I have leaned on religion to help me get through. At times it's not easy, other times are good. When I became healthier my faith became stronger, the point I'm at now is I no longer seek justice. I'll leave that to God to sort out, but it doesn't mean I won't still sin and mess with the OM in the ways that I do. Is it wrong, maybe, but God will hand me that justice when I meet Him.

@Solillme and @MRBlunt have had a very calm and rational discussion with religion. I respect them both for the ways that each have posted in this thread. Each have their opinion of whether I should or should not have extended grace, I can see both sides of the discussion. Reconciliation for me was my best option, I have changed so much in many ways for the better. I have become a much healthier person and just recently have felt peace and happiness that I haven't felt for some time.

I hope this can help this thread for anyone who comes to it looking for answers while trying to put their life back together.

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.
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post #108 of 110 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 10:31 AM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

Hey guys, just checking in to clear my head and share my last week. To be honest it's ho unable to smile or be happy most of the time. It feels like a constant sadness has settled home in me. It's very lonel. I see other happy couples, holding hands or just being normal and it feels so far away for me. I'm not operating very well in positivity at the moment either, I'm finding it hard to believe I could ever feel anything else but the way I do right now. Is this normal? Does it go away?
I view my husband so differently now, I no longer feel any rush of love for him, I love him I'm sure but I'm not in love anymore. I find it hard to maintain eye contact, I just don't want to, I force myself sometimes but I just think thoughts like...... you are the biggest nastiest, most conniving individual that's given me the greatest trauma I can barely tolerate. So I avoid his eyes in fear of anger. The anger is with me most days now, I'm so angry that he did this and he repeatedly did so many times. That I was fighting so hard to make our alone time extra sexy and precious on top of being everything else I needed to be in the home and he still 7 times went behind my back to get satisfaction. I cuts me like a knife most days most hours. I hate the way his life is just dandy and he feels no hurt. I hate myself for being so stupid to think that he was a genuine guy the genuinely loved me and what we had was amazing. But most of all I hate they way he so happily lived with himself and happily played the good husband, in fact he's the biggest prick around. I'm sorry for venting but it's still so real to me. Will this angry and hate subside? He appears remorseful but it also appeared a distant husband so I find it hard. He's starting IC on his own, like me too.
We've had our first joint one, it's was so hard as talking about it just refreshing the images of him having orgasms with men. It hurts so intensely. I don't actually think he realises.
I often think about going out and having revenge sex, I know this would be easy to do, just because I want to have sex with someone I'm not hurting by. Also to show him how it feels. I haven't because despite my venting I do love him and I'm trying to hold on to my faith. But it's constantly lingering in my mind as an option just to feel human attractive and wanted. Is this normal.
I literally hate my life, it feel such a burden. I'm constantly thing he's looking for ways to cheat on me again, or get some blond to sick his **** quickly just so he can gleefully come home and lie to my face again. It's horrible. I feel no hope. The therapist said that our marriage is for sure recoverable and I can heal and he can deal with my husbands sex addiction, but right now it feels so far away. My days are filled with anger and hate that swing from one to the other and if neither of those are present I'm numb, lonely and in constant heartache. Please someone tell me I can do this. Please someone say I can fall in love with my husband again. I just hope no one comes and offers to fix my brokenness and hold my heart, it would be hard not to give in.
Please hear, I want my marriage but I needed to ask have you all Been through the same ?
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post #109 of 110 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 11:47 AM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

Quote:
Originally Posted by Youngwife1000 View Post
Hey guys, just checking in to clear my head and share my last week. To be honest it's ho unable to smile or be happy most of the time. It feels like a constant sadness has settled home in me. It's very lonel. I see other happy couples, holding hands or just being normal and it feels so far away for me. I'm not operating very well in positivity at the moment either, I'm finding it hard to believe I could ever feel anything else but the way I do right now. Is this normal? Does it go away?
I view my husband so differently now, I no longer feel any rush of love for him, I love him I'm sure but I'm not in love anymore. I find it hard to maintain eye contact, I just don't want to, I force myself sometimes but I just think thoughts like...... you are the biggest nastiest, most conniving individual that's given me the greatest trauma I can barely tolerate. So I avoid his eyes in fear of anger. The anger is with me most days now, I'm so angry that he did this and he repeatedly did so many times. That I was fighting so hard to make our alone time extra sexy and precious on top of being everything else I needed to be in the home and he still 7 times went behind my back to get satisfaction. I cuts me like a knife most days most hours. I hate the way his life is just dandy and he feels no hurt. I hate myself for being so stupid to think that he was a genuine guy the genuinely loved me and what we had was amazing. But most of all I hate they way he so happily lived with himself and happily played the good husband, in fact he's the biggest prick around. I'm sorry for venting but it's still so real to me. Will this angry and hate subside? He appears remorseful but it also appeared a distant husband so I find it hard. He's starting IC on his own, like me too.
We've had our first joint one, it's was so hard as talking about it just refreshing the images of him having orgasms with men. It hurts so intensely. I don't actually think he realises.
I often think about going out and having revenge sex, I know this would be easy to do, just because I want to have sex with someone I'm not hurting by. Also to show him how it feels. I haven't because despite my venting I do love him and I'm trying to hold on to my faith. But it's constantly lingering in my mind as an option just to feel human attractive and wanted. Is this normal.
I literally hate my life, it feel such a burden. I'm constantly thing he's looking for ways to cheat on me again, or get some blond to sick his **** quickly just so he can gleefully come home and lie to my face again. It's horrible. I feel no hope. The therapist said that our marriage is for sure recoverable and I can heal and he can deal with my husbands sex addiction, but right now it feels so far away. My days are filled with anger and hate that swing from one to the other and if neither of those are present I'm numb, lonely and in constant heartache. Please someone tell me I can do this. Please someone say I can fall in love with my husband again. I just hope no one comes and offers to fix my brokenness and hold my heart, it would be hard not to give in.
Please hear, I want my marriage but I needed to ask have you all Been through the same ?


What you are feeling is completely normal, and it takes time as your brain is slowly allowing you to feel the pain from infidelity. Initially you are in shock, your brain places you in a state of shock to protect. The brain further protects you by placing you from shock into disbelief. Currently your brain is protecting you with anger, and sorry to say but, after anger is pure rage. So my opinion is that you are perfectly normal, and your emotions will swing wildly from one extreme to another.

As for your pain and sadness, normal, as for your love for your husband, normal. At times I did not feel in love with my wife, this was in the beginning just after d-day. It's definitely a very difficult time to go through, but it will change. I'm not going to tell you it gets easier, this depends on your husband and your personal growth in individual therapy. I say your husband is included because if he is very remorseful and begins to feel your pain. Be careful though, even if the wayward is very remorseful sometimes the betrayed still can't get past the affair. This is why I say to heal yourself, don't work on the marriage just yet, let your husband do that, but you need to get to a healthier position first. I say to wait six months before making a decision that impacts your life on such a grand scale.

Everything you have described is normal, just take one day at a time or even an hour at a time. Talk to your IC, tell the therapist where you stuggle most and begin to work on that. You will make it even though you do not think you can. You are much stronger then you have ever known, and that strength will help you through. Just keep moving forward, occupy your time and surround yourself with friends. You can do this youngwife, stay strong and God bless.

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.
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post #110 of 110 (permalink) Old Today, 08:22 AM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

Youngwife1000

How are you doing?

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.
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