Need advice after wife's infidelity - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #1 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:39 AM Thread Starter
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Need advice after wife's infidelity

So we've been together almost 2 decades, married for 10 years with 2 young kids. Wife had affair with coworker and fell in love. When discovered she wants to try to fix marriage with counseling etc (for the kids - as she admits she doesn't love me anymore). This is at least the 3rd time she's had some sort of infidelity, last time was 10 years ago. She's figured out shes a 'love addict' as she checks all the boxes for those suffering this addiction - and has never really had 'healthy' or lasting fulfillment in relationships.

She says she wants to work to save this marriage - but doesn't have much hope she can ever love me again. And has lied the past 6 weeks about cutting off contact with the OM. Which she says has been intermittent and after fights etc.

This has been a wake up call for me, as i'm now on a path of personal improvement in all aspects of my life to become a better person. So I have a positive outlook regardless of how this ends up. But I love my wife, and my happy ending would be reconciliation and the start of a healthy, long-lasting connection with her. I know the road to that is long and hard but im hopeful.

I've recently told her she needs to leave her job (or he) or leave the house. We started couples counseling and she is setting up personal counseling to deal with her own issues. She wants to stay at her job while working through this but I dont know if its possible.

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post #2 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:45 AM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

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Originally Posted by canes View Post
So we've been together almost 2 decades, married for 10 years with 2 young kids. Wife had affair with coworker and fell in love. When discovered she wants to try to fix marriage with counseling etc (for the kids - as she admits she doesn't love me anymore). This is at least the 3rd time she's had some sort of infidelity, last time was 10 years ago. She's figured out shes a 'love addict' as she checks all the boxes for those suffering this addiction - and has never really had 'healthy' or lasting fulfillment in relationships.

She says she wants to work to save this marriage - but doesn't have much hope she can ever love me again. And has lied the past 6 weeks about cutting off contact with the OM. Which she says has been intermittent and after fights etc.

This has been a wake up call for me, as i'm now on a path of personal improvement in all aspects of my life to become a better person. So I have a positive outlook regardless of how this ends up. But I love my wife, and my happy ending would be reconciliation and the start of a healthy, long-lasting connection with her. I know the road to that is long and hard but im hopeful.

I've recently told her she needs to leave her job (or he) or leave the house. We started couples counseling and she is setting up personal counseling to deal with her own issues. She wants to stay at her job while working through this but I dont know if its possible.
Canes, You're holding out hope for something that will never happen. Let's review this: Maintains contact with other man, told you that she doesn't love you, and has a history of infidelity. There's nothing left to save except yourself from this nightmare.
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post #3 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:46 AM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

Too much in there to give it the line-by-line treatment, but here are a few thoughts...

1. For as long as she works with OM, the affair will continue. That's Reconciliation 101 -- either she leaves the job (and ASAP) or the marriage is done.

She's already told you where her heart is at, though, so do yourself a favor and listen to what she's actually saying.

2. Three affairs? That you know of ...? It's almost a certainty that there's more.

She's a serial wayward, and serials don't stop.

Ever.

3. Dude, you need to divorce.

And probably DNA the kids as well.

4. If OM is married, be sure to expose the affair to his wife.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #4 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:49 AM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

Friend,

Your wife is a serial cheater.

She tells you she doesn't love you.

She demonstrates no remorse.

She is still trying to deceive you about contact, so you can be assured her current affair is ongoing.

What is there to save? It's time you respected yourself and move on with your life. Divorce her and don't look back. Don't insist that she quit her job, because that could be problematic in the divorce settlement.
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post #5 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:49 AM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

Why do you even think it is possible for you to have a healthy, long lasting marriage if she is on her third affair in 10 years.

You can never trust her and her constant looking to other men for validation and love is the opposite of what it takes to have a good, stable marriage.

Just because you love her does not mean she feels the same about you. You appear to be her Plan B -the bank-the babysitter-the guy who keeps the home going while she goes out and chases her next "love connection" with other men. Do you really think this situation is conducive to a happy, healthy marriage?

Kids can feel strain & distrust in parents. It would be better for them to have happy, divorced parents than to be raised in a atmosphere of stress and anger.
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post #6 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:49 AM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

What is the couples counseling for? She doesn't love you so there is nothing really to try to save. Individual counseling would be a better choice so you can start figuring out how you want to deal with this, on your own. It shouldn't be a group decision anymore between you and her.
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post #7 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

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Friend,

Your wife is a serial cheater.

She tells you she doesn't love you.

She demonstrates no remorse.

She is still trying to deceive you about contact, so you can be assured her current affair is ongoing.

What is there to save? It's time you respected yourself and move on with your life. Divorce her and don't look back. Don't insist that she quit her job, because that could be problematic in the divorce settlement.
She has demonstrated alot of remorse at least.
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post #8 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:52 AM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

Your wife is a self proclaimed/diagnosed "love addict" who can't love the man she is married to...Kind of says it all, DUMP HER!

Last edited by kristin2349; 04-05-2017 at 11:40 AM.
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post #9 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:53 AM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

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She has demonstrated alot of remorse at least.
Just because she says she's sorry she cheated and caused you and the kids pain, does not mean she is going to stop doing it.
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post #10 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:55 AM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

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She has demonstrated alot of remorse at least.
Sigh..

It's not possible to demonstrate genuine remorse when she says she doesn't love you, and is still in contact with the OM. That is the opposite of remorse.

She's only sorry she got caught...again.

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post #11 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:55 AM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

Sorry you are here. In fairness, a serial cheater is unlikely to change their ways, so my first recommendation would be a hasty divorce. However, you have indicated you want to save your marriage, so here goes.

1. No contact means no contact. Not "I only contact him when we fight".

2. This is her third affair.

Please answer this question: What would be worse; losing your marriage, or dealing with infidelity (with this AP or her next one) yet again? I would prefer to lose her over sharing her, which is essentially what is happening right now. She is refusing to be exclusive to you by maintaining contact and keeping her job.

So what should you do? End the infidelity, and let the marriage fall where it may.

1. Demand no contact and insist she quit her job (which you have done).

2. When she refuses (which she has), you tell her you understand, but that you will not live in infidelity. Tell her the only thing worse than losing her is sharing her, and that you would rather end the marriage. Tell her that every day that passes that she chooses to not end the affair reduces the likelihood that you will remain married. Then stop talking to her. When she tries to engage in how you helped lead her to an affair, or how she wants you to stay while she continues to maintain contact, simply hold up your hand and say, "You have made it clear that the marriage is not a priority to you, and I will not focus on fixing a marriage that is not a priority". Then simply walk away. Place this on her to fix.

3. You gather all evidence and expose to everyone important in both of your lives, as well as the OMW if he has one.

4. File for divorce. Tell her the divorce goes through unless she shows you overwhelmingly that she chooses the marriage.

5. No discussion about anything except the children and how to divide assets until she demonstrates she is committed to the marriage.

That is a good start.

If it were me, I would file, have her served at work, and let her sail off into the sunset with her new man. She is a serial cheater. Love yourself enough to demand better, brother.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #12 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:57 AM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

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She has demonstrated alot of remorse at least.


Not to be harsh here as you are in enough pain, but she isn't remorseful in the least. If she were remorseful she would have quit her job, she didn't, she would cut contact, she didn't, and wouldn't run to who she loves when you both fight, she did. It's not very often I throw out a 2X4, but in this case I feel it's warranted. She doesn't love you, tells you she may never love you again, and you go to MC. If your therapist knew this even he/she would be questioning both of your motives. MC will tell you that if both of you aren't totally committed to reconciliation, don't even attempt it.

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.
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post #13 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 09:58 AM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

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She has demonstrated alot of remorse at least.
Really? Tell me, good sir...which one do you think applies?

"Regret has to do with wishing you hadn’t taken a particular action. You may regret an action because it hurt someone else, but you may also regret it because it hurt you, it cost you something emotionally or financially, or led to a punishment or undesirable result. Regret can lead a person to feel sorrow, grief, hurt and anger—but these can be for the pain s/he feels for the self, not necessarily for the other person who was hurt by the behavior.

Remorse involves self-reproof, admitting one’s own mistakes, and taking responsibility for your actions. It creates a sense of guilt and sorrow for hurting someone else, and leads to confession and true apology. It also moves the remorseful person to avoid doing the hurtful action again. Regret leads a person to avoid punishment in the future, while remorse leads to avoiding hurtful actions towards others in the future."

-Psychology Today, https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...ret-vs-remorse

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #14 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:01 AM
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

Canes
All due respect, but you know where you stand. She no longer loves you, she loves the thrill of an affair. I suggest that you stop treating her like a wife and treat her as she deserves: like a stranger who produced your children. She is not going to stop. She is not going to be your wife. Her remorse is remorse at having been caught, and it is more or less an inconvenience for her.

I am going to give you the best advice: Expel her from your home. She is no longer your wife, and all that is left is the legalities. Forget about her leaving the job, call HR and expose her. Call her parents and expose her. Call your friends and expose her. She is not your friend, neither is the OM, whose wife and family if there is one need to have this happy little situation dropped on them as well.

She needs consequences to her actions. Loss of home, family, lover and job are sufficient to bring her out of this so-called "love addiction".
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post #15 of 84 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:10 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Need advice after wife's infidelity

She says she's willing to leave her job. She's asked if we can wait until she starts personal counseling.

I feel like her intentions to get better are genuine, but I know she's 'sick'. Im not sure what her endgame here is.
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