W started a new job - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 02:58 PM Thread Starter
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She's cheated enough times the number is no longer important.
Sadly, what she does is no longer important either. It's OP that has the real issues that require professional help. He comes here looking for answers when in reality we are not adept to helping him in any way, form, or fashion.

His way of dealing with his wife's shenanigans clearly shows us just how unhealthy and unstable he really is. I can't deny this any longer. It is just not possible.

This is hurting me personally and in my real life, when a patient/student of mine is beyond my reach to help him; I simply send them off to a professional that can indeed help them and not be personally involved. I have reached this point with @MAJDEATH.

He now states that he stays because she is ill. That is not his problem nor his responsibility. This woman is not his kid. The kid she made him believe was his is a grown man now and I am pretty certain he knows just how sick his momma is. Majdeath staying with her is just a very poor excuse for not seeking professional help for himself to remove himself from such a toxic individual his WS is.

He doesn't have a backbone left to stand on. He isn't doing anything positive to regain that backbone. He is choosing to be a toxic woman's door mat with the ridiculous excuse of illness.

No one buys this excuse. It is just not honest and can't be taken seriously by anyone with half a brain and most of us have much more than half a brain.


How terribly sad.
I didn't know you were the official spokesperson for all TAM forum members.

I don't think I ever asked for answers, although I value the opinions of others. I talk to my counselor about those things. I thought the purpose of TAM was to discuss situations and perhaps others may benefit from the insight of a similar situation.

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post #47 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 03:04 PM
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Re: W started a new job

She isnt ill, the inability to remain faithful is not an illness, its a character defect.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
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post #48 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 03:04 PM
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Re: W started a new job

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Originally Posted by Bibi1031 View Post
This is hurting me personally and in my real life, when a patient/student of mine is beyond my reach to help him; I simply send them off to a professional that can indeed help them and not be personally involved.


I too have felt this sadness as a result of putting myself in another [betrayed] poster's situation. It is the weak response to abuse that bothers me.

I keep thinking.....*why do I keep coming back to TAM?

Like a Moth flying into the Flame.




*Maybe to annoy @EleGirl

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #49 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 03:14 PM
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Re: W started a new job

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Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
I thought the purpose of TAM was to discuss situations and perhaps others may benefit from the insight of a similar situation.
Haven't seen too many other situations like yours where the wife has cheated so many times with so many partners and the husband just turns a blind eye to it or excuses it.

I have never come across a story (other than yours) where the wife with the history of serial cheating with countless men tells the husband that the newest guy, who she was alone with in a hotel room, was simply giving her a foot massage- and the husband buys it hook line and sinker.

There is no benefit to betrayed spouses from reading your threads other than perhaps learning what not to do.
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post #50 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 03:14 PM
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Re: W started a new job

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*Maybe to annoy @EleGirl
LOL

I don't think you have the power to annoy her! You are wasting your time on that lame excuse.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #51 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 03:20 PM
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Re: W started a new job

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Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
I didn't know you were the official spokesperson for all TAM forum members.

I don't think I ever asked for answers, although I value the opinions of others. I talk to my counselor about those things. I thought the purpose of TAM was to discuss situations and perhaps others may benefit from the insight of a similar situation.

I am no spokesperson for TAM, just like your situation is far from similar to anyone else's. I would argue to the contrary. It is quite unique in a very twisted way. If you can't see it, then your counselor is a phony and you need to seek better professional help IMNSHO. You are not getting better at all, but you are wasting your hard earned money on it. So someone other than you is benefiting for sure!

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #52 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 03:25 PM
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Re: W started a new job

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Originally Posted by 3Xnocharm View Post
She isnt ill, the inability to remain faithful is not an illness, its a character defect.
QFT!


Talk about spinning/twisting things to fit ones needs ha!

Either way OP, you don't want help, you can't really help anyone else with your unique situation. There is nothing left to say, but I do hope you wake up and get healthy one day by letting go of the albatross your cheating spouse is.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.

Last edited by Bibi1031; 04-05-2017 at 03:31 PM.
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post #53 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 03:36 PM
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Re: W started a new job

Majdeath,

It's cool that you love your wife. No relationship is perfect, your is just particularly clouded by your wife's cheating.
It's good that you have passwords and are able to see her social stuff. Good that you are discussing this stuff and she's agreeing with boundaries.

Heck, maybe she will stop cheating. But honestly, it's unlikely.
If you can live with it, live with it and don't worry about anything else, especially other people's opinions.

I personally think she is not going to choose to stop cheating and as soon as a decent looking guy gives her the right kind of attention, she'll be up to her old tricks.

If you are happy, I'm happy.

I really don't think there's any way to break her from her shenanigans. The only thing you can do is learn to detach and get out of this kind of life of worrying. But, if you can handle the worrying all the time, maybe you'd be happier with her.

I hope lightning strikes her and she has an epiphany and stops the cheating. SOunds like you would have a good marriage if she'd just finally grow up a little. I agree with others that she's not ill. She just likes sex and attention from more than one man, and from what I read, she's attractive enough to get lots of attn. from men. Just a bad combination...
Good luck
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post #54 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 04:29 PM
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Re: W started a new job

Majdeath,

About my earlier post I was not implying that your WW was a lesbian, just that a person with lowered boundaries who get intimate quickly with others can fall into an emotional relationship with anyone.

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post #55 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 02:58 AM
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Re: W started a new job

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Originally Posted by 3Xnocharm View Post
She isnt ill, the inability to remain faithful is not an illness, its a character defect.
Actually, yes and no. It depends. Sadly, it does. Medication or lack of medication can cause a person to go "crazy" or have thoughts they would not normally have.
The other factor is that every human has the capacity and natural mental ability to have an affair. Even here we talk about how getting close to co-workers can accidently start that path not the same as the guy (or woman) who is on the hunt to find someone to cheat with.

Early days of post-D day, I went through 3 different kinds of medication before a doctor got me on something that was stabilizing and non-addictive. I did Xanax for a while but had given someone else control of the pills for fear of becoming addicted. But Xanax can usually be bad for depression. Did Prozac for 2 days, stopped when sudden abnormal thoughts of suicide started.

Drinking can severely effect medication and of course cause death. 6+ months before the affair, my wife's doc. gave her a different medication - which over the course of a few days didn't know how bad things were getting until it blew up. Police were called - she ran away, she had accidently caused self-harm by falling over a railing. Stop that medication cold. It was talking to the cops who said "has she started taking new meds?" - light-bulb.

Now, the thing to keep in mind is that people who are bi-polar seem to be higher with cheating... and can become addicted to the AP much harder than a non-bipolar person.

None of this should give the cheater a "get out of jail free" card, of course. That is up to the BS / WS to decide and what damage has been done and what is tools are being used for recovery.

Those without mental illness, have less excuse or reason for their actions.


Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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post #56 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 03:25 AM
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Re: W started a new job

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Originally Posted by 3Xnocharm View Post
She isnt ill, the inability to remain faithful is not an illness, its a character defect.
Agreed, thats being used as an excuse for her appalling behaviour. I know loads of people who have had serious mental illness and who have been on many types of medication, none of them acted that way.

To the OP, have you ever told her that if she cheats one more time the marriage is over, and meant it? The thing is she has cheated many times and there have never been any consequences. No wonder she keeps on doing it, she knows that you will do nothing. She has nothing to loose.
I can understand having someone back the first time, if they are truly repentant, but the fact that she has done it many times shows that she was never truly sorry.
I hope your faith in her is rewarded, but sadly I doubt it will be.

My brother had a wife like yours, she ended up having 4 long affairs and eventually she divorced him and married her 4th lover. Its was the best thing she could have done for him, he now has a lovely faithful partner who treats him with love and respect not like trash as yours is.
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post #57 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 09:23 AM Thread Starter
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One of the things that also came out of the Iast incident is I will no longer defend my W to family, friends, and even on TAM. Her meds and therapy are now adjusted and under control, and she is responsible for her actions. So if something happens at her new job, it is totally on her and I walk away with everything knowing she had every chance to make it right, but choose not to. No regrets. I know the odds of a former serial cheater flying straight are low, but that's where it is.
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post #58 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 10:47 AM
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Re: W started a new job

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Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
One of the things that also came out of the Iast incident is I will no longer defend my W to family, friends, and even on TAM. Her meds and therapy are now adjusted and under control, and she is responsible for her actions. So if something happens at her new job, it is totally on her and I walk away with everything knowing she had every chance to make it right, but choose not to. No regrets. I know the odds of a former serial cheater flying straight are low, but that's where it is.
You have done above and beyond what can be expected to save your marriage.

Keep your eyes open, don't get too comfortable yet and good luck.
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post #59 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 11:03 AM Thread Starter
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The first 2 weeks, she was very chatty at the dinner table, telling me all about the new folks she is working with. This week, not so much. I hope this is not indicative of an EA in its early stages, but merely a shift in having already told me about everybody there.
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post #60 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 11:17 AM
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Re: W started a new job

So you sit with her at the dinner table, wondering if she's cheating on you because she's not talking about work as much. Knowing the odds are high that she is.

This is no way to live.
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