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post #136 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 04:48 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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post #137 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 05:01 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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OP, ignore this bad advice from someone who couldn't be bothered to read the thread. Exposure is one of the most important tools in getting yourself out if infidelity and preventing her from pushing a false narrative where you're the bad guy instead of her.


So what happens when OP is all lovey dovey again with her and wants to include her in family get-togethers but nobody can stand her?


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post #138 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 05:04 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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So what happens when OP is all lovey dovey again with her and wants to include her in family get-togethers but nobody can stand her?


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I have come to understand the idea of ''exposing'' differently after reading some stories on here, now. It should be what the person is comfortable with. I don't think you need to broadcast on facebook that your spouse is cheating on you, to me, that seems like revenge. But, if/when asked as to why you're getting a divorce, I wouldn't hide the truth and I'd say ''x was cheating on me with the neighbor.''

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post #139 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 05:12 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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So what happens when OP is all lovey dovey again with her and wants to include her in family get-togethers but nobody can stand her?


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That uncomfortableness and the contempt of others is the price she needs to pay for what she did. Reconciliation, if the OP chooses that road, can't come cheap for her.


"If more people were judgmental, then maybe there would be less infidelity"
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post #140 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 05:27 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

I agree about the exposure if he reconciles or thinks he might want to. He shouldn't in this case. He should move on. She needs to own this. I'd tell both families.
She will surely put spin on it.

Op should NOT have to be a victim of any more of her lies.
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post #141 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 05:37 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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That always strikes me as ''I'm not sure if I can make it on my own, and since you pay the bills and I have a good lifestyle, not sure I want to give that up just yet. If I could have my marriage AND my lover, I probably would stay, no question. But, since I have to make a choice...hmmm, I'm so confused.''

Funny, she was only confused when she got caught.

Not sure why, but it seems like many people treat us women like we're children. We don't know what we're doing, we're confused, we need help, we are unable to make good decisions, etc etc. Meanwhile, if a woman were posting this, you wouldn't see the same responses towards the wayward husband. The OP's wife is an adult, and she knows exactly what she's doing. She CHOSE to have an affair. She CHOSE to betray her husband. No one accidentally falls into bed several times with another man. While she might need help, she is still an adult and needs to totally own what she did.
Yes, there are many men who also get the affair fog. But we are going by general situations based on experience and what has been provided by expert data. "Not just friends".

1 - More women than men, become emotionally attached to their AP.
2 - More men than women, are just in it for the sex.
3 - The AP in this thread has a history of cheating, he's a user. A player.
4 - When men cheat, they will attempt to stay in the marriage, twice as much as women.
5 - When women cheat, they will more likely leave the marriage than recover - about twice as much as men.
6 - While in the fog, man or woman - they are on a chemical high from the affairs. They do not see the reality of their actions.
7 - Affairs tend to hurt women more than men (emotional vs. just sex)
8 - A reason to tell the OM's wife about the affair is that its the #1 way to get him to go away. He'll run to his wife and beg for forgiveness. Showing the WW that all she was to her AP was a penis warmer.
9 - The people who are cheating (Men and women) are selfish, only thinking about themselves. They are hurting more than their SO, they are hurting their children.

Yes, she chose to have sex with another man. Why? Affairs happen to more than half of all marriages. 80% of cheating is not caught (likely ONS, very short-term affairs).
When there are cracks in a marriage - no matter WHO IT IS.. every ONE OF US, has the capacity to cheat. Most don't plan too. And when they do, their brain has to find ways to justify their actions. "She doesn't put out enough" "he doesn't hug me enough" whatever.

So what type of affair is important. An Exit affair = no chance of saving. Just sex = easier to fix unless it's a full blown narcissist. Most of us know how work-place affairs happen... most are by accident, but some are planned... some its sexual harassment.


If both the OP and his wife want to repair the damage, its up to them. If only one of them wants to save the marriage - then its toast.
If the OP wants to save the M, he will eventually need to ask his W what she wants. "If you don't want to try and save our marriage - then its time for you to go."

OP should go with his kids to the beach, etc. His wife should stay with her parents and sort out her crap. She shouldn't go. It'll give her a taste what its like to co-parent, not be with her kids. If he does this, he should also not give her much in a way of details other than "we had fun".

Of course, for the next few weeks, his emotions are going to be all over the place. Love her, hate her, stay, go, reconcile, divorce, my options, date other women, stay with a cheater, etc... and all of that can happen in 30 minutes.

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post #142 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 08:24 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

You and your wife knew he had affairs before and his wife did not?


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post #143 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 08:45 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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So what happens when OP is all lovey dovey again with her and wants to include her in family get-togethers but nobody can stand her?
You encourage them to forgive her, explaining why you have. If they cannot, you divide your time between them and her, and her involvement in family events is limited.
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post #144 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 09:16 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

check with your kids. As a soulless as she is, in preparation for any outcome, she may be already planting seeds of hate against you in your kids. Who the hell she is to advise you not to leave home or anything. if it come to that ask her to leave as she so balantantly broke the vows
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post #145 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 09:54 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

JDA79, sorry about your marriage. You would be wise to consider the advise here. We've BTDT. There's much for you to learn and I'll add my two bits ... be forewarned that because the other man's wife is informed it's likely the affair will be disrupted somewhat and your wife will enter a stage where she will be in a fog of indecision and grief of losing her affair utopia. If you are too connected to her you will be in for a grievous ride on the crazy train. It's a sort of limbo hell.

I suggest you take action to insulate yourself from limbo by learning and following the 180. You would also be wise to get some personal counseling from a good therapist that will focus on healing you instead of the marriage. Finally, get yourself a good lawyer like yesterday and follow his advise on how to protect yourself, children and assets. Do this even if you don't plan on divorcing her.

I can tell you that most of us desire to reconcile at first, but then we slowly realize the spouse we loved just doesn't exist any more and then we move toward divorce.

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post #146 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 02:05 AM
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Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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So I just checked my wife's FB messages and found out that my wife has been cheating on me with a neighbor. We have been married for 13 years and have 3 kids and I love her dearly. They have been texting for about 5 months and I think having sex for a couple of months. I read all of the messages and they were heartbreaking...talking about sex and stuff. She mentions in her texts she doesn't have love for me talked about divorcing me for him. When I confronted her about it, she was in shock I found out. I didn't lash out but told her how heartbroken I am. I asked her about when she was going to ask me for a divorce and she said she didn't know, she said it "comes and goes". I asked her if she would now pursue a divorce and she said she didn't know, "I'm in shock". I said if she wants to try and make it work, she has to break it off with him immediately. She said OK. AFter the confrontation, I check her FB message again and she told the other guy that I knew everything and asked I don't ruin his family. It seems my wife is his 3rd affair. I mentioned that I don't know what to do but have lots of thinking to do.

We are taking the kids to the beach in a week...not sure what to do about that now..


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post #147 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 02:14 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

But before some decisions you must got sold evidence


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post #148 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 02:25 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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So what happens when OP is all lovey dovey again with her and wants to include her in family get-togethers but nobody can stand her?


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In my wife's case that means she goes to my sister and begs for forgiveness. My sister hasn't really spoken to my wife that much, sis is civil with her but no longer seeks her out to converse. My wife is fully understanding of my sisters reaction to her. Not only did my wife have to prove to myself she has earned reconciliation, but she will need to prove to my sister that she will never hurt her brother in that way again. My wife needs to be the sister in law my sister knows she can be, prove that she will move mountains for the marriage, prove that she is fully remorseful.

OP needs to understand that exposing is not what causes pain, it's the choices of the two who cheat that cause pain. Had they chosen better OP's wife wouldn't be in this predicament she now finds herself in. All of the bombing and destruction caused by cheating and deception have a consequence. Sometimes exposure is good, in this case very good, but every cheating spouse should know that the lies can be unraveled, the affair brought to light, and that they will soon pay the piper. OP exposing his wife's affair to the OMW and his parents is light, he didn't go full scorched earth as he could have. Cheating has consequences, pure and simple.

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


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post #149 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 03:49 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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So what happens when OP is all lovey dovey again with her and wants to include her in family get-togethers but nobody can stand her?


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She made her bed...

The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.


The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
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post #150 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 05:43 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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jda79,



About the other affairs the OM has had, be sure to inform the Husbands of the OW, perhaps they can beat the heck out of OM for you.

Also get the name of a local polygraph operator to give to the other BHs.

Tamat



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