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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 08:06 PM Thread Starter
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Husband revealed emotional affair

Hi all, husband and I are 23 and have been married a year. We have a 5 month old. We had a rocky start as this was his first serious relationship. I'm a Christian and my husband was not when we married. Earlier this week he decided on his own to convert to Christianity. As part of that, he must confess his sins.

He revealed to me that 7 months ago he had an emotional affair that almost turned physical but didn't because he didn't want to actually cheat. I remember back then he was really late home from work a few times which made me worry back then but I chalked it up to pregnancy hormones. He said that it was because he stayed late talking to her. He was a manager at his restaurant and she came in a lot to stare at him. He said finally he went over there and told her that he's married and nothing can happen, but they can be friends. She didn't like that but agreed.

The long conversations after work followed shortly after. I asked him if they talked sexual and he said he didn't, but she did. One time that he remembers, she told him that she wanted to give him a BJ. And his response was "oh really?" He admitted he was very tempted but didn't do it. He said also one time when he said he had to go home, she said "so you can take your temptations out on your wife?" He couldn't remember much more about it. I tried asking details on the conversations but he says they were just getting to know each other. Then he eventually got her to leave him alone.

When he told me, I was so devastated. I cried and was very depressed and heartbroken and felt very betrayed. The two things that were the worst part was that for one, he hid this from me all that time. Because any time I've done ANYTHING wrong (I.e. Talked to an ex at all or met up with a male friend) I told him immediately that day. It was like my honesty was shoved back in my face. For two, recently a friend of his wanted me to come to a Mary Kay party. I was going to go and bring my best friend, but she got too pushy about wanting to know if we were coming several days in advance which turned me off. Guess who the emotional affair was with? I felt like such an idiot. He says he knows it was F'ed up. He says he couldn't bear to lose me if he told me back then. He was super apologetic and helped a lot.

I was depressed that day, but got over it and had hysterical bonding that night to help. It did. Today we went to the restaurant they met in which brought up questions. I Wanted to talk about my feelings and ask my questions, such as "how many times did you stay after for her?" "Why did you want a bj from her when I am willing to give you one every night if you want?" Etc. He apologized at first, then got upset that I kept on. He said he doesn't want to talk about it. I told him that wasn't fair, when I need this to help heal. He got mean about it. My friends say that since it's his confession and he was a different person, I need to drop it and let it go. But I just can't. He hid it for so long, and I JUST found out about it. Why can't I do what I need to do to heal? Anyway, he seemed sorry for getting upset about it when we got home.

Anyway, just wondering if I'm in the wrong for bringing it up too much or he's in the wrong for not being sensitive to what I need in order to heal. Thanks everyone.

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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 08:48 PM
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Re: Husband revealed emotional affair

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Originally Posted by Tennwife93
Anyway, just wondering if I'm in the wrong for bringing it up too much or he's in the wrong for not being sensitive to what I need in order to heal. Thanks everyone
Why did the two of you go to the restaurant where he carried out his EA? That place is a trigger and the two of you should never go there. Whose idea was it for you to go there?

You are not wrong to bring it up. You were in a place that is a trigger. It was, of course, on your mind. If you cannot share what's on your mind with him, then what's the point of the relationship?

That said, there is a balance that has to be achieved. You need to be able to ask the questions over and over until you no longer have a need to ask them. It's part of the healing process. He needs to answer them truthfully, patiently, over and over until you stop asking. But.... you have not make sure that you are not using the affair as a way to attack him verbally. You have to make it safe for him to tell you the truth.


So he says that he had an emotional affair with your best friend?

Did he know what she was your best friend before the EA started?
Why were you going to a party with her if you knew she has an EA with him?

All the things you need to know about how to heal your marriage from an affair, even an EA, would take a long time to type out here. So a good way for you to learn this is to get some books and the two of you read them. You can still post here if you want and we can help you. But with you having this background, it will be much easier to help you. Plus your husband needs to read them.

The following book will tell both of you a lot about affairs and what both of you need to do so that you can both heal form the affair. Your husband, as the cheater, has a lot that he has to do. But it's not all on him.

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley P. Glass

These two books are about how to rebuild your marriage to make it as affair proof as possible.

For example for you his cheating in a love buster... it kills your love for him. So he has to know this and in the future he has to do what it takes to make sure he is never in a situation again to have any kind of affair. For example is that situation were to happen again, he has to avoid the woman and tell you about it immediately.

"Love Busters and "His Needs, Her Needs" both by Dr. Harley (see links in my signature block below)

Last edited by EleGirl; 04-08-2017 at 06:24 PM.
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 12:17 PM
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Re: Husband revealed emotional affair

I'm going to go out there and say I think 22 year old guys are too young to get married in most cases. That said, to keep the marriage going, you two need to get educated on how marriages survive. MANY guys get wandering eyes when their wives get pregnant, for a variety of reasons. Start with the book His Needs Her Needs as mentioned above - read it together, a chapter each night. Then Love Busters. Do the worksheets. Get to know each other better.

One thing I see a lot is that young women often don't realize that men think quite differently, and what you think he should want or care about, he won't. He has his own whole set of wants and needs and thinks very differently from you. So your job is to start to learn what he does think, how he feels, and approach him from HIS perspective. For that, the book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus is a good read.
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 12:40 PM
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Re: Husband revealed emotional affair

A couple of things he has going for him:

He CHOSE to become a Christian, and CHOSE to confess this to you.

That tells me he is serious about becoming a better person, serious about his beliefs.

You are not wrong for having questions. You need to tell him he has two choices:
He can lovingly answer your millions of questions, and possibly have a wife who heals from the wound he inflicted; or he can shut you up and let this wound fester in resentment and have a broken marriage.

Which does he prefer?

I think your husband may be remorseful. People do make mistakes.
Was it physical and not just emotional? Likely.
BUT--- physical or emotional, he stopped it on his own. That takes more character than most people have.

I think you have a man that you may can work with.

He needs to help you heal.
So sorry you've been dealt this pill to swallow.
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 05:16 PM
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Re: Husband revealed emotional affair

Its so great that he has become a Christian, and its good that he has confessed to what he did, so many people don't until they are found out.
However he must realise that it will take time for you to come to terms with and heal from this shock, and that you will want and need to ask questions. The trust will take a long time to rebuild as well.

I wonder if you could both see a mature married couple in your church who you trust about this. Maybe they can support you both and pray with you a few times.
Or maybe some marriage counseling will help.

Last edited by Diana7; 04-09-2017 at 08:53 AM.
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 05:23 PM
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Re: Husband revealed emotional affair

Marriage counseling and counseling in general have been almost useless to me. Hard to find a good one. Much better to find a mature couple who you respect, in my opinion.

You two can handle this if he owns it.
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 05:25 PM
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Re: Husband revealed emotional affair

Converting to Christianity doesn't mean that there will be no more temptations. I think because you are his first and only serious relationship, that could present struggles. But, then there are people who have had a ton of relationships before marriage, and they cheat, etc. I think it's great that you're both being so open, now. Praying things stay that way for you both, and glad to see that he didn't let his temptations go further.
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 03:02 PM
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Re: Husband revealed emotional affair

@Tennwife93,

I have a practical suggestion. On your side, it is reasonable to have a million questions and want to have them answered. After all it's like a puzzle: he has all the pieces and when the puzzle is put together he doesn't like the picture it shows of him. YOU do not have all the pieces, because he has withheld some pieces from you in hopes that the picture will look better to you than it really is. So you ask questions to get the missing puzzle pieces. Makes sense, right? YOU will heal when you feel like you have all the pieces and can see the real picture.

On his side, though, it feels like constantly bringing up the thing he is ashamed of. Using imagery again, imagine if you stole money from your work and covered it up. Then, you had a change of heart and decided to confess to your boss and give them all the money back. Okay--good for you! You did the right thing! BUT the boss keeps bringing up your theft all the time...asking you how you did it and when...mentioning it in the newsletter along with your name and a photo...when all you want to do is forget that you acted like that and be forgiven!! In a way, in your heart, you would wish that they would stop bringing it up and stop shaming you in public.

Now I'm not suggesting you should just rugsweep this and stop asking questions, but I did think it would be wise to have an idea of life in his shoes. After all, you two are married and no longer two, but one! That means you're united. Let him hear about the puzzle and the missing pieces and likewise tell him about he stealing money and let him know that you don't understand but sort of can imagine what it might be like.

And then here is the practical suggestion: I suggest that you two AGREE TOGETHER on a set amount of time, once a day, when you can ask ANY QUESTION YOU NEED TO ASK and he will answer it fully and honestly. So for example, you two might agree that every day, at breakfast, you will both have a cup of coffee and do questions for 45 minutes. Then you have the healing of being able to get those missing pieces, and he has the encouragement that it won't turn into an hours-long inquisition and screaming fight. YOU can say to yourself "I need this question answered and I can ask it _____" and he can say to himself "I will answer her thoroughly for these 45 minutes and then we both agree to stop. It won't go on forever and I won't be shamed forever."

Now you can do it any time of day that you two consistently have time together, but I suggest these thoughts: 1) you may not want to "start your day" with this Q&A time because it starts the day off on a sour feeling; 2) you may not want to "end your day" with this Q&A because it may lead to bedtime feeling like you are at odds. Dinner time, if you two are together, is an ideal time, but if he's in restaurant business, I suspect earlier or mid-day may fit your schedules better. I recommend that you literally set a timer when you start, and when that timer goes off, that BOTH OF YOU discipline yourself to really stop. BOTH OF YOU thank your spouse and remind them that you LOVE THEM and will treat them in a loving way today Again, the idea is to not dwell in the past, but not avoid it either--address it and live in the present.

Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this! * Weightlifter's Evidence Gathering Post for Newbies * The Man Up Nice Guy Reference
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 03:41 PM
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Re: Husband revealed emotional affair

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Originally Posted by Tennwife93 View Post
Hi all, husband and I are 23 and have been married a year. We have a 5 month old. We had a rocky start as this was his first serious relationship. I'm a Christian and my husband was not when we married. Earlier this week he decided on his own to convert to Christianity. As part of that, he must confess his sins.

He revealed to me that 7 months ago he had an emotional affair that almost turned physical but didn't because he didn't want to actually cheat. I remember back then he was really late home from work a few times which made me worry back then but I chalked it up to pregnancy hormones. He said that it was because he stayed late talking to her. He was a manager at his restaurant and she came in a lot to stare at him. He said finally he went over there and told her that he's married and nothing can happen, but they can be friends. She didn't like that but agreed.

The long conversations after work followed shortly after. I asked him if they talked sexual and he said he didn't, but she did. One time that he remembers, she told him that she wanted to give him a BJ. And his response was "oh really?" He admitted he was very tempted but didn't do it. He said also one time when he said he had to go home, she said "so you can take your temptations out on your wife?" He couldn't remember much more about it. I tried asking details on the conversations but he says they were just getting to know each other. Then he eventually got her to leave him alone.

When he told me, I was so devastated. I cried and was very depressed and heartbroken and felt very betrayed. The two things that were the worst part was that for one, he hid this from me all that time. Because any time I've done ANYTHING wrong (I.e. Talked to an ex at all or met up with a male friend) I told him immediately that day. It was like my honesty was shoved back in my face. For two, recently a friend of his wanted me to come to a Mary Kay party. I was going to go and bring my best friend, but she got too pushy about wanting to know if we were coming several days in advance which turned me off. Guess who the emotional affair was with? I felt like such an idiot. He says he knows it was F'ed up. He says he couldn't bear to lose me if he told me back then. He was super apologetic and helped a lot.

I was depressed that day, but got over it and had hysterical bonding that night to help. It did. Today we went to the restaurant they met in which brought up questions. I Wanted to talk about my feelings and ask my questions, such as "how many times did you stay after for her?" "Why did you want a bj from her when I am willing to give you one every night if you want?" Etc. He apologized at first, then got upset that I kept on. He said he doesn't want to talk about it. I told him that wasn't fair, when I need this to help heal. He got mean about it. My friends say that since it's his confession and he was a different person, I need to drop it and let it go. But I just can't. He hid it for so long, and I JUST found out about it. Why can't I do what I need to do to heal? Anyway, he seemed sorry for getting upset about it when we got home.

Anyway, just wondering if I'm in the wrong for bringing it up too much or he's in the wrong for not being sensitive to what I need in order to heal. Thanks everyone.


I've read this a couple of times, and I'm having a hard time understanding what he did that was exceedingly wrong. It looks to me that a member of then opposite sex found your husband interesting/attractive and tried to pursue him. Instead of flirting back, he was upfront with her that he was in a relationship and the most he could give her was friendship/friendly conversation. Then, after the conversations began to repeatedly go beyond the line of friendship on her end, he ended contact with her. It seems to me like he did the right thing. If he didn't mention it prior to "becoming Christian," maybe it just wasn't a big deal, especially if nothing physical happened.

Who used the term "emotional affair" (you or him)? I ask because this doesn't seem like an emotional affair to me. To me, an emotional affair is when both parties actually begin to have feelings for each other and confide deep emotional and personal secrets to each other. From your post, there is no indication this happened (although I am a little confused over the part about the Mary Kay party. Maybe you can elaborate on that). But based on the information available, I am inclined to believe that you may have overreacted to the situation. You mentioned a change in his attitude after the confession. My guess is that he feels like he's being punished for doing the right thing. Is that the message that you're trying to send?

One last thought on this. You've been a Christian your whole life. He only recently converted - and converted for you. Both you and he likely have a completely different set of moral values each other are used to. Try judging this situation based his standards, not your standards. You might see a slightly different perspective as to what went on here...

Good luck to you and your husband. Congrats on the new baby too!
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