I dont know what to do ..... - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #1 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 03:33 PM Thread Starter
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I dont know what to do .....

I have been married since 2010. Weíve been together for 13 years . I am 35 years old and he is 36 years old. After about 1.5 years of marriage I caught my husband sexting with a woman at his work place that was located across the country. At the time I found out that they were sexting 2 years before we got married and then when we got married they decided to stop. Then it started up again about 1.5 years into our marriage. I had no idea at the time and I had left him for three months. He begged and pleaded that he would never do it again Ė he went to counseling for a bit. I told him he needed to get a different job and he ended up getting another job at a firm in 2012. He is currently at this job.

So noooow... There is a 24-year-old girl that got hired back in November 2016. I noticed a difference in his attitude of work when he would come home from work . He would normally come home and complain about all the extra work that he must do, all the mistakes he comes across, and how dumb people are. In the flowing weeks that she was hired his negative talk decreased when he got home. I asked him if there was anything at work that he would like to tell me about because his energy was more positive lately. He said no. I told him that I like that he is happier to go to work but that I wanted to know why. I pressed him and asked if he was attracted to the new girl. And he started yelling at me that I donít want him to be happy at work. We got into a fight and I couldnít take him yelling at me anymore so I told him to forget I ever mentioned it. Months later, he mentioned that he had bought this woman some sunflower seeds because they were joking about cracking sunflower seeds to annoying one of the managers. Which I told him bothered me and I donít want him buying her anything. He said that he always buys the guys there sunflower seeds so he didnít see anything wrong with it.

Just recently he had the opportunity to work with her one -on Ė one and they traveled in the same car for an hour to a job site and she was his helper to manage the job he is working on. Every night he came home he was glowing, I kid you not. Glowing with positive energy. I grew more suspicious and asked him again about her and he said that I just needed to meet her because she is not like that at all. She is an extremely religious Jehovah witness so that I have nothing to worry about and that she is super young. One time she even drove separately to go a nearby church because she wouldnít have made it if they drove back together. He described her as being super bubbly.

In the couple of weeks that he has worked closely with her. My husband has tried to put more in effort into our marriage. He left me a couple of voice mails and told me he loved me. He never leaves me voicemails. My primary love language is words of affirmation and he has known this since our issues back in 2012. He compliments me maybe two to three time a week. Now he tries to compliment me A LOT more recently like two to three times a day. We had sex three times in one week when it is normally once a week. Normally when he asks me how my day was and Iím like it was a good day. Now he has been more inquisitive about what I did during the day. Now he asks well what did you do and asks for details.

I donít know what to do. I know mentally I am starting to distance myself from him. I am glad that he is happy at work and that it feels like he is putting more effort into our marriage but not happy that it is because he is interacting with this new girl. Maybe it is all professional and I am just overeacting. I know I am sensitive to these things because of our past. I wanted to get some feedback. But I donít want to act like a jealous nagging wife. But I do want to catch something early before itís too late on his part I am not too sure that she would reciprocate. I know I canít take another betrayal from him. Can someone please give me some perspective on this?

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post #2 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 03:43 PM
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Re: I dont know what to do .....

For this to get to the point it's at right now makes me think that you guys didn't put anywhere near enough work into things the first time. Have you both read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass? If not, get it RIGHT NOW and read it.

You should be able to tell him that what he is doing is unacceptable and he should accept that it is, as a direct result of what HE did a few years ago. THIS IS THE NEW REALITY after you've cheated. You DO NOT GET to be 'buddies' with an opposite sex co worker. The fact he thinks he can tells me he isn't remorseful for what he did the first time around. And if it is all in fact innocent, he should be BENDING OVER BACKWARDS to help you feel better about the whole thing.

If I were you I wouldn't even bother to gather any more evidence. I would tell him straight up that this is a dealbreaker for you. He CAN NOT act this way, EVER, and if he doesn't agree it's D time.

I know that, in my own life, right now, 7 years into R with a truly remorseful husband, if I told him, EVEN TODAY, that I was uncomfortable with a relationship he had with a woman - whatever woman, coworker, hairdresser, WHOEVER - he would do everything within his power to set my mind at ease. He wouldn't get mad or accuse me of not trusting him or try to just convince me it was all innocent. None of that would fly and he knows it.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #3 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 03:46 PM
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Re: I dont know what to do .....

How old is she?

I could just be that she has a personality that livens things up at work and there is nothing between them. I've worked at places that were mind numbing boring. Then something changes, often someone new joins the team, and it completely changes the personality of the work place.

But it might be more than that.

What I suggest is that you do some snooping to find out if anything more is going on. A lot of people who cheat use their car as a private phone booth to talk to their affair partner. So hide a VAR (voice activated recorder) up under the front seat on his car. Use adhesive backed Velcro to hold it in place so it does not slide out while the car is moving. See if it captures any conversations that are not good.

Also, check his cell phone. See if he is communicating with one number a lot.


If you get any evidence that outs him having an affair, do not confront him right away. Come here and let us help you develop a plan of action. Often people will reveal that they have evidence immediately, without a plan. It is usually a huge failure because now their spouse knows to be more careful. So make sure you have enough evidence and have a plan before you let him know.

Hopefully you will find nothing and it will put your mind to rest.
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post #4 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 03:48 PM
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Re: I dont know what to do .....

Please read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. What you are experiencing is classic development of an EA...emotional affair.

Read the book. It will help sort all of this and give you instructions how to work your way thru this. Good luck.
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post #5 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 03:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I dont know what to do .....

Yes, we've both read Shirley Glasses book back in 2012. I still have the book. I'll take it out and put it on his desk to read this weekend. Yeah, I think you are right, he wasn't that remorseful back then. So glad you think I am not overreacting!
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post #6 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 03:54 PM
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Re: I dont know what to do .....

I think your reaction is pretty normal if that's how he is acting at this time. But like Ele said, velcro a voice recorder under his car seat. Does not hurt to be vigilant.
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post #7 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 03:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I dont know what to do .....

She is 24 years old, she just got out of school. He texts her but only for work purposes. I just don't like that this woman is affecting my marriage. - Even though it is in a positive way.
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post #8 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 03:56 PM
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Re: I dont know what to do .....

I am not a morning person and for many years did not like my job due to my boss. My boss has since left the company which has made it better, but Iíve been stuck in a rut for a long time of not wanting to come into work which is a hang over from when she was here. But I work with HILARIOUS people. I come in just about every morning very blah, tired, not grumpy but surely not ecstatic to be at work, but within a half hour Iím cheered up and laughing because my department is just that fun to be around. Iíve laughed so hard my stomach hurt twice today. I bought my male coworker Mexican last week because I had a gift card, but couldnít leave for lunch that day. So I bought his lunch as payment for going to pick it up for me since I couldnít leave. I bring donuts in to work once a month. I get a chocolate cream stick for one male coworker, a white frosted sprinkle donut for another male coworker and 2 maples for the ladies.

I think you have reason to be suspicious as he has cheated in the past. But right now, I think youíre at the verify stage. I wouldnít over react yet. But as Hope says Ė he should be setting your mind at ease. If he doesnít, I would start watching closer, silently.

I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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post #9 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 03:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I dont know what to do .....

Why couldn't he just want to work on our marriage because he want to not because there is someone new at work. What happens when she leaves this job? My marriage and his attitude is in the dumps again? I don't know...
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post #10 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 04:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I dont know what to do .....

He is not that great at setting my mind at ease . He is better at setting his coworkers minds at ease though. He just gets defensive about her when I bring her up.

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post #11 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 04:09 PM
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Re: I dont know what to do .....

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Originally Posted by ConstantSpeed View Post
He is not that great at setting my mind at ease . He is better at setting his coworkers minds at ease though. He just gets defensive about her when I bring her up.
See, this isn't acceptable. He's minimizing your feelings which is the LAST thing a WS should be doing, no matter how many years it's been since they cheated!

Don't just put the book on his desk. Read it again yourself, and pay attention to the walls and windows stuff, and then TALK to him. I find that the way I approach my husband can make a difference. Don't accuse him or use 'you' statements or do any of that stuff (if you know Gottman, don't use the harsh start ups), and if he starts getting defensive just calmly tell him that this is VERY important he he has GOT to listen to you.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
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post #12 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 04:11 PM
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Re: I dont know what to do .....

@LosingHim, I totally get what you are saying. My H does the same with his coworkers. He buys the receptionist at his job lunch every week because she makes his life easier at work. I totally get that, she is a sweet girl. I know my H well and he knows where his boundaries are.

I think that CS here is worried that he might fall back into old behavior and repeat the pattern. He has a history.
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post #13 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 04:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I dont know what to do .....

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Originally Posted by Hope1964 View Post
See, this isn't acceptable. He's minimizing your feelings which is the LAST thing a WS should be doing, no matter how many years it's been since they cheated!

Don't just put the book on his desk. Read it again yourself, and pay attention to the walls and windows stuff, and then TALK to him. I find that the way I approach my husband can make a difference. Don't accuse him or use 'you' statements or do any of that stuff (if you know Gottman, don't use the harsh start ups), and if he starts getting defensive just calmly tell him that this is VERY important he he has GOT to listen to you.
Thank you Hope! I appreciate your feedback!
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post #14 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 04:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I dont know what to do .....

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Originally Posted by brooklynAnn View Post
@LosingHim, I totally get what you are saying. My H does the same with his coworkers. He buys the receptionist at his job lunch every week because she makes his life easier at work. I totally get that, she is a sweet girl. I know my H well and he knows where his boundaries are.

I think that CS here is worried that he might fall back into old behavior and repeat the pattern. He has a history.
Yes! BrooklynAnn you understand!
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post #15 of 37 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 04:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I dont know what to do .....

You guys are so helpful!
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