Feeling guilty because I want to take a break from WS - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 24 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 08:42 AM Thread Starter
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Feeling guilty because I want to take a break from WS

My husbands affair was 5 yrs ago and I found out 4 years ago and it was minimised as a couple of drinks and excessive texting & phone calls. I knew this was bull**** then and couldn't truly deal with it at the time as my father had just passed away 10 days earlier. The double grief was just too much.
When the mourning and acceptance of my Father's death passed I automatically went back to going on about the affair.

As you can all imagine the arguments, accusations of lies, going round in circles, more lies and then ushered into therapy to accept it was an emotional affair and that still didn't work for me. January it comes out it was a PA.

I'm sick to the stomach of asking questions, thinking there's more, more lies, more truth, more to it. I'm obsessed and it's taking over my life, destroying my mental health.

I've made arrangements to go stay with my sister to get a break but why do I feel so guilty about doing this? I'm depressed beyond belief

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post #2 of 24 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:06 AM
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Re: Feeling guilty because I want to take a break from WS

A break sounds like a great idea -- sometimes wish I could take a long myself (I've taken a weekend here and there, but work and kids conspire against me for anything longer...)

If you have the option I say take as long a break as you need. Not even sure what there is to feel guilty about -- what's going to happen, is he going to fall down the stairs and break his neck if you're not around to hold his hand? Will the house burn up in ashes if you're not there? Will the power be shut off, the tax collector place a lien on the property, and all the eggs sprout furry black mold?

I mean maybe that'll all happen -- but in that case it's his own damn fault for betraying the person who kept it all locked down. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Him on the other hand...

If I had to wager a guess it's that you feel guilty because he's spent a lot of time planting that seed that in you as a way to keep you from leaving. Screw that -- what kind of solution is that for him to offer? That's not fixing, that's just trapping.

You have nothing to feel guilty for. It's affecting your health, mental and physical -- take care of yourself, get some time away with people who love you, it's a big step towards clearing your head and figuring out if you can afford to stay with this guy.

Do what you need to do!
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post #3 of 24 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:11 AM
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Re: Feeling guilty because I want to take a break from WS

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Originally Posted by Gutted247 View Post
My husbands affair was 5 yrs ago and I found out 4 years ago and it was minimised as a couple of drinks and excessive texting & phone calls. I knew this was bull**** then and couldn't truly deal with it at the time as my father had just passed away 10 days earlier. The double grief was just too much.
When the mourning and acceptance of my Father's death passed I automatically went back to going on about the affair.

As you can all imagine the arguments, accusations of lies, going round in circles, more lies and then ushered into therapy to accept it was an emotional affair and that still didn't work for me. January it comes out it was a PA.

I'm sick to the stomach of asking questions, thinking there's more, more lies, more truth, more to it. I'm obsessed and it's taking over my life, destroying my mental health.

I've made arrangements to go stay with my sister to get a break but why do I feel so guilty about doing this? I'm depressed beyond belief
Not sure why you are guilty but you shouldn't be. Maybe you should work on this, maybe you are codependent. Your guilt is misplaced. What you are doing is healthy.
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post #4 of 24 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:20 AM
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Re: Feeling guilty because I want to take a break from WS

I read your other thread about his YEARS of lies and YEARS of gas-lighting you about his serial cheating.

You also mention your marriage has never really been strong or good, that you're co-dependent (that's your worst enemy as you should have left YEARS ago), that he's been verbally abusive to you for years, and that he's blamed you for his serial cheating.

What exactly are you trying to hold onto? A miserable marriage with a completely unremorseful, verbally abusive serial cheater? What's the payoff in that?

You taking a break (of at least 50 or more years) sounds like a great idea to me.
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post #5 of 24 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:25 AM
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Re: Feeling guilty because I want to take a break from WS

Taking a break is a great way to clear your head and decide what it is that you want. I know that I had a much easier time choosing my direction when my XWW wasn't around (because of the emotional attachment), so I took a week break to figure things out. It is very reasonable and healthy for you to do.
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post #6 of 24 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:37 AM
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Re: Feeling guilty because I want to take a break from WS

You have every right to be doing what you are doing and guilt should be the last thing on your mind. Lets be clear about your husband first and foremost:


He is an immoral liar and a cheat. He cheated on you without even thinking of your feelings, the effect it would have on the family or the vows that he made. You need to digest this. Really and truly. He is not the kind of person anyone should hang around and if you do, your well being is being poisoned slowly but steadily. Getting away from him is the most natural reaction in the world so good for you.


He is cruel. He saw how fragile you are especially with the very recent loss of your father and he still opted to lie and gaslight and torture you with lies - he knew you didn't believe him but he persisted. This makes him the lowest form of selfish scumb@g. Now you need to frame this too in your mind. Hope you are building up a clear picture of him.


He is remorseless - he is probably sorry that he got caught or that his shenanigans had to end but no more than that - his empathy and sympathy is for himself only.


In summary he is barely human material let alone husband or soulmate material and you would do well to be rid of him as quickly and painlessly (for you - for him, I would say inflict maximum pain) as possible.


Now you chose to stay and kind of try to make this work (the biggest gift you could possibly give him) for what ever reason. Lets say that you are co-dependent because I cannot understand loving anyone as described above. In order to R you need to be able to at the very least forgive him. How can you forgive him when you don't have the truth and don't know what you are forgiving. He needs to understand this.


I would kick him to the kerb and take him for all he's got.

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post #7 of 24 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:52 AM
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Re: Feeling guilty because I want to take a break from WS

To hell with a break, file for divorce!

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
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post #8 of 24 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:58 AM
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Re: Feeling guilty because I want to take a break from WS

If you're counting votes, put me in the "YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL GUILTY" camp. If anything, he should. And I agree with the others who say you are fully justified moving on to divorce.
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post #9 of 24 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:14 AM
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Re: Feeling guilty because I want to take a break from WS

A break is a great idea. It can precipitate a decent reconciliation. It worked for us; I cheated, and she asked me to leave. So, being an a** of the highest degree, I moved in with the AP. Only took a week or so to realize the reality: Affairs are not real. The feelings are absent the real world. In short order I discovered that the mental patient I was with had no real ambition to work or improve herself. I discovered that I was one in a line of guys to support her. NFW.

At the end of about 2 weeks, I kicked my AP to the curb and asked for a reconciliation. At first she would have none of it, and then a day or so later she gave me the conditions: I was to go completely NC with my AP, then I was to go into individual therapy and we went into marriage counselling. Her final requirement was that she wanted to go on a date, with someone other than myself. That too was a requirement that almost broke me. When she had completed her mission (took me six months to get her into the sack, took him an hour, FML), it was cold, dispassionate and emotionless. It was not an affair, it was revenge, and not a damn thing I could do or say. She said that she got justice, and we could reconcile from the standpoint of being equal. She said that we would stay separated until she could determine whether or not I was a safe partner.

We reconciled by degrees, first by going for coffee a few times a week, proceeding to dating, followed by some overnights. 8-9 months later, I could move back. We have reconciled successfully for 30 years.
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post #10 of 24 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:57 AM
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Re: Feeling guilty because I want to take a break from WS

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gutted247 View Post
My husbands affair was 5 yrs ago and I found out 4 years ago and it was minimised as a couple of drinks and excessive texting & phone calls. I knew this was bull**** then and couldn't truly deal with it at the time as my father had just passed away 10 days earlier. The double grief was just too much.
When the mourning and acceptance of my Father's death passed I automatically went back to going on about the affair.

As you can all imagine the arguments, accusations of lies, going round in circles, more lies and then ushered into therapy to accept it was an emotional affair and that still didn't work for me. January it comes out it was a PA.

I'm sick to the stomach of asking questions, thinking there's more, more lies, more truth, more to it. I'm obsessed and it's taking over my life, destroying my mental health.

I've made arrangements to go stay with my sister to get a break but why do I feel so guilty about doing this? I'm depressed beyond belief
Do it anyways. If you don't, you'll likely experience an emotional roller coaster of highs and lows that could potentially cause more issues in the relationship. Good for you for taking time to think. I see so many people fixate on what their WS was thinking, feeling, etc., when really, at this point, you should be focusing on yourself and what you want and need to move forward, with or without your WS.

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post #11 of 24 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:31 AM
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Re: Feeling guilty because I want to take a break from WS

This sounds like a Stockholm syndrome variant.
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post #12 of 24 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:34 AM
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Re: Feeling guilty because I want to take a break from WS

Do what you need to do, as another poster wrote. Don't feel an ounce of guilt, just don't abandon the household for too long, if it's in your name.

There IS such a thing as taking a break to clear one's thoughts. It's good that you're staying with family.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #13 of 24 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 12:09 PM
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Re: Feeling guilty because I want to take a break from WS

I agree you should take a break. If I were you, to protect yourself legally, you should file for a legal separation.
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post #14 of 24 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 12:35 PM
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Re: Feeling guilty because I want to take a break from WS

Why be with him?
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post #15 of 24 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 06:05 PM
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Re: Feeling guilty because I want to take a break from WS

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Originally Posted by Taxman View Post
A break is a great idea. It can precipitate a decent reconciliation. It worked for us; I cheated, and she asked me to leave. So, being an a** of the highest degree, I moved in with the AP. Only took a week or so to realize the reality: Affairs are not real. The feelings are absent the real world. In short order I discovered that the mental patient I was with had no real ambition to work or improve herself. I discovered that I was one in a line of guys to support her. NFW.

At the end of about 2 weeks, I kicked my AP to the curb and asked for a reconciliation. At first she would have none of it, and then a day or so later she gave me the conditions: I was to go completely NC with my AP, then I was to go into individual therapy and we went into marriage counselling. Her final requirement was that she wanted to go on a date, with someone other than myself. That too was a requirement that almost broke me. When she had completed her mission (took me six months to get her into the sack, took him an hour, FML), it was cold, dispassionate and emotionless. It was not an affair, it was revenge, and not a damn thing I could do or say. She said that she got justice, and we could reconcile from the standpoint of being equal. She said that we would stay separated until she could determine whether or not I was a safe partner.

We reconciled by degrees, first by going for coffee a few times a week, proceeding to dating, followed by some overnights. 8-9 months later, I could move back. We have reconciled successfully for 30 years.
Wow that was tough! So what happened to two wrongs don't make a right ? It didn't just make you equal, you should have explained that it made you equal scumb@gs and you shouldn't have entertained a word out of her after that! I really don't think this would be a good idea for the OP.

This is my quest, to follow that star
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right, without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause
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