Need advice after wife's infidelity - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #31 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:47 AM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

You are clinging to hope that your cheating wife, who has told you she doesn't love you, will choose you over her affair partners. How f'd up is that? You need to get into counseling for co dependence. What is there exactly to save here?

I'm willing to bet only your financial outlook is keeping you from filing and separating. It could also be kids. Neither is a good reason. Just serve her with divorce papers and tell everyone about the affairs.

Have you told ANYONE about her cheating? I'm guessing not, since you come across as a weak guy. Time to man up and not be a doormat. Go find someone that loves and desires you.

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post #32 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:48 AM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

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Originally Posted by canes View Post
This is at least the 3rd time she's had some sort of infidelity, last time was 10 years ago. She's figured out shes a 'love addict' as she checks all the boxes for those suffering this addiction - and has never really had 'healthy' or lasting fulfillment in relationships.
I have my own definition for this kind of behavior. It's called "not marriage material."

How many more times will she cheat before you reach your personal goal of attaining shag carpetry? In other words, I think she walks all over you and you are seemingly ok with it.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #33 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:49 AM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

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So the sentiments here are clearly one-sided. Even with help there is not much hope that she can change?
NOPE. And here is the main reason why:



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- but doesn't have much hope she can ever love me again. And has lied the past 6 weeks about cutting off contact with the OM. Which she says has been intermittent and after fights etc.
She doesnt love you.

Oh and "love addict" is bull****.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #34 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:52 AM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

I remember when a love addict was once called a cheater. We're getting all PC now.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #35 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:55 AM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

This is harsh but unfortunately you are broken just like her. Until you fix your issues you are going to live a painful life. It is hard to admit but the road you have decided to take is going to end up leading you to ruins. What happens when the kids grow up? You may find one day that she has just left to be with the new AP. This is probably a good bet. She may also try to blindside you and take your financial security you have. You are living with a poisonous snake and expecting it not to kill you. Even after it has bitten you 3 times.

read this

and

this

Point is you are looking for advice for the wrong problem. Your wife is a problem that you can't fix, you are are the problem you can and should be working on.

Your wife is an emotional parasite and you are her host. She chose you because she knew you would let her treat you the way she does and you would pay for her lifestyle. You can see these types of relationships over and over on these boards. Even if you leave her until you fix what it is in yourself that has allowed you to live in an abusive relationship through 3 affairs you will again end up in the same kind of relationship with someone else. You are the emotional equivalent to the women who continues to make excuses and live with the guy who repeatedly gives her black eyes and broken bones.

I get that what I am saying is harsh but if you really want help and a better life (personal improvement) then this is what needs to be said to you. Your wife is no longer the immediate problem. In fact she has told you that this is the way it is going to be. There is very little chance you will have a happy life with her, the fact you are still thinking you can shows you are not thinking right.

Last edited by sokillme; 04-05-2017 at 10:59 AM.
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post #36 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:04 AM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

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In fact she has told you that this is the way it is going to be. There is very little chance you will have a happy life with her, the fact you are still thinking you can shows you are not thinking right.
Sadly, the guy has already lost so many years of his life having to look over his shoulder.
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post #37 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:08 AM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

Also, do you know your state's divorce laws? In Colorado, 15 years of marriage can mean lifetime alimony.

The longer you stay married, the more $$ it will cost you. Don't be one of those guys that gets hosed by a cheating wife.
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post #38 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 11:24 AM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

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Sadly, the guy has already lost so many years of his life having to look over his shoulder.
Staying one day is losing one day of your life in my opinion.
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post #39 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 01:36 PM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

You'll see a change in her when you have her served with divorce papers and full exposure. Only it will be anger, you wrecked her stability with you, and now exposing her makes her look cheap. Her friends will all question her and worry when she is with their husbands. Also she will most likely protect OM and stand beside him. Or she goes the other way and begins to truly work on herself and the marriage. But I would be wary of number two, I think you'll get fake reconciliation.

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


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post #40 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 01:45 PM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

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So the sentiments here are clearly one-sided. Even with help there is not much hope that she can change?
Sir, the odds of her changing are less than you hitting the megaball lottery jackpot.....twice.......in a row. She does not know what she wants, she hasn't the ability. It is regrettable but honestly true.


Peace and long life
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post #41 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 02:11 PM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

@canes, the way I see it you have 2 choices.

The first is D. Leave the situation you are in and start anew. Perhaps you will find somebody that does love you and wants to work towards a better future. If this is the direction you chose, than honestly the sooner you start working towards that objective the better off you will be. Wasting your time in a relationship that isn't working towards this goal is a waste of everyone's time.

The second option is accept the fact that you are going to be in an open relationship as long as you stay with your current wife. At least with this acceptance you will both be able to cake eat instead of her doing the eating while you feel the pain.

Keep in mind, if you chose option B it is very likely that it will end with Option A. Open relationships can work and many couples make them work and enjoy very happy lives as a result. Those people however usually have a very strong relationship going into it, you don't. they have great communication in their current relationship, you don't. They are still strongly committed to the primary relationship, she isn't.

Almost all people that have tried to open their marriage to save a troubled marriage only found that it sped up the road to divorce.

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post #42 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 02:12 PM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

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So the sentiments here are clearly one-sided. Even with help there is not much hope that she can change?
The reason the comments are clearly one sided is because a group of people who do not know each other but have been in your shoes in one way or the other are all telling you the same know that you are in denial, playing what is called the 'pick me' game, and we all know how this will most likely turn out. EXACTLY THE WAY IT IS GOING NOW.

She is dictating to you what she is going to do, when she is going to do it, and since you are allowing it you can bet your 401K that they will be in this interim period establishing a way to take it underground with hidden apps or burner phones.

The advice you need is
(1) she quits the job when you say so. if it takes weeks to get into therapy they continue their affair, and then there will be another excuse.
(2) you put a VAR in her car. You will find out real quick if they are still in contact
(3) you put a GPS on her car so you know where she is when she tells you she is getting a drink after work with a girlfriend
(4) you see an attorney to know your rights
(5) you believe NOTHING she tells you that you cannot verify.
(6) TOTAL NO CONTACT AND TOTAL TRANSPARENCY. No deleting anything and no closure good byes
(7) and the best for last. With her history, if you do not have her take a polygraph you are crazy.

Now you can ignore all of that and continue what you have been doing. How has that worked for you?????

Time to get your head out of the sand and play hardball.
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post #43 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 02:24 PM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

Cane....if this had only been a one time thing, if this was not part of her character, i'd say maybe....but here is the thing it isn't and your are just fooling into believing that this is it...after this she will be all good and she will never cheat or be attempted to cheat again....that is not going to happen...i would venture to guess that the actually number of times she has cheated either EA or PA is at least double then what you know of. But if you want to keep the family together for the sake of the family than fine, but you are really cheating yourself out of a relationship that could be with someone else. That or you open your marriage because you might as well get some action....but i am almost positive she is towing the line until the next time.
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post #44 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 02:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

Looks like separation is the next step (we both agree). It precedes a divorce in my state anyway.
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post #45 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 02:54 PM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

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Looks like separation is the next step (we both agree). It precedes a divorce in my state anyway.
I would assume your stbxw is fully expecting you to cave again. For your own well being, follow through with it.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
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