He'll never get it - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 45Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #31 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 12:12 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 531
Re: He'll never get it

Quote:
Originally Posted by katies View Post
He hasn't been a PA person our entire married life.
Has your MC addressed this issue? If I were you, I'd start there, otherwise you'll be spinning your wheels about his lack of care and concern for making you feel safe in your marriage.

Jessica38 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #32 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 12:14 PM
Member
 
Relationship Teacher's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 685
Re: He'll never get it

Quote:
Originally Posted by katies View Post
So last year hubby went to a business event where he met OW2 and it was such a trigger for me we had to go to MC to straighten it out. I said I just wanted a heads up, or to talk about it. He seemed clear on that.
I knew it was coming up last night, he never said anything so I assumed he was not going. He met a friend and I out at 6:30 and she asked (she's a business person too) if he went and he said he stopped by for a few minutes. He told me who he talked to, for how long and I believe him.
But I was FURIOUS when we got home because we were supposed to talk about it beforehand.
He didn't remember. He said it was just another event for him. I said I've had to take sleeping pills for 4 nights because it triggers me so much. He said he doesn't remember dates and why didn't I bring it up myself...?

We have been doing really well lately. But he simply wants to go about as if nothing ever happened and I would like him to take care of me in a special way during these trigger days.
He said do you want to know my entire calendar every single day? And he started to tell me what he had planned for the month.
I said no - but could you keep about 3 days a year in mind that will be triggery for me?

I do not know what to do. We are so so different. I cannot believe we spent an entire session on MC over this and he just didn't do anything. And he didn't apologize for it because he didn't feel he did anything wrong. He was just doing his job.
I said here's what I wanted to hear: "you know the business thing is coming up and I'd like to stop by for a few minutes." BEFORE it actually happened. That is ALL I need.

What did he apologize for? I missed an eBay auction for a pair of shoes because we were having this discussion. I was outbid. He said it was his fault I lost the shoes.
Seriously, THIS is what he apologizes for?

I feel we should always be taking care of each other by considering the other's feelings. He feels we should march on as if nothing happened. He can't believe it's been 5 years and I still bring things like this up.

I feel like I want to spend a lot of money. That's the only thing that gets through to him.
My guess is that he never volunteered what he would do to protect this marital boundary. It is "your" thing, so he doesn't have natural energy to fulfill it. I am not saying he can't or won't be able to. The goal for you is to elicit within him understanding and then naturally create a solution to adequately protect you and the relationship.

Thoughts?
Relationship Teacher is offline  
post #33 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 12:18 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
katies's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 338
Re: He'll never get it

[QUOTE=stixx;17656353

If you left it up to him whether or not to go to MC, what would he do?[/QUOTE]

He would go if I wanted to go. I don't want to go. If we spent an entire hour on this a year ago and he couldn't remember what came of it then it would be a waste of time.
katies is offline  
 
post #34 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 12:21 PM
Member
 
stixx's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 261
Re: He'll never get it

Quote:
Originally Posted by katies View Post
He would go if I wanted to go. I don't want to go. If we spent an entire hour on this a year ago and he couldn't remember what came of it then it would be a waste of time.
I'm thinking the problems you have require more than one hour of marriage counseling per year.
stixx is offline  
post #35 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 12:36 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
katies's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 338
Re: He'll never get it

We were dismissed from MC about 2 years ago, after three years of it.
I don't think the problems we have can be solved by MC. What would more MC do for us?
katies is offline  
post #36 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 12:38 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
katies's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 338
Re: He'll never get it

Quote:
Originally Posted by Relationship Teacher View Post
My guess is that he never volunteered what he would do to protect this marital boundary. It is "your" thing, so he doesn't have natural energy to fulfill it. I am not saying he can't or won't be able to. The goal for you is to elicit within him understanding and then naturally create a solution to adequately protect you and the relationship.

Thoughts?
I thought I did that by talking about this exact issue and event at MC a year ago. I thought we had come up with a very reasonable solution.
katies is offline  
post #37 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 12:50 PM
Member
 
*Deidre*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 3,151
Re: He'll never get it

Didn’t your husband ‘’friend’’ on Facebook recently, a woman who he is friends with her husband, at the gym? And she is in her late 20’s? You’d think after two rounds of infidelity, that he’d finally get it. But, it seems like he just doesn’t care, rather than he is unaware of your feelings.

''Sometimes, you fall in love with the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected time.'' - Unknown
*Deidre* is offline  
post #38 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 12:55 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
katies's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 338
Re: He'll never get it

Quote:
Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
Didn’t your husband ‘’friend’’ on Facebook recently, a woman who he is friends with her husband, at the gym? And she is in her late 20’s? You’d think after two rounds of infidelity, that he’d finally get it. But, it seems like he just doesn’t care, rather than he is unaware of your feelings.
this is true.
katies is offline  
post #39 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 12:56 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 531
Re: He'll never get it

Quote:
Originally Posted by katies View Post
We were dismissed from MC about 2 years ago, after three years of it.
I don't think the problems we have can be solved by MC. What would more MC do for us?
MC could help your husband learn how his passive-aggressive behavior is hurting you and your marriage.
Jessica38 is offline  
post #40 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 01:09 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
katies's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 338
Re: He'll never get it

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
MC could help your husband learn how his passive-aggressive behavior is hurting you and your marriage.
He would not see it as PA behavior. He would see it as moving on with life.

katies is offline  
post #41 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 01:14 PM
Member
 
stixx's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 261
Re: He'll never get it

Quote:
Originally Posted by katies View Post
We were dismissed from MC about 2 years ago, after three years of it.
I don't think the problems we have can be solved by MC. What would more MC do for us?
It's like an experimental, untested drug for fatal brain cancer when there's other available treatment.
stixx is offline  
post #42 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 01:15 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 531
Re: He'll never get it

Quote:
Originally Posted by katies View Post
He would not see it as PA behavior. He would see it as moving on with life.
If he were single, that would not warrant counseling if it works for him. The question is: Does that work for you and your marriage? If not, he needs to consider your needs and feelings. Don't you agree? If not, let me know and I'll stop posting here as I can't be helpful to you.
Jessica38 is offline  
post #43 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 01:26 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
katies's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 338
Re: He'll never get it

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
If he were single, that would not warrant counseling if it works for him. The question is: Does that work for you and your marriage? If not, he needs to consider your needs and feelings. Don't you agree? If not, let me know and I'll stop posting here as I can't be helpful to you.
The ENTIRE issue is that because it doesn't make sense in his head, he can't see how I have concerns or hurt feelings or think it's unacceptable or whatever. Me simply saying "that hurts" should be enough.

I'll give another example - I wanted him to sell the affair car that OW2 was in. They made out in it, I heard it on the VAR and would not step foot in it. I even said it couldnt' be parked on our property so he parked it in the street for 5 months and one day - and we have a 3 car garage. But because he couldn't decide what kind of car he wanted to get and because he wanted to get a good deal, it took him that long to sell it and get another. He trudged out there in the snow and rain and had to scrape and he could't understand why I wanted it gone. He COULD NOT wrap his head around it. He wasn't being PA, he really just didn't get it.
katies is offline  
post #44 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 01:27 PM
Forum Supporter
 
blueinbr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 6,315
Re: He'll never get it

Did you previously post under a different name?
blueinbr is offline  
post #45 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 01:33 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
katies's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 338
Re: He'll never get it

Quote:
Originally Posted by blueinbr View Post
Did you previously post under a different name?
yes.
I think it was stephscarlett.
I had to change when the website changed privacy settings or something like that.
katies is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Elderly MIL from hell... peacem The Family & Parenting Forums 21 03-29-2017 11:46 AM
Why the hell was my account banned for being a troll ? swallow555 Technical Difficulties? 21 08-12-2016 07:27 PM
What the hell were they THINKING? Hope1964 Politics and Religion 26 07-28-2016 02:03 PM
How do you feel about the concept of hell and people suffering for all eternity? Quadronos The Social Spot 64 05-14-2016 07:03 AM
What the hell should I do? xxrockmexx92 General Relationship Discussion 37 03-12-2016 07:39 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome