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post #46 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 09:13 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

Do tell OM wife (quietly) what you know and give her an example, but not all of the text messages you saved to prove what you saying is true. Go on the beach vacation. Put discussion of the situation on hold for a week, act normal for the kids, be cordial but not warm and loving if you can't act normal. The happier the vacation is, the more she will see what she is giving up. Upon your return, file for divorce. Because she is uncertain now, that means your existing marriage is over. Don't tell family or friends until after you file. You should file before she asks for divorce or files herself. Note that getting divorced does not mean you can't get back together some day if you want.

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post #47 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 09:17 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

Quote:
Originally Posted by jld View Post
Here is an old post from a married man who often seduced married women. I think showing it to your wife could enlighten her.

My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.
1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).
2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.
3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.
So, it's OM's fault and she is blameless.

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #48 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 09:18 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

do not play the pick me dance.

you do not want to play that game where she gets to think about choosing you or the OM.

your world has blown up.

You are at war. She is your enemy. Have your enemy go live with her parents.

she can leave the neighborhood. she wants him, she can leave the family behind.

Have her tell the kids and have her leave today.

Go see your attorney and give her what she wants, she does not want to be married to you.

She can go live on the curb. get your enemy out of the house now. you do not leave, she leaves.
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post #49 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 09:18 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

Quote:
Originally Posted by jda79 View Post
When I confronted her about it, she was in shock I found out.
she said it "comes and goes".
Lets see, they're actively sexting on FB and shocked you found out! If that's true, neither are the sharpest tools in the shed. The, "I love you but" is womanese for "I wished we lived 500 miles from each other". The really bad thing is it "comes and goes", they must be doing it at your house.

If you don't embody controversy, what you say will become just another part of the media driven culture of stifling thought and debate about issues.
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post #50 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 09:25 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by jda79 View Post
So quick update.

I logged into my wife's facebook from my PC and watched the conversation as he found out this morning...

She says, she loved me but hasn't been "in love" with me. She told him she was completely honest with me.

She says, How can I ever look him in the eyes again?.


She said, "Regardless, I don't know if I still want to be married."
Hmmm. Lets add it up.

...No Guilt,
...No remorse,
...Not In Love with You anymore,
...No longer "Sees" you as Husband,
+ And, not sure if wants to be married to you anymore
--------------------------------------------------------------
Ok Johnny, what's JDA won for 13 years of busting his a$$?

That would have to be a Sh!t Sandwich every day for the rest of his life staying married to this Class A, Triple Cluster F--k of a wife.

JDA, I stayed, been almost 8 years now, and she was remorseful, contrite, 100% clean and honest post DD. Yeah, R financially it made sense... no brainer. But it eats at you little by little. What are going to do, stay in MC for the rest of your life, right?

I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying... Andy, Shawshank Redemption.

Last edited by RWB; 04-08-2017 at 09:50 AM.
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post #51 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 09:29 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

OP make no mistake as long as they are in contact the affair will continue.
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post #52 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 09:32 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

Quote:
Originally Posted by jld View Post
Here is an old post from a married man who often seduced married women. I think showing it to your wife could enlighten her.

My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.
1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).
2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.
3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.
Probably close to the mark. However, other man was only taking what your wife was willingly giving him.
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post #53 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 09:45 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

OP talking making idle threats or attempting to manipulate her won't get you much.

However, you'd better set some boundaries such as no contact, transparency, etc.

If you don't back up your boundaries with swift action you will enable her to push further. This will just keep you in the limbo hell you're in much longer.

Strength is attractive weakness is not.

You appear to be getting this better than most. Advice is worthless if you don't apply it.
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post #54 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:00 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

You cannot control or make anyone do anything.


If you're smart you will realize you can only control yourself. It's in your best interest to get out of the infidelity. No matter which course you take. IN the end if you want to try and save your marriage you will have to be willing to end it. She'll either come along or she won't.

If you can't the road will be much longer and more painful than it should be
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post #55 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:00 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Damn, COLD BLOODED! Wow, this just makes me feel like such a beta male. I love sex, but I could never treat somebody this way!
Not seducing married women does not make you a "beta male." It makes you an honorable man.

OP, your reading the post may give you insight into why your wife fell for him. It was certainly not right that she engaged in this affair. But it does not necessarily have to be the end of the marriage. Reconciliation, if you both want it, may be possible.

Whether you reconcile or divorce, please consider carefully how you go about exposure. Your children are going to be affected by how this whole thing is handled. If there is a lot of drama, they are likely to bear at least some of the fallout. Neighborhood parents may be talking, and other children listening. They may not be sensitive to your children's feelings.

In a nutshell: please think carefully, and consider especially the impact to all the children involved, before you act. Taking some time and getting some professional advice could be well worth it.


One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #56 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:13 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

All of this information has been excellent and I have taken a lot of it to heart.

Update:

She and our daughter left the house. I sent a message to the OM's wife that we needed to talk. Long story short...We just blew this up. She knows everything and will be confronting him. I even told her about the past affairs.

My wife called me to say that she talk to her parents. The only thing she would tell me is they want us to make it work. I told her whatever. She said not to do anything rash like pack up and leave.

I'm at the angry stage now. I'm f******* furious now. I am leaving to get STD tested at a nearby lab and then headed to my parents to tell them everything. The hard part believe it our not will be telling my aunt. My aunt and wife are close just I am close with her (she is practically my godmother). s*** is going down.

Another thing to note, he is 13 freaking years older than her.
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post #57 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:14 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

Your initial instincts will be to try to "nice" her back and to do the "Pick Me! Dance."

This is actually the worst thing you can do right now.

The first thing you need to do is STOP TALKING. Do not make any threats or saying, ..I am going to.."

Do not do any negotiations, accommidations or make any deals.

Do not agree to reconcile.

Do not agree to divorce (at this point anyway)

Do not tip your hand or show your cards in any way.

Whatever you do, do without warning.

Your actions will determine your fate and your future, not your words.
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post #58 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:15 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

Definitely tell the OBS. Your wife looks like she is heading for the door. I would also tell her family and friends. I don't think she is going to listen to you alone.
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post #59 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:22 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

Quote:
Originally Posted by jda79 View Post
All of this information has been excellent and I have taken a lot of it to heart.

Update:

She and our daughter left the house. I sent a message to the OM's wife that we needed to talk. Long story short...We just blew this up. She knows everything and will be confronting him. I even told her about the past affairs.

My wife called me to say that she talk to her parents. The only thing she would tell me is they want us to make it work. I told her whatever. She said not to do anything rash like pack up and leave.

I'm at the angry stage now. I'm f******* furious now. I am leaving to get STD tested at a nearby lab and then headed to my parents to tell them everything. The hard part believe it our not will be telling my aunt. My aunt and wife are close just I am close with her (she is practically my godmother). s*** is going down.

Another thing to note, he is 13 freaking years older than her.
Sounds experienced, just like that poster I quoted. Your wife was likely naive to his expertise.

Your aunt looks to be the key here. Her influence over your wife should be very helpful.

Very glad his wife was receptive to your contact.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #60 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:22 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

Quote:
Originally Posted by jda79 View Post
I told her that if there is any remote chance for us to try to move forward, she had to cut all communications with him and I need her passwords (which I have). Her response was "ok". She said, "Regardless, I don't know if I still want to be married."
First, you already told her that if she wants to have a chance to save the marriage, she had to cut all communications with the other man (OM), and she said "OK", but that did not stop her from communicating with the OM. That is because she was saying OK in that she understood the terms if she wanted to try to save the marriage, but since she has not committed to trying to save the marriage, she is not bound by the terms of cutting contact with the OM.

You need to ask her to agree out of basic decency to go 100% to no contact with the OM, and you need her to agree to it right now. Do not beg, that never works. If she does not agree in clear words to go no contact, then tell her that you have your answer as to how to proceed, and that you will be aggressively pursuing divorce.

BTW: her telling you that "Regardless, I don't know if I still want to be married", is her seeing if she can take control of the situation and get you to do the pick me dance. Do not buy into this.
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