He'll never get it - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 45Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:35 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 4,308
Re: He'll never get it

Quote:
Originally Posted by katies View Post
He has not mentioned triggering in a while. He says he tries to forget and live a happy life. He made a special point to mention that dates are not important to him. I said they are to me. I can feel my body respond as we get closer. He said the day I confessed he wouldn't even know.
How would I find out if he's subconsciously doing this though.
He has said he cares that I trigger.
I agree with the other poster I don't think it's that he doesn't understand I think the you poisoned the well and he just doesn't think the effort is worth it or worse he thinks you don't deserve it. I think lots of people who stay with people who cheated on them lose the kind of respect they once had for them. They are not going to put forth the extra effort because of it.

He has already shown that he was willing to pay you back in the most brutal fashion. You say yourself that his affairs are a direct reaction to yours. Maybe this is the same on a smaller level. You say he told you that dates are not important to him, but this might not mean he doesn't trigger, maybe it means he triggers no matter what the date is. So who cares about dates. So he is saying no matter what the date he triggers all the time tries to forget and live a happy life, and if you have a few days where you trigger then welcome to the club.

I am not saying this is a good thing but just saying it's possible that is how he feels. There used to be a thread on SI by men who had lost respect of their wives because they cheated on them. I can't find it but the gist was the idea that they had lost the reverence that a man wants to have in his wife, they are coming to terms and grieving the fact that they won't be married to a person they feel that way about. Women go through the exact same feelings. They now feel like this is the person they are stuck with, not the one that they thought they had. I think when BS come to terms with this some just decide that they are no longer going to make the extra effort.

Maybe that is where you guys are. I'm sorry if that is painful, it's hard to write and I could be totally wrong but at least there is another possibility for you to explore.

sokillme is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:48 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
katies's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 380
Re: He'll never get it

Quote:
Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
I agree with the other poster I don't think it's that he doesn't understand I think the you poisoned the well and he just doesn't think the effort is worth it or worse he thinks you don't deserve it. I think lots of people who stay with people who cheated on them lose the kind of respect they once had for them. They are not going to put forth the extra effort because of it.

He has already shown that he was willing to pay you back in the most brutal fashion. You say yourself that his affairs are a direct reaction to yours. Maybe this is the same on a smaller level. You say he told you that dates are not important to him, but this might not mean he doesn't trigger, maybe it means he triggers no matter what the date is. So who cares about dates. So he is saying no matter what the date he triggers all the time tries to forget and live a happy life, and if you have a few days where you trigger then welcome to the club.

I am not saying this is a good thing but just saying it's possible that is how he feels. There used to be a thread on SI by men who had lost respect of their wives because they cheated on them. I can't find it but the gist was the idea that they had lost the reverence that a man wants to have in his wife, they are coming to terms and grieving the fact that they won't be married to a person they feel that way about. Women go through the exact same feelings. They now feel like this is the person they are stuck with, not the one that they thought they had. I think when BS come to terms with this some just decide that they are no longer going to make the extra effort.

Maybe that is where you guys are. I'm sorry if that is painful, it's hard to write and I could be totally wrong but at least there is another possibility for you to explore.
He does most other things I have asked though. I guess if he didn't do anything else I Would think this but he seems to understand and reach out with the other things I've asked for. When he can tell I'm down and he knows I need a connection he can ask about it and do things where we connect.
It's just this job thing is a bugger for us.
katies is offline  
post #18 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:51 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
katies's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 380
Re: He'll never get it

Jessica - I'm not going to do that, although I kind of want to I won't because it goes against my value system now.
I have to WIN his respect? I'm going to act with integrity and how he feels about my actions is his deal.
katies is offline  
 
post #19 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:53 AM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 829
Re: He'll never get it

Quote:
Originally Posted by katies View Post
Jessica - I'm not going to do that, although I kind of want to I won't because it goes against my value system now.
I have to WIN his respect? I'm going to act with integrity and how he feels about my actions is his deal.
No, you don't have to win it...my point is that he is disrespecting you by not being fully transparent with you.
Jessica38 is offline  
post #20 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:16 AM
Member
 
stixx's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 261
Re: He'll never get it

Quote:
Originally Posted by katies View Post
I missed an eBay auction for a pair of shoes because we were having this discussion. I was outbid. He said it was his fault I lost the shoes.
Use Auction Sniper. You enter your maximum bid and it automatically bids for you at the last possible moment up to the maximum specified bid.

Auction Sniper: eBay Sniper and eBay Bidding snipe, bid sniping for eBay

Oh, and divorce your husband.

Your life won't get better until you do. He just doesn't care.
stixx is offline  
post #21 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:21 AM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 829
Re: He'll never get it

Quote:
Originally Posted by stixx View Post
Oh, and divorce your husband.

Your life won't get better until you do. He just doesn't care.


Before you have kids. He's got passive-aggressive tendencies and those tend to worsen over time. Has your MC addressed this with him?
Jessica38 is offline  
post #22 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:30 AM
Forum Supporter
 
Satya's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,774
Re: He'll never get it

@katies, please forgive and correct me if I'm wrong here, but you're simultaneously upset with your husband and defending him whilst posters are telling you that he's doing disrespectful things to hurt you on purpose. I think he is, too, and I think his "reactionary" response to your affair doesn't magically make his behavior excusable. I understand there is history and circumstances here, but if he seriously wanted to heal the relationship, he'd be helping you, not passively hindering.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
Satya is offline  
post #23 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:44 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
katies's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 380
Re: He'll never get it

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post


Before you have kids. He's got passive-aggressive tendencies and those tend to worsen over time. Has your MC addressed this with him?
oh well, we've been married 30 years and have 4 grown children.
katies is offline  
post #24 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:47 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
katies's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 380
Re: He'll never get it

Quote:
Originally Posted by Satya View Post
@katies, please forgive and correct me if I'm wrong here, but you're simultaneously upset with your husband and defending him whilst posters are telling you that he's doing disrespectful things to hurt you on purpose. I think he is, too, and I think his "reactionary" response to your affair doesn't magically make his behavior excusable. I understand there is history and circumstances here, but if he seriously wanted to heal the relationship, he'd be helping you, not passively hindering.
well that's just it. He helps me MOST of the time. And I'm not sure he is doing these things to hurt me on purpose, he just doesn't understand why it's a big deal.
katies is offline  
post #25 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:47 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 306
Re: He'll never get it

I think some people are dense and self absorb. If it's not important to them then it's of no consequence even if they are in a committed relationship. Just like some people are able to tell you the date of their first kiss, date, or anniversary and others these dates aren't important enough to remember. I think your husband wants to forget about the affair so he doesn't want to give it much thought but he isn't sensitive to how those dates will always be permanently stamped on your heart of heart. You need to convey to him how this changed you and him wanting to forget about it doesn't change the fact that it's an ugly reminder that was caused by his actions only and he needs to be sensitive that this anniversary is a trigger for you and will be for the rest of your life and part of him honoring you is to acknowledging that he's responsible.

Sent from my SM-N910T using Tapatalk


[B]FEAR=False Expectation About Reality -I will not live out of fear and any challenges I may face in my life is just an opportunity to learn about the person I'm choosing to become.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
maritalloneliness is offline  
post #26 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:51 AM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 829
Re: He'll never get it

Quote:
Originally Posted by katies View Post
oh well, we've been married 30 years and have 4 grown children.
Ah, got it. Then you already know what you're dealing with and have decided to accept it?
Jessica38 is offline  
post #27 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:58 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
katies's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 380
Re: He'll never get it

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
Ah, got it. Then you already know what you're dealing with and have decided to accept it?
He hasn't been a PA person our entire married life.
katies is offline  
post #28 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:59 AM
Member
 
stixx's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 261
Re: He'll never get it

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
Ah, got it. Then you already know what you're dealing with and have decided to accept it?
Her husband has cheated on her with at least 2 other women (that she knows about).

He's unremorseful, uncaring, just wants to sweep it all under the rug and move on like nothings happened. He's uncaring, insensitive, selfish, and will not accept responsibility for his actions.

Yet here she is still begging him to get into marriage counseling and fix everything.

I don't think she's accepted it, she's got herself half convinced that things are going to get better.

As if there's a chance in Hell of that ever happening.
stixx is offline  
post #29 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 12:05 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
katies's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 380
Re: He'll never get it

Quote:
Originally Posted by stixx View Post
Her husband has cheated on her with at least 2 other women (that she knows about).

He's unremorseful, uncaring, just wants to sweep it all under the rug and move on like nothings happened. He's uncaring, insensitive, selfish, and will not accept responsibility for his actions.

Yet here she is still begging him to get into marriage counseling and fix everything.

I don't think she's accepted it, she's got herself half convinced that things are going to get better.

As if there's a chance in Hell of that ever happening.
This is not true. He is remorseful and caring, just not about these kinds of things.
I'm begging him to get into marriage counseling? Um, where did I say that?
Things are gradually getting better but we occasionally run into road blocks like what happened last night.
katies is offline  
post #30 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 12:09 PM
Member
 
stixx's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 261
Re: He'll never get it

Quote:
Originally Posted by katies View Post
This is not true. He is remorseful and caring, just not about these kinds of things.
I'm begging him to get into marriage counseling? Um, where did I say that?
Things are gradually getting better but we occasionally run into road blocks like what happened last night.
He cannot pick and choose what he wants to be remorseful and caring about.

Because if he does- it's just an act, he's not being sincere.

Ok sorry my mistake, you didn't write that you're begging him to go to MC.

If you left it up to him whether or not to go to MC, what would he do?
stixx is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Elderly MIL from hell... peacem The Family & Parenting Forums 21 03-29-2017 11:46 AM
Why the hell was my account banned for being a troll ? swallow555 Technical Difficulties? 21 08-12-2016 07:27 PM
What the hell were they THINKING? Hope1964 Politics and Religion 26 07-28-2016 02:03 PM
How do you feel about the concept of hell and people suffering for all eternity? Quadronos The Social Spot 64 05-14-2016 07:03 AM
What the hell should I do? xxrockmexx92 General Relationship Discussion 37 03-12-2016 07:39 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome