I dont know what to do ..... - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 65Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 04:20 PM
Forum Supporter
 
blueinbr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 6,315
Re: I dont know what to do .....

Guy here. From what you described his actions and reactions are perfectly normal and common.

When you are attracted to a coworker.

blueinbr is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 04:23 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 74
Re: I dont know what to do .....

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
How old is she?

I could just be that she has a personality that livens things up at work and there is nothing between them. I've worked at places that were mind numbing boring. Then something changes, often someone new joins the team, and it completely changes the personality of the work place.

But it might be more than that.

What I suggest is that you do some snooping to find out if anything more is going on. A lot of people who cheat use their car as a private phone booth to talk to their affair partner. So hide a VAR (voice activated recorder) up under the front seat on his car. Use adhesive backed Velcro to hold it in place so it does not slide out while the car is moving. See if it captures any conversations that are not good.

Also, check his cell phone. See if he is communicating with one number a lot.


If you get any evidence that outs him having an affair, do not confront him right away. Come here and let us help you develop a plan of action. Often people will reveal that they have evidence immediately, without a plan. It is usually a huge failure because now their spouse knows to be more careful. So make sure you have enough evidence and have a plan before you let him know.

Hopefully you will find nothing and it will put your mind to rest.
She is 24 years old - she just got out of school. I've checked his phone and it seems to be all professional for now. I just don't want him to get back into his old habit of crossing boundaries since his cheating issues in 2012. And since all of a sudden he started to pay more attention to me and our marriage - it just makes me suspicious.
ConstantSpeed is offline  
post #18 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 04:24 PM
Member
 
Hope1964's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Alberta
Posts: 8,650
Re: I dont know what to do .....

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConstantSpeed View Post
And since all of a sudden he started to pay more attention to me and our marriage - it just makes me suspicious.
Be sure to know what to say in case he throws this back at you.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
Hope1964 is offline  
 
post #19 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 04:24 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 74
Re: I dont know what to do .....

Quote:
Originally Posted by blueinbr View Post
Guy here. From what you described his actions and reactions are perfectly normal and common.

When you are attracted to a coworker.
Yes-exactly. But he won't admit it to me.
ConstantSpeed is offline  
post #20 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 04:30 PM
Member
 
brooklynAnn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 1,291
Re: I dont know what to do .....

I would not say anymore on this subject to him. You watch and gather evidence. Let him know how happy you are that he is enjoying work so much more these days. Keep talking to him, ask about his day. Be more attentive to him and return his affection. Kill the man with love. Don't give his blossoming feelings at work fuel to grow, redirect it to you. Do things to bring him closer to you. Spent even more time with him. Keep at it and see how he responds to all of this.

But be ever watchful. Do not mention her. And reread Glass's book.
brooklynAnn is offline  
post #21 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 05:54 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 74
Re: I dont know what to do .....

Quote:
Originally Posted by brooklynAnn View Post
I would not say anymore on this subject to him. You watch and gather evidence. Let him know how happy you are that he is enjoying work so much more these days. Keep talking to him, ask about his day. Be more attentive to him and return his affection. Kill the man with love. Don't give his blossoming feelings at work fuel to grow, redirect it to you. Do things to bring him closer to you. Spent even more time with him. Keep at it and see how he responds to all of this.

But be ever watchful. Do not mention her. And reread Glass's book.
Ill try to do that. But I am always attentive to him. I basically cater to his every need when I can. I ask him about his day and for the details but he has been short with me and sounds annoyed when I ask him for more. To be honest this makes me want to pull back a bit a leave him alone.
ConstantSpeed is offline  
post #22 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 06:09 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,313
Re: I dont know what to do .....

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConstantSpeed View Post
Ill try to do that. But I am always attentive to him. I basically cater to his every need when I can. I ask him about his day and for the details but he has been short with me and sounds annoyed when I ask him for more. To be honest this makes me want to pull back a bit a leave him alone.
You would probably benefit from reading the book "Divorce Busting". Pay special attention to the chapter on introducing change into your relationship and the 180. It's not the 180 that is talked about on this forum (or the one linked in my signature block below. The 180 the book talks about is a custom one that you put together based the instructions the book gives you.
EleGirl is online now  
post #23 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 06:17 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 74
Re: I dont know what to do .....

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
You would probably benefit from reading the book "Divorce Busting". Pay special attention to the chapter on introducing change into your relationship and the 180. It's not the 180 that is talked about on this forum (or the one linked in my signature block below. The 180 the book talks about is a custom one that you put together based the instructions the book gives you.
Thanks EleGirl - I just ordered the book.
ConstantSpeed is offline  
post #24 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 07:04 PM
Member
 
shrah25's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 53
Re: I dont know what to do .....

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConstantSpeed View Post
Ill try to do that. But I am always attentive to him. I basically cater to his every need when I can. I ask him about his day and for the details but he has been short with me and sounds annoyed when I ask him for more. To be honest this makes me want to pull back a bit a leave him alone.
Hi @ConstantSpeed

Thanks for your messages and your honesty.

These sorts of experiences are extremely challenging (as you can testify), primarily because of the uncertainty and that's the part that often causes the most pain.
Guys are interesting creatures, even when they have a beautiful partner...

I've seen it time and time again. A guy is married, yet he is still 'hooked' to the emotions that he feels when in the company of another woman. It doesn't necessarily mean that he wants to cheat on them, it's primarily the emotion that he's hooked to.
The other thing that can be at play here is that he hasn't quite matured and evolved to the point where he stops craving this sort of attention. Lots of guys love it. Nothing makes a man light up than seeing a woman happy towards him and if this woman is doing this regularly through her bubbly nature, then he's going to enjoy her company.

Yes, he does need to evolve and mature - no doubt about that. What I mean by that is that he needs to get to a place where he recognises that the primary source of these emotions and feelings are through your relationship and that is the greatest source of love, joy and happiness in his life. It's great work provides some of that but it's only temporary - yours is permanent.

My personal opinion is different to others but one that i've seen work so many times - shape him through your love. There are two types of motivation that you can move forward with here - either fear or love. Fear simply never works in life in the long run. In this instance, when you are constantly on the lookout, fearful and afraid, that will naturally cause you to make different decisions and act in ways that wont necessarily be for the greater good of the relationship. When you are motivated by love, you engage the most powerful transformational force in life.

Am I saying don't keep a lookout? Am I saying don't keep an eye out for odd behaviour? Absolutely not. It's paramount that you set yourself standards on how you wish to be treated but the most important thing in my opinion is to try and shape him with your love and create an environment at home that far exceeds anything that he gets at work. If you do that again and again and again, then he is going to be singing from the rooftops about you. If you stay on edge all the time, and reacting from that emotional state, then it will only create more distance and hurt.

In the end, if he is not living up to this standards despite all the love that you continuously serve him with, then at the point, you can make a decision on whether he is the right man for you.
As one of the other posters stated, gather evidence but kill the man with love. Find ways to meet his needs at levels that he's never had before and you will have an absolute raving fan of a partner.

I hope that all makes sense.

Any questions, please let me know.

Thanks
Sri

Last edited by shrah25; 04-07-2017 at 09:57 PM.
shrah25 is offline  
post #25 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 07:37 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,313
Re: I dont know what to do .....

Quote:
Originally Posted by shrah25 View Post
Hi @ConstantSpeed

Thanks for your messages and your honesty.

These sorts of experiences are extremely challenge (as you can testify), primarily because of the uncertainty and that's the part that often causes the most pain.
Guys are interesting creatures, even when they have a beautiful partner...

I've seen it time and time again. A guy is married, yet he is still 'hooked' to the emotions that he feels when in the company of another woman. It doesn't necessarily mean that he wants to cheat on them, it's primarily the emotion that he's hooked to.
The other thing that can be at play here is that he hasn't quite matured and evolved to the point where he stops craving this sort of attention. Lots of guys love it. Nothing makes a man light up than seeing a woman happy towards him and if this woman is doing this regularly through her bubbly nature, then he's going to enjoy her company.

Yes, he does need to evolve and mature - no doubt about that. What I mean by that is that he needs to get to a place where he recognises that the primary source of these emotions and feelings are through your relationship and that is the greatest source of love, joy and happiness in his life. It's great work provides some of that but it's only temporary - yours is permanent.

My personal opinion is different to others but one that i've seen work so many time - shape him through your love. There are two types of motivation that you can move forward with here - either fear or love. Fear simply never works in life in the long run. In this instance, when you are constantly on the lookout, fearful and afraid, that will naturally cause you to make different decisions and act in ways that wont necessarily be for the greater good of the relationship. When you are motivated by love, you engage the most powerful transformational force in life.

Am I saying don't keep a lookout? Am I saying don't keep an eye out for odd behaviour? Absolutely not. It's paramount that you set yourself standards on how you wish to be treated but the most important thing in my opinion is to try and shape him with your love and create an environment at home that far exceeds anything that he gets at work. If you do that again and again and again, then he is going to be singing from the rooftops about you. If you stay on edge all the time, and reacting from that emotional state, then it will only create more distance and hurt.

In the end, if he is not living up to this standards despite all the love that you continuously serve him with, then at the point, you can make a decision on whether he is the right man for you.
As one of the other posters stated, gather evidence but kill the man with love. Find ways to meet his needs at levels that he's never had before and you will have an absolute raving fan of a partner.

I hope that all makes sense.

Any questions, please let me know.

Thanks
Sri
Would you give the same guidance to a man whose wife was cheating and looking for attention from other men?

EleGirl is online now  
post #26 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 08:00 PM
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 35,250
Re: I dont know what to do .....

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConstantSpeed View Post
Why couldn't he just want to work on our marriage because he want to not because there is someone new at work. What happens when she leaves this job? My marriage and his attitude is in the dumps again? I don't know...
It's possible that she has no intentions on him (most young women don't like older men) and that her strong family values have rubbed off on him. Before, he used you as his verbal punching bag - the human that he felt comfortable *****ing at because, well, that's a woman's role (to make a man's life better). And it's possible he's griped about you and she's made him realize all that you do for him and that he should be more grateful.
turnera is offline  
post #27 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 11:00 PM
Registered User
 
DepressedDiva's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: East coast
Posts: 19
Re: I dont know what to do .....

Quote:
Originally Posted by ConstantSpeed View Post
She is an extremely religious Jehovah witness so that I have nothing to worry about and that she is super young.
I'm not saying that your husband is unfaithful but I feel maybe it would be helpful to visit him on the job and meet this co-worker.

😕 the 'friend' that seduced my husband was 'religious' too - she insinuated herself into his life under the guise of a praying friend, asked for his phone number & email so she could pray for his sick wife (me) and send him prayers 😠
DepressedDiva is offline  
post #28 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 11:05 PM
Member
 
shrah25's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 53
Re: I dont know what to do .....

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Would you give the same guidance to a man whose wife was cheating and looking for attention from other men?
Hi @EleGirl

Good question :-)

The truth is that the same theme is applicable - that being, let love be your motivation, not fear. This is not necessarily an easy thing to do because our society conditions us in completely different ways. If someone is behaving in a way that society condemns, 'punish them' and then indulge in the pain is the natural instinct we have as human beings but we need to tackle this from a different angle. We need to have compassion. We need to have empathy and recognise that even though the behaviour is poor, there is often a little boy or girl inside that is in survival mode. We need to stop blaming and start taking a more heart centric approach to life. I've seen relationships that were completely on the rocks turn around when they made this shift.

Now each relationship has it's own nuances and intricacies and so it's not just a simple one size fits all approach, but with your intent being love, you can truly make some dramatic changes.
Despite saying this though - the intention of love also means that sometimes you have to set someone free because they fundamentally operating from a different values and rules base. This is also ok because there is no point in being in a relationship that is on the decline as each day passes.

Hope that makes sense.

Thanks
shrah25 is offline  
post #29 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 11:18 AM
Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Southeast
Posts: 3,156
Re: I dont know what to do .....

The big problem is he's breached your trust. It's on him to earn that back.

He's put you in a tough position.

IMO establish boundaries, etc. id make damn sure he knew the consequences if he crosses them.

Attempted Manipulation or idle threats will make this worse.

Maybe show up at his work for lunch unnanounced.
Marc878 is online now  
post #30 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 11:46 AM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 531
The fact that he yelled at you and became defensive when you expressed that his buying her snacks bothered you is a huge red flag, OP. It doesn't mean he's about to have an affair, but it does mean that he cares little about your feelings, and that's a problem.

Your husband is engaging in independent behavior, doing something he wants without care and regard for you. An EA or PA is the ultimate independent behavior and he's already done that in your marriage before.

I'd get a copy of Lovebusters and give it to him ASAP.

If I were you, I'd tell him that you want to create a better marriage with him, one where you show each other extraordinary care. You need help to do this because of his angry outbursts. Until he learns to stop having those, issues in your marriage will not get resolved.

You have every right to feel upset by his behavior with this co-worker. Your husband's reaction to your concerns is troubling, to say the least.
Jessica38 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome