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post #16 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 04:22 PM
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Re: wife in workplace affair

This same story was posted on SI today.

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post #17 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 04:44 PM
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Re: wife in workplace affair

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And stay off LoveShack.



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Can you explain to OP the difference between the two sites?
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post #18 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 04:54 PM
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Re: wife in workplace affair

Since it's a workplace affair you're going to have to make a tough choice.

For the affair to stop she's going to ultimately have to quit her job (along with a boatload of other requirements) - she cannot be in daily proximity to her affair partner for successful reconciliation.

But if she quits her job and you divorce her, she won't be making any money and you'll most likely have to pay her more support than you otherwise would have.

That's down the road. For now she's in the denial stage and she may never leave it but you want to play the long game so there it is.
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post #19 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 08:32 PM
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Re: wife in workplace affair

You have already confronted your wife. This tactic has not been effective. She is managing you. I would just tell the other guy's wife. It's not fair you have to deal with this alone. Your have to bust your wifes affair.
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post #20 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 08:46 PM
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Re: wife in workplace affair

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Since it's a workplace affair you're going to have to make a tough choice.

For the affair to stop she's going to ultimately have to quit her job (along with a boatload of other requirements) - she cannot be in daily proximity to her affair partner for successful reconciliation.

But if she quits her job and you divorce her, she won't be making any money and you'll most likely have to pay her more support than you otherwise would have.

That's down the road. For now she's in the denial stage and she may never leave it but you want to play the long game so there it is.
CW,

Yup,you're going to have to make a hard choice, and it is going to have to be done quickly. So let's start by getting rid of the bull ****.You are not in a court of law and you already know she is cheating. You have all the screen shots and if you are intelligent enough to write on this forum you have to know if she has not had sex with him yet she sure will shortly.

Now none of us know how this will turn out but what we do know is this. If this has not been consummated yet physically you are going to be kicking yourself in the ass if you sit there gathering proof while she has her boyfriend over while you are at work. Will that make you feel better? You seem to know even when their next opportunity will be.

Since you already have confronted her, and since as pointed out in the above post this is a workplace situation, you better get yourself in the mode to insist on a polygraph unless she can quit her job immediately, which is what the books all recommend. But if you divorce her that will cost you so the polygraph is your only way on getting the truth since she is obviously going to be in full denial. And before the usual nonsense that polygraphs are not reliable starts, the CIA and NSA use them so you better well believe they are more reliable than your wife's words right now.

So the choice is yours. You can tell her you know she is cheating and that you can,t control her but that you are not sharing your wife and you are not staying in a marriage with here people in it. Or you can sit there and try to deal with the mind movies after you let it continue uninterrupted until you get proof by catching them in the act. Your call

Your worst enemy is denial and paralysis.
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post #21 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 06:55 AM
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Re: wife in workplace affair

Yep, go nuclear. And make sure you give her no advance warning. A simultaneous exposure to your families, and the other guys wife is in order. Exposure to their boss might not be best because if she gets fired it might hurt you in the financials of the divorce.

We have learned that guys like you (us in the past) initially want to reconcile but after time goes by you will realize she is defiled and you won't want her back. You will slowly realize she is not the wife you once loved and your former wife is extinct. Nothing left to do but divorce the cheating doppelganger.

If you are one of the rare ones and she snaps out of it and becomes truly repentant you can always stop the divorce proceedings if desired, but frankly you are better off to divorce her and then reconcile afterward if she is eligible.
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post #22 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 01:57 PM
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Re: wife in workplace affair

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I just want to tell you to lose your misguided idea that you were somehow not being ethical to look into your wife's phone while she is involved with another man.
Classic nice guy dichotomy:

1) OP feels tremendous guilt about reading some text messages on his wife's phone.

2) Cheating spouse feels ZERO guilt getting plowed repeatedly by some Chad at work.

Never ceases to amaze me......

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #23 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 04:52 PM
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Re: wife in workplace affair

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Originally Posted by BetrayedDad View Post
Classic nice guy dichotomy:

1) OP feels tremendous guilt about reading some text messages on his wife's phone.

2) Cheating spouse feels ZERO guilt getting plowed repeatedly by some Chad at work.

Never ceases to amaze me......
I think that another factor involved is that the OP is going through a lot of emotional pain and anxiety. I recall that I also lost any critical thinking skills when I going through a high level of emotional pain and anxiety. The OP's situation is worse than mine was.
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post #24 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 04:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: wife in workplace affair

Wow guys
what amazing advice and thank you all again. Strangely enough I am seeing a lawyer a week next Tuesday (the earliest I could get) so I can certainly get that side of the "strategy" nailed. Just a couple of caveats to what I posted previously (and would not affect the advice offered already). I don't suspect that "she knows that I know" as in our second "conversation" earlier this year she pretty much thought she had convinced me that she had herself nipped it in the bud at an early stage (and her explanation seemed so plausible at the time) and even the next week said we had moved on from all that (and not so much as a sideways/cross-eyed look ever since; haven't women ever heard of "male intuition", or put simply "if it looks like a pig...."). Having been together 26 years (married 20 this August, ironically) we think we can read each other (hahaha).

When I said "I was depressed" in the original posting I was in fact referring to myself (and not my W). She knew I had been that way for a few years (no job, current job way below my capabilities) and that I had never neglected her in any way (even though I had a couple of cancer scares last Fall, absolutely charming that was not taken into consideration, eh?).

Regarding the lawyer, we may need to proceed slightly differently as, here in the UK, a lot of laws are completely different. For example, it would appear to be the case that some Family Court judges take a very dim view of the interception of emails/texts and may even deem it illegal so I have to be careful (another reason for not divulging my source of evidence to her). I will also be interested to see what he says about PIs as again things are different over here, so much so I would never Google to find one locally, would much rather use recommendations. That is the sort of evidence I would rather bring to the table.

Must admit the whole thing is rather sad, but I am presuming that any advice proffered so far by you guys applies the same whether or not I want a divorce (hopefully the threat should be enough on its own after serving). I will stay strong!

Thank you all again
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post #25 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 08:55 PM
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Re: wife in workplace affair

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That is the sort of evidence I would rather bring to the table.
Although it's nice to bring irrefutable evidence "to the table" don't let yourself get too hung up on having to have it. All you really need is to be able to say to her that you are certain you feel justified in divorce. If she presses for details you only need to say "I dismiss your need for evidence the same way you dismissed my need for a faithful spouse."

Next, drive hard for a divorce with confidence and determination. This has two benefits: it might be the only thing that will rock her hard enough to encourage a true reconciliation. Second, if you later decide you really want to rid yourself of her it enables you to emerge with as much dignity as you can salvage, which in turn helps you to heal and get on with your life.

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post #26 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:17 PM
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Re: wife in workplace affair

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Originally Posted by ChrissyWissy View Post
Wow guys
what amazing advice and thank you all again. Strangely enough I am seeing a lawyer a week next Tuesday (the earliest I could get) so I can certainly get that side of the "strategy" nailed. Just a couple of caveats to what I posted previously (and would not affect the advice offered already). I don't suspect that "she knows that I know" as in our second "conversation" earlier this year she pretty much thought she had convinced me that she had herself nipped it in the bud at an early stage (and her explanation seemed so plausible at the time) and even the next week said we had moved on from all that (and not so much as a sideways/cross-eyed look ever since; haven't women ever heard of "male intuition", or put simply "if it looks like a pig...."). Having been together 26 years (married 20 this August, ironically) we think we can read each other (hahaha).

When I said "I was depressed" in the original posting I was in fact referring to myself (and not my W). She knew I had been that way for a few years (no job, current job way below my capabilities) and that I had never neglected her in any way (even though I had a couple of cancer scares last Fall, absolutely charming that was not taken into consideration, eh?).

Regarding the lawyer, we may need to proceed slightly differently as, here in the UK, a lot of laws are completely different. For example, it would appear to be the case that some Family Court judges take a very dim view of the interception of emails/texts and may even deem it illegal so I have to be careful (another reason for not divulging my source of evidence to her). I will also be interested to see what he says about PIs as again things are different over here, so much so I would never Google to find one locally, would much rather use recommendations. That is the sort of evidence I would rather bring to the table.

Must admit the whole thing is rather sad, but I am presuming that any advice proffered so far by you guys applies the same whether or not I want a divorce (hopefully the threat should be enough on its own after serving). I will stay strong!

Thank you all again
This exact reply was posted on the SI site also today. Is it normal for a poster to keep identical threads on 2 different sites at the same time?
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post #27 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 12:46 PM
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Re: wife in workplace affair

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This exact reply was posted on the SI site also today. Is it normal for a poster to keep identical threads on 2 different sites at the same time?
Some people post their situation on more than one site. It's a way to get more input.
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post #28 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 01:14 PM
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Re: wife in workplace affair

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CW,

Yup,you're going to have to make a hard choice, and it is going to have to be done quickly. So let's start by getting rid of the bull ****.You are not in a court of law and you already know she is cheating. You have all the screen shots and if you are intelligent enough to write on this forum you have to know if she has not had sex with him yet she sure will shortly.

Now none of us know how this will turn out but what we do know is this. If this has not been consummated yet physically you are going to be kicking yourself in the ass if you sit there gathering proof while she has her boyfriend over while you are at work. Will that make you feel better? You seem to know even when their next opportunity will be.

Since you already have confronted her, and since as pointed out in the above post this is a workplace situation, you better get yourself in the mode to insist on a polygraph unless she can quit her job immediately, which is what the books all recommend. But if you divorce her that will cost you so the polygraph is your only way on getting the truth since she is obviously going to be in full denial. And before the usual nonsense that polygraphs are not reliable starts, the CIA and NSA use them so you better well believe they are more reliable than your wife's words right now.

So the choice is yours. You can tell her you know she is cheating and that you can,t control her but that you are not sharing your wife and you are not staying in a marriage with here people in it. Or you can sit there and try to deal with the mind movies after you let it continue uninterrupted until you get proof by catching them in the act. Your call

Your worst enemy is denial and paralysis.
QFT

What do you want to happen? Are you hell bent on divorce? Not sure?

If your answer is anything but hell bent on divorce, then you need to act.

Expose Expose Expose

Starting with OM's wife.
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post #29 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 03:52 PM
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Re: wife in workplace affair

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Originally Posted by ButtPunch View Post
QFT

What do you want to happen? Are you hell bent on divorce? Not sure?

If your answer is anything but hell bent on divorce, then you need to act.

Expose Expose Expose

Starting with OM's wife.
I agree that the OP has to know what he wants. In the end SHE will have to make the choice. Thus the choice of tactics should be made to push her in the direction he wants her to chose.

The ultimate push is filing for divorce. That puts the choice right out there.

However, some caveats: if he widely exposes that will make reconciliation more difficult because he will have made her life more difficult. It is a choice to be saved when other things fail. I do however think that exposure to the OM's wife might be a good idea. Just understand that the OM will know what he did very quickly and so his wife will also know what he did very quickly. On the whole that might be a good thing.

If he has a good friend who is calm and trustable, it might be a good thing to tell him what is going on. That way he will have someone to talk to for advice. Why? Because his ability to judge the effect of some action you might make is currently compromised.

OP, I'm sorry you are in this situation and hope that it works out the way you want.
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post #30 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 04:09 PM
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Re: wife in workplace affair

All the electronic stuff does is get you ahead of the cheater to catch it by conventional means. A PI following around for a week is MUCH more expensive than a PI all set up at place X at 9PM on a Saturday night.

IIRC in UK cheating only grants a faster divorce.
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