Hi all, a brief summary of my situation. I would just like some simple pointers as to what my ultimate move should be (am prepared to play the long game if necessary). Some of this info has been accessed from cell phone texts (not exactly ethical I know but my therapist was OK about this, saying it is the lesser of two evils):
(a) OM confides in my wife about his "unhappy" marriage, tells her he fancies her, she is shocked and then flattered
(b) she engineers it so that I drop her off at her work Christmas party, the obvious then happens
(c) obsessive phone behaviour over Christmas and New Year so I look at Whatsapp, long amorous conversation found
(d) I confront, she downplays, said she's helping him sort his marriage (she does not know I saw Whatsapp conversation, in fact to this day she has no idea what I know), she would never leave me (hmm), apparently workplace relationships never work, she says she has not been to his house
(e) second confrontation a week later, apparently OM is told that I have to be the priority, she justifies hookup by saying "I was depressed at the time" (true, but no excuse of course)
(f) affair has snowballed (limited opportunities, e.g. lunchtime walks, fumbling plus worse in disused work rooms)
(g ) is now physical by definition but apparently not full sex (yet)
(h) would appear OM has no plans (yet) to leave his wife
(i) do I confront again now (presenting of text evidence may seriously backfire with her, also some family court judges may take a dim view of this and deem it illegal) or wait for implosion/affair discovery by others (I can forgive in principle, we have a 7 year old daughter to consider)
thank you in advance
Make sure you have screen shots of all of the texts, whatsapp messages and whatever else. Anytime she comes out without you document it, time left and time home. Ask questions about "how her time out was", pay close attention to details and document, and then have the same conversation a few days later and compare the details. Hide a VAR in her car somewhere she'd never have a chance of finding it, in some cars you they will fit in the headliner above the drivers seat without being seen. Make sure the VAR is downloadable, some aren't.
Once all that is set, research the OM, his home address, Facebook, any activities he's involved in, and his wife. Then do the same research on the wife. Collect all contact info, phone numbers, social media accounts, emails, whatever, for him, his wife, and any organizations he's part of.
Collect all your evidence, and make sure it's solid evidence, somethingthat neither have a chance to deny. When you have everything you need, then confront her but don't tell her what you have. If she lies about or denies anything you know as fact, email all your evidence to the OM's wife, organizations he's part of, post it on their Facebook accounts....drop the bomb. But again, don't tell your wife you're doing it, just do it.
And remember, if her cell phone is on your account, and it's your name on the bill, it's your phone and your wife and it's not illegal to look through it, unethical yes, but not illegal. The same goes for the car, if it's under your name you can put a VAR in it, gps on it, whatever and it's perfectly legal.