My personal success story (so far) - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #16 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 03:13 PM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

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Originally Posted by LilDoc View Post
But, know this:
I love my wife, unconditionally. I think I'll keep her.
You don't have to believe any of us who tell you that your wife is severely minimizing what happened, including denying that they had sex. However, for your own sake, I hope you open your mind to this possibility and keep digging for the truth. I am certain that almost no man would be willing to maintain a relationship with a married woman for several months and be satisfied with only kissing and shopping together. I know that you desperately want to believe that, but your wife's story is not very original.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

ps. Yes, we know you love your wife. Deciding to keep her four days after the revelation and while she is lying to you shows that you need to value yourself more.

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post #17 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 03:14 PM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

I am sorry sir, but in my experience and that of many others, if they met up, there is a great likelihood that intercourse took place. In order for you to feel safe again, you will need to explain to your wife the following: Because this has trickled out, it is unfortunate, but your credibility is suspect in these circumstances, remember; you have already asked for a separation, and we were on the verge. On the basis of what I have just said, I will want you to take a polygraph test. The results of that test will determine the state of our reconciliation.

She has trickle truthed you thus far, you will not feel safe until you have full disclosure. Many spouses consider intercourse to be a deal-breaker. Spouses who are in the fog, believe that they are going to split anyhow, so intercourse is on the table. Then when they are shocked out of the fog, they are literally cornered; they believe that if they admit to intercourse, the offended spouse will want a divorce.

You are four days into this, and that is hardly the time to make decisions.
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post #18 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 03:15 PM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

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My suggestion is for you to take your wife's phone (without asking her) and text him directly, pretending to be your wife. Tell him that LilDoc is suspicious and doesn't believe that it's only an emotional affair and that they never had sex. Then see what his response is.
That's how I found out many details about my then fiance.
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post #19 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 03:16 PM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

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We had a very strong marriage prior to our drifting apart and we know each other very well and this is not a serial case. Its been 4 days and I/we are still dealing with this and will be for years to come. I've decided my marriage is worth following the recovery path.
God, I wish I had a nickel for every time I've read this over the years.

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So far this forum has been an extreme let down as it appears everyone is so jaded they assume everyone is a serial wayward and sex addict.
We don't assume it, we know it (not the addict part but the serial part). You may not want to hear it, but it's the truth. FYI I am with my husband today after he cheated.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
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post #20 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 03:17 PM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

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I believe that he did give her something she felt she was missing and he probably used her vulnerability to try and get her into a physical relationship. I do believe that she cut him off before it went that far. The real life meetings only lasted 6 months not 1.5 years.

Would a guy get worked up if he hadn't had sex? Absolutely if he thought he was in love. He was manipulating her into a physical relationship using her vulnerability and she let him. All on her no doubt but it doesn't mean she had sex with him. She admitted she knew it was wrong and tried to get out but he made sly comments like you'll be sorry so she was afraid of being revealed, searching for a way out without hurting me that obviously didn't exist.

I sound like I'm defending her actions, I am not. She did have an emotional affair, she did kiss him and tell him she loved him. She did let him into her life in a role that was mine to fill. All those things are devastating and yes, if I found out she left something out after swearing she didn't I will run the other way because there will be no trust recovery at that point. We had a very strong marriage prior to our drifting apart and we know each other very well and this is not a serial case. Its been 4 days and I/we are still dealing with this and will be for years to come. I've decided my marriage is worth following the recovery path. I know it is going to take a long time if ever to trust her again. To forgive her. Never to forget. I never said this is going to be easy. So far this forum has been an extreme let down as it appears everyone is so jaded they assume everyone is a serial wayward and sex addict.
(sigh) there goes another one...
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post #21 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 03:21 PM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

Only 4 days? Sorry sir but this is a classical trickle truth even. My W swore on her kids life that there was no sex, only to having to admit to it 4 days later because I gained hard proof by then
Sorry but she is not giving you the whole story, this is textbook behavior for a Cheater....would sex be a deal breaker for you?

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post #22 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 03:24 PM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

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Only 4 days? Sorry sir but this is a classical trickle truth even. My W swore on her kids life that there was no sex, only to having to admit to it 4 days later because I gained hard proof by then
Sorry but she is not giving you the whole story, this is textbook behavior for a Cheater....would sex be a deal breaker for you?
Obviously, you're just as jaded as all the rest of us and you think (like we all do) that everyone is a sex addict!
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post #23 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 03:32 PM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

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Obviously, you're just as jaded as all the rest of us and you think (like we all do) that everyone is a sex addict!
I don't even think anyone said anything about the OP's wife being a sex addict or serial cheater to begin with.

OP I cheated on my ex. Guess what I did when he asked the first time? Minimized my ass off!
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post #24 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 03:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

I know my wife better than any of you. I'm sorry I came here. The website that led me here was much more helpful. I am not burying my head in the sand and I admit it is too early to call it a success story, that is why it said *so far*. I am reading and we are doing all of the things every.single.site says to do in recovering from an emotional affair. I know we're only in the onset of this thing and that we have a long road ahead. This site is full of negative jaded people, I can see why people who come here for help have such a low success rate at reconciliation. I'm done posting here. You all latch onto one thing and preach like you know, how many possible successes did you all destroy just by being so negative when you really know very little about *my* situation. I'm not blindly believing, I'm trying to move forward. We're on the right path and every one of you so far seem hell bent on knocking us off that path rather than being constructive. I should have known better than to put *any* faith in an internet forum. I got a lot of help from husband help haven and when he linked this forum I thought maybe it was actually constructive.

Utterly worthless. Should change the name of this site to talkaboutdivorce.com
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post #25 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 03:38 PM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

OP no one is trying to be mean to you.

I am a betrayer and Iíve been betrayed. I can tell you that I lied to my husband for 2 YEARS before I fully came clean. And guess what I told him? That I just kissed the guy. I didnít have a long affair. I had what amounts to a one night stand. No intercourse, oral performed by me that I didnít even complete. And I STILL lied to him for 2 years! Your wife is only admitting to kissing because it doesnít sound ďas badĒ. She most likely thinks that youíll think a kiss was just a mistake. An oops. It takes a lot more calculation and planning to have intercourse Ė which means that the betrayal goes even further than you thought. If she can only admit to and get away with the minimal, then chances are, you wonít leave her. If she admits to it all, well, then her marriage would be destroyed and you would leave. Itís classic cheater. I DID IT! My husband has done it!

EVERY CHEATER FOLLOWS THE SAME SCRIPT! Your wife is not a delicate flower that is more special than any other cheater. You know the tip of the iceberg. Please believe me.


I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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post #26 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 03:41 PM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

Iím still with my husband. We both betrayed the other. Iím not going to divorce him at this point. I want nothing more than for my marriage to work out. But that doesnít mean that he didnít do things and that his cheater script doesnít follow the same as everyone elses. Youíre hearing FACTS and youíd be well served to stick around while this all plays out.

I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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post #27 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 03:52 PM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

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I know my wife better than any of you. I'm sorry I came here. The website that led me here was much more helpful. I am not burying my head in the sand and I admit it is too early to call it a success story, that is why it said *so far*. I am reading and we are doing all of the things every.single.site says to do in recovering from an emotional affair. I know we're only in the onset of this thing and that we have a long road ahead. This site is full of negative jaded people, I can see why people who come here for help have such a low success rate at reconciliation. I'm done posting here. You all latch onto one thing and preach like you know, how many possible successes did you all destroy just by being so negative when you really know very little about *my* situation. I'm not blindly believing, I'm trying to move forward. We're on the right path and every one of you so far seem hell bent on knocking us off that path rather than being constructive. I should have known better than to put *any* faith in an internet forum. I got a lot of help from husband help haven and when he linked this forum I thought maybe it was actually constructive.

Utterly worthless. Should change the name of this site to talkaboutdivorce.com
No one has said anything about divorce either...
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post #28 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 04:04 PM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

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I can see why people who come here for help have such a low success rate at reconciliation.
'Reconciliation' and 'staying married' are two completely different things. No matter what they tell you on 'other' sites, their rates of true, happy reconciliation I can GUARANTEE are lower than they are here.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
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post #29 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 04:22 PM
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My personal success story (so far)

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post #30 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 04:29 PM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

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I've told her many times that I accept that she told me everything but don't fully believe that yet and explained why I had a hard time believing there was no further physical actions. I'm there guys. It's only been 4 days so if you really have experienced this you probably know my mindset at this point. I am steadfastly avoiding false recovery.
A major study showed that in only 7% of the cases of physical cheating does the cheating spouse every admit to a physical affair even when presented with proof. The minute that a cheater decides to cheat and hide it from their spouse, is the minute that lying to their spouse about it becomes the norm. Your wife lied to you for 1 1/2 years about this other man. You simply asking her what she did today, required her to lie to you so as to leave out the other man (OM). She learned from you everything that you knew, and then spun the new lie around it. It had to include enough bad things for it to be believable, but not anywhere near enough for you not to just rug sweep and move on.

Your wife and OM are not in high school they are adults. To assume that either of them as adults, that have for years experienced regular sex with a partner, would be in love and date for 1 1/2 years (yes what they did was dating), and be satisfied with just exchanging kisses and I love yous is not being rational. You being upset about me telling you this truth is you shooting the messenger. Please investigate as you will learn that they did more than just kiss. You will not be the first or the last guy to get mad at us for speaking the obvious truth. Should you decide to leave us, please remember to come back here after you learn more. Remember that you and your wife are both responsible for issues in your marriage, but the cheater is always 100% responsible for their cheating. As a cheater she will try to tell you otherwise; the longer that you buy into this, the longer it will take to resolve this. I am sorry that you are here. Be well and good luck to you.
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