W started a new job - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 10:03 AM Thread Starter
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W started a new job

2 weeks ago my W started a new job as a legal researcher/investigator in a very prominent law office where we live. She had problems in the past with getting too close to male coworkers, which ultimately led to inappropriate relationships.

Everything seems fine for now, but I am slightly triggering when she tells me about some of the personalities of and interactions with the lawyers. It reminds me of similar situations from before that did not end up well. We shall see.


Last edited by MAJDEATH; 04-05-2017 at 01:16 AM.
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post #2 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 10:26 AM
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Re: W started a new job

Your problems will never go away until:

You die.
She dies.

She is 90 years old and in a wheelchair......and she has lost her mind, she no longer knows what a man is, a women is. And she "must" wear "Depends", 24/7. And, only "if" her caregivers are all female. No!.....you would still worry.

You would worry even if she died and is in the ground......you would worry if the dirty worms were nibbling on her.

Enjoy her while both of you are alive. She IS a hottie.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #3 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 10:30 AM
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Re: W started a new job

OP,
I do regret that suspicion goes with the territory. Once a spouse has shown that they are capable, then there is forever doubt. Only a very lengthy period with no indiscretions can ease those doubts and even then they remain to some degree. This is a reality that all BSs must live with. I live with it but I can say that it has eased over time and I am beginning to believe that my W is much less capable of betrayal than I believed her to be even a year ago. Still, I have my moments where thoughts occupy my mind but I try to dismiss them as best I can.

The sad truth is that if they are going to betray they are going to and no amount of worry can change that fact so it is truly counterproductive to occupy your mind with those thoughts. Recently I have begun to redirect my mind to another process. Whenever I think of her betraying me I no longer focus on the betrayal but rather on my game plan as to D and moving on. I find the thoughts burn out much faster when I stop thinking of "what she may be doing to me" and focus instead on how I will move on if that does indeed occur. In that way I am not focused on the betrayal and I am aligning my waterfowl for that possibility. I wish you good fortune.

Peace and long life
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post #4 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 10:48 AM
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Re: W started a new job

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Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
2 weeks ago my W started a new job as a legal researcher/investigator in a very prominent law office where we live. She had problems in the past with getting too close to male coworkers, which ultimately led to inappropriate relationships.

Everything seems fine for now, but I am slightly triggering when she tells me about some of the personalities of and interactions with the lawyers. It reminds me of similar situations from before that did other end up well. We shall see.
I understand 100% what you're talking about. My wife is a lawyer and her area of law is a very male dominated field. She to got a little too close to another attorney, nothing physical but still. I have seen texts and emails on her phone, seen the interactions in person and she's told me stories, male attorneys and men in general can be very inappropriate when they're even just a little bit comfortable with who they're around. It is an uneasy situation for me at times since we do have problems with our marriage and I am unsure of how things will ultimately end up. But things I've seen and investigated have turned up to be nothing more than just inappropriate behavior.

Keep your guard up and your radar scanning, but don't jump to conclusions unless you have some real proof of something. I made the mistake of jumping to conclusions and confronting her on something that turned out to be nothing, all it did was set back the progress we had made.
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post #5 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 10:58 AM
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Re: W started a new job

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Originally Posted by AtMyEnd View Post
male attorneys and men in general can be very inappropriate
This ^^ x 100.

MJ, you have the double problem with 1) wife having loose boundaries and 2) her being surrounded by confident, arrogant SOBs who think nothing about banging one or more of the legal staff.

I really don't have any advice. It probably is one of the worse types of environments she can work in.
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post #6 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 11:01 AM
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Re: W started a new job

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Originally Posted by AtMyEnd View Post
Keep your guard up and your radar scanning, but don't jump to conclusions unless you have some real proof of something.
His wife has cheated on him multiple times. She will continue to do so. He always takes her back.

Rinse, lather, repeat.
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post #7 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 11:07 AM
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Re: W started a new job

I'd be worried too if I were you.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
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post #8 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 02:23 PM
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Re: W started a new job

Majdeath,

If most lawyers are dishonest when under oath and in a court house, how much more amoral will they be in real life. They profit from other peoples conflict and suffering and will not think twice about poaching on you.

Better make all the lawyers believe you are a psycho who practices a scorched earth policy.

On the other hand just monitor what your WW is doing and come down like a ton of bricks sudden on both of them when the inevitable happens.

Tamat
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post #9 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 02:41 PM
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Re: W started a new job

Just remember, whatever evidence you find no matter how small, make sure it solidly proves something and don't confront until you have enough to tell the entire story. No matter how hard it may be, you cannot let on that you know or suspect anything until you have that ton of bricks to drop on them.

And while doing your snooping or whatever else, do a little searching and researching on the OM's wife, specifically email or Facebook information. That way when things really hit the fan and you're getting the run around on everything. When you know what you know and you know you're being lied to, you take everything you have and send it to the OM's wife. Don't threaten it, don't tell her you're doing it....just do it.
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post #10 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 02:49 PM
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Re: W started a new job



The last time I checked on your issues. There was OM in the picture and she was doing foot things among other things with her. You were set on divorcing and now she is back?

Please forgive me, but you like being cheated on don't you? Why else stay with this type of woman. She may be a hottie, but can't you get a hottie that is not hot to trot with others?

I don't get this and probably never will.

So is there a web page to play innie, minnie, minney moe, who is the next one my WS will make me a cuckold for?

I may get banned for this one, but it just hurts to see you floundering like this. You most certainly can get better than her regardless of how hot you think she is.


Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #11 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 06:17 PM
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Re: W started a new job

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Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
2 weeks ago my W started a new job as a legal researcher/investigator in a very prominent law office where we live. She had problems in the past with getting too close to male coworkers, which ultimately led to inappropriate relationships.

She has a history of poor boundaries around men. What has she done to show you she will implement good boundaries around men?

Everything seems fine for now, but I am slightly triggering when she tells me about some of the personalities of and interactions with the lawyers. It reminds me of similar situations from before that did other end up well. We shall see.

I could never live like this. I'd sit down with her and let her know that as a married couple, you two need to decide on an appropriate place of employment for her. As a researcher, she's probably a candidate for many suitable alternatives that would be better for your marriage, including working from home or in a female-dominated office, or the two of you going into business together (just throwing out ideas here that I've heard others brainstorm in situations where one spouse has had an EA in the workplace and the spouse struggled with similar feelings as yours on a daily basis). That seems incredibly damaging for you to have to live wondering if she's acting inappropriate with her coworkers every day.


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post #12 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 07:24 PM
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Re: W started a new job

I know you will never leave your cheating wife, and that is painful.

If only you realized that you deserve someone better in your life, not someone you have to worry if they are going to sleep with someone every time they walk out the door. I would be so tired of all the worrying and snooping, keeping tabs it is just not worth it, but some people are just not able to get out or realize they deserve better.

There is a better life with a better person out there, you just have to want it more than you want to stay with an unremorseful cheater.



You do matter!
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post #13 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 07:52 PM
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Re: W started a new job

I always say country music composers write our lives. Here's one dedicated to MAJDEATH written and performed by my close relative.


If you don't embody controversy, what you say will become just another part of the media driven culture of stifling thought and debate about issues.
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post #14 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 09:45 PM
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Re: W started a new job

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Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
2 weeks ago my W started a new job as a legal researcher/investigator in a very prominent law office where we live. She had problems in the past with getting too close to male coworkers, which ultimately led to inappropriate relationships.

Everything seems fine for now, but I am slightly triggering when she tells me about some of the personalities of and interactions with the lawyers. It reminds me of similar situations from before that did other end up well. We shall see.
How about the 2 of you discuss appropriate boundaries with the opposite sex? Being that she has cheated in the past I would have thought this was vital. It seems she had no boundaries. Does she give you full access to her phone and computer? How many times has she cheated? What conditions did you put on the marriage continuing? Have you told her that one more affair and the marriage is over?

You must have very low self esteem to let her treat you so terribly.

Last edited by Diana7; 04-04-2017 at 09:58 PM.
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post #15 of 73 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 09:52 PM
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Re: W started a new job

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I know you will never leave your cheating wife, and that is painful.

If only you realized that you deserve someone better in your life, not someone you have to worry if they are going to sleep with someone every time they walk out the door. I would be so tired of all the worrying and snooping, keeping tabs it is just not worth it, but some people are just not able to get out or realize they deserve better.

There is a better life with a better person out there, you just have to want it more than you want to stay with an unremorseful cheater.
It seems she has her cake and eats it too. How sad.
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