Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
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post #106 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 02:37 PM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

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By Sokillme
I suggest you re-read my post not as a rebuttal to yours but as a man dealing with what agreeing with your post means for him and his hatred of infidelity and the context of original sin and salvation.
SKM, I have reread your posts and think that the heart of your issue is as you have stated below

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By Sokillme
I can only see this story as a tragedy. If they go on to have 50 wonderful years together I would still think it is a tragedy, because he had to suffer such an indignity and she debased herself so. The imbalance of justice is too much for me


You are more interested in the justice part of Drifting On’s story than the grace. I get you on that point as my tendency is to do the same. However, I respect and think that grace is a higher level of dealing with infidelity and life. Grace is contrary to my observation of the way mankind thinks. We just celebrated Easter; WHY?. Because many have hope in the grace that the Christian faith presents. Who in their right mind is going to give up their innocent son to be tortured to death in crucifixion so that others can get rid of their guilt? NOBODY… IMO! That is a much higher level of true love!

I have already told you that I would not do what drifting on have done but I do admire him and he is an inspiration to those that believe in grace. Just because I will not do what D.O. has done does not mean that I do not strive to get to that point. If you are going to reconcile then I think that Grace is very important for many.

Now back to the purpose of this thread of Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation” and Drifting On. My guess is that D.O. is just like many other BS including me. We hate Infidelity, and suffering for a spouse that betrayed us but want to reconcile when there is true remorse. Why? …because some may think that R is the best way to handle to the pain, will be better for us in the long run, we still have some love for your spouse, it is best for our children, and we want to strive to follow our faith to name a few.

My summary at this point is still the same as I have stated below

Quote:
Sokillme, the title of this thread is “Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation” For some, Drifting-on and his actions in dealing with reconciliation is definitely support for reconciliation as is the faith of grace.
Sokillme, for whatever it is worth, contrary to what you posted, I do not want you to shut up, and I think that you are struggling with the justice-grace issue but you seem to be very honest and upfront about your thinking. I cannot deny that I choose justice over grace at times but I do believe that grace, if you are going to reconcile, then grace gets you a lot closer to a satisfactory reconciliation



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post #107 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-18-2017, 10:34 AM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

Religion has been entered into the equation of infidelity by some posters, and I respect the posters views as it pertains to religion. I have posted some regarding religion, said that I am a Christian man, and that I lost my faith when faced with infidelity. During my time of healing I have restored my faith, and in fact now have a stronger belief in God and His son Jesus. With that being said I will try to explain how, why, and when this all occurred to me.

We all have a different perspective of exactly what some proverbs definitions are in the bible. Such as tattoo is mentioned once in the bible, and since it is mentioned specifically, some Christians believe tattooing yourself is a disgrace to God. But if you read the entire section regarding tattoos it does say specifically that the tattoo should not be proclaiming for pagan. So is a tattoo ok or a sin? Again, it's different perspectives that we all perceive about the subject. This is just my example towards tattoos.

As for grace, I have extended grace to my wife. In my opinion the definition of grace is, an undeserved favor. I did extend grace to my wife, I did struggle with justice, but ultimately justice is carried out by Jesus. I have struggled with capital punishment in recent years also, because I firmly believed in it, but who is to say we execute someone because of a law? I have said many times that justice will escape me in regards to my wife's act of infidelity. It will forever escape me as it is Jesus who will render justice, it's not in my power to do so. If I live according to Gods will then I am left with two choices, divorce or grace. According to the bible I am allowed to divorce because of my wife's infidelity. Mary and Joseph were actually run out of town and Mary was suspected of cheating. Allegedly Mary and Joseph did divorce when they arrived at their new town but I don't remember enough to know that for sure.

For a long time I believed in the first testament, and currently believe in the second testament. In the first testament stoning was the punishment, in the second anyone who hadn't sinned may cast a stone. No stones were cast and Jesus told her to go and sin no more. I wasn't perfect, I cast stones in my marriage, so I needed to fix my half of the marriage.

Just after d-day I lost my faith, no longer believed in God or Jesus. I couldn't fathom how God or Jesus could allow this to happen in the world. After some time I realized that Jesus gives us free will, and with that free will we are to live according to God. Some of us do as we still continue to sin, but we try to the best of ability to live to his will. Some don't, they sin with the free will they have been given, and usually not atone for their actions. My wife is trying to atone for her actions, and as I've said before, I fear her time on the chair of atonement with Jesus.

My faith has come back in many ways, I have leaned on religion to help me get through. At times it's not easy, other times are good. When I became healthier my faith became stronger, the point I'm at now is I no longer seek justice. I'll leave that to God to sort out, but it doesn't mean I won't still sin and mess with the OM in the ways that I do. Is it wrong, maybe, but God will hand me that justice when I meet Him.

@Solillme and @MRBlunt have had a very calm and rational discussion with religion. I respect them both for the ways that each have posted in this thread. Each have their opinion of whether I should or should not have extended grace, I can see both sides of the discussion. Reconciliation for me was my best option, I have changed so much in many ways for the better. I have become a much healthier person and just recently have felt peace and happiness that I haven't felt for some time.

I hope this can help this thread for anyone who comes to it looking for answers while trying to put their life back together.

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post #108 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 10:31 AM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

Hey guys, just checking in to clear my head and share my last week. To be honest it's ho unable to smile or be happy most of the time. It feels like a constant sadness has settled home in me. It's very lonel. I see other happy couples, holding hands or just being normal and it feels so far away for me. I'm not operating very well in positivity at the moment either, I'm finding it hard to believe I could ever feel anything else but the way I do right now. Is this normal? Does it go away?
I view my husband so differently now, I no longer feel any rush of love for him, I love him I'm sure but I'm not in love anymore. I find it hard to maintain eye contact, I just don't want to, I force myself sometimes but I just think thoughts like...... you are the biggest nastiest, most conniving individual that's given me the greatest trauma I can barely tolerate. So I avoid his eyes in fear of anger. The anger is with me most days now, I'm so angry that he did this and he repeatedly did so many times. That I was fighting so hard to make our alone time extra sexy and precious on top of being everything else I needed to be in the home and he still 7 times went behind my back to get satisfaction. I cuts me like a knife most days most hours. I hate the way his life is just dandy and he feels no hurt. I hate myself for being so stupid to think that he was a genuine guy the genuinely loved me and what we had was amazing. But most of all I hate they way he so happily lived with himself and happily played the good husband, in fact he's the biggest prick around. I'm sorry for venting but it's still so real to me. Will this angry and hate subside? He appears remorseful but it also appeared a distant husband so I find it hard. He's starting IC on his own, like me too.
We've had our first joint one, it's was so hard as talking about it just refreshing the images of him having orgasms with men. It hurts so intensely. I don't actually think he realises.
I often think about going out and having revenge sex, I know this would be easy to do, just because I want to have sex with someone I'm not hurting by. Also to show him how it feels. I haven't because despite my venting I do love him and I'm trying to hold on to my faith. But it's constantly lingering in my mind as an option just to feel human attractive and wanted. Is this normal.
I literally hate my life, it feel such a burden. I'm constantly thing he's looking for ways to cheat on me again, or get some blond to sick his **** quickly just so he can gleefully come home and lie to my face again. It's horrible. I feel no hope. The therapist said that our marriage is for sure recoverable and I can heal and he can deal with my husbands sex addiction, but right now it feels so far away. My days are filled with anger and hate that swing from one to the other and if neither of those are present I'm numb, lonely and in constant heartache. Please someone tell me I can do this. Please someone say I can fall in love with my husband again. I just hope no one comes and offers to fix my brokenness and hold my heart, it would be hard not to give in.
Please hear, I want my marriage but I needed to ask have you all Been through the same ?
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post #109 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-20-2017, 11:47 AM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

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Originally Posted by Youngwife1000 View Post
Hey guys, just checking in to clear my head and share my last week. To be honest it's ho unable to smile or be happy most of the time. It feels like a constant sadness has settled home in me. It's very lonel. I see other happy couples, holding hands or just being normal and it feels so far away for me. I'm not operating very well in positivity at the moment either, I'm finding it hard to believe I could ever feel anything else but the way I do right now. Is this normal? Does it go away?
I view my husband so differently now, I no longer feel any rush of love for him, I love him I'm sure but I'm not in love anymore. I find it hard to maintain eye contact, I just don't want to, I force myself sometimes but I just think thoughts like...... you are the biggest nastiest, most conniving individual that's given me the greatest trauma I can barely tolerate. So I avoid his eyes in fear of anger. The anger is with me most days now, I'm so angry that he did this and he repeatedly did so many times. That I was fighting so hard to make our alone time extra sexy and precious on top of being everything else I needed to be in the home and he still 7 times went behind my back to get satisfaction. I cuts me like a knife most days most hours. I hate the way his life is just dandy and he feels no hurt. I hate myself for being so stupid to think that he was a genuine guy the genuinely loved me and what we had was amazing. But most of all I hate they way he so happily lived with himself and happily played the good husband, in fact he's the biggest prick around. I'm sorry for venting but it's still so real to me. Will this angry and hate subside? He appears remorseful but it also appeared a distant husband so I find it hard. He's starting IC on his own, like me too.
We've had our first joint one, it's was so hard as talking about it just refreshing the images of him having orgasms with men. It hurts so intensely. I don't actually think he realises.
I often think about going out and having revenge sex, I know this would be easy to do, just because I want to have sex with someone I'm not hurting by. Also to show him how it feels. I haven't because despite my venting I do love him and I'm trying to hold on to my faith. But it's constantly lingering in my mind as an option just to feel human attractive and wanted. Is this normal.
I literally hate my life, it feel such a burden. I'm constantly thing he's looking for ways to cheat on me again, or get some blond to sick his **** quickly just so he can gleefully come home and lie to my face again. It's horrible. I feel no hope. The therapist said that our marriage is for sure recoverable and I can heal and he can deal with my husbands sex addiction, but right now it feels so far away. My days are filled with anger and hate that swing from one to the other and if neither of those are present I'm numb, lonely and in constant heartache. Please someone tell me I can do this. Please someone say I can fall in love with my husband again. I just hope no one comes and offers to fix my brokenness and hold my heart, it would be hard not to give in.
Please hear, I want my marriage but I needed to ask have you all Been through the same ?


What you are feeling is completely normal, and it takes time as your brain is slowly allowing you to feel the pain from infidelity. Initially you are in shock, your brain places you in a state of shock to protect. The brain further protects you by placing you from shock into disbelief. Currently your brain is protecting you with anger, and sorry to say but, after anger is pure rage. So my opinion is that you are perfectly normal, and your emotions will swing wildly from one extreme to another.

As for your pain and sadness, normal, as for your love for your husband, normal. At times I did not feel in love with my wife, this was in the beginning just after d-day. It's definitely a very difficult time to go through, but it will change. I'm not going to tell you it gets easier, this depends on your husband and your personal growth in individual therapy. I say your husband is included because if he is very remorseful and begins to feel your pain. Be careful though, even if the wayward is very remorseful sometimes the betrayed still can't get past the affair. This is why I say to heal yourself, don't work on the marriage just yet, let your husband do that, but you need to get to a healthier position first. I say to wait six months before making a decision that impacts your life on such a grand scale.

Everything you have described is normal, just take one day at a time or even an hour at a time. Talk to your IC, tell the therapist where you stuggle most and begin to work on that. You will make it even though you do not think you can. You are much stronger then you have ever known, and that strength will help you through. Just keep moving forward, occupy your time and surround yourself with friends. You can do this youngwife, stay strong and God bless.

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.
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post #110 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-24-2017, 08:22 AM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

Youngwife1000

How are you doing?

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.
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post #111 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-24-2017, 03:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

@Youngwife1000

I hope that you don't feel so alone - there are far, far too many of us. As drifting says, the things that you are going through are part of you processing what has happened to you. I think that our minds deal with pain and hurt by breaking it up into bite-size chunks. As though we only allow ourselves to process what we can deal with at that specific time. I decided that the more numb I felt, the less able I was to cope, so my mind was protecting me. Then, when I was feeling the greatest anger/pain, I must actually be quite strong underneath it all. I'm not usually an excessively emotional person - so for me, the emotional cycling (angry-sad-numb-furious-angry-sad-numb-more sad-furious ... and repeat) was exhausting. I hadn't felt at the mercy of my emotions like that since being pregnant, maybe even since being a teenager (and that was years ago). Therapy helped me a lot to process and control those emotions. But I probably went for at least 4 or 5 sessions before I began to feel that I was getting anywhere. I still had the emotions afterwards (and still feel them now sometimes), but after that, I felt more like I was watching a storm at sea from a safe harbour. Rather than trying to keep my head above water in the middle of the sea in that same storm.

What I battled with most was the feeling that the love that I had for my husband was slowly and systematically being dismantled by some automatic mechanism inside me. It scared me - even more than feeling so angry, that feeling that my love was slowly being eroded away as the hurt caught up with me. Because if it went away, then what would be the point of going through all this pain? I'll be honest and say that the only "cure" that I found for that was opening myself up to my husband again. Showing my vulnerability to him. That time was all about me - we'd talk and then he'd hold me. Not sex, but he'd just hold me, as if trying to absorb some of my pain. When I talked to him, it was about my hurt; and I could see that my pain was impacting on him. When I saw the sorrow, the shame, it made me feel that he was standing there next to me, weathering it with me. And that made me see him differently. Yes, I hated what he did, but he was showing me that he wanted and needed to be next to me (even if that was an excruciatingly uncomfortable place for him). I gave up on trying to be polite. I was honest with him about what I was feeling. And I cried on him a lot. But I did notice that when I closed myself off from him, that feeling of the love dying was almost palpable.

Thoughts of a revenge affair? Yes, I thought about it. I think the thing that stopped me more than anything else was that I wanted it to mean something. My husband had a strong emotional component to his affair. So, if it was only sex, then it wouldn't be hurting him as much as he had hurt me. Then I'd have to pick someone ... and I wouldn't want them to be emotionally involved, because the whole point was to hurt my husband. Which meant that another man couldn't matter to me. I was pretty sure that the OW's husband would have been willing to do anything to hurt my husband, but at that point, my sense of self-preservation stepped in. I suppose, I'd say that when it came to this, my analysis paralysis lasted long enough to get me to knowing that it was a really bad idea, especially for my self esteem. I didn't want to let my husband's bad choices make me into someone that I am not.

As drifting has said - focus on you right now. On what your needs are. The pain doesn't last forever, no matter how it feels at this moment. Work on deciding what you want and need. And then when the time is right, you can put your mind to whatever it is that you decide you want. I agree that you don't need to decide that you want to stay married right now. That's a huge commitment when you are feeling as you are right now. What you can decide is to tread water for a bit and get your breath back. Little steps.

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.” ― C.S. Lewis

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post #112 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 08:52 AM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

@Mizzback @drifting on
I'm massively devastated now.... I asked my husband to be on his phone less this last weekend as it's really not helping me heal and feeding my paranoia. He reacted really really badly, started an argument then calling me names and insulting me. It was so painful ever harsh word against me a stab wound. It turned to rage, after all the infidelity and then this abuse.,..... I punched him.
He then tried to kick me out onto the street, I refused for a while then submitted and started packing, he then changed his mind and said he'd go. We spent that night in separate rooms, I lay for hours sobbing and praying he would change his mind and his reaction was of his subconscious guilt, he went out drinking until the early hours. The next day I barely saw him. I prayed with a friend that he would come to me again. He didn't, that night he went out to the pub again. I was crushed. In the morning I woke with our baby and went into his room. I lay beside him desperately wanting him to hold me tight, tell me he loves me and we can work it out. He didn't he lay limp and distant. He went to the shower, I looked on his iPad and saw lots of sexy messages to a women he'd met only the night before, he hadn't slept with her but was arranging it. My world came crashing down, he said in his we were separated and he could have sex with whom he pleased now, he said he didn't love me, and he was leaving and never coming home. Through out yesterday he repeatedly told me how he doesn't love me or want me. I feel like he's ripped my soul to pieces. I love him so so so much it's killing me. I can't begin to imagine my life without him.
This girl I've since found out is a coke addict and a home wrecker, she has multiple partners and an all round sleaze bag, to make matters worse she has multiple sexual diseases. My friend is the sexual health nurse. I know my husband has a sex addiction but this women is vile. I know he's planning if not already had sec with her and it's torturous to me. The images of him with her are horrible. I love him so much.
So anyway he's gone, and I'm no longer able to try and save my marriage, he's left me, I have no idea how to put myself back together. I'm broken 😢😢
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post #113 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 10:29 AM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

@Youngwife1000

I'm so sorry for your husbands reactions and his further actions that are causing you pain. Implement the 180, you need to begin to detach from the man you thought you married. If he is with someone who has known diseases then don't have sex with him. Your husband isn't remorseful for his previous actions, which is why he is seeking sex from anyone. Ultimately he has to own his ****, which apparently is something he is unable to do.

I suggest you see a lawyer and file for divorce, no matter how much you love him, only one person trying to repair the marriage won't work. Reconciliation is some of the most difficult work I've done, some days it can bring you to your knees, others it can show glimpses of how good it can be. The truth is, you need strength you never knew you had, and your husband reacting in this way shows he isn't strong enough.

Focus on your recovery and the kids, focus on therapy. This isn't easy, but you will make it through. I don't have much advice about divorcing, seeing as I reconciled, but I will try to help you make it. Feel free to pm me anytime if you need to. I pray you feel strength to carry you through each day.

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post #114 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 12:37 PM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

@Youngwife1000 -has anyone ever told you what a great name that is? - It is you and your baby, now.

See a lawyer and ask about divorce, child custody and the like.

You and your baby will be in my prayers. And your husband, too. Because he needs help.


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post #115 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 01:24 PM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

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@Youngwife1000

I'm so sorry for your husbands reactions and his further actions that are causing you pain. Implement the 180, you need to begin to detach from the man you thought you married. If he is with someone who has known diseases then don't have sex with him. Your husband isn't remorseful for his previous actions, which is why he is seeking sex from anyone. Ultimately he has to own his ****, which apparently is something he is unable to do.

I suggest you see a lawyer and file for divorce, no matter how much you love him, only one person trying to repair the marriage won't work. Reconciliation is some of the most difficult work I've done, some days it can bring you to your knees, others it can show glimpses of how good it can be. The truth is, you need strength you never knew you had, and your husband reacting in this way shows he isn't strong enough.

Focus on your recovery and the kids, focus on therapy. This isn't easy, but you will make it through. I don't have much advice about divorcing, seeing as I reconciled, but I will try to help you make it. Feel free to pm me anytime if you need to. I pray you feel strength to carry you through each day.
It's hard as today, after I posted he said he's such an idiot and doesn't understand his own actions. He said he's sorry for all my pain and he hates seeing me broken, he said he loved us all. I find this very confusing. It's the first time I've seen him this remorseful. He didn't meet the lady for sex and has blocked all contact with her. I'm very confused by him this afternoon. I'm still however now applying the 180, I'm too scared not too now.
Sucks and very confusing. X
Thank you for your response and advice, massively helpful as always x

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post #116 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 01:45 PM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

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It's hard as today, after I posted he said he's such an idiot and doesn't understand his own actions. He said he's sorry for all my pain and he hates seeing me broken, he said he loved us all. I find this very confusing. It's the first time I've seen him this remorseful. He didn't meet the lady for sex and has blocked all contact with her. I'm very confused by him this afternoon. I'm still however now applying the 180, I'm too scared not too now.
Sucks and very confusing. X
Thank you for your response and advice, massively helpful as always x


I kind of hate saying this, but the wayward spouse is also feeling pain, riding the emotional roller coaster, and reacting out of fear, fear of losing all they had. With that said, you still need to file for divorce and speak with a lawyer, remorseful does not call you names and seek out a new sexual partner. I'll add more later today but you do need to get that appointment with a lawyer and file. You can stop the divorce if you feel the need.

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post #117 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 03:00 PM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

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@Youngwife1000 -has anyone ever told you what a great name that is? - It is you and your baby, now.

See a lawyer and ask about divorce, child custody and the like.

You and your baby will be in my prayers. And your husband, too. Because he needs help.

I love my name, I bet someone really great choose it.
I have 6 children, my eldest 19 and youngest 10 months. I was married before for10 years, he was abusive and after 10years I had to get out for my children sake. I healed and then married my current or now ex husband. We had two of our own. Yes he needs help desperately, he's a mess right now. I told him tonight I forgive him, for him but also for me to move on in forgiveness. I need to do what drifting on said and apply 180. It's hard but while he maintains he's not in love with me reconciliation will never work.
Here in England divorce isn't a huge deal just yet. I can apply on infidelity and it will be granted, we will sort out the contact and child support at the same time. I'm not ready to do that yet though. That's for the future when it's less painful.
I appreciate all prayers at the moment, thank you.

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post #118 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 04:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

@Youngwife1000

Oh, special person - I am so very, very sorry. Sometimes life is just so unbelievably crap. I agree with drifting - your husband is too weak right now to be what he needs to be for you. I am sure that his awful behaviour is mostly about being unable to face himself, and he is running away in the only way he knows - the stupid, stupid man. Until he finds the courage to turn around and see himself for what he is, you shouldn't allow him in your life as your husband. You definitely need to see a lawyer. You can always stop a divorce, but you do need to start distancing yourself from him. It just isn't fair right now for you to have to bear any of his burdens as well. And you need the stability of knowing where you are and who you can rely on to begin healing. Are you seeing your therapist again soon? Mine has said that I can call her if I have an emergency - maybe yours has the same?

It's funny (in a dark and morbid way) - tonight my husband and I had our weekly MC. He told me that he came very close to walking away from me late last year because he didn't know if he could be strong enough - to confront both my pain and anger and his shame and guilt. He said it was the hardest thing he'd ever done. I hadn't really thought about it quite like that before.

Applying the 180 will allow you to start building a life that doesn't need your husband in it for you to be happy. And right now, that seems like the best decision that you can make. Courage and strength and many, many thoughts to you. Try and sleep well tonight.

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.” ― C.S. Lewis

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Last edited by Mizzbak; 04-25-2017 at 04:59 PM. Reason: Typo
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post #119 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 05:25 PM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

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SKM, I have reread your posts and think that the heart of your issue is as you have stated below

[/B]

You are more interested in the justice part of Drifting On’s story than the grace. I get you on that point as my tendency is to do the same. However, I respect and think that grace is a higher level of dealing with infidelity and life. Grace is contrary to my observation of the way mankind thinks. We just celebrated Easter; WHY?. Because many have hope in the grace that the Christian faith presents. Who in their right mind is going to give up their innocent son to be tortured to death in crucifixion so that others can get rid of their guilt? NOBODY… IMO! That is a much higher level of true love!

I have already told you that I would not do what drifting on have done but I do admire him and he is an inspiration to those that believe in grace. Just because I will not do what D.O. has done does not mean that I do not strive to get to that point. If you are going to reconcile then I think that Grace is very important for many.

Now back to the purpose of this thread of Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation” and Drifting On. My guess is that D.O. is just like many other BS including me. We hate Infidelity, and suffering for a spouse that betrayed us but want to reconcile when there is true remorse. Why? …because some may think that R is the best way to handle to the pain, will be better for us in the long run, we still have some love for your spouse, it is best for our children, and we want to strive to follow our faith to name a few.

My summary at this point is still the same as I have stated below



Sokillme, for whatever it is worth, contrary to what you posted, I do not want you to shut up, and I think that you are struggling with the justice-grace issue but you seem to be very honest and upfront about your thinking. I cannot deny that I choose justice over grace at times but I do believe that grace, if you are going to reconcile, then grace gets you a lot closer to a satisfactory reconciliation

I am sorry for the delay I didn't see this until today. I think you have me pegged accept to say I think grace is better, I think grace is what gives me hope in God, yet the disconnect in this situation is hard for me. Maybe it's because it is from human to human, and not human to God. Does that make me a hypocrite? Maybe. Contrary to what some people think I have great respect for the love that Drifting On has shown for his kids. I even respect the mercy he has show to his wife. It just pains me that he has received such a raw deal.

Also I feel that a great many BS stay because of fear. I wish we would would spend more time helping them to overcome their fear so they could make more logical and less emotional decisions. I think I would be less strident on here if there was more voices to the fact that there is just as much hope in divorce, sometimes more so.

All I can give is my own experience. I can think about my ex (not my wife so I know it's not exactly the same) but ex she was and I was ready to commit my life to her and had though she didn't except before I caught her. I can think about that all day long and I don't feel one ounce of pain. I feel no differently then how I feel about when I feel of my bike and had a mild concussion a few years back (no jokes). It's just something that happened.

As soon as I fell in love with someone else that moment lost all it's power for me. Because the thing that held it power was my love for her. Once I that love was given to another the power was broken. When I read people who over years and decades still feel this endless pain I think it's sad. It really doesn't have to be that way. So many people seem trapped because they are afraid the will never love again. It's not true.

Last edited by sokillme; 04-25-2017 at 05:38 PM.
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post #120 of 131 (permalink) Old 04-26-2017, 08:59 AM
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Re: Support thread for BS's trying reconciliation

Quote:
Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
I am sorry for the delay I didn't see this until today. I think you have me pegged accept to say I think grace is better, I think grace is what gives me hope in God, yet the disconnect in this situation is hard for me. Maybe it's because it is from human to human, and not human to God. Does that make me a hypocrite? Maybe. Contrary to what some people think I have great respect for the love that Drifting On has shown for his kids. I even respect the mercy he has show to his wife. It just pains me that he has received such a raw deal.

Also I feel that a great many BS stay because of fear. I wish we would would spend more time helping them to overcome their fear so they could make more logical and less emotional decisions. I think I would be less strident on here if there was more voices to the fact that there is just as much hope in divorce, sometimes more so.

All I can give is my own experience. I can think about my ex (not my wife so I know it's not exactly the same) but ex she was and I was ready to commit my life to her and had though she didn't except before I caught her. I can think about that all day long and I don't feel one ounce of pain. I feel no differently then how I feel about when I feel of my bike and had a mild concussion a few years back (no jokes). It's just something that happened.

As soon as I fell in love with someone else that moment lost all it's power for me. Because the thing that held it power was my love for her. Once I that love was given to another the power was broken. When I read people who over years and decades still feel this endless pain I think it's sad. It really doesn't have to be that way. So many people seem trapped because they are afraid the will never love again. It's not true.


A great post @sokillme, I agree that there is hope in both divorce and reconciliation. All individuals are different, so reconciliation may prove to be an unwise choice, just as divorce may be an unwise choice. Over three years from d-day my pain is considerably less and the pain I sometimes do feel isn't sharp or piercing, that pain also quickly fades to sadness. But what keeps me moving forward is knowing I'm a much healthier person now, I'm much stronger, and I have brought myself to be the best me possible. I can't make any guarantees that my wife will cheat again, I can make any guarantees she won't cheat again, but I know this, I will be ok if I divorce. It's coming to this point in your healing that I have accepted the affair, I have accepted the paternity of the boys, and I have accepted my healing process to be healthier.

Many of us speak about karma, I have said I wasn't always a good person. I am guilty of transgressions towards others, I have flaws, and many years ago I changed. When infidelity struck my marriage j needed to change again. I wasn't the perfect husband before infidelity also, I realize and have accepted the changes I need to make to get to where I am today. Was karma for when I was young and transgressed against others? Was karma for being a less then perfect husband before the affair? Karma seems to come without prejudice, and karma sometimes comes to you without a label. Therefore I accept the karma that has come to me, and that karma ignited me to become a healthier person. I'm not saying I'm at fault in any way for the affair, that is owned by my wife, but the karma that has come my way I accept.

As for grace, perhaps I have given or shown grace to my wife. My wife has shown or given me grace during our marriage also, simply put, we have both transgressed on each other. Has she transgressed on me more often then I, have I transgressed more on her, in marriage it's not about keeping score. Marriage is making sacrifices, sacrifices for your spouse and the marriage itself. One can't have everything they want, one must find a solution that best fits himself/herself and the marriage. These acts are done with grace, kindness, and love for the spouse and the marriage. I was once told that, what you put into a marriage is what you get out of the marriage, I think this rings true.

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.
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