I dont know what to do ..... - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #31 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 06:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I dont know what to do .....

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Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
The fact that he yelled at you and became defensive when you expressed that his buying her snacks bothered you is a huge red flag, OP. It doesn't mean he's about to have an affair, but it does mean that he cares little about your feelings, and that's a problem.

Your husband is engaging in independent behavior, doing something he wants without care and regard for you. An EA or PA is the ultimate independent behavior and he's already done that in your marriage before.

I'd get a copy of Lovebusters and give it to him ASAP.

If I were you, I'd tell him that you want to create a better marriage with him, one where you show each other extraordinary care. You need help to do this because of his angry outbursts. Until he learns to stop having those, issues in your marriage will not get resolved.

You have every right to feel upset by his behavior with this co-worker. Your husband's reaction to your concerns is troubling, to say the least.
I just ordered the book - thank you for that recommendation!

You so hit it on the nail! He does tend to have angry outburst so its hard for me to bring up issues that we have as I am a sensitive person and his moods/reactions effect me greatly.

I think you are also right that I don't think that at the moment that he will have an affair. My husband has been at this particular firm for the past 4 years. He has never purchased or given anything to any of the women that he works with- they are all married. This woman is single and young. It only took a few weeks for him to purchase something for her. I think I would have been okay if my husband had purchased and given snacks or anything else for that matter to the women that were married at his firm. But he has not. It just makes me feel uneasy.

Also, He just started working out this past week - in the middle to busy season . Which is kind of odd because my husband is a workaholic he always puts work first during busy season. He also just went to the eye doctor to get a new pair of eyeglasses. I have a feeling that I think I am going to start seeing him take care of his physical appearance more than he usually does.

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post #32 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 06:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I dont know what to do .....

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It's possible that she has no intentions on him (most young women don't like older men) and that her strong family values have rubbed off on him. Before, he used you as his verbal punching bag - the human that he felt comfortable *****ing at because, well, that's a woman's role (to make a man's life better). And it's possible he's griped about you and she's made him realize all that you do for him and that he should be more grateful.
You’re probably right. If I were 24 years old I wouldn’t go for someone that is 10+ years older than me. I would love to believe that he got inspired to be a better husband because of her religious background and values. But back in 2012 when was sexting a coworker of his, our relationship improved, he was being friendlier toward me, asking me how my days were, opening doors for me, coming home earlier to have dinner together, he managed to do a few loads of laundry for me, and he helped me walk the dog we had at that time among other things that were just foreign to our marriage at that time. He went the extra mile when he didn’t typically do those things. He was guilt-ridden. I'll try to be a little more positive though. I don't want to make him seem like he is a bad guy - our marriage has gotten better since. I still think it needs improvement - but it has gotten better.
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post #33 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 07:27 PM
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Re: I dont know what to do .....

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I just ordered the book - thank you for that recommendation!

You so hit it on the nail! He does tend to have angry outburst so its hard for me to bring up issues that we have as I am a sensitive person and his moods/reactions effect me greatly.

His angry outbursts need to stop before you can resolve issues in the marriage.

I think you are also right that I don't think that at the moment that he will have an affair. My husband has been at this particular firm for the past 4 years. He has never purchased or given anything to any of the women that he works with- they are all married. This woman is single and young. It only took a few weeks for him to purchase something for her. I think I would have been okay if my husband had purchased and given snacks or anything else for that matter to the women that were married at his firm. But he has not. It just makes me feel uneasy.

That's because you want boundaries in your marriage. This is totally reasonable, given that he's violated marital boundaries in the past. He has poor boundaries around women. Driving alone with a younger single woman would make many wives feel uneasy, especially when he's had an EA with a co-worker in the past. OP, I don't think he gets that he needs to show you that he has VERY good boundaries around women. He's buying her things and dismissing your concerns. His lack of regard for your feelings is concerning. He needs to be extra careful around other women, not pushing boundaries, which is what he's doing.

Also, He just started working out this past week - in the middle to busy season . Which is kind of odd because my husband is a workaholic he always puts work first during busy season. He also just went to the eye doctor to get a new pair of eyeglasses. I have a feeling that I think I am going to start seeing him take care of his physical appearance more than he usually does.

Do you want to live like that? I wouldn't. In marriage, you put your spouse first. He doesn't have to agree with you that he shouldn't be behaving this way with his co-worker- he just has to stop doing it because it bothers you.
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post #34 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 09:30 PM
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Re: I dont know what to do .....

I agree. Was he allowed to yell at his mother? I doubt it. And if he was, RUN! Next time he yells at you, look at him calmly and say "I don't deserve to be treated like that" and turn around and walk out of the room. That is how you stop the yelling. And teach him to respect you.
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post #35 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 09:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I dont know what to do .....

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I agree. Was he allowed to yell at his mother? I doubt it. And if he was, RUN! Next time he yells at you, look at him calmly and say "I don't deserve to be treated like that" and turn around and walk out of the room. That is how you stop the yelling. And teach him to respect you.
Thanks Turnera! I am going to try that next time.
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post #36 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 03:09 AM
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Re: I dont know what to do .....

Try this "when you shout at me it tends to make me nervous and then I might not be able to fully understand what you are trying to say to me. If you stop shouting at me, I am sure this will help us to communicate better."

If he does not stop shouting just say "OK". And walk away.

Also try this "Do you speak to your work colleagues like this?"

If the answer is yes reply "Please remember I am not your colleague I am your wife. I expect more respect."

If the answer is no then say "Please treat me with at least the same respect you show your colleagues."


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post #37 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 05:37 AM
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Re: I dont know what to do .....

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Try this "when you shout at me it tends to make me nervous and then I might not be able to fully understand what you are trying to say to me. If you stop shouting at me, I am sure this will help us to communicate better."

If he does not stop shouting just say "OK". And walk away.

Also try this "Do you speak to your work colleagues like this?"

If the answer is yes reply "Please remember I am not your colleague I am your wife. I expect more respect."

If the answer is no then say "Please treat me with at least the same respect you show your colleagues."
This is excellent advice.If I could like this a thousand times I would.
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