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post #16 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:11 AM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

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She has demonstrated alot of remorse at least.
But continues to cheat.


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post #17 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:14 AM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

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She says she's willing to leave her job. She's asked if we can wait until she starts personal counseling.

I feel like her intentions to get better are genuine, but I know she's 'sick'. Im not sure what her endgame here is.
I'm inclined to believe the end game is to cheat again down the road. You are the stable guy who provides all but the attention your W desires.

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post #18 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:14 AM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

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She has demonstrated alot of remorse at least.
Nope.

It only looks like remorse to you because you don't know what remorse actually looks like. Additionally (and this is very important), you're more focused on the words coming out of her mouth than you are on what she's actually been saying with her actions. When the two don't match up, you have to give more weight to her actions.

Either way, if she really wanted reconciliation, she'd have AT LEAST gone NC with OM.

What she really wants is to maintain the status quo that allowed her to pick and choose where to invest her affections from one day to the next.

And you're letting her do it.

She wants to feed you dinner scraps while OM gets the bulk of the entree -- and ALL of the appetizer and dessert -- to himself.

And here you are... putting on that bib.

Come on, man.

Wake the **** up already.
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post #19 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:15 AM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

Sorry but there's not such thing as a Love Addict. Please.....
Sex Addict...maybe
Man it's leaving time....
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post #20 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:16 AM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

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Sigh..

It's not possible to demonstrate genuine remorse when she says she doesn't love you, and is still in contact with the OM. That is the opposite of remorse.

She's only sorry she got caught...again.
EXACTLY ^this^.
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post #21 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:16 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

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Really? Tell me, good sir...which one do you think applies?

"Regret has to do with wishing you hadn’t taken a particular action. You may regret an action because it hurt someone else, but you may also regret it because it hurt you, it cost you something emotionally or financially, or led to a punishment or undesirable result. Regret can lead a person to feel sorrow, grief, hurt and anger—but these can be for the pain s/he feels for the self, not necessarily for the other person who was hurt by the behavior.

Remorse involves self-reproof, admitting one’s own mistakes, and taking responsibility for your actions. It creates a sense of guilt and sorrow for hurting someone else, and leads to confession and true apology. It also moves the remorseful person to avoid doing the hurtful action again. Regret leads a person to avoid punishment in the future, while remorse leads to avoiding hurtful actions towards others in the future."

-Psychology Today, https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...ret-vs-remorse
Interesting, just read the article and she HAS used all the 'remorse' statements rather than the regret statements. Maybe she's playing me.
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post #22 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:18 AM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

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Interesting, just read the article and she HAS used all the 'remorse' statements rather than the regret statements. Maybe she's playing me.
The true moment of realization is one of the most painful experiences...when you realize what you thought was reality was, in fact, not...

However, it is also the most liberating, because you now know the truth....and can make true decisions with such information.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #23 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:20 AM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

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She says she's willing to leave her job. She's asked if we can wait until she starts personal counseling.

I feel like her intentions to get better are genuine, but I know she's 'sick'. Im not sure what her endgame here is.
That doesn't even kind of pass the smell test.

What she wants is to keep her boyfriend while keeping you tethered to her. Counselling is a stalling technique.

Have you exposed the affair to her boyfriend's spouse?

----
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post #24 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

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That doesn't even kind of pass the smell test.

What she wants is to keep her boyfriend while keeping you tethered to her. Counselling is a stalling technique.

Have you exposed the affair to her boyfriend's spouse?
I have not - he's divorced with a new GF.
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post #25 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:26 AM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

Canes, what are you getting out of staying married to a serial cheat? Are you able to move past this (again)? I'd have SO much resentment, hurt, and trust issues that I know any chance for a healthy marriage in your situation would be impossible. Are you really able to move past this? And why would you want to? Have you ever been unfaithful to her in any way? Is it for financial reasons?

I don't get it and feel like there's more to this story.

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post #26 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:30 AM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

if you go forward, be prepared to live a life with a woman that doesn't love you (her own admission), overwhelmingly probably will
never be 'in love' with you, and at best may someday love you as a friend and partner, not a true lover or spouse.

if you are fully prepared for a loveless, practical only marriage (and some people are) and most likely she will stray again, then go forth into
your brave new world. think hard and ponder.

otherwise............
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post #27 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:36 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

So the sentiments here are clearly one-sided. Even with help there is not much hope that she can change?
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post #28 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:36 AM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

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Interesting, just read the article and she HAS used all the 'remorse' statements rather than the regret statements. Maybe she's playing me.
A cheater playing? Say it ain't so.

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post #29 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:37 AM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

How has waiting on her to change worked out for you so far?

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #30 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:37 AM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

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So the sentiments here are clearly one-sided. Even with help there is not much hope that she can change?
Your W has repeatedly demonstrated the same behavior numerous times. Your W will not change.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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