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post #16 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 09:58 PM
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Re: W started a new job

She's cheated enough times the number is no longer important.

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post #17 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 11:23 PM
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Re: W started a new job

A person's past behavior is a very good indicator of their future behavior. This is a known truth and why police round up all the burglars when investigating a robbery. Most of my outside non monogamous marriage sex, was with women who worked in my office. One thing I learned is that women are attracted to power and money. One even yelled out "Now I know why they call you the boss." during her orgasm. Some women are attracted to their bosses. It seems to be a thing. My best friend's wife left him for her boss. Every boss I worked for cheated with one of their employees, both male and female bosses.

I did not worry. My wife was married to her boss, me. Then she became a real estate agent working from home. I also provided her with a lifestyle few men could plus she preferred to play with girls outside of our marriage, not men. The rate of cheating has dramatically increased due to more women in the workplace. Some spend more time talking to workmates than their husbands. Their "work husband" listens to their problems, sides with them and provides emotional support. They are treated as hot desirable women which makes them happy. Woman have been catching up with men in the numbers who cheat, every year. I do not want to get into lecture mode again but monogamy is unnatural and does not work for many. We have a divorce rate of 50% because monogamy breeds an almost viral tendency to take the other person for granted, to have huge expectations, and to deliver this all from a sense of duty and obligation — without a thank you! This means unhappiness and resentment of each other.

Putting a woman in a situation where there are alpha males with all the trappings of success, ups the odds that they will cheat. Re-read my first sentance. That is a basic psychological truth. Women are genetically attracted to males that have the best genes and since hunting and fighting are no longer needed, they are attracted to men with power, money, good looks and a sense of humor that makes them laugh; the modern equivalent. Most women put sense of humor on the top of their list. Who doesn't want to laugh most days of their life. Your wife needs to work in a place where she is not surrounded by alpha males who have the qualities women are attracted to. Either that or just look the other way on her cheating. Sounds funny? I dated three married women at work who had been cheating for as long as 10 years with multiple guys, who got caught and forgiven a few times. Their husbands decided to look the other way rather than accept the alternative. I often socialized with one of those husbands and he knew his wife was my girlfriend. It takes all kinds.

I dumped my fiancee of 5 years for cheating on me 6 months before the wedding. She was the one who wanted to be monogamous, not me. So I agreed and she went ahead and cheated on me. I could not live with a wife who I could not trust and is a proven liar, as well as someone who has shown me to be unworthy of trust. I bet every time she comes home late or acts differently it eats you up inside. I will guess that her infidelity would come up in arguments. Trust takes a very long time to regain and even then, it will never be the same as before. Your wife will resent you not trusting her and may send her into the arms of another man. That is no way to live.

One last thing, the married women I knew who cheated on their husbands went on to cheat over and over again. They did not stop as promised. They just got better at hiding it.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.

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post #18 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 12:01 AM Thread Starter
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Re: W started a new job

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Originally Posted by VladDracul View Post
I always say country music composers write our lives. Here's one dedicated to MAJDEATH written and performed by my close relative.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=65VzVXCP248
This made me lol! Too funny.

The success of marriage comes not in finding the “right” person, but in the ability of both partners to adjust to the real person they inevitably realize they married - John Fischer
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post #19 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 12:38 AM Thread Starter
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Re: W started a new job

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A person's past behavior is a very good indicator of their future behavior. T
This is what concerns me the most. 10+ yrs ago she got involved with some people she worked with, and I am not 100% certain that she has felt enough pain, regret, and remorse related to those times to overcome any remaining predisposition to want to get close with co-workers. But there may be another reason.

Just recently, we acquired a rental property and I discovered that she had opened up to one of the female renters (a virtual stranger) about some personal information from our past (finances, career choices, education, medical issues, etc). This came up because we needed to evict this tenant and she went about bashing us on social media, using the information my W told her about us.

I have been working with my W for several years about not revealing personal information to relative strangers that we encounter in our day-to-day life, and it appears that thru years of counseling we have learned that she demonstrates many traits from the Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) spectrum. One of those traits is she may idealize potential caregivers at the first or second meeting, and share very intimate information early on in a new relationship. Another trait she demonstrates is sudden changes in opinions and plans about her professional career choices, which she has done consistently throughout our marriage. There are some other traits as well, more info here: https://psychcentral.com/disorders/b...rder-symptoms/

My point here is I believe there is a distinction between personal responsibility in behavior and the effects of a mental health condition, which is not the fault of the afflicted.

The success of marriage comes not in finding the “right” person, but in the ability of both partners to adjust to the real person they inevitably realize they married - John Fischer
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post #20 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 12:45 AM Thread Starter
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Re: W started a new job

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This ^^ x 100.

MJ, you have the double problem with 1) wife having loose boundaries and 2) her being surrounded by confident, arrogant SOBs who think nothing about banging one or more of the legal staff.

I really don't have any advice. It probably is one of the worse types of environments she can work in.
Then this really will be a good test for her. 5 male lawyers and 7 female support staff.

The success of marriage comes not in finding the “right” person, but in the ability of both partners to adjust to the real person they inevitably realize they married - John Fischer
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post #21 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 12:45 AM
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Re: W started a new job

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2 weeks ago my W started a new job as a legal researcher/investigator in a very prominent law office where we live. She had problems in the past with getting too close to male coworkers, which ultimately led to inappropriate relationships.

Everything seems fine for now, but I am slightly triggering when she tells me about some of the personalities of and interactions with the lawyers. It reminds me of similar situations from before that did other end up well. We shall see.
Sounds like an interesting job. Does she like research and investigation?

From previous posts it sounds like she might like the work.
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post #22 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 01:21 AM Thread Starter
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Re: W started a new job

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How about the 2 of you discuss appropriate boundaries with the opposite sex? Being that she has cheated in the past I would have thought this was vital. It seems she had no boundaries. Does she give you full access to her phone and computer? How many times has she cheated? What conditions did you put on the marriage continuing? Have you told her that one more affair and the marriage is over?

You must have very low self esteem to let her treat you so terribly.
We have discussed and she agreed on appropriate boundaries. I have full access to all of her means of communication, no passwords. She signed a post-nup in November that excludes her from my 3 retirement accounts if we ever D.

The success of marriage comes not in finding the “right” person, but in the ability of both partners to adjust to the real person they inevitably realize they married - John Fischer
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post #23 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 01:28 AM Thread Starter
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Re: W started a new job

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Sounds like an interesting job. Does she like research and investigation?

From previous posts it sounds like she might like the work.
It seems a very good career move for her right now. The receptionist revealed that my W was the best candidate of the 8 they interviewed, by far!

And before anyone asks, this law firm does not handle family court/divorce cases, only personal injury cases .

The success of marriage comes not in finding the “right” person, but in the ability of both partners to adjust to the real person they inevitably realize they married - John Fischer
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post #24 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 03:04 AM
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Cool Re: W started a new job

At this juncture, I'm afraid that even the growing of a third eye in the back of your head wouldn't even begin to offer all that much help!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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post #25 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:10 AM
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Re: W started a new job

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It seems a very good career move for her right now. The receptionist revealed that my W was the best candidate of the 8 they interviewed, by far!
Was the receptionist a man?

I'm working a theory.

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post #26 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:27 AM
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Re: W started a new job

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Then this really will be a good test for her. 5 male lawyers and 7 female support staff.
But, you know....since she supposedly has a 'mental condition,' nothing is her fault so she shouldn't be blamed when she has an affair with at least one of them. I would imagine that same 'mental condition' would affect her work in some way, wouldn't it? Or does it just 'cause' her to cheat?

When she's got you making excuses for her, the world is her oyster.
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post #27 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:32 AM
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Re: W started a new job

Majdeath,

You wrote, Then this really will be a good test for her. 5 male lawyers and 7 female support staff.

Given what your WW has done, can she even be trusted around other females?

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post #28 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:38 AM
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Re: W started a new job

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The last time I checked on your issues. There was OM in the picture and she was doing foot things among other things with her. You were set on divorcing and now she is back?

Please forgive me, but you like being cheated on don't you? Why else stay with this type of woman. She may be a hottie, but can't you get a hottie that is not hot to trot with others?

I don't get this and probably never will.

So is there a web page to play innie, minnie, minney moe, who is the next one my WS will make me a cuckold for?

I may get banned for this one, but it just hurts to see you floundering like this. You most certainly can get better than her regardless of how hot you think she is.
I got my butt chewed a while back for referring to him as that. (even tho others have been called that many many times in many many different threads....)

I'm not sure why he gets triggered at this point. He knows she cheats and he chooses to stay. I would think its just part of day to day life at this point. Makes me sad.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #29 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:42 AM
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Re: W started a new job

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It seems a very good career move for her right now.
But unfortunately, likely not a very good move for the marriage.
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post #30 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:44 AM
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Re: W started a new job


"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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