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post #31 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 07:44 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by EllaSuaveterre View Post
Come now. You must at least be aware that your last sentence, at least, was soaked with scorn. People who commit affairs often do have a lot of conflicting and difficult-to-bear emotions, particularly after D-day. No, she is likely not rested at all. She's probably terrified at the upheaval of her life, and riddled with guilt because she knows she caused this upheaval.

You say, "She stomped on his heart; she doesn't deserve anything." It might be true that the original poster decides that she doesn't deserve anything from him. That is his choice and his alone to make. But people, all people, even people who stomp on other people's hearts, deserve happiness in some form or fashion. Even if the OP doesn't want to make her happy anymore, which is his right, it is also her right to make herself happy- not by having more affairs and hurting others, mind you, but by being kind to herself and to others, and treating herself gently. That involves such self-caring activities as spa trips.

I have serious trouble treating myself with any compassion or gentleness, and I cannot begin to recount the myriad problems this lack of self-love has directly caused in my life and the lives of those around me. I have also been on the receiving end of abuse from others. Some of them were merely misguided; most were outright cruel. I won't lie when I tell you that I often desire to see the worst of my abusers suffer, but I would never, ever act upon this desire and tell them that they don't deserve basic humanity, even with what they did to me. Perhaps if some of my abusers loved themselves, they'd not have abused me.

Self-love is vital. Rest is vital. Care is vital to the human psyche and no one, no matter how cruel, abusive, monstrous, or downright evil they are, should have these basic human rights denied to them, not only for themselves, but for the health of their victims.

Forgive me if this was a bit of a threadjack, but I've noticed on CWI, the humanity of offenders cannot be over-emphasized.

Why defend a cheater so strongly? I was defending the OP, and I get attacked?

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post #32 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 07:53 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by jda79 View Post
So quick update.

I sent the OM a message last night saying to stay away from my kids. No threats were made. I logged into my wife's facebook from my PC and watched the conversation as he found out this morning. It was all I could do not to jump into their conversation. He feels guilty, he is a POS, blah blah blah. She says she is as much to blame. He asked my wife if she thinks I will tell his wife, she says she doesn't think so (they are in for a fun surprise today). She says she loved me but hasn't been "in love" with me. She told him she was completely honest with me. The OM says if I want to work it out, she should try. She says "How can I ever look him in the eyes again?".

I missed the rest of the conversation although it was mostly over as I went to talk to her again. I told her that if there is any remote chance for us to try to move forward, she had to cut all communications with him and I need her passwords (which I have). Her response was "ok". She said, "Regardless, I don't know if I still want to be married."

We talked a few more minutes but those are the highlights.
You had some good advice by aine. Her statement seems to want you to plead and beg. May take it underground as well.
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post #33 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 08:06 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by jda79 View Post
So quick update.

I sent the OM a message last night saying to stay away from my kids. No threats were made. I logged into my wife's facebook from my PC and watched the conversation as he found out this morning. It was all I could do not to jump into their conversation. He feels guilty, he is a POS, blah blah blah. She says she is as much to blame.

Yep, totally agree with them

He asked my wife if she thinks I will tell his wife, she says she doesn't think so (they are in for a fun surprise today). She says she loved me but hasn't been "in love" with me. She told him she was completely honest with me. The OM says if I want to work it out, she should try. She says "How can I ever look him in the eyes again?".

This is none of their business. Take your time and think this through. You go your own way.

I missed the rest of the conversation although it was mostly over as I went to talk to her again. I told her that if there is any remote chance for us to try to move forward, she had to cut all communications with him and I need her passwords (which I have). Her response was "ok". She said, "Regardless, I don't know if I still want to be married."

We talked a few more minutes but those are the highlights.
Your wife at this time doesn't seem like a good candidate for reconciliation. You find out yesterday and she is still in contact with her lover this am? Only time will tell.

Other man is just looking out for himself although your wife hasn't noticed that yet. Surprise exposure will probably end this as other man will probably throw her under the bus. Remember no warning!!!!!!!! Very important.

I would tell my kids at this time to stay away from other man. Just say he's a bad person do not go around him. IMO kids who are old enough should be told in a sanitized way. You don't want this to affect them (kids tend to blame themselves). Do not let that happen. This is their family/world too. Dont lie to them. Kids are smarter than you think and may have been seeing things that you don't know about.
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post #34 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 08:14 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

Ignore all advice in here from people trying to get you to accept partial blame. Your wife had a hundred ways to address problems in her marriage including marriage counseling and divorce. Sex with another man behind your back was not a valid one.

Your wife indeed does not need a vacation since she seems to have received plenty of fulfillment over the past few months. Take the kids by yourself. If she balks, tell her she can take a vacation with a man she's in love with, and children she hasn't deceived.

The "I'm not sure I want to be married" comment is a manipulation tactic designed to make you fight to win her back. She actually has not faced the reality of what it would feel like to divorce you and the agony that would ensue if this comes to pass. Ironically, if you do fight to win her back, she will take you for a fool and lose both respect and attraction for you. If you choose to be nice and accommodating to "nice" her back, she will also lose interest in saving the marriage. Anything other than swift, adversarial action will push her towards the other man.

Have divorce papers drawn up so that she can start facing her new reality. If you decide to reconcile and if she's capable of putting the necessary work in to reconciliation, you can cancel the divorce at any time.

Order the DNA test kits and allow her to witness you taking swabs of their cheeks. Even if you are 100% sure the children are yours, it's important for your wife to understand the full ramifications of broken trust.
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post #35 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 08:18 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

Your strength and actions are what will count at this time. Talking? Not so much.

Move her out of your bedroom, remove your ring if you wear one. I would consult an attorney and see what my rights are.

Your wife has zero remorse which means you have no chance at reconciliation at this time.

You jump into R or MC at this early stage you lose. Never be someone's doormat.

I would take the kids on vacation without her. She needs time to understand what her future looks like without you.

Weakness and fear will be your worst enemies at this time. You maybe setting the tone for the rest of your life and marriage. Do not let your wife play you!!!!

Read up this may help. It's a short good read
https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glo...r_Nice_Guy.pdf
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post #36 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 08:19 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Why defend a cheater so strongly? I was defending the OP, and I get attacked?
She's an XWayward.
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post #37 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 08:20 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

Through her actions and words after D-day, ithis was an exit affair. Sorry man, but you need to file ASAP. If she has a change of heart later, you can date and work on the relationship, but it's not likely.

She will more than likely be a repeat offender and have another AP because from the get go she knew this one had no future.

Her love for you is gone, probably for quite some time.

Her actions were very clear. She didn't even cover up things at all. Deep down she wanted you to find out that is why she didn't bother to hide it much.

I'm pretty sure her shock is because it took you too long to figure it out and your reaction was also perplexing to her because instead of saying it was over, you appear to be able to forgive the affair. She thought this would be a deal breaker for you.

She is being honest with you. She doesn't love you anymore. She doesn't want to be married to you anymore either. She, of course went about leaving you in the worst way. She unconsciously wanted to burn all the bridges.

Please file and grant her this unconscious wish.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #38 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 08:27 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

Here is an old post from a married man who often seduced married women. I think showing it to your wife could enlighten her.

My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.
1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).
2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.
3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #39 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 08:30 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

Tell the OM's wife, expose the affair to her family/friends before she can make up some story about you, and then YOU end the marriage. Do this quickly! I know this is still a shock, but your marriage IS over. She shows no remorse, and she's not even sure she wants to be married to you? The ONLY acceptable thing for you to do in this situation is gain the upper hand and tell her to get lost, YOU don't want to be married to her. I know you probably still love your wife, your life and your family... but none of that was real.

Sorry you're dealing with this, but you need to first blow this affair up, and then leave her ass. Soon she'll be left with nothing, and then she'll be struck with the reality of what she has done.
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post #40 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 08:39 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

Since she doesn't want to be married to you expose to everyone.


“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #41 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 08:41 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by jld View Post
Here is an old post from a married man who often seduced married women. I think showing it to your wife could enlighten her.

My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.
1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).
2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.
3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.
Damn, COLD BLOODED! Wow, this just makes me feel like such a beta male. I love sex, but I could never treat somebody this way!

I think if I found out my WW did something with the OM that she wouldn't do with me (anal, for example), that'd probably be it for me. Probably nothing she could do to make up for that, in my mind. She wouldn't even be worth the time I had to waste going through the divorce process with her.

OP, your concern is not the OM in this situation. Just expose it to his wife, and he will be dealt with properly. Your concern is your STBX wife, and doing what you can to get out of that marriage as soon as possible.
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post #42 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 08:48 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by jda79 View Post
So quick update.

I logged into my wife's facebook from my PC and watched the conversation as he found out this morning. It was all I could do not to jump into their conversation. He feels guilty, he is a POS, blah blah blah. She says she is as much to blame. He asked my wife if she thinks I will tell his wife, she says she doesn't think so (they are in for a fun surprise today). She says she loved me but hasn't been "in love" with me. She told him she was completely honest with me. The OM says if I want to work it out, she should try. She says "How can I ever look him in the eyes again?".

I missed the rest of the conversation although it was mostly over as I went to talk to her again. I told her that if there is any remote chance for us to try to move forward, she had to cut all communications with him and I need her passwords (which I have). Her response was "ok". She said, "Regardless, I don't know if I still want to be married."
JDA,

First, regardless of how you much your wife is infatuated with OM, he has or wants no long term commitment to your wife. She was just was a hot new piece of a$$ for him. The POSOM hustle will play any part, say any thing, to string along a married wife for sex. I know you have thought, "How could my wife fall for such a cheap hustle." Because you like most here at CWI married a woman who never left Fantasy Island. Da Plane! Da Plane. Bust his world up now, regardless of your intentions to R or D.

I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying... Andy, Shawshank Redemption.

Last edited by RWB; 04-08-2017 at 09:00 AM.
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post #43 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 09:04 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by jld View Post
Here is an old post from a married man who often seduced married women. I think showing it to your wife could enlighten her.

My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.
1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).
2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.
3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.
I've read this before. The guy was successful with women who had poor boundaries and likely cheated before. The bold part is not true in that case.
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post #44 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 09:07 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

Quote:
Originally Posted by jda79 View Post
So quick update.

I sent the OM a message last night saying to stay away from my kids. No threats were made. I logged into my wife's facebook from my PC and watched the conversation as he found out this morning. It was all I could do not to jump into their conversation. He feels guilty, he is a POS, blah blah blah. She says she is as much to blame. He asked my wife if she thinks I will tell his wife, she says she doesn't think so (they are in for a fun surprise today). She says she loved me but hasn't been "in love" with me. She told him she was completely honest with me. The OM says if I want to work it out, she should try. She says "How can I ever look him in the eyes again?".

I missed the rest of the conversation although it was mostly over as I went to talk to her again. I told her that if there is any remote chance for us to try to move forward, she had to cut all communications with him and I need her passwords (which I have). Her response was "ok". She said, "Regardless, I don't know if I still want to be married."

We talked a few more minutes but those are the highlights.
To be crude, most women can't be "in love" with anyone other than the guy that's regularly injecting her with baby batter.

Either way, the grass is greener where you water it.

By the way, her tone will likely change DRAMATICALLY once you expose the affair to OM's wife.

If, after you've done that, she changes her FB password, refuses further transparency or to cut contact w/ OM, that's when you take exposure out even further -- start with her family. No blasts on social media -- just her family. Do it from the angle that you're trying to save your marriage and family, and you need their help in getting through to her.

Simultaneously, you should probably start talking to divorce attorneys on the side (and unbeknownst to your wife).

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #45 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 09:08 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
She's an XWayward.
That explains it. Would make more sense for her comments if the OP's wife had posted about feeling guilty, then she could be told it wasn't her fault, she deserves to be happy, blah blah blah
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