Just Caught My Wife Cheating - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 03:27 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

Is this her first affair?

You need the kids to be DNA tested.


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http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
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post #17 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 03:35 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

I think you should contact the other spouse immediately. I would want to know and so would you. I agree with the others that you are going to come up with a plan that you can tweak along the way. You need to find out what you can deal with. After you expose to his wife you are going to feel more angry and the trickle truth will start. You can assess things after that.
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post #18 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 04:24 AM
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Cool Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by jda79 View Post
So I just checked my wife's FB messages and found out that my wife has been cheating on me with a neighbor. We have been married for 13 years and have 3 kids and I love her dearly. They have been texting for about 5 months and I think having sex for a couple of months. I read all of the messages and they were heartbreaking...talking about sex and stuff. She mentions in her texts she doesn't have love for me talked about divorcing me for him. When I confronted her about it, she was in shock I found out. I didn't lash out but told her how heartbroken I am. I asked her about when she was going to ask me for a divorce and she said she didn't know, she said it "comes and goes". I asked her if she would now pursue a divorce and she said she didn't know, "I'm in shock". I said if she wants to try and make it work, she has to break it off with him immediately. She said OK. AFter the confrontation, I check her FB message again and she told the other guy that I knew everything and asked I don't ruin his family. It seems my wife is his 3rd affair. I mentioned that I don't know what to do but have lots of thinking to do.

We are taking the kids to the beach in a week...not sure what to do about that now..
Time to truly "place her in shock!"

Get with a good piranha family law attorney and have them advise you of all of your custodial and property rights! Have divorce papers drawn up and plop them down in front of her! Also have yourself tested by your MD for the presence of any possible STD's!

Then take the kids off to the beach by yourself!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #19 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 04:45 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Thanks.

I have everything. Even took pictures of the messages on her phone.

I will let the other wife know tomorrow and show her everything.

You mentioned friends and family, should I let my family know now or wait?
Yes, tell everyone who will listen, her family, your family and all friends. Affairs only survive when they are in the dark, expose expose expose, then the thrill of the clandestine meet ups will disappear and the shame will keep her accountable.
Remember this is not your shame, it is entirely hers, hers to grapple with, hers to explain, hers to handle, not yours.
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post #20 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 05:38 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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We are taking the kids to the beach in a week...not sure what to do about that now..

You and the kids go. She doesn't deserve a holiday.

Let her stew alone at home while you guys are splashing about. Just remember to leave a VAR or a couple of GoPros on at home just in case neighbor-boy comes over for a quick one.
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post #21 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 05:51 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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You and the kids go. She doesn't deserve a holiday.

Let her stew alone at home while you guys are splashing about. Just remember to leave a VAR or a couple of GoPros on at home just in case neighbor-boy comes over for a quick one.
I'm sorry, but I don't think that's good advice, or even objectively true. It isn't for anyone to say who does and doesn't deserve anything, no matter who they are or what they've done. If he wants to leave her at home, he certainly can. It is his right entirely to decide whom he wants in his life. But that doesn't mean she's undeserving of a holiday-- or anything else, for that matter.

Believe it or not, affairs are hard on everyone, the wayward party included, and if she wants to be around her husband, and he's okay with being around her, she should join him. If OP doesn't want to bring her that is again his choice, but that doesn't mean she's undeserving of relaxation. Perhaps they can come up with some kind of compromise-- he goes to the beach, and she takes a staycation and has a spa treatment. Or maybe, they go together, but stay in separate hotel rooms.

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post #22 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 06:00 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by aine View Post
Yes, tell everyone who will listen, her family, your family and all friends. Affairs only survive when they are in the dark, expose expose expose, then the thrill of the clandestine meet ups will disappear and the shame will keep her accountable.
Remember this is not your shame, it is entirely hers, hers to grapple with, hers to explain, hers to handle, not yours.
Targeted exposure may be a wiser choice.

I believe one of the moderators here, @MEM2020, has written about this.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #23 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 06:08 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by EllaSuaveterre View Post
I'm sorry, but I don't think that's good advice, or even objectively true. It isn't for anyone to say who does and doesn't deserve anything, no matter who they are or what they've done. If he wants to leave her at home, he certainly can. It is his right entirely to decide whom he wants in his life. But that doesn't mean she's undeserving of a holiday-- or anything else, for that matter.

Believe it or not, affairs are hard on everyone, the wayward party included, and if she wants to be around her husband, and he's okay with being around her, she should join him. If OP doesn't want to bring her that is again his choice, but that doesn't mean she's undeserving of relaxation. Perhaps they can come up with some kind of compromise-- he goes to the beach, and she takes a staycation and has a spa treatment. Or maybe, they go together, but stay in separate hotel rooms.
And how is the OP responsible for this? Whether or not she needs relaxation is irrelevant, she stomped on his heart she doesn't deserve anything, especially from OP. So you're suggesting the OP treat her to a spa treatment? Ridiculous.

And besides, spending extra time on her back she should be rested.
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post #24 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 06:18 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by jda79 View Post
So I just checked my wife's FB messages and found out that my wife has been cheating on me with a neighbor. We have been married for 13 years and have 3 kids and I love her dearly. They have been texting for about 5 months and I think having sex for a couple of months. I read all of the messages and they were heartbreaking...talking about sex and stuff. She mentions in her texts she doesn't have love for me talked about divorcing me for him. When I confronted her about it, she was in shock I found out. I didn't lash out but told her how heartbroken I am. I asked her about when she was going to ask me for a divorce and she said she didn't know, she said it "comes and goes". I asked her if she would now pursue a divorce and she said she didn't know, "I'm in shock". I said if she wants to try and make it work, she has to break it off with him immediately. She said OK. AFter the confrontation, I check her FB message again and she told the other guy that I knew everything and asked I don't ruin his family. It seems my wife is his 3rd affair. I mentioned that I don't know what to do but have lots of thinking to do.

We are taking the kids to the beach in a week...not sure what to do about that now..
The bolded is likely key info a marriage counselor would use to bring your wife back to reality about this man.

Have you considered seeking guidance from a professional marriage counselor? Depending on where you live, it may be possible to have an "emergency" appointment today.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #25 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 06:24 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

Swift, decisive action is needed.
This may not be her first affair, regardless of how many the OM had.

Is DNA your hardon to make dire you have additional facts supporting your decision.


"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #26 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 06:56 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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And how is the OP responsible for this? Whether or not she needs relaxation is irrelevant, she stomped on his heart she doesn't deserve anything, especially from OP. So you're suggesting the OP treat her to a spa treatment? Ridiculous.

And besides, spending extra time on her back she should be rested.
Come now. You must at least be aware that your last sentence, at least, was soaked with scorn. People who commit affairs often do have a lot of conflicting and difficult-to-bear emotions, particularly after D-day. No, she is likely not rested at all. She's probably terrified at the upheaval of her life, and riddled with guilt because she knows she caused this upheaval.

You say, "She stomped on his heart; she doesn't deserve anything." It might be true that the original poster decides that she doesn't deserve anything from him. That is his choice and his alone to make. But people, all people, even people who stomp on other people's hearts, deserve happiness in some form or fashion. Even if the OP doesn't want to make her happy anymore, which is his right, it is also her right to make herself happy- not by having more affairs and hurting others, mind you, but by being kind to herself and to others, and treating herself gently. That involves such self-caring activities as spa trips.

I have serious trouble treating myself with any compassion or gentleness, and I cannot begin to recount the myriad problems this lack of self-love has directly caused in my life and the lives of those around me. I have also been on the receiving end of abuse from others. Some of them were merely misguided; most were outright cruel. I won't lie when I tell you that I often desire to see the worst of my abusers suffer, but I would never, ever act upon this desire and tell them that they don't deserve basic humanity, even with what they did to me. Perhaps if some of my abusers loved themselves, they'd not have abused me.

Self-love is vital. Rest is vital. Care is vital to the human psyche and no one, no matter how cruel, abusive, monstrous, or downright evil they are, should have these basic human rights denied to them, not only for themselves, but for the health of their victims.

Forgive me if this was a bit of a threadjack, but I've noticed on CWI, the humanity of offenders cannot be over-emphasized.

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post #27 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 07:09 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

Exposure will normally end the affair. Do not make the mistake of helping them hide their affair !!! It will just enable them to continue.

Do not tell your wife she will just warn him. Exposure should be done without warning.

You aren't harming other mans family he's already done that. The truth will fix a lot of things.

Sorry man. Do not offer your wife reconciliation at this time. It's a gift that you should not give out to easily. Or it will have little value. Never be someone's doormat!!! You need to take some time and think about what you want. Do not leave your home or your bedroom. You didn't do this.

Get strong quick. Weakness is very unattractive. The ones who can do that come out of these things best. Do not cry, beg or plead for her. It just pushes them farther away. Trying to nice her back will always have the opposite effect in these situations. Decide your own fate. Do not put your life, family and future in her hands!!!! You will have trouble seeing your wife for who she is. Try and stay out of denial so you can deal with this effectively.

As you've found cheaters lie, hide and deny. You can't trust her at this time.
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post #28 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 07:16 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by EllaSuaveterre View Post
Come now. You must at least be aware that your last sentence, at least, was soaked with scorn. People who commit affairs often do have a lot of conflicting and difficult-to-bear emotions, particularly after D-day. No, she is likely not rested at all. She's probably terrified at the upheaval of her life, and riddled with guilt because she knows she caused this upheaval.

You say, "She stomped on his heart; she doesn't deserve anything." It might be true that the original poster decides that she doesn't deserve anything from him. That is his choice and his alone to make. But people, all people, even people who stomp on other people's hearts, deserve happiness in some form or fashion. Even if the OP doesn't want to make her happy anymore, which is his right, it is also her right to make herself happy- not by having more affairs and hurting others, mind you, but by being kind to herself and to others, and treating herself gently. That involves such self-caring activities as spa trips.

I have serious trouble treating myself with any compassion or gentleness, and I cannot begin to recount the myriad problems this lack of self-love has directly caused in my life and the lives of those around me. I have also been on the receiving end of abuse from others. Some of them were merely misguided; most were outright cruel. I won't lie when I tell you that I often desire to see the worst of my abusers suffer, but I would never, ever act upon this desire and tell them that they don't deserve basic humanity, even with what they did to me. Perhaps if some of my abusers loved themselves, they'd not have abused me.

Self-love is vital. Rest is vital. Care is vital to the human psyche and no one, no matter how cruel, abusive, monstrous, or downright evil they are, should have these basic human rights denied to them, not only for themselves, but for the health of their victims.

Forgive me if this was a bit of a threadjack, but I've noticed on CWI, the humanity of offenders cannot be over-emphasized.
Right now this is about the OP. I can guarantee hes devastated.

His wife is only in shock of being caught. She isn't on the reveiving end of this.
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post #29 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 07:27 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

Beware of blame shifting. In most cases the cheater will try and justify their actions/affair. You're a bad husband/father, etc. an affair is not a mistake it's a conscious decision on her part because she wanted to. This took time, planning and effort on her part.

Don't fall for the lies and deceit. You didn't make her have an affair it is 100 % on her.

No one is perfect. She isn't either. Did you go out and have an affair on her because of it?
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post #30 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 07:39 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

So quick update.

I sent the OM a message last night saying to stay away from my kids. No threats were made. I logged into my wife's facebook from my PC and watched the conversation as he found out this morning. It was all I could do not to jump into their conversation. He feels guilty, he is a POS, blah blah blah. She says she is as much to blame. He asked my wife if she thinks I will tell his wife, she says she doesn't think so (they are in for a fun surprise today). She says she loved me but hasn't been "in love" with me. She told him she was completely honest with me. The OM says if I want to work it out, she should try. She says "How can I ever look him in the eyes again?".

I missed the rest of the conversation although it was mostly over as I went to talk to her again. I told her that if there is any remote chance for us to try to move forward, she had to cut all communications with him and I need her passwords (which I have). Her response was "ok". She said, "Regardless, I don't know if I still want to be married."

We talked a few more minutes but those are the highlights.
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