Those who stayed/tried to after being cheated on, what has been the pesonal toll. - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 10:43 AM
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Re: Those who stayed/tried to after being cheated on, what has been the pesonal toll.

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We never hear this part of the story and no one ever warns people who are thinking of R what this will mean in this way. So honestly what do you think staying has done to you, your self image, your self worth, self confidence, friends, family, kids, your health ...

PS I see I missed and R in the title, (Freudian slip?)
I looked at a few of your threads but couldn't determine if you have been cheated on.

Has it happened to you? I can tell you have seen it around you, probably several times.

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post #17 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 10:56 AM
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Re: Those who stayed/tried to after being cheated on, what has been the pesonal toll.

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I looked at a few of your threads but couldn't determine if you have been cheated on.

Has it happened to you? I can tell you have seen it around you, probably several times.
if memory serves, he has only been cheated on by a fiance/girlfriend, whom he left.
he has never been cheated on by a spouse.

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post #18 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 11:02 AM
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Re: Those who stayed/tried to after being cheated on, what has been the pesonal toll.

Thought provoking thread BTW.
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post #19 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 01:01 PM
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Re: Those who stayed/tried to after being cheated on, what has been the pesonal toll.

After 5 and a half years in R, I would say in many ways we have a better marriage. But there is one negative aspect that still lingers.

I call it an "emotional ceiling" - for affection and romantic feelings toward my WS. Not a devastating thing necessarily, but it remains none the less. I guess we've both gotten used to it by now.

I'm pretty sure there are other BS's in R that know what I'm talking about.
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post #20 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 01:22 PM
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Re: Those who stayed/tried to after being cheated on, what has been the pesonal toll.

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if memory serves, he has only been cheated on by a fiance/girlfriend, whom he left.
he has never been cheated on by a spouse.
He was the child of a marriage broken up by a serial father which had significant consequences on him growing up which came to a head with the discovery of the cheating fiancť. So I'd say he's had some experience, yeah.
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post #21 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 01:28 PM
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Re: Those who stayed/tried to after being cheated on, what has been the pesonal toll.

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We never hear this part of the story and no one ever warns people who are thinking of R what this will mean in this way. So honestly what do you think staying has done to you, your self image, your self worth, self confidence, friends, family, kids, your health ...
I didn't R because I had a remorseless spouse at the time. I did what I thought was the best route for me because after dealing with this situation for a whole month after d-day, it was too much for me to handle. I knew I couldn't stay if he was still cheating and his love for me was gone. He did try to leave his AP, but his promises fell short and he broke the no contact rule and answered her call. I knew immediately this had happened when he came home from work. I had no experience in forums or help, but I did most of the right things. I exposed to family and friends, I demanded no contact, got all passwords and access to phone, and set him free when he broke the no contact boundary.

I do have personal experience on the flip side through one of my sisters though. Her husband cheated and she stayed with him. One of her kids, the boy turned out to be a serial cheater like his dad. The 2 girls on the other hand, are much well rounded and stronger than the boy. I think that is partly due to the culture we were born into too. Not just the fact that my sister stayed with a cheating spouse for the sake of many reasons, the children being at the top of the list. When the kids grew up, she did leave him because he never stopped cheating. He was the type that wanted his cake and to eat it too.

He would beg and plead each time he got caught and to everyone that wasn't the immediate family, he fooled into them thinking he was such a devoted husband and father. It was the farthest thing from the truth, but he never intended on leaving my sister or his kids. He just needed his side piece to be completely happy. So she left him when she felt the time was right for everyone.

My sister and I had the same choices to make after we were cheated on. We took different paths. I don't think either one of us made a mistake per say. We did what we thought we could and had to do at the time with the knowledge we had then as well.

My self esteem took a dive for about 2 weeks, but then when anger hit, I knew who owned all the **** and it was not me for sure. My sister did the same when she stayed with her WS. In both our marriages, the children were hurt the worst. I have a commitment phobic son that does not want to ever have children even though he loves them. I have a daughter that did what I thought was the right thing and married, had children, but then cheated on her husband and treats him poorly even though she swears she loves him.

What I see now through my children after 14 years of being divorced from their father, are the ripple effects of the demise of our marriage and also the mistakes we made as a couple living in a dysfunctional marriage even though we thought we were happily married. Our relationships affect other people in either a negative or positive way (our children). We weren't the epitome of a great marriage. WE were flawed even before infidelity became the last straw. Just because we stay married and love our spouses and are faithful doesn't mean we don't harm our children with the dynamic of our relationship. Most marriages are not perfect, and children live in that environment and use it to model their relationships when they grow up.

My X detached from me years before he cheated. That was a huge mistake I failed to see when I could have done something about it. I see it very clearly with the way my daughter treats her husband, but he, like I, can't see it right now. He will though. Their marriage is dysfunctional and that is what most of us when married fail to understand.

My X cheating was just the last straw and one I couldn't deal with because I could accept being replaced by my children, I couldn't accept being replaced by OW. That was a deal breaker for me.

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post #22 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 02:42 PM
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Re: Those who stayed/tried to after being cheated on, what has been the pesonal toll.

Betrayed by an EA for 10 years, which most likely became physical between October 2015 and December 2016. This was an ex gf.

Asked an old flame for nude pictures of her breasts around 10 years ago.

Took a condom on a work trip with him maybe 5 years ago ďas a jokeĒ

Messages with a girl on MySpace asking what he could give her that other men could not. This was roughly 10 years ago as well.

All women of different ethnicities.

So the personal toll? My self esteem is in the gutter. Little known fact about me on this board, I have breast implants. So my breasts are rather perky and nice, even though Iíve had 3 children (2 of them born after breast implant surgery). Since my husband asked for a picture of another womans breasts, it makes me believe that mine arenít ďgood enoughĒ for him. I hate that I have to have ďfake breastsĒ in order to be close to the size that he enjoys. I often wonder if thatís WHY mine werenít good enough. Because they arenít real. Itís a double edged sword. I like the implants because they make me feel womanly (I was completely flat before surgery and I felt boyish Ė my body is very boxy) but on the other hand I hate them because while they LOOK very natural Ė most women are shocked when I tell them I have them Ė they certainly donít move or feel natural and I often wonder if thatís why he ďneededĒ to look somewhere else for them. I cannot stand to watch a movie where a womanís breasts are shown. Itís an instant trigger for me, my mood immediately goes south and I immediately feel insecure.

I wonder often if he couldnít leave the ex alone because sheís better than me? Or if itís because sheís different. Is it his past (her being around when his dad died) or do they have some connection that he just never felt he had with me? Iím not religious but I wonder a lot that if there is a God, why he would give me someone who wanted someone else. I wonder if itís my karma for any bad thing Iíve ever done in my life. I wonder all the time if Iím plan B. I wonder if I left how long it would take him to go to her. I wonder if he thinks of her when we have sex. I wonder if he wishes his child was with her instead of me. I often wonder why I had to have such a strong attraction to him from the day I met him, what was the point of putting this man in my life when he didnít want just ME. Why do I deserve that.

I hate when he leaves the house. Even for work. During the work day was when he would sneak and see her. He drives a lot for work so to visit her during the day, even though she lives 2 hours away, was easy for him to get away with without me being suspicious. I want him to get a different job where he works in an office Monday through Friday 8-5 and canít leave work without taking a personal day, at a place where I can drive by and check that heís there. How sad is that? Every time he says he has to go to work early, I trigger. Thatís what heíd do Ė say he had to go to work early for a meeting, get there at 6, work until 10 and then take a half day vacation to be at her house by noon, stay for 2 hours, drive back home two hours and be home before I got there so I wouldnít know. His company is currently going through a merger. So he has training an hour away at 8AM a couple of times a week. I can verify thatís where he is Ė but guess what happens every single time he tells me he has to leave early? I hate his job. I canít be proud of the position that he got anymore. Because being proud of it means that Iím proud he can travel around Ďundetectedí all day.

I am suspicious of anyone and anything. I cannot see a beautiful woman of any other descent than white without wondering if my husband finds her attractive. Because all of his indescretions have been with women with darker skin tones Ė mixed white and black, Indian, Latina. Iím as white as white comes so obviously my lack of melanin isnít enough to keep him happy.

I feel more hatred towards the main AP then I would imagine is healthy and I worry about that. What it makes me as a person, not to mention it scares me. There are times when I understand why people kill their spouses AP when they catch them. I donít know if itís a real feeling or if I would feel differently if it actually happened, but there are times I truly wish sheíd get hit by a bus. I donít like feeling that way. I feel like that makes me scum. Unstable. Just not a good person. I do not see her in person often. And I havenít since the latest go round of this in December. My heart starts racing when I see a PICTURE of her on social media. I donít know if I could be responsible for my actions if I saw her in person. Iím honestly afraid of what I might do. My anger is incredibly misplaced, however, I donít really know what to do about it.

I bounce back and forth between wishing he loved me and not giving a f*** about him. I finally stopped crying every day about 2 weeks ago. Maybe less. There are times when I feel so much love for him itís overwhelming. It will physically hurt my chest and Iíll go in and lay my head on his chest and cover him in kisses just to be close to him. But sometimes, all of that crashes down when I think about everything, and Iíll get sick to my stomach and have to walk away.

Every time we argue, I think heís going to leave. Sometimes I could care less if he did. Other times thinking about that crushes me. Just depends on the day.

In short, this has completely f**ked me up. I havenít gone into total detail of everything here because I feel like a hypocrite. But thatís my side of it. Iím pretty sure Iím off my rocker. I donít know HOW to be happy any more. I donít know how to trust love anymore. I donít even know if itís worth it anymore. Maybe someday Iíll know, but not now.

I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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post #23 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 02:58 PM
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Re: Those who stayed/tried to after being cheated on, what has been the pesonal toll.

The personal toll for me is my inability to trust. It's gone. Luckily, I'm not interested in having another relationship because I wouldn't be able to trust if I did.
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post #24 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 03:09 PM
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Re: Those who stayed/tried to after being cheated on, what has been the pesonal toll.

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Originally Posted by JayOwen View Post
He was the child of a marriage broken up by a serial father which had significant consequences on him growing up which came to a head with the discovery of the cheating fiancť. So I'd say he's had some experience, yeah.
I wouldn't.

The one the one thing he rails against the most is reconciliation, of which he has no experience.

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post #25 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 03:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Those who stayed/tried to after being cheated on, what has been the pesonal toll.

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Originally Posted by As'laDain View Post
if memory serves, he has only been cheated on by a fiance/girlfriend, whom he left.
he has never been cheated on by a spouse.
This true. I only tried to stay for a short time but it was too hard for me to do it. I didn't feel good about myself the sacrifices I was making. Plus the relationship had lost a lot of what made me want it in the first place. Stability was a big part of what I love about being in a relationship having grown up in an environment without a lot of it. There really was no chance. I ask because I wasn't able to do it, but so many seem to be able to.

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post #26 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 04:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Those who stayed/tried to after being cheated on, what has been the pesonal toll.

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Originally Posted by LosingHim View Post
Betrayed by an EA for 10 years, which most likely became physical between October 2015 and December 2016. This was an ex gf.

Asked an old flame for nude pictures of her breasts around 10 years ago.

Took a condom on a work trip with him maybe 5 years ago ďas a jokeĒ

Messages with a girl on MySpace asking what he could give her that other men could not. This was roughly 10 years ago as well.

All women of different ethnicities.

So the personal toll? My self esteem is in the gutter. Little known fact about me on this board, I have breast implants. So my breasts are rather perky and nice, even though Iíve had 3 children (2 of them born after breast implant surgery). Since my husband asked for a picture of another womans breasts, it makes me believe that mine arenít ďgood enoughĒ for him. I hate that I have to have ďfake breastsĒ in order to be close to the size that he enjoys. I often wonder if thatís WHY mine werenít good enough. Because they arenít real. Itís a double edged sword. I like the implants because they make me feel womanly (I was completely flat before surgery and I felt boyish Ė my body is very boxy) but on the other hand I hate them because while they LOOK very natural Ė most women are shocked when I tell them I have them Ė they certainly donít move or feel natural and I often wonder if thatís why he ďneededĒ to look somewhere else for them. I cannot stand to watch a movie where a womanís breasts are shown. Itís an instant trigger for me, my mood immediately goes south and I immediately feel insecure.

I wonder often if he couldnít leave the ex alone because sheís better than me? Or if itís because sheís different. Is it his past (her being around when his dad died) or do they have some connection that he just never felt he had with me? Iím not religious but I wonder a lot that if there is a God, why he would give me someone who wanted someone else. I wonder if itís my karma for any bad thing Iíve ever done in my life. I wonder all the time if Iím plan B. I wonder if I left how long it would take him to go to her. I wonder if he thinks of her when we have sex. I wonder if he wishes his child was with her instead of me. I often wonder why I had to have such a strong attraction to him from the day I met him, what was the point of putting this man in my life when he didnít want just ME. Why do I deserve that.

I hate when he leaves the house. Even for work. During the work day was when he would sneak and see her. He drives a lot for work so to visit her during the day, even though she lives 2 hours away, was easy for him to get away with without me being suspicious. I want him to get a different job where he works in an office Monday through Friday 8-5 and canít leave work without taking a personal day, at a place where I can drive by and check that heís there. How sad is that? Every time he says he has to go to work early, I trigger. Thatís what heíd do Ė say he had to go to work early for a meeting, get there at 6, work until 10 and then take a half day vacation to be at her house by noon, stay for 2 hours, drive back home two hours and be home before I got there so I wouldnít know. His company is currently going through a merger. So he has training an hour away at 8AM a couple of times a week. I can verify thatís where he is Ė but guess what happens every single time he tells me he has to leave early? I hate his job. I canít be proud of the position that he got anymore. Because being proud of it means that Iím proud he can travel around Ďundetectedí all day.

I am suspicious of anyone and anything. I cannot see a beautiful woman of any other descent than white without wondering if my husband finds her attractive. Because all of his indescretions have been with women with darker skin tones Ė mixed white and black, Indian, Latina. Iím as white as white comes so obviously my lack of melanin isnít enough to keep him happy.

I feel more hatred towards the main AP then I would imagine is healthy and I worry about that. What it makes me as a person, not to mention it scares me. There are times when I understand why people kill their spouses AP when they catch them. I donít know if itís a real feeling or if I would feel differently if it actually happened, but there are times I truly wish sheíd get hit by a bus. I donít like feeling that way. I feel like that makes me scum. Unstable. Just not a good person. I do not see her in person often. And I havenít since the latest go round of this in December. My heart starts racing when I see a PICTURE of her on social media. I donít know if I could be responsible for my actions if I saw her in person. Iím honestly afraid of what I might do. My anger is incredibly misplaced, however, I donít really know what to do about it.

I bounce back and forth between wishing he loved me and not giving a f*** about him. I finally stopped crying every day about 2 weeks ago. Maybe less. There are times when I feel so much love for him itís overwhelming. It will physically hurt my chest and Iíll go in and lay my head on his chest and cover him in kisses just to be close to him. But sometimes, all of that crashes down when I think about everything, and Iíll get sick to my stomach and have to walk away.

Every time we argue, I think heís going to leave. Sometimes I could care less if he did. Other times thinking about that crushes me. Just depends on the day.

In short, this has completely f**ked me up. I havenít gone into total detail of everything here because I feel like a hypocrite. But thatís my side of it. Iím pretty sure Iím off my rocker. I donít know HOW to be happy any more. I donít know how to trust love anymore. I donít even know if itís worth it anymore. Maybe someday Iíll know, but not now.
My dear woman please go get some counseling. No other human being is worth this much pain, besides that this isn't all about him. Please help yourself if you haven't tried yet. Your life could be better, easier, happier then this.
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post #27 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 04:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Those who stayed/tried to after being cheated on, what has been the pesonal toll.

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I wouldn't.

The one the one thing he rails against the most is reconciliation, of which he has no experience.
Typical someone doesn't' have the same opinion so you so you dismiss there experiences. But you do the same of those who do have tried to R and rail against it. So there is that.
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post #28 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 05:31 PM
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Re: Those who stayed/tried to after being cheated on, what has been the pesonal toll.

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Typical someone doesn't' have the same opinion so you so you dismiss there experiences. But you do the same of those who do have tried to R and rail against it. So there is that.
What I dismiss is your emotional reactions to the idea of reconciliation as YOUR emotional responses. The sacrifices that you see are not viewed the same way by others. Those of us who have successfully reconciled and are happy with our lot in life do not feel the same way about the idea of reconciliation that you do.

There is nothing wrong with your disdain for the idea of R in the majority of the cases that you see here on TAM(I know that in some cases, you actually suggest reconciliation). the only time it becomes an issue is when you indicate that others should feel the way you do. Reconciliation is a very personal decision. If someone decides they want to attempt it, the best we can do is give them guidance on how to be successful at it.

If they cannot do it, my suggestion will usually be divorce.

I reconciled. Your thoughts on how I feel about myself are irrelevant and will probably be inaccurate. Especially considering my own personality. But I know what I did to reconcile and be happy with my decision. You have not experienced a successful R.

Truth is, I find most of your relationship advice to be spot on, when it comes to how you suggest people resolve their issues. I would just like to see you extend that "how to" guidance to people who want to try R.

For most of it, you have demonstrated that already know the "how". You just don't seem to know that you know it. Or you do know, and your own feelings about R stop you from sharing it.

I'm not sure which.

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post #29 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 06:36 PM
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Re: Those who stayed/tried to after being cheated on, what has been the pesonal toll.

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This true. I only tried to stay for a short time but it was too hard for me to do it.
I think this is the part that makes some of us leave and some of us stay. My sister is very different from me. Our choices after being cheated on are a very good example of this. She tried to make it work with a serial cheater. I dumped mine the first time he did it.

I'm with you on this one @sokillme, I don't have the stamina to stay for anyone, not even my precious kids once my spouse cheats. Please remember that I said only one of her kids is messed up, the other two are not because she stayed for their sake until they were old enough to understand that daddy was not worth it, and that mom knew this but stayed because it was better for all of them, not for mom per say (that is being extremely selfless, which I am not).

Mine, on the other hand, were both very messed up.

In other words, it's a gamble really and a very personal choice based on what we can and cannot tolerate. Just because one stays and reconciles doesn't mean we are better than the ones that see cheating as a deal breaker. It's a matter of what you can tolerate and what you cannot. I hold a grudge til death do us part; my sister is a very forgiving person. She doesn't hold grudges for very long.

Neither one of us was wrong, simply different. I understand why some of the BS here stay for years and also why some feel is better to just be set free and start new like I did.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #30 of 32 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 06:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Those who stayed/tried to after being cheated on, what has been the pesonal toll.

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I think this is the part that makes some of us leave and some of us stay. My sister is very different from me. Our choices after being cheated on are a very good example of this. She tried to make it work with a serial cheater. I dumped mine the first time he did it.

I'm with you on this one @sokillme, I don't have the stamina to stay for anyone, not even my precious kids once my spouse cheats. Please remember that I said only one of her kids is messed up, the other two are not because she stayed for their sake until they were old enough to understand that daddy was not worth it, and that mom knew this but stayed because it was better for all of them, not for mom per say (that is being extremely selfless, which I am not).

Mine, on the other hand, were both very messed up.

In other words, it's a gamble really and a very personal choice based on what we can and cannot tolerate. Just because one stays and reconciles doesn't mean we are better than the ones that see cheating as a deal breaker. It's a matter of what you can tolerate and what you cannot. I hold a grudge til death do us part; my sister is a very forgiving person. She doesn't hold grudges for very long.

Neither one of us was wrong, simply different. I understand why some of the BS here stay for years and also why some feel is better to just be set free and start new like I did.
It's really not the staying or leaving that does the damage, it's the cheating. It's the BS years of being disconnected because they are suffering and in pain. Also we also don't know what genetics plays into it, like with your daughter for instance, there is some thought that BLPD can carry through with the genes. Nature and nurture and all of that. It's hard to watch people who stay and then continue to wallow in the pain and be miserable, which so many seem to do. I really don't get the point of that. So many who stayed don't really seem very happy. They seem resigned.

Like I said on other thread I read in Holland cheating in marriage is pretty commonplace. It's seen as a natural part of it. That is where we are going here and part of that is the lack of consequences for WS. More and more it's just like well of course your spouse cheated but they are sorry now. I don't think the lack of consistences is good for the institution of marriage. What's the point of even taking vows if you were never going to hold your spouse to them?
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