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post #1 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 02:00 PM Thread Starter
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wife in workplace affair

Hi all, a brief summary of my situation. I would just like some simple pointers as to what my ultimate move should be (am prepared to play the long game if necessary). Some of this info has been accessed from cell phone texts (not exactly ethical I know but my therapist was OK about this, saying it is the lesser of two evils):
(a) OM confides in my wife about his "unhappy" marriage, tells her he fancies her, she is shocked and then flattered
(b) she engineers it so that I drop her off at her work Christmas party, the obvious then happens
(c) obsessive phone behaviour over Christmas and New Year so I look at Whatsapp, long amorous conversation found
(d) I confront, she downplays, said she's helping him sort his marriage (she does not know I saw Whatsapp conversation, in fact to this day she has no idea what I know), she would never leave me (hmm), apparently workplace relationships never work, she says she has not been to his house
(e) second confrontation a week later, apparently OM is told that I have to be the priority, she justifies hookup by saying "I was depressed at the time" (true, but no excuse of course)
(f) affair has snowballed (limited opportunities, e.g. lunchtime walks, fumbling plus worse in disused work rooms)
(g ) is now physical by definition but apparently not full sex (yet)
(h) would appear OM has no plans (yet) to leave his wife
(i) do I confront again now (presenting of text evidence may seriously backfire with her, also some family court judges may take a dim view of this and deem it illegal) or wait for implosion/affair discovery by others (I can forgive in principle, we have a 7 year old daughter to consider)

thank you in advance

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post #2 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 02:07 PM
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Re: wife in workplace affair

Gather your evidence first. I recommend a good P.I. who can get pics and intel. At the same time go see a lawyer and draft up a divorce petition.

Tell the lawyer to hold off serving the petition until you have the stack of evidence to put in front of her. Then when you do, have her served. At the same time she is being served, send out notice to her parents and siblings that you are divorcing her for adultery. This is what like to call "going nuclear".
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post #3 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 02:14 PM
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Re: wife in workplace affair

Also be sure to list OM on the divorce papers. Make another packet for OM's wife too. Infidelity is an invasion, an act of war, learn your enemy then leave nothing but little pieces.

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


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post #4 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 02:18 PM
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Re: wife in workplace affair

1) STOP CONFRONTING. You keep showing your hand. Gather your evidence but keep it to yourself
2) Did your wife 'consider' your daughter when she screwed another man? Make no mistake - she DID screw another man
3) It sucks huge, but your wifes ass needs to be kicked to the curb. Even if she refuses to leave, you should kick her out. That sends her the right message ie that you're not her doormat
4) DO NOT have sex with her, and get STD tested
5) See an attorney and start the D ball rolling.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #5 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 02:19 PM
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Re: wife in workplace affair

The advice depends on what your goal is.

If you want to try to save the marriage, it is vital act as if you don't. Go Nuclear as bandit recommends.

Do you just want to divorce and need the additional evidence for that purpose?

If the "full sex" point was reached while you gathered evidence, would it make a difference in what you want?
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post #6 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 02:19 PM
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Re: wife in workplace affair

The first thing that you need to do is expose the affair to your wife's boyfriend's wife. DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE THAT YOU ARE DOING THIS. Do it before confronting her. You have enough to blow it up. IF YOU TELL HER OR CONFRONT HER BEFORE DOING THIS, HER BOYFRIEND WILL KNOW WITHIN 15 MINUTES AND THERE WILL BE THE MAGICAL STORY ABOUT A CO-WORKER'S JEALOUS HUSBAND.

Expose is the Number One tool with blowing up an affair. You need to blow up the affair because your ONLY goal right now is getting out of infidelity. Once you are out if it then you can worry about things such as if you even want to reconcile. Right now, get out of infidelity. It's a form of spousal abuse,

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post #7 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 02:22 PM
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Re: wife in workplace affair

Did you just post the same question on loveshack?
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post #8 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 02:23 PM
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Re: wife in workplace affair

You don't have to tell her how you got the evidence. In fact you should never reveal your sources. The important thing is that you know.

Don't confront her again until you're satisfied with your evidence. In that regard you have two options; monitor her another week or so with the addition of a VAR and/or PI - if you want to see if you can find the smoking gun (but risk her taking it physical in the mean time) or confront now before she has that chance.

If, after you confront, you are willing to consider R; part of her consequences are that she quits her job, stops contact immediately, offers complete transparency with her communication devices, is truthful about everything, accepts exposure and demonstrates genuine remorse. All of those are non-negotiable if she wants a second chance.

And yes, she MUST quit her job unless he does first.

Sorry you're here.

Last edited by badmemory; 04-04-2017 at 02:50 PM.
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post #9 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 02:44 PM
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Re: wife in workplace affair

And stay off LoveShack.

Only through TAM will you find the true path of redemption.




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post #10 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 02:44 PM
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Re: wife in workplace affair

Are you planning on divorce? If so, you need to see what your state's divorce rules are. If you are in a no-fault state then it doesn't matter about the affair or how you know. If you are in an at-fault state then you have to plan differently.

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post #11 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 02:48 PM
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Re: wife in workplace affair

DO NOT show her any evidence just keep on collecting it and hire a PI to confirm all that you have. Meanwhile start the divorce paperwork so that it's ready to go when you confront. When you have everything you need to PROVE everything, hit her with the divorce papers, tell the OM's wife, tell her family and inform her work's HR dept. that she and the OM have been doing it at work all at the same time.

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post #12 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 03:03 PM
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Re: wife in workplace affair

Talk to a lawyer. You say the affair has snowballed? If so, it is just a matter of time before it goes to full sex if not already happened.

I would confront her now. Tell her that you know more than she thinks you know. Tell her that you can no longer trust her and you will give her one chance to avoid divorce. Since they cannot be trusted together, she may have to quit her job if she wants to stay married.

You have to tell OMs wife. I bet she knows nothing and he has been lying to your wife about his marriage.
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post #13 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 03:11 PM
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Re: wife in workplace affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChrissyWissy View Post
Some of this info has been accessed from cell phone texts (not exactly ethical I know but my therapist was OK about this, saying it is the lesser of two evils):
I'm sorry that you're here. You've already received some very good suggestions. I just want to tell you to lose your misguided idea that you were somehow not being ethical to look into your wife's phone while she is involved with another man.
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post #14 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 03:43 PM
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Re: wife in workplace affair

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChrissyWissy View Post
Hi all, a brief summary of my situation. I would just like some simple pointers as to what my ultimate move should be (am prepared to play the long game if necessary). Some of this info has been accessed from cell phone texts (not exactly ethical I know but my therapist was OK about this, saying it is the lesser of two evils):
(a) OM confides in my wife about his "unhappy" marriage, tells her he fancies her, she is shocked and then flattered
(b) she engineers it so that I drop her off at her work Christmas party, the obvious then happens
(c) obsessive phone behaviour over Christmas and New Year so I look at Whatsapp, long amorous conversation found
(d) I confront, she downplays, said she's helping him sort his marriage (she does not know I saw Whatsapp conversation, in fact to this day she has no idea what I know), she would never leave me (hmm), apparently workplace relationships never work, she says she has not been to his house
(e) second confrontation a week later, apparently OM is told that I have to be the priority, she justifies hookup by saying "I was depressed at the time" (true, but no excuse of course)
(f) affair has snowballed (limited opportunities, e.g. lunchtime walks, fumbling plus worse in disused work rooms)
(g ) is now physical by definition but apparently not full sex (yet)
(h) would appear OM has no plans (yet) to leave his wife
(i) do I confront again now (presenting of text evidence may seriously backfire with her, also some family court judges may take a dim view of this and deem it illegal) or wait for implosion/affair discovery by others (I can forgive in principle, we have a 7 year old daughter to consider)

thank you in advance
Make sure you have screen shots of all of the texts, whatsapp messages and whatever else. Anytime she comes out without you document it, time left and time home. Ask questions about "how her time out was", pay close attention to details and document, and then have the same conversation a few days later and compare the details. Hide a VAR in her car somewhere she'd never have a chance of finding it, in some cars you they will fit in the headliner above the drivers seat without being seen. Make sure the VAR is downloadable, some aren't.

Once all that is set, research the OM, his home address, Facebook, any activities he's involved in, and his wife. Then do the same research on the wife. Collect all contact info, phone numbers, social media accounts, emails, whatever, for him, his wife, and any organizations he's part of.

Collect all your evidence, and make sure it's solid evidence, somethingthat neither have a chance to deny. When you have everything you need, then confront her but don't tell her what you have. If she lies about or denies anything you know as fact, email all your evidence to the OM's wife, organizations he's part of, post it on their Facebook accounts....drop the bomb. But again, don't tell your wife you're doing it, just do it.

And remember, if her cell phone is on your account, and it's your name on the bill, it's your phone and your wife and it's not illegal to look through it, unethical yes, but not illegal. The same goes for the car, if it's under your name you can put a VAR in it, gps on it, whatever and it's perfectly legal.
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post #15 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-04-2017, 04:18 PM
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Re: wife in workplace affair

Stay quiet and continue to gather evidence. This is your chance to find out what she is really capable of. If she is capable of a full blown affair (likely already happening), wouldn't you want to know.

What if she is in full physical affair already and you confront without fully knowing, then reconcile, you will always question what really happened. This will eat at you for eternity if that happens.

When you know exactly what is happening (maybe it is only a few days or a week from now, maybe longer) then do exposure without telling her in advance.

Have your ducks in a row and be ready to walk, for real, paperwork and lawyer in hand. If you did want to reconcile, this would be the quickest and most direct way to achieve that. Please don't beg, grovel and do the pick me dance.

I fully agree with blow up the affair, but make sure you know what it really is first, otherwise you might be accepting a story that a far cry from reality.

Last edited by re16; 04-04-2017 at 04:27 PM.
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