He'll never get it - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #46 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 01:42 PM
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Re: He'll never get it

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I thought I did that by talking about this exact issue and event at MC a year ago. I thought we had come up with a very reasonable solution.
From what you've said, don't detect that he has ownership in it. How did "we" come up with the solution in MC?



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post #47 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 01:52 PM
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Re: He'll never get it

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yes.

I think it was stephscarlett.

I had to change when the website changed privacy settings or something like that.


Thanks. That's what I remember. The yoga pants thread.

Your H is not stupid. He knows what you want.
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post #48 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 01:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: He'll never get it

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From what you've said, don't detect that he has ownership in it. How did "we" come up with the solution in MC?
I think MC made the suggestion that we talk about it beforehand and we both agreed.
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post #49 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 01:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: He'll never get it

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Your H is not stupid. He knows what you want.
So what do I do? Leave or continue to bang my head against the wall? To be clear, it's gotten better as time has gone by. He was totally clueless at the beginning.
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post #50 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 02:17 PM
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Re: He'll never get it

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So what do I do? Leave or continue to bang my head against the wall? To be clear, it's gotten better as time has gone by. He was totally clueless at the beginning.
I forget, how long were you married before you cheated? How long before he cheated back? How long ago was that? Personally I think there is a possibility he is still hurt and angry. I don't think he is going to tell you because he probably thinks nothing is going to change that. He is probably just giving you the most he is willing to. He may know that his cheating is wrong and won't do that again but maybe that is really as far as he is going to go.

I am not saying this is right, he is wrong but I think this is what happens when the adoration that you once had for your spouse is destroyed. I think it is very hard not to be disheartened and cynical at least it would be for me. In your mind you have taken on some of the responsibility for his cheating as you did on this thread, whether that is right or not people can debate, but I wonder if in his mind he feels let down. Not just by you but by the situation.

I don't know how you fix it though. Marriage is hard enough without 3 instances of infidelity in it. Maybe in these instances you will just have to suffer if you want to stay married.
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post #51 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 02:19 PM
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Re: He'll never get it

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This is not true. He is remorseful and caring, just not about these kinds of things.
I'm begging him to get into marriage counseling? Um, where did I say that?
Things are gradually getting better but we occasionally run into road blocks like what happened last night.
I'm in a similar position, I never cheated, but he has and I found out a few weeks ago. He is remorseful and wants us to get MC. I have good days and bad. Some of the triggers can be really silly, like I was tidying up our shoe rack and I start thinking...... I wonder if you wore those shoes, or ironing i will think, did you wear this top. It just feels awful. I'm going to try hard to keep this marriage together and I believe he wants it too.
I just wanted to say, I'm with you on painful trigger points.
Maybe write him a letter on how you feel. Maybe the initial confrontation backs him into a corner where he's not able to instantly soothe your pain, and seeing your pain might possibly remind him of his, so it's best avoided. I don't know, but a letter might help him process. Just a thought.
Well done for giving your marriage ago and if sadly down the line there is no resolve at least you can say you tried. If you guys can get through this, I hope you both become stronger and please share. I'm at the beginning of infidelity pain and need all the encouragement going. Xxx
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post #52 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 02:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: He'll never get it

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I forget, how long were you married before you cheated? 24 years How long before he cheated back? 1.5 years later How long ago was that? 5 years ago Personally I think there is a possibility he is still hurt and angry. I don't think he is going to tell you because he probably thinks nothing is going to change that. He is probably just giving you the most he is willing to. He may know that his cheating is wrong and won't do that again but maybe that is really as far as he is going to go. kind of agree here

I am not saying this is right, he is wrong but I think this is what happens when the adoration that you once had for your spouse is destroyed. I think it is very hard not to be disheartened and cynical at least it would be for me. In your mind you have taken on some of the responsibility for his cheating as you did on this thread, whether that is right or not people can debate, but I wonder if in his mind he feels let down. Not just by you but by the situation.

I don't know how you fix it though. Marriage is hard enough without 3 instances of infidelity in it. Maybe in these instances you will just have to suffer if you want to stay married.
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post #53 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 02:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: He'll never get it

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Maybe write him a letter on how you feel. Xxx
this is a good idea.

I'm so sorry you're hurting! You should start a thread!
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post #54 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 03:24 PM
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Re: He'll never get it

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Didn’t your husband ‘’friend’’ on Facebook recently, a woman who he is friends with her husband, at the gym? And she is in her late 20’s? You’d think after two rounds of infidelity, that he’d finally get it. But, it seems like he just doesn’t care, rather than he is unaware of your feelings.
This ^^^ in bold x 100

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So what do I do? Leave or continue to bang my head against the wall? To be clear, it's gotten better as time has gone by. He was totally clueless at the beginning.
Katie, with all due respect I think that it is YOU that will never get it. As the others have said, this is not a matter of you not communicating effectively. It is more about him not accepting or believing the message. He does not want to make the effort, either because he doesn't care or doesn't agree with you that it is a problem. He knows it a problem for YOU. It is just not a problem for HIM.

You are banging your head expecting a different outcome, thinking that it is something YOU can do to change the outcome. A few other veteran posters here have same issue with their H's. They and you think you can somehow just get them to see the light and all will be well. C'mon, K, you are smart. You keep thinking that your H thinks or cares like you do. He does NOT.

IMO, he just has no desire or motivation to do it. If he wanted to get into some hot thing's pants, he surely would be listening and do what it took to get there.

I don't believe he was clueless at the beginning. Just unwilling.

As for the car, he heard you. But he was reluctant to follow through. A power struggle. He followed the letter of your request, but not the spirit. Parking it on the street? WTF? The amount of money difference between selling it then or now was insignificant to your household. He did the bare minimum. This whole excuse was just an excuse, not a valid explanation.

You don't bang your head against the wall. You set boundaries and consequences for his actions. But he already knows there would not be any real consequences. You had ONE affair. He didn't leave. He had two to even the score. You didn't leave. He knows nothing will happen with him seeing OW1, 2 or 3 at a work related event. Him telling you ahead of time reduces his power in the marriage. His job is a position of power. That is his currency.
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post #55 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 04:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: He'll never get it

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This ^^^ in bold x 100



Katie, with all due respect I think that it is YOU that will never get it. As the others have said, this is not a matter of you not communicating effectively. It is more about him not accepting or believing the message. He does not want to make the effort, either because he doesn't care or doesn't agree with you that it is a problem. He knows it a problem for YOU. It is just not a problem for HIM.

You are banging your head expecting a different outcome, thinking that it is something YOU can do to change the outcome. A few other veteran posters here have same issue with their H's. They and you think you can somehow just get them to see the light and all will be well. C'mon, K, you are smart. You keep thinking that your H thinks or cares like you do. He does NOT.

IMO, he just has no desire or motivation to do it. If he wanted to get into some hot thing's pants, he surely would be listening and do what it took to get there.

I don't believe he was clueless at the beginning. Just unwilling.

As for the car, he heard you. But he was reluctant to follow through. A power struggle. He followed the letter of your request, but not the spirit. Parking it on the street? WTF? The amount of money difference between selling it then or now was insignificant to your household. He did the bare minimum. This whole excuse was just an excuse, not a valid explanation.

You don't bang your head against the wall. You set boundaries and consequences for his actions. But he already knows there would not be any real consequences. You had ONE affair. He didn't leave. He had two to even the score. You didn't leave. He knows nothing will happen with him seeing OW1, 2 or 3 at a work related event. Him telling you ahead of time reduces his power in the marriage. His job is a position of power. That is his currency.
oh, I think I understand. That is why I said MC is useless. I accept and stay or leave.

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post #56 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 04:17 PM
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Re: He'll never get it

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oh, I think I understand. That is why I said MC is useless. I accept and stay or leave.
I got to be honest if my wife cheated on me after 24 years of marriage I wouldn't care ether. That's why I wouldn't R. This is probably pretty much par for the course after damage like that is done. I mean he has already done far worse. Not excusing him what I am saying is it's like a expensive vase that is broken over and over and then glued together. It ain't gonna be the priceless object it once was. I know many people on here and other sites like to push this idea about how the marriage can even be better. But really most aren't they are just the same marriage they were before with a bunch of awful crap and long lasting pain thrown in. I don't think expecting better or even the same is realistic. The person you are married to is not the same. I think your husband has accepted this. Maybe it's time to change your expectations if you are going to stay married. I also think it's time to change them if you are going to be happy.

Triggers and pain from these episodes are going to be a part of your marriage for as long as you still love him. Like they say you never get over the affair you just learn to live with it.

May I ask why are you staying married?
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post #57 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 05:57 PM
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Re: He'll never get it

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I think MC made the suggestion that we talk about it beforehand and we both agreed.
That is what I anticipated you telling me. This is a boundary violation of his activity. It is his job to come up with his own plan to navigate the boundary with you on board. "Agreeing" to it might have been desired in the moment to have you back down from your complaint/appease you (possibly other explanations).

Do you have established boundaries that are relatively black and white?

Does it make sense that he needs to create his own plan?

Thoughts?


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post #58 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 07:03 PM
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Re: He'll never get it

"He"ll never get it". You nailed it right there. If you can live with it, that's all that matters. If you don't want to, that's a tough change to make. But possible


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