Just Caught My Wife Cheating - Page 14 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #196 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 04:56 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by Graywolf2 View Post



NEVER let her know that you know about this account.
This big huge lesson learnt for me. Never ever reveal your sources of Intel. Ever...make sh1t up if u have to but never tell them the truth....they will just use it to get around breaking NC

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post #197 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 05:20 PM
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I hope you aren't making the mistake of begging and pleading for her. Doing the "pick me dance" will just make you look weak and pathetic. It also pushes them farther away.

It'll take more than you wanting this to work.

It's a 2-5 year process with no guarantees and at this time she doesn't seem willing plus she'd have to carry the heavier load.

If you're weak you lose.
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post #198 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 06:05 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by jda79 View Post
Update:

It is now D-Day +4. I am down right sick still, and this still consumes my constant thoughts.

So Sunday, she spoke to my aunt for about 3 hours. Afterwards, my wife and I talked for about 45 minutes about the situation. She apologized and I think she meant it. She knows how devastated I am. We saw a marriage counselor on Monday. We liked her and we think she can help us.

Sorry for getting caught doesn't mean much. Don't let an MC blame you for her affair. You own 50% of the marriage. Your wife isn't perfect but did you have an affair on her?

Tonight, I plan on asking her the gory details as to how many times, etc etc. I just can't keep wondering about these things and need to move on. I don't want to have to keep wondering and then ask her months down the road (if we are still together).

If you can't get the truth R isn't possible

I plan on seeing the attorney tomorrow for the consultation.

Keep this just in case plus it says you mean business and aren't weak

I am also having a 1 on 1 session with my new counselor tomorrow.

I have not gotten the STD results back yet, I should get those later today.

Did she take any? If not and you do R it needs done.

I am also now spying on her and she knows I have no trust in her anymore. I have a video camera called the Logi Cirlce I got at Best Buy for the house. I also have a VAR that is in her car. She went on a field trip 1 hour away with our son today. Parents are not allowed to ride the bus so she drove separately. So if things are still going on with the OM, I may very well find out today given she is in the perfect opportunity to talk to him.

All cheating is lying, hiding and denying. You can't trust anything from her at this time. Smart move

I found out that she had another facebook account. He had used it Saturday morning to talk to her. I have been checking it regularly ever since but no messages.

I do want us to stay together. We both have major issues to work on, obviously her more than me. Hopefully MC will net results.

Understandable but don't let that keep you from doing what you need. Better think long term. Infidelity in a marriage never goes away. If you R you'll be accepting this fact.

If I so much as get a hint of the 2 of them are still talking, I will draw up the papers and serve her.
R takes two whole hearted. One can't do it. Better understand this upfront.

Last edited by Marc878; 04-13-2017 at 07:54 PM.
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post #199 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 06:08 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by jda79 View Post
No, the facebook account she has had. From what I can tell, she created it to look at someone who had blocked her. I do not believe she knows that I know about the account.

She says she didn't violate our bed, but did the guest bedroom, which is where she is now sleeping.
Cheaters lie a lot and I'd bet this is one. Other man was a player. Don't be shocked when you find out.

At this time you only know the "tip of the iceberg".

Sorry man
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post #200 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 09:10 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

@jda79, how are things going?

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #201 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 09:50 PM
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JDA, dump her like a hot potato and follow 180. Women respect only strength sir.
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post #202 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 02:13 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

After reading on these boards for a long time I think you should have an accurate idea of what you are dealing with. You will never get the marriage you had with her before this back. At best this will be a new marriage and the affair will always there in the background. You will never get over this if you stay with this women you will just have to learn to live with it. Her presence will be a constant reminder for a long time.

Go here and read the these peoples posts. This is probably the most accurate picture of what reconciliation is like. Many of these people have been on there for years. Understand that lots of these people and their spouses have been working for years and are still in deep pain.

There is a very good possibly that your wife has some very deep seeded emotional problem or possible mental illness. She will need to work very hard to fix this but first she has to acknowledge it. It won't work if she doesn't. She may never be able to completely fix it so you may have to learn how to live with it to a certain extent.

Right now you are making decisions partly out of great trauma which is understandable, it is probably better to make them after you separate from your wife and detach. Because of what has happened to you you are not in your right mind at this moment. Again this is why it is best to wait. Also unfortunately she may also be making decisions out of guilt and fear as well. Remember in her own words this started as an exit affair. If it's true that she doesn't love you as she said, after the drama of this situation dies down she will probably return to her ****ty ways. Many BS have this happen. I tell you this because at least now you are the one in control of the situation. If she decides to blind side you with divorce or cheat again you may not be the next time. This is a risk you should think about.

Your wife has done a horrible act, something that many people in this world could not do even to their worst enemy. In my mind that makes her a lower class of person. I don't mean status wise, I mean morality wise. Meaning she doesn't have the kind of shame and guilt that the rest of us do. This makes her emotionally dangerous and in my mind more susceptible to doing despicable acts. Make sure you understand that you are choosing to spend the rest of your life with someone who showed you the father of her children a complete and total lack of respect. She very well may be a narcissist. It's better for children to have two homes if one is safe and stable, then one where the stable parent spends all their emotional life consumed with the other who is destructive. If your wife truly is a narcissist or has some other form of mental illness such as borderline personality disorder, at lest if you leave and marry someone else they can see a healthy marriage modeled for them. Remember this is a woman was also capable of lying directly to your face for a long time.

On more question will you be happy about that 5, 10, 15 years from now. So many BS emotionally recover and realize what a terrible deal they took by staying. I tell you this because there is something you will learn is more valuable then even love in this world, TIME. You can fall in love again, there are many people you can fall in love with with. You will never get back the time you invest in this person. I suggest you think long and hard and make sure you are not operating out of fear. Or out of a love for a person who is now dead.

It is natural to want to save your family and wife. But your wife as you knew her is not coming back. The person you are committing to is a very different person now then the one you married. That is not going to change. 30 years from now she will still be the person who ****ed her neighbor in the guest room. Who stabbed you in the back for some tawdry sex. Better to come to terms with that and accept it then wait 30 years thinking the women you married is going to return. I know you want desperately for everything to just go back to the way it was, but it won't. Don't make decisions thinking it will because you will end up disappointed.

I know this is harsh, but it needs to be said. You are accepting a terrible deal. You deserve much better in life. There is much better out there. Look you are going to have to go through the pain no matter what. You may think if you stay together this will make the pain go away faster, but for most it may actually prolong it. So the choice really is -- Go through the pain and end up with the person who caused it. Or go through the pain and end up with the possibility of someone new and a fresh start, without all the garbage, monitoring, fear, triggers, sexual problems and all the rest of it that goes with trying to live your life who did something like this to another human being. You don't have to give up the dream of a faithful partner. But only if you give up this women.

Last edited by sokillme; 04-15-2017 at 10:31 PM.
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post #203 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 08:11 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by 3Xnocharm View Post
@jda79, how are things going?
In the first message, jda79 said:

"We are taking the kids to the beach in a week...not sure what to do about that now."

That may be where they (at least jda79 & kids) are now; so my guess you are not getting any further updates because they are not at home.
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post #204 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 08:00 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

OP,
If you are still checking this board I offer this for contemplation. In order for any R to be successful the WS must transform into a different person. They must "see" and fully understand what they have done and how it has damaged the marriage. Failing this R is not possible because they are the same person and therefore prone to the same behavior. Unless you see definitive, conclusive evidence that she has had this epiphany then R is not an option.

There are a couple of scenarios that can unfold if you decide to R. If she actually has the ability to see and understand, which is highly unlikely, then she will, of her own volition, be deeply remorseful, contrite and willing to do whatever it takes to heal your pain and to solidify the marriage. She will place more importance on you/the marriage/the family than on herself. This scenario requires a level of maturity that she does not seem to possess.

The other possibility is that, in her limited way, she does desire to stay but does not have a full understanding of what she has done to you/the marriage. She may be willing to "change" but in so doing she will not fully realize why she is changing and therefore will not apply it across the board. She will require, as does any child, to be told what is acceptable and what is not since she hasn't the ability to determine that on her own. In this instance you will become a quasi-parent to her, directing her in her path.

She will need to be told, no doubt repeatedly, what "choice" to make when faced with situations that could compromise the marriage. They refer to them as boundaries or limits but what they truly are are rules instituted to modify her behavior. This is an arduous path that may very well be fraught with setbacks and "slip ups". In this scenario trust in her is practically non existent since her ability to disseminate and extrapolate data and make the "right" decision, under the myriad of circumstances that life presents, is beyond her. Carefully consider this and be sure you want to spend the remainder of your married life directing her actions.
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post #205 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 08:37 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by Taxman View Post
Jda
I read on another infidelity site, that a member took the entire marriage bed, that she had cheated on, pulled it into their front yard for all the neighbors to see, and set it on fire. He told anyone who asked, the truth about what happened on the bed and his reasons for disposing of it in such a public manner. Thus in the space of an afternoon, every single neighbor knew what she had done. Seriously messed with her head, and dropped her out of the fog rapidly. It also resulted in most of her female neighbors keeping their husbands away from her.
Sounds a bit like the Scarlet Letter!

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post #206 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 11:14 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by Taxman View Post
Jda
I read on another infidelity site, that a member took the entire marriage bed, that she had cheated on, pulled it into their front yard for all the neighbors to see, and set it on fire. He told anyone who asked, the truth about what happened on the bed and his reasons for disposing of it in such a public manner. Thus in the space of an afternoon, every single neighbor knew what she had done. Seriously messed with her head, and dropped her out of the fog rapidly. It also resulted in most of her female neighbors keeping their husbands away from her.
Probably also went a long way in terms of ensuring that, in the case of a divorce, she wouldn't want to stay in the house.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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