He'll never get it - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 08:14 AM Thread Starter
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He'll never get it

So last year hubby went to a business event where he met OW2 and it was such a trigger for me we had to go to MC to straighten it out. I said I just wanted a heads up, or to talk about it. He seemed clear on that.
I knew it was coming up last night, he never said anything so I assumed he was not going. He met a friend and I out at 6:30 and she asked (she's a business person too) if he went and he said he stopped by for a few minutes. He told me who he talked to, for how long and I believe him.
But I was FURIOUS when we got home because we were supposed to talk about it beforehand.
He didn't remember. He said it was just another event for him. I said I've had to take sleeping pills for 4 nights because it triggers me so much. He said he doesn't remember dates and why didn't I bring it up myself...?

We have been doing really well lately. But he simply wants to go about as if nothing ever happened and I would like him to take care of me in a special way during these trigger days.
He said do you want to know my entire calendar every single day? And he started to tell me what he had planned for the month.
I said no - but could you keep about 3 days a year in mind that will be triggery for me?

I do not know what to do. We are so so different. I cannot believe we spent an entire session on MC over this and he just didn't do anything. And he didn't apologize for it because he didn't feel he did anything wrong. He was just doing his job.
I said here's what I wanted to hear: "you know the business thing is coming up and I'd like to stop by for a few minutes." BEFORE it actually happened. That is ALL I need.

What did he apologize for? I missed an eBay auction for a pair of shoes because we were having this discussion. I was outbid. He said it was his fault I lost the shoes.
Seriously, THIS is what he apologizes for?

I feel we should always be taking care of each other by considering the other's feelings. He feels we should march on as if nothing happened. He can't believe it's been 5 years and I still bring things like this up.

I feel like I want to spend a lot of money. That's the only thing that gets through to him.

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post #2 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 08:22 AM
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Re: He'll never get it

He heard you. He just doesn't care to do what you ask. It's that simple. And that sad.
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post #3 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:25 AM
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Re: He'll never get it

Marriage counseling is, by and large, very focused on helping the couple to communicate effectively. The assumption, of course, is that the problems they're having are because they are not really understanding one another, and that once they do, things will be better. See, there's a built-in expectation that the problem is that your partner doesn't understand, and that if he or she did, they would stop doing things that they now understand hurt you and start meeting your needs. So you're left with the idea that if only you could figure out how to communicate what you want more clearly, make your partner understand, help them to 'get it', the relationship would improve.

But the harsh reality is that, sometimes, the problem is not that a partner doesn't understand. They do understand. They just don't want to do whatever it is that you need.

OP, it sounds like you may be doing what I did for far too long: Spinning your wheels, tying yourself into knots, and driving yourself a little bonkers trying to fix how you're communicating so that he'll understand what you are trying to tell him and will then automatically start to meet your needs and stop doing things that hurt you. What was really tough for me to fully process and accept, was that my husband did get it. He just didn't care to do anything about it. You need to take honest stock of the situation and your marital dynamic and figure out if your husband really doesn't know what you need, or if he just doesn't care to do what you need. The two are very different problems.

You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view. - Obi Wan Kenobi
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post #4 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:46 AM
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Re: He'll never get it

Just the fact that there IS an OW2 should be enough that you need get out of this "marriage". Guarantee you there will be an OW3. He actions have proven that isnt remorseful and wants it rugswept. It will happen again.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #5 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:50 AM
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Re: He'll never get it

Please understand I am not trying to bash a person who has cheated, but very few fully understand the repercussions of their decisions. In my opinion your husband is not fully remorseful and perhaps lacks empathy towards you. A way you may be able to have him relate is to ask him if he remembers his first date with you and the first time you were both intimate with each other. If he remembers, then tell him that his affair dates are remembered by you, and not in a fond way like his memories of you are.

Explain to him how the date feels to you, the pain and how you feel as if you are suffocating. If he were fully remorseful he would feel your pain, notice that you are suffocating from the trigger. He could then take an action towards relieving your trigger in a positive way. Communication, he could tell you the date is approaching, give you a hug then make you feel safe by being vulnerable himself. Such as, "I know the date is approaching, but only you are what I think and care about, it's you that I love. I would like to sit down and talk to you as my work will require that I attend this event. I would like feedback from you as to how to best get through this terrible date".

Best of luck to you.

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post #6 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:59 AM Thread Starter
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Re: He'll never get it

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Originally Posted by 3Xnocharm View Post
Just the fact that there IS an OW2 should be enough that you need get out of this "marriage". Guarantee you there will be an OW3. He actions have proven that isnt remorseful and wants it rugswept. It will happen again.
oh, I don't believe this. It's been 5 years and he's not a serial cheater.
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post #7 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:03 AM
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Re: He'll never get it

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oh, I don't believe this. It's been 5 years and he's not a serial cheater.
And you know this how? Someone who has no remorse is bound to repeat.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #8 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:09 AM Thread Starter
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Re: He'll never get it

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And you know this how? Someone who has no remorse is bound to repeat.
it was a reactionary response to my affair.
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post #9 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:12 AM
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Re: He'll never get it

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Originally Posted by katies View Post
So last year hubby went to a business event where he met OW2 and it was such a trigger for me we had to go to MC to straighten it out. I said I just wanted a heads up, or to talk about it. He seemed clear on that.
I knew it was coming up last night, he never said anything so I assumed he was not going. He met a friend and I out at 6:30 and she asked (she's a business person too) if he went and he said he stopped by for a few minutes. He told me who he talked to, for how long and I believe him.
But I was FURIOUS when we got home because we were supposed to talk about it beforehand.
He didn't remember. He said it was just another event for him. I said I've had to take sleeping pills for 4 nights because it triggers me so much. He said he doesn't remember dates and why didn't I bring it up myself...?

We have been doing really well lately. But he simply wants to go about as if nothing ever happened and I would like him to take care of me in a special way during these trigger days.
He said do you want to know my entire calendar every single day? And he started to tell me what he had planned for the month.
I said no - but could you keep about 3 days a year in mind that will be triggery for me?

I do not know what to do. We are so so different. I cannot believe we spent an entire session on MC over this and he just didn't do anything. And he didn't apologize for it because he didn't feel he did anything wrong. He was just doing his job.
I said here's what I wanted to hear: "you know the business thing is coming up and I'd like to stop by for a few minutes." BEFORE it actually happened. That is ALL I need.

What did he apologize for? I missed an eBay auction for a pair of shoes because we were having this discussion. I was outbid. He said it was his fault I lost the shoes.
Seriously, THIS is what he apologizes for?

I feel we should always be taking care of each other by considering the other's feelings. He feels we should march on as if nothing happened. He can't believe it's been 5 years and I still bring things like this up.

I feel like I want to spend a lot of money. That's the only thing that gets through to him.
Does he trigger at all from your cheating? I am asking because maybe if he does you can point out that you are going through similar to what he does when he triggers.

I know this isn't nice to hear but maybe subconsciously he is punishing you still, or maybe he feels because you did it to him you don't warrant the effort. "Why should I care if she triggers she brought it on herself anyway", that kind of thinking.

Last edited by sokillme; 04-05-2017 at 10:18 AM.
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post #10 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:14 AM Thread Starter
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Re: He'll never get it

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Does he trigger at all from your cheating? I am asking because maybe if he does you can point out that you are going through similar to what he does when he triggers.

I know this isn't nice to hear but maybe subconsciously he is punishing you still, or maybe he feels because you did it to him you don't warrant the effort.
He has not mentioned triggering in a while. He says he tries to forget and live a happy life. He made a special point to mention that dates are not important to him. I said they are to me. I can feel my body respond as we get closer. He said the day I confessed he wouldn't even know.
How would I find out if he's subconsciously doing this though.
He has said he cares that I trigger.

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post #11 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:25 AM
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He'll never get it

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it was a reactionary response to my affair.


Make that TWO responses. With that kind of justification it can easily be three. Once that door is opened ime, it doesn't close. The barrier is lowered permanently.
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post #12 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:28 AM Thread Starter
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Re: He'll never get it

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Make that TWO responses. With that kind of justification it can easily be three. Once that door is opened ime, it doesn't close. The barrier is lowered permanently.
it wasn't for me. I had one affair and never another.
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post #13 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:30 AM
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Re: He'll never get it

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it wasn't for me. I had one affair and never another.


I know. I read all your threads. But your H is not like you. I was opining on this cheating, not yours.
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post #14 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: He'll never get it

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I know. I read all your threads. But your H is not like you. I was opining on this cheating, not yours.
ah.
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post #15 of 58 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:35 AM
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Re: He'll never get it

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So last year hubby went to a business event where he met OW2 and it was such a trigger for me we had to go to MC to straighten it out. I said I just wanted a heads up, or to talk about it. He seemed clear on that.
I knew it was coming up last night, he never said anything so I assumed he was not going. He met a friend and I out at 6:30 and she asked (she's a business person too) if he went and he said he stopped by for a few minutes. He told me who he talked to, for how long and I believe him.
But I was FURIOUS when we got home because we were supposed to talk about it beforehand.
He didn't remember. He said it was just another event for him. I said I've had to take sleeping pills for 4 nights because it triggers me so much. He said he doesn't remember dates and why didn't I bring it up myself...?

I'd be upset too. He is minimizing your feelings and neglecting to do what you've asked of him to help you heal from his infidelity.

We have been doing really well lately. But he simply wants to go about as if nothing ever happened and I would like him to take care of me in a special way during these trigger days.
He said do you want to know my entire calendar every single day? And he started to tell me what he had planned for the month.
I said no - but could you keep about 3 days a year in mind that will be triggery for me?

He sounds passive-aggressive, which I'm sure you know is VERY challenging in marriage.

I do not know what to do. We are so so different. I cannot believe we spent an entire session on MC over this and he just didn't do anything. And he didn't apologize for it because he didn't feel he did anything wrong. He was just doing his job.
I said here's what I wanted to hear: "you know the business thing is coming up and I'd like to stop by for a few minutes." BEFORE it actually happened. That is ALL I need.

Might be time to find another MC or get him into IC for his avoidance. It sounds to me like he is unwilling to give you the full transparency you need and deserve. Married couples should know what their spouse is doing during the day (and agree to it). Things are fine with your husband until he wants to do something he knows you wouldn't agree with. He does not sound like he is ready for marriage, honestly. Openness and honesty includes no lies of omission. It is perfectly within your right (and NEED, especially after infidelity) to have his full schedule.
What did he apologize for? I missed an eBay auction for a pair of shoes because we were having this discussion. I was outbid. He said it was his fault I lost the shoes.
Seriously, THIS is what he apologizes for?

I feel we should always be taking care of each other by considering the other's feelings. He feels we should march on as if nothing happened. He can't believe it's been 5 years and I still bring things like this up.

That's because his lack of transparency to you is ongoing.

I feel like I want to spend a lot of money. That's the only thing that gets through to him.

In other words, you want to match his independent behavior and passive-aggressive tendencies with your own. That's not going to win his respect for you.
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