My personal success story (so far) - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 04:30 PM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

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What kind of advise is this? I think Ive come to the wrong place.
It is called free advice and you will receive many kinds on this forum.

I am a very hard man when it comes to bull**** like your wayward wife has pulled.

I would date and then have discussions with her about how she liked my half of the open marriage she chose to start without telling me.

If she got it and was fully remorseful, I would spank her bratty ass and start some real reconciliation work.

I would also have a "conversation" with the moron that thought it funny to treat my marriage and family with contempt.

He might well move cross country by the time I was done with my "conversation".

My advice is good for someone like me or of a similar bent or someone who needs to be a little more like me.

If it isn't for you, don't use it.

Peace.

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post #32 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 04:34 PM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

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I got a lot of help from husband help haven and when he linked this forum I thought maybe it was actually constructive.
You "got a lot of help from husband help haven", and there is a reason that he sent you to this site.
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post #33 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 04:36 PM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

LilDoc,

Just ask your WW to write out a timeline for her affair have her put it in black and white, tell her to put in everything. Tell her you can forgive whatever it is she did but you cannot forgive lying, even lying by omission. Allow her to write it out without you there to avoid the embarrassment.

Also she needs to tell you everyone who knew about, concealed or helped her carry out the affair, they need to be gone from you and your WWs life.

Once you have that schedule a polygraph, and follow through with it.

Normally it takes two to five years to recover from an affair, and this only starts after you have heard the last detail, every time you find out something new. you reset your clock to zero.

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post #34 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 04:40 PM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

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I know my wife better than any of you. I'm sorry I came here. The website that led me here was much more helpful. I am not burying my head in the sand and I admit it is too early to call it a success story, that is why it said *so far*. I am reading and we are doing all of the things every.single.site says to do in recovering from an emotional affair. I know we're only in the onset of this thing and that we have a long road ahead. This site is full of negative jaded people, I can see why people who come here for help have such a low success rate at reconciliation. I'm done posting here. You all latch onto one thing and preach like you know, how many possible successes did you all destroy just by being so negative when you really know very little about *my* situation. I'm not blindly believing, I'm trying to move forward. We're on the right path and every one of you so far seem hell bent on knocking us off that path rather than being constructive. I should have known better than to put *any* faith in an internet forum. I got a lot of help from husband help haven and when he linked this forum I thought maybe it was actually constructive.

Utterly worthless. Should change the name of this site to talkaboutdivorce.com
Ok.

Your wife cheated on you, not us.

Stop taking your pathetic and misplaced vitriol out on us.

I have helped save many marriages in real life by fearless confrontation and hard work.

Make no mistake. Your wife cuckolded you and your shrill response to the veterans of this site, many of whom have reconciled successfully and in a number of ways, is not appreciated.
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post #35 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 05:02 PM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

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Originally Posted by LilDoc View Post
I know my wife better than any of you. I'm sorry I came here. The website that led me here was much more helpful. I am not burying my head in the sand and I admit it is too early to call it a success story, that is why it said *so far*. I am reading and we are doing all of the things every.single.site says to do in recovering from an emotional affair. I know we're only in the onset of this thing and that we have a long road ahead. This site is full of negative jaded people, I can see why people who come here for help have such a low success rate at reconciliation. I'm done posting here. You all latch onto one thing and preach like you know, how many possible successes did you all destroy just by being so negative when you really know very little about *my* situation. I'm not blindly believing, I'm trying to move forward. We're on the right path and every one of you so far seem hell bent on knocking us off that path rather than being constructive. I should have known better than to put *any* faith in an internet forum. I got a lot of help from husband help haven and when he linked this forum I thought maybe it was actually constructive.

Utterly worthless. Should change the name of this site to talkaboutdivorce.com
I say this to you just as compassionately as I possibly can...

She's lying.

I'm not calling your wife a *****, or you an idiot, or any of that.

What I AM doing is attempting to relate this nearly universal truth to you...

Emotional affair + physical proximity to AP = physical affair

I'm so sorry that you're going through this, but it's going to be so much more difficult for you -- and so much more prolonged -- if you continue to do it with blinders on.

Your wife is lying to you.

She had sex with OM.

She's no more "unique" or "special" than any other wayward.

You might know her better than me, or anyone else here, but you're still wrong about her.

You're only 4 days in. You're still awash in a sea of grief, despair, fear, pain, and, unfortunately, trickle-truth.

Every wayward lies, at least in the beginning.

Strap in, because the waters are going to get rougher before they get better.

Sorry.

ETA: It's fine if you want to reconcile, but do it armed with the truth.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #36 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 05:57 PM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

My question would be, what did you expect to hear?

You tell your story, a story of success???? After 4 days? If you really thought it was a success, why post here? Did you expect a few taps on your shoulder for doing great? My guess would be that the title alone was seen as an invitation to get the 2x4s out. There can't be any success after 4 days of trying to reconcile (well she apparently did not meet OM so....small success, some did not even manage to achieve that).

What you saw as drifting apart was a communist rally of red flags and if you had come here at that point in time, especially after the "I don't love you anymore" speech, people here would have told you that she probably had an affair. And I bet you would have said that people here don't know your W and how dare they think that etc.

Surprise, surprise, there was an affair. Probability was just too high regarding the circumstances. People here have read and heard this similar stories way too often.

Kudos to you, after some time you did the steps people would have told you to make by yourself. Separating finances, moving out, showing consequences etc even without you knowing that there was an affair.

Apparently the realization that she would lose you has not stopped her from meeting OM.

Regarding the veracity of your wife's story, it is possible that she tells you the truth. Based on experience it's unlikely that there was no sexual contact other than kissing. Think about it, people minimize stuff all the time, be it to gain an advantage or to lessen the blow to somebody, in every part of our lives. Adults act different than teenagers, opportunities were there etc. It's just a matter of probabilities, like in a lottery. It's not impossible to win the jackpot, it's just unlikely.

The unusual thing in your story is that OM contacted you. That could hint to your W ending or stalling the affair and he trying to break you up by contacting you. Either as revenge or as last ditch effort to free her from marriage and make her available for him. Him contacting you in the beginning of March and she supposedly having her last contact in February also seem to match up and support this possible line of events.

So back to my initial question. What do you want here? We all don't know your W. We don't know you. We give opinions and advice based on our own experiences and experiences of others we saw, read or heard about. You knew that beforehand. Most here see no reason to keep a marriage if you are the only one maintaining it and the other spouse is busy tearing it down and some also think it's a waste of your time on this planet to try to fix a M after an affair regarding the odds. Too many BS that stayed regret their decision because R did not work out the way they wanted.

You were already willing to give up your marriage or at least separate when you didn't know your W professed her love to someone else. What changed to the better instead of just the worse (you now know that your W is capable of at least emotionally cheating to you and lying about meeting other men)? How is she working on your M since December 2016? Why did she have contact with OM until Feb 2017 if she wanted your M to work and she wants only you? What is she doing these last 4 days that convince you that she is remorseful when you say yourself that you lost your trust in her and don't believe her story? And even more important what did SHE tell you what changed her mind? Are you really just her best friend? How did she fall out of love for you, fall into love with OM and is now back loving you? Or is she still not loving you? Why didn't she tell the truth from the beginning? Why lie about/omitt the affair if she didn't love you but loved OM? Her Story and her behaviour do not match up in a way that support her telling the whole truth. Rather sounds like cake eating, Plan B etc.

Unless you want to write an online diary and no advice, you have to tell more about what's happening now, people here can only work with what they know. And even if you tell everything many will tell you to not believe her, especially because it's just 4 days and your emotions are just all over the place. Your opinion may change in a couple of weeks from now.

Regarding your questions about how to trust her, regaining trust and what to do in case of TT, well....if you don't trust you have to verify as much as you can. Transparency in all things, people that helped or knew have to go. Only acting trustworthy can show you that she is. Words are just words. Trust is earned not given. Don't expect it to be ever the same again.

If she trickletruthed you (and that is just highly probable, be it for sparing you pain or saving her butt), well it's basically DDay all over again. TT would also show you that she is still capable of lying to you and still not trustworthy, no matter her efforts. Also the triggers and mind movies may not go away for a long time. Another reason many think it's not worth it. But in the end it's your life and you have to decide what and who is worth spending time with.

Last edited by rzmpf; 04-09-2017 at 02:54 PM.
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post #37 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 06:10 PM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

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Originally Posted by LilDoc View Post
I know my wife better than any of you. I'm sorry I came here. The website that led me here was much more helpful. I am not burying my head in the sand and I admit it is too early to call it a success story, that is why it said *so far*. I am reading and we are doing all of the things every.single.site says to do in recovering from an emotional affair. I know we're only in the onset of this thing and that we have a long road ahead. This site is full of negative jaded people, I can see why people who come here for help have such a low success rate at reconciliation. I'm done posting here. You all latch onto one thing and preach like you know, how many possible successes did you all destroy just by being so negative when you really know very little about *my* situation. I'm not blindly believing, I'm trying to move forward. We're on the right path and every one of you so far seem hell bent on knocking us off that path rather than being constructive. I should have known better than to put *any* faith in an internet forum. I got a lot of help from husband help haven and when he linked this forum I thought maybe it was actually constructive.

Utterly worthless. Should change the name of this site to talkaboutdivorce.com
Wow. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

I guess we're 'worthless' because we refused to further delude you and tell you what you want to hear. It's ridiculous and childish to claim that we're hell bent on 'knocking you off your path' as though any of us have a personal stake in your marriage. We don't even know who you are and your decisions don't affect anyone's life here. But you asked for advice and you got it from people who have had YEARS of experience dealing with infidelity and can see through a cheater from a country mile. You're all new to this and can't even see how you're being lied to, so we understand your inability to hear the truth from us.

We've heard your story 1,000s of times. MANY here have lived it. Your story is NOT unique and SHE'S not unique. Not in ANY way.

You want so badly to believe all her lies. We get it. You're not the first one and won't be the last one who eventually found out they were horrifically lied to on D-Day. You'll have to find out for yourself. You might want to start by talking to lover boy if she hasn't already gotten to him yet and begged him to lie to you for her. Cheaters are famous for doing that - begging their affair partners to lie for them after it all hits the fan. So by now, she's probably already gotten to him.

Do yourself a favor and get STD tested. Sounds as though her 'friend' was probably playing the field when he wasn't going on innocent dates with her to Bible Study and then to the malt shop where they'd get 2 straws and share a shake.

You will eventually learn the truth. Maybe months or years from now when you least expect it. But it will eventually come out. It usually does.
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post #38 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 06:28 PM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

Please come back once she admits to the sex. This is the issue that will be haunting you over the coming months, so you'll need to get closure and really find out at some point. Do not sweep this under the rug, or it will stay with you like a dark cloud forever.

When you come back, there will be some gentle "I told you so" comments, but the community here will be genuinely helpful in advising you on what is necessary for proper, lasting reconciliation, if that's still possible.
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post #39 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 06:57 PM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

First LilDoc congratulations on being brave and trying to fix your marriage. Good for you.

Just because people tell you things you don't want to hear, don't assume that are being mean to you. Consider this as a fact-finding expedition where you get to choose those things that fit your situation and ignore those that don't.

My first piece of advice is for you and your wife to get some professional marriage counseling help. Do that right away. You need a professional to help the two of you sort things out.

My second piece of advice is to tell you wife that you are getting STD/STI tested. Even if you are sure that it was just an emotional affair that involved kissing only, you need to think big picture. What do I mean big picture? You have a small child that needs healthy parents to take care of him/her. No matter how sure you feel you are about your wife, you should protect your child. Tell that to your wife and ask that she also get tested. Her response may tell you a lot.

Good luck to you, I wish you the best and may you and your wife rebuild your marriage.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LilDoc View Post
I believe that he did give her something she felt she was missing and he probably used her vulnerability to try and get her into a physical relationship. I do believe that she cut him off before it went that far. The real life meetings only lasted 6 months not 1.5 years.

Would a guy get worked up if he hadn't had sex? Absolutely if he thought he was in love. He was manipulating her into a physical relationship using her vulnerability and she let him. ....

I sound like I'm defending her actions, I am not. She did have an emotional affair, she did kiss him and tell him she loved him. She did let him into her life in a role that was mine to fill. All those things are devastating and yes, if I found out she left something out after swearing she didn't I will run the other way because there will be no trust recovery at that point. We had a very strong marriage prior to our drifting apart and we know each other very well and this is not a serial case.

.....I never said this is going to be easy. So far this forum has been an extreme let down as it appears everyone is so jaded they assume everyone is a serial wayward and sex addict.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LilDoc View Post
I know my wife better than any of you. I'm sorry I came here. The website that led me here was much more helpful. I am not burying my head in the sand and I admit it is too early to call it a success story, that is why it said *so far*.

....This site is full of negative jaded people, I can see why people who come here for help have such a low success rate at reconciliation. I'm done posting here. You all latch onto one thing and preach like you know, how many possible successes did you all destroy just by being so negative when you really know very little about *my* situation.

...I got a lot of help from husband help haven and when he linked this forum I thought maybe it was actually constructive.

Utterly worthless. Should change the name of this site to talkaboutdivorce.com
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post #40 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:17 AM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

Quote:
Originally Posted by LilDoc View Post
I believe that he did give her something she felt she was missing and he probably used her vulnerability to try and get her into a physical relationship. I do believe that she cut him off before it went that far. The real life meetings only lasted 6 months not 1.5 years.

Would a guy get worked up if he hadn't had sex? Absolutely if he thought he was in love. He was manipulating her into a physical relationship using her vulnerability and she let him. All on her no doubt but it doesn't mean she had sex with him. She admitted she knew it was wrong and tried to get out but he made sly comments like you'll be sorry so she was afraid of being revealed, searching for a way out without hurting me that obviously didn't exist.

I sound like I'm defending her actions, I am not. She did have an emotional affair, she did kiss him and tell him she loved him. She did let him into her life in a role that was mine to fill. All those things are devastating and yes, if I found out she left something out after swearing she didn't I will run the other way because there will be no trust recovery at that point. We had a very strong marriage prior to our drifting apart and we know each other very well and this is not a serial case. Its been 4 days and I/we are still dealing with this and will be for years to come. I've decided my marriage is worth following the recovery path. I know it is going to take a long time if ever to trust her again. To forgive her. Never to forget. I never said this is going to be easy. So far this forum has been an extreme let down as it appears everyone is so jaded they assume everyone is a serial wayward and sex addict.
Every betrayed spouse upfront wants to believe it's just an emotional affair. Because the truth is too hard to take. It's called denial. That's where you are.

Admitted kissing = full blown sexual affair. From what you've posted a lot of it.

Wake up. Without the full truth Reconcilliation will be a false one. Running from the truth won't help you much.

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post #41 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 12:41 PM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

Where did you ask for advice? You're flauting a "success story" that is blatantly non existent, and you were expecting hoorays for the way you've handled it, but, really, there is no reason.

If you want to believe that an adult woman (who wasn't affectionate to her husband, and, this is not clear, she didn't have sex with him) was regularly going out with another man and they never had sex, it's your problem, not mine, or ours...

If you want to call a "success story" your wife banging another man for two years, it depends on your definition of success...

You state you will keep her, so your decision is taken, what advice are you seeking.

No I'm not going to tell you the fairy tales you want to hear, not many will...
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post #42 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 01:12 PM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

Rugsweeping and being a doormat is harder work than you think sport.

If you ever wise up I'd suggest telling your wife a polygraph will clear everything up.
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post #43 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 04:17 PM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

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Originally Posted by LilDoc View Post
I believe that he did give her something she felt she was missing and he probably used her vulnerability to try and get her into a physical relationship. I do believe that she cut him off before it went that far. The real life meetings only lasted 6 months not 1.5 years.

Would a guy get worked up if he hadn't had sex? Absolutely if he thought he was in love. He was manipulating her into a physical relationship using her vulnerability and she let him. All on her no doubt but it doesn't mean she had sex with him. She admitted she knew it was wrong and tried to get out but he made sly comments like you'll be sorry so she was afraid of being revealed, searching for a way out without hurting me that obviously didn't exist.

I sound like I'm defending her actions, I am not. She did have an emotional affair, she did kiss him and tell him she loved him. She did let him into her life in a role that was mine to fill. All those things are devastating and yes, if I found out she left something out after swearing she didn't I will run the other way because there will be no trust recovery at that point. We had a very strong marriage prior to our drifting apart and we know each other very well and this is not a serial case. Its been 4 days and I/we are still dealing with this and will be for years to come. I've decided my marriage is worth following the recovery path. I know it is going to take a long time if ever to trust her again. To forgive her. Never to forget. I never said this is going to be easy. So far this forum has been an extreme let down as it appears everyone is so jaded they assume everyone is a serial wayward and sex addict.
Hey, thank you for sharing your story so far, I myself am only in week 3 of finding out my husband several times betrayed me, a little different as it was for oralsex and with the opposite sex. I understand all your pain, the choice you have made to stay is your choice and you've owned that. That's is progression to date and you seem confident on we're you hope to end up. Although I'm still working on staying with my husband I'm actually everyday petrified of what waves of pain are going to hit me each day, what images are going to go around and around. The feeling of absolute worthlessness is soul crushing. You seem so much clear minded than I. Please don't be disappointed on here, yes there are many people full of hatred, unforgiveness and just really bad and not very encouraging advice. However there are others that have been on the journey a few years a head and full of support and understanding. I hope you can sift them out, I really do. I follow a thread a lady put together asking if it would be helpful for BS to have a support thread. I hope you can find it, there are a few of us helpful ones on there.
On another not my husband completely watered down the truth of what he had been doing, I knew it so I made him do a polygraph 3 days before he came clean and told me everything, it was the most painful information I've ever had to hear. But then I could alter my questions around what he had said and he passed the ones I asked. Although painful I now know the truth, everything that did happen but also everything that didn't, have you considered this?
I wish you all the best in your journey x
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post #44 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 02:47 AM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

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I know my wife better than any of you. I'm sorry I came here. The website that led me here was much more helpful. I am not burying my head in the sand and I admit it is too early to call it a success story, that is why it said *so far*. I am reading and we are doing all of the things every.single.site says to do in recovering from an emotional affair. I know we're only in the onset of this thing and that we have a long road ahead. This site is full of negative jaded people, I can see why people who come here for help have such a low success rate at reconciliation. I'm done posting here. You all latch onto one thing and preach like you know, how many possible successes did you all destroy just by being so negative when you really know very little about *my* situation. I'm not blindly believing, I'm trying to move forward. We're on the right path and every one of you so far seem hell bent on knocking us off that path rather than being constructive. I should have known better than to put *any* faith in an internet forum. I got a lot of help from husband help haven and when he linked this forum I thought maybe it was actually constructive.

Utterly worthless. Should change the name of this site to talkaboutdivorce.com



Perhaps this site was linked to you so that you don't rug sweep. Or because they at husband help haven know your wife is lying. Or that you are taking the word of a liar. Or that husband help haven wants you to have a successful reconciliation. Or that OM is just trying to get back at your wife because his life is now destroyed. Or maybe OM just thought to reach out to you because your wife cheated on OM.

OP, maybe there is some truth to what we are trying to tell you, but I'll leave you with just a few questions. If you know your wife as well as you say, how did you not know she wasn't cheating? How come you found out through OM? I'm genuinely asking you, how did you not know your wife was dating OM, when you knew her so well??

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.

Last edited by drifting on; 04-09-2017 at 02:49 AM. Reason: Spelling
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post #45 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 08:41 AM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

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Perhaps this site was linked to you so that you don't rug sweep. Or because they at husband help haven know your wife is lying. Or that you are taking the word of a liar. Or that husband help haven wants you to have a successful reconciliation. Or that OM is just trying to get back at your wife because his life is now destroyed. Or maybe OM just thought to reach out to you because your wife cheated on OM.

OP, maybe there is some truth to what we are trying to tell you, but I'll leave you with just a few questions. If you know your wife as well as you say, how did you not know she wasn't cheating? How come you found out through OM? I'm genuinely asking you, how did you not know your wife was dating OM, when you knew her so well??
This is a straight up bulls eye!

I think OP was possibly trying to direct some traffic to that other sight.
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