How an affair can save your marriage?! Really!? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #16 of 25 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 02:27 PM
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Re: How an affair can save your marriage?! Really!?

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Ran across this article a few days ago...

Like I can see some point to it, but it seems to say "cheat to fix your marriage" to me.
I am not going to comment on the article, but a fairly common analysis of a lot of self-destructive teenage behavior is that its purpose is to scream out for help. A lot of people in bad marriages do things to sabatoge the marriage, so they don't have to take responsibility for ending the marriage or trying to fix it. They just cheat (or drive their spouse to cheat) and then they get their partner to end the marriage (or they get to be the victim of a cheating spouse and have their family/friends pressure them to end the marriage).

So yes it makes sense (in a sick kind of way).

The probability of success if very low to saving a marriage by cheating, but it will sooner or late create a change from the status quo. Sort of like if you get sick you don't need to go to a doctor because you will either get better or you will die. Same logic.

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post #17 of 25 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 04:21 PM
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Re: How an affair can save your marriage?! Really!?

The article had an ad for Bad Idea Tshirts. Coincidence? I think not.
Note author is in open relationship and appears to advise people from that perspective, not realizing that their perspective is distinctly a minority and further, very few males can handle competing it.
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post #18 of 25 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 06:31 PM
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Re: How an affair can save your marriage?! Really!?

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I understand that. Not all BSs have any fault, but some do. Regardless of what went on before the affair, if there is reconciliation, sometimes that leads to a better marriage than existed before. That's all I'm saying here.
I can see the marriage being different and possibly better in the case of truly repentant WSs however, better is a relative term. Better than the marriage was when the A occurred but never better than it could have been had the WS taken a different course of action. After an A the BS is put into an awkward position in that they must now try to "love" a person that they would have completely shunned prior to marriage. Someone that has exhibited behavior that is contrary to their fundamental core beliefs. A difficult task indeed.
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post #19 of 25 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 07:36 PM Thread Starter
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Yeah I thought the article was rather crazy and likely will be destructive too many couples... An excuse from some waywards. "I sucked all those guys honey because I love you and it showed us that we needed to talk more"

Reflecting back. Each false R dug the hole deeper, even thou each time we less painful.

Even if my WW talked to me about our problems during the afair but before our first breakup... That would have been a far easier and less painful experience.

Even as a person with open relationship experience... The sex didn't bother me so much as the lying and betrayal. Today, if they had contact, it would piss me off and things would be bad. If they met in person, then I'd consider R to be a failure and time to be done with things.

Did the A help us? Some ways yes - wife finally recognized her alcoholic problems. But other ways would have been better for our household. The A helped us but also it was an extremely bad injury to our relationship that wasn't there before.
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post #20 of 25 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 07:36 PM
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Re: How an affair can save your marriage?! Really!?

That article was nothing but pure unadulterated horse****!

If you are going through hell keep on going-Winston Churchhill
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post #21 of 25 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 07:53 PM
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Re: How an affair can save your marriage?! Really!?

People who have affairs often do so because there is something lacking within them, and they are looking to fill that void by cheating. Their marriage or spouse won't fill that void, either. They have to figure out what that void is, because no one can ''make'' you happy, you have to find it within. I think that is one of the biggest reasons people cheat, to find ''happiness.'' We read a lot of those stories on here where a BS says that their WS tells them ''I wasn't happy,'' and that should suffice for a reason to cheat?

I think that cheating might be a wake up call to the cheater to figure out how to fix their own character, and fill a void that maybe they didn't know existed before the affair. That could be why marriages end up better than before the affair, if there is reconciliation, because now the WS has healed and can bring more to the relationship.
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post #22 of 25 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 05:20 AM
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Re: How an affair can save your marriage?! Really!?

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People who have affairs often do so because there is something lacking within them, and they are looking to fill that void by cheating. Their marriage or spouse won't fill that void, either. They have to figure out what that void is, because no one can ''make'' you happy, you have to find it within. I think that is one of the biggest reasons people cheat, to find ''happiness.'' We read a lot of those stories on here where a BS says that their WS tells them ''I wasn't happy,'' and that should suffice for a reason to cheat?

I think that cheating might be a wake up call to the cheater to figure out how to fix their own character, and fill a void that maybe they didn't know existed before the affair. That could be why marriages end up better than before the affair, if there is reconciliation, because now the WS has healed and can bring more to the relationship.
Absolutely, the void is intelligence. Lacking sufficient intellect, the best any person can hope for is to randomly "get it right" on occasion, by accident. Purposeful, reasoned thought is necessary to formulate any positive outcome and without it there can only be chaos, both in their mind and in their life.

Peace and long life
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post #23 of 25 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 05:56 AM
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Re: How an affair can save your marriage?! Really!?

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Ran across this article a few days ago...

Like I can see some point to it, but it seems to say "cheat to fix your marriage" to me.

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-2582...-marriage.html
Just read it. I think she would disagree that she is advocating cheating, as she says to tell your partner that you are interested in someone else. Cheating involves deception, no?

What she does clearly seem to be advocating is non-monogamy. And that is a bridge too far for many of us.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #24 of 25 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 01:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How an affair can save your marriage?! Really!?

Kinda... and kinda not. She wanted to have a relationship with a guy - so told her husband "this is what I'm going to do" - so she/they open the relationship when it seems to suit her needs.

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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post #25 of 25 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 02:49 PM
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Re: How an affair can save your marriage?! Really!?

I would have no problem with my wife coming to me and telling me she wanted a relationship with another man.

The lucky fellow could have at her if he was still willing after three bare knuckle rounds with me.

Regardless of the outcome, she would be history and I would be dressed to the nines after the fight for my date with one of the women I have flirt with me on a daily basis.

He is a wiener and she is a ho.

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