My personal success story (so far) - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 01:58 PM Thread Starter
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My personal success story (so far)

I am a 45 year old man married for 27 years come August and I am currently surviving an emotional affair by my spouse, thanks in no small part to websites and articles like husbandhelphaven. I have learned so much about myself, my spouse and our relationship. I and we have a long way to go but we are on the right path. Now, on to my story. Who knows, maybe it can help someone else in my shoes someday.

My wife and I both married and had children young, but despite all that we had a good strong marriage. Over time our interests changed and we spent less time together. She got a job and was working some nights and when she got home didn't really feel like doing anything. The intimacy lessened more every day. The little things like hugs, kisses in passing and holding hands or cuddling went away. I would try but she wasn't into it. As a result I pulled away, I found other things to occupy my time like online gaming. It got to the point I was giving her none of my time because I felt she wasn't interested and didn't want my attention. Somehow this was not a red flag to me as it happened so gradually over time, like sitting in water that slowly comes to a boil and not realizing until its to late that your burning. The effect of this was she felt neglected and unloved and grew unhappier by the day. She started really pulling away in the fall of 2015, finding more and more reasons not to come home, started staying up late when she was home and not coming to bed with me until I was long asleep. Now this was a red flag I couldn't miss, and I got depressed. This went on for awhile with several unsuccessful attempts to find out what was wrong. Finally in May of 2016 (yes, some six months after noticing her extreme pulling away) I confronted her and she finally confessed she wasn't happy, that she felt neglected. I told her I still loved her and how I had felt pushed away and she dropped the bomb. I don't feel the same way, I don't love you any more, she said. From that point on there was crying, attempts at communication, yelling and fighting. I wanted to talk about our issues but it was to hard for her. I didn't have many friends and I wasnt a social networking guy, i wasnt even on Facebook. So I had noone to talk to. I decided to look up a old high school male friend that i had lost touch with but had always considered a true friend for someone to confide in. So I got on Facebook for the first time. I didn't friend alot of people because that wasn't my goal, i still wasnt a social networking kind of guy. I did friend my wife, who was a longtime facebook user and addict. I reviewed her feed and noticed some relatively harmless but inappropriate comments by one of her male FB friends. I confronted her about him. He is a cousin to one of her real life and FB friends and is harmless. There is nothing between us she tells me just my friends cousin and we just joke around and post memes. I believe her that at the time that was true. I keep noticing more inappropriate comments both new and older and I continue to ask her about them. His relationship status is 'in a relationship with you know who you are'. Red flag to me, I ask about that specifically and the next thing I know he blocks me. Turns out she told him my concerns and he was freaked out that i looked at his profile. At this time it was a harmless friendship that i just hadn't known about but she disclosed when i asked. I was angry that she had told him about our discussions and told her so. (i had no idea what an emotional affair was then) I also told her i was uncomfortable with a man that made inappropriate comments to my wife hiding from me by blocking me. She got him to unblock me and things continue on. Over the next few months I continue to try to talk about our issues and its just too hard for her. In December of 2016 we separate our finances and i set up support payments, i secure an apartment and prepare to move out. My move-in date for the new apartment is Jan 4 2017. I think the reality of my leaving changes something for my wife. She breaks down about losing her best friend and doesn't want to lose me. She shows some real feelings for the first time so i decide to give her a second chance. I cancel the apartment and I stay, with the idea that finally we will work on us. And we do. From that point on until now we recover. At the beginning of February she unfriends the male FB friend that had been an issue as he had blocked me again and that was inappropriate.

At this point there was no infidelity or any other relationship killer on the table, we had just grown apart so it was pretty easy to get back to a comfortable place and I was happy again.

Last Monday (April 3) my wife went to a concert with a female friend and i stayed home with our dogs and youngest son. As I'm getting ready to go to bed I check my messenger almost by accident (i never really used it and never check it, I'm not a socal networking guy remember) and I have a connect request from that male FB friend of hers along with a few mesages.

March 6 "Ask your wife what she has been doing for the past year and a half. I'd be interested in what she tells you. No need to contact me back. I already know. Thats all."

March 9 picture of my wife smiling and happy next to the male FB friend who is whispering in her ear with the caption "Good times. tell her hi." (at this point i recall she has told me there had been no real life contact only FB messenger joking around)

March 10 nothing but a thumbs up emoji


Wanting more information to confront my wife and to get independent stories I ask him for more information but he doesn't respond that night (it was after 10pm) the next morning he had blocked me again.

When my wife gets home from the concert an hour later I confront her. I tell her I want the whole truth but I don't tell her what I know or how. So she proceeds to tell me how she met with her friend and this man for dinner and shopping in a neighboring town (that her and I frequently visit) on several occasions and that he had listened to her and showed her attention. She had begun meeting him there without her female friend to walk thru shops and talk (the same shops we used to go thru). This was happening some time between that May 2016 and February 2017 but she is unclear on dates. She swears it was emotional only, there was no sex or physical actions. Im still devastated and can't believe it went on that long and am doubtful that there wasnt more physical actions. She assures me she has severed all contact since some time ago (she was unclear when at first "i don't remember") and is very visibly remorseful and willing to own her mistakes and do anything to repair us. (at this point we had been doing just that and were happy, but there was an emotional affair i didnt know about) Im in shock, angry, hurt. We talk all night. I ask her alot of questions and get alot of tickle truth that night.

They had met between one and two dozen times over maybe 6 months (we've narrowed the meeting times down to june 2016 to November 2016 with no contact starting feb 2017).

There had been shopping trips where they walked and talked. sometimes about general stuff sometimes just about her troubles with me. he listened to her and told her things she wanted to hear.

there were lunches and dinners. sometime he paid for her, sometimes she paid for him.

he had kissed her. on multiple occasions

she had kissed him back. on multiple occasions.

he had told her he loved her.

she had told him she loved him.

he had tried to touch her breast on multiple occasions but she stopped that.

she swears i now know everything, that there had never been any sex. that he had never succesfully groped her or her him. she is dedicated to us, to doing whatever it takes to repair my trust, she is remorseful, she owns her mistake and takes all blame, she refuses to shift any blame on me.

But she let him take my place in our life! Went places we went, sat in my truck and talked to / kissed him. Told him she loved him!

Over the past week i have felt extreme mood swings...hate, love, fear, despair. jumping from one to the other sometimes in mere seconds. I do love my wife but how can i forgive? how can i forget? we read online about emotional affairs both together and separately.we share our findings and talk. she is transparent, she answers all questions without hesitation and without getting frustrated with my process. we find out not only what an emotional affair is but that there was physical contact (kissing) so it was a physical affair too even tho there was no sex. we find the affair was textbook to every description we find, both what had happened and what we are going thru now.

I've read alot of material since then, everything on husband help haven concerning emotional affairs. I am still reading everything i can find. we both want to survive this and we are both willing to do what it takes. her for her emotional affair and both of us to fix our relationship issues together like we should have done before the affair. i found out on Monday the 3rd, it is now friday the 7th and we and i know we have a long way to go to rebuild trust but we are confident and committed that we are on the right path and to stay on that path. i still have triggers (how can i sit in the same truck where they kissed?), mood swings, mind movies (so, so much worse than reality), everything that goes with being a betrayed spouse. on Monday and Tuesday i couldn't even comprehend a pathway to forgiveness. today i can envision that. i haven't yet done so, it's way to soon for that but understandng is coming. there is hope. forgetting is an issue i am still a little hazy on. those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it. i don't think either of us will ever forget, or that we even should. but i do think we can get to a point where there is forgiveness and there will be no need to open old wounds on a regular basis. Trust is something i will struggle with for a long time. How can i trust her again? How can i trust that she had disclosed everything? If i find out new information about the same affair that she didn't disclose how will that affect me and us? This and so many more things we need to work thru. Its going to be harder than anything we've ever done, but it's worth it.

But, know this:
I love my wife, unconditionally. I think I'll keep her.

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post #2 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 02:07 PM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

I wish I could say congrats, you're on the right track but (a) the fact that she trickle-truth's you and (b) too many people on here say the same thing (it never got physical/no sex) and find out differently doesn't make me optimistic for you.

Maybe you should talk to the guy, tell him your wife confessed and ask for his side of the story.

Trust, but verify.
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post #3 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 02:13 PM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

You found out Monday? As in 4 days ago? Give it time. The real hurt and anger will set inÖÖ

I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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post #4 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 02:22 PM Thread Starter
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I tried to get more information but he blocked me on Facebook and messenger and I have no other way to contact him. Also, while I am grateful that he told me, I question his motives. He obviously did it to hurt her, not help me, he is feeling bitter that she cut him off. How can I trust anything he says without proof? I'm also concerned what else he might do in an effort to hurt her,

Yes only 4 days ago. I'm well aware that there is a long road ahead. That's why it's title a success story so far.
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post #5 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 02:27 PM Thread Starter
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I did forget to mention there has been some serious hysterical bonding. And no there is no trust yet. I've told her many times that I accept that she told me everything but don't fully believe that yet and explained why I had a hard time believing there was no further physical actions. I'm there guys. It's only been 4 days so if you really have experienced this you probably know my mindset at this point. I am steadfastly avoiding false recovery.
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post #6 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 02:36 PM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

Physical interaction means sex, and if she's telling you otherwise, she's lying.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #7 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 02:47 PM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

Have you been through it before? If not, you have no idea what youíre in for. Iím 3.5 months out from discovery of my husbands MOST RECENT betrayal. There have been several. Heís 1.5 years out from the discovery of the whole truth of what happened with mine, almost 4 years out from the initial discovery that I did SOMETHING just unclear what all I did. Neither of us is ďoverĒ it. Not even CLOSE to trust. Not even thinking about it. Heís going to play cards tonight, Iím skeptical. Iím going with my best friend early tomorrow morning to help her pick out a dress for a fancy dinner sheís going to (my BFF is a tomboy, doesnít wear dresses, but has to for this). Heís skeptical thatís where Iím going. He canít tell me he loves me. I donít WANT to tell him I love him. There isnít a day that goes by that I donít think about what he did. Hysterical bonding wore off and now if he doesnít want it every day I wonder if heís getting it somewhere else. I still cry almost every day and I want his AP to get hit by a bus. The hatred and disgust I feel towards her is unreal. So deep it scares me.

Please be assured. You DONíT have the full story. And when more comes out, youíll be back to square one, even worse than before.

I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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post #8 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 02:47 PM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

Sorry lildoc, but this was a full physical affair with sex. Want to know for sure? Tell her to get in the truck, when she asks where are you going, tell her you'll see. As you are driving, tell her you need to know exactly what you are forgiving her for. Tell her you think there is much more to the story, and you are taking her to take a poly. If she refuses, you simply say that your attorney will file the papers you filled out tomorrow. If she confesses, tell her she will take a poly to verify what her confession.

Next tell her to take you to OM's house, don't let her fool you, she knows where he lives and the shortest route to get there. Drive there and tell her that her story better match his. Then you can meet OM face to face, and then say, here she's yours, you won the lottery today.

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.
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post #9 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 02:50 PM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

Would a guy really get so worked up over a woman he didn't have sex with?
Would a guy who comes across as somewhat aggressive have an affair with a woman over a year and a half without sex?
He's comfortable posting inappropriate comments on the page of a married woman who's only allowed him to kiss her?
His comment on March 6th about being interested in what she has to say suggests he knows she would probably lie about the extent.

I vote she's still lying.
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post #10 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 03:01 PM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

Start dating.

Take pictures and post them to Facebook.

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post #11 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 03:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

I believe that he did give her something she felt she was missing and he probably used her vulnerability to try and get her into a physical relationship. I do believe that she cut him off before it went that far. The real life meetings only lasted 6 months not 1.5 years.

Would a guy get worked up if he hadn't had sex? Absolutely if he thought he was in love. He was manipulating her into a physical relationship using her vulnerability and she let him. All on her no doubt but it doesn't mean she had sex with him. She admitted she knew it was wrong and tried to get out but he made sly comments like you'll be sorry so she was afraid of being revealed, searching for a way out without hurting me that obviously didn't exist.

I sound like I'm defending her actions, I am not. She did have an emotional affair, she did kiss him and tell him she loved him. She did let him into her life in a role that was mine to fill. All those things are devastating and yes, if I found out she left something out after swearing she didn't I will run the other way because there will be no trust recovery at that point. We had a very strong marriage prior to our drifting apart and we know each other very well and this is not a serial case. Its been 4 days and I/we are still dealing with this and will be for years to come. I've decided my marriage is worth following the recovery path. I know it is going to take a long time if ever to trust her again. To forgive her. Never to forget. I never said this is going to be easy. So far this forum has been an extreme let down as it appears everyone is so jaded they assume everyone is a serial wayward and sex addict.
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post #12 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 03:06 PM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

You are deeply hurt and desperately want to relieve the hurt and you will probably compromise because you need relief. Your wife has betrayed you and you will have some permanent damage even if you have a successful reconciliation.

If you think that you need more information and she said that she will do anything for you; have her take a polly. Frankly, you already have enough information to know that she betrayed you, rejected you and replaced you with the OM. Even if you find out that she did not have sex with him, you can bet that she dreamed and fantasied about it.

Do not expect to have a great marriage but work towards a good marriage with limited damage in the areas of trust and admiration. Make sure that you depend on yourself to build yourself back up as she has proven that she does not have your best interest at heart. Become as self-sufficient as possible!

I am not trying to discourage you from reconciling but you will have to face the truths as I have described above sometime in the future
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post #13 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 03:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

Originally Posted by ConanHub View Post
Start dating.

Take pictures and post them to Facebook.
What kind of advise is this? I think Ive come to the wrong place.
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post #14 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 03:09 PM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

An adult woman that admits to being in love with a guy and kissing him, is doing far more than that. Think about it this way...single women on the dating scene will often sleep with a guy they just met, often within the first few dates while they are just getting to know him. So you can imagine that if she feels like she in love with him it's logical that she's having porn star sex with him, assuming there is any private time that they are together.

My ex-wife had an emotional/physical affair. When I confronted her she lied to my face, swore up and down they never had sex, and that I was crazy for thinking it. However, while she was saying that I had a voice-activated recorder in my possession that had an audio of her having sex with him. It is NORMAL for a wayward to try to cover up to minimize the damage, especially if they are finding out that it is working to appease their trusting spouse. She's playing you and you are buying it hook, line, and sinker.

My suggestion is for you to take your wife's phone (without asking her) and text him directly, pretending to be your wife. Tell him that LilDoc is suspicious and doesn't believe that it's only an emotional affair and that they never had sex. Then see what his response is.

I sincerely hope I'm wrong. But that would be beating the odds.

Last edited by Bananapeel; 04-07-2017 at 03:16 PM.
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post #15 of 50 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 03:12 PM
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Re: My personal success story (so far)

What exactly is it that you've been 'successful' at? Burying your head in the sand? You haven't even STARTED the process yet, much less been successful at it. If you want true R, I suggest you start doing some reading here on TAM - maybe start here

Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

Originally Posted by LilDoc View Post
I love my wife, unconditionally. I think I'll keep her.
Allrighty then.

Look, I am sorry for seeming so skeptical, but................I AM, VERY skeptical. You make it sound like everything is sunshine and roses a week out. That is totally unrealistic and NOT sustainable, unless you do the ostrich thing.

You need an STD test and so does she. They met up THAT MANY times and you REALLY think he kept coming back for more..........nothing??? Do you REALLY believe that??

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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