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post #61 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:26 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

I think her saying she is not sure she wants to be married is sincere and heartfelt. She is just trying to be honest with you, OP.


One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #62 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:26 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

The first things you will need to do is to protect yourself and protect your assets, property and relationship with your children.

She is currently an unrepentant adulteress that has serious consideration of leaving and divorcing you.

That means you must get to a lawyer FIRST and protect your assets. You will need to secure all of your accounts, investments, assets and properties so that she can not walk into the bank and walk out with all of your money. This is no joke. This has happened to many BS's.

You need to get your accounts secured and properties protected and a binding temporary custody arrangement in place so that she can not empty out all of the accounts and take off somewhere with the children.

Get an attorney yesterday and get the proper paperwork and documents in place immediately.

This is actually a simple 2-step process. #1. Get an experienced, competent divorce attorney immediately.

#2. Do what the attorney says and don't do anything without his/her knowledge and blessing. Getting a divorce is something new and intimidating to you. But an experience divorce attorney has been to law school, has studied the divorce laws of your jurisdiction and does divorces day in and day out, all day every day for many years and knows more about what you need to do than you do. Follow the lawyers counsel and do what the lawyer says.

Do not try to save a few thousand bucks by making this a DIY project. That will cost you tens of thousands and may cost you access to your children and properties.
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post #63 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:27 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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I think her saying she is not sure she wants to be married is sincere and heartfelt. She is just trying to be honest with you, OP.
Yeah she is the picture of honesty.
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post #64 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:29 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Yeah she is the picture of honesty.
It could be a start.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #65 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:31 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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I've read this before. The guy was successful with women who had poor boundaries and likely cheated before.
And really stupid. Lets hope they didn't reproduce.
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post #66 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:31 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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All of this information has been excellent and I have taken a lot of it to heart.

Update:

She and our daughter left the house. I sent a message to the OM's wife that we needed to talk. Long story short...We just blew this up. She knows everything and will be confronting him. I even told her about the past affairs.

My wife called me to say that she talk to her parents. The only thing she would tell me is they want us to make it work. I told her whatever. She said not to do anything rash like pack up and leave.

I'm at the angry stage now. I'm f******* furious now. I am leaving to get STD tested at a nearby lab and then headed to my parents to tell them everything. The hard part believe it our not will be telling my aunt. My aunt and wife are close just I am close with her (she is practically my godmother). s*** is going down.

Another thing to note, he is 13 freaking years older than her.
Where are your other children?

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #67 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:31 AM
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Why defend a cheater so strongly? I was defending the OP, and I get attacked?
I'm not attacking you, not at all. I'm merely defending his wife because she is a human being and deserves to be defended. The OP doesn't need to be defended, because no one attacked him. You can tell a betrayed spouse that they need to put themselves first, that they did nothing wrong, and that they need to take care of themselves, without telling them that their spouse doesn't deserve anything good. And let's just be clear, I'm not defending her actions; I am only defending her human rights. And make no mistake, saying that his wife doesn't need to nurse her wounds because they are self-inflicted is removing her humanity, in addition to being counterproductive. ALL people deserve rest, care, and relaxation. Cheaters too.
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post #68 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:32 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by jda79 View Post
All of this information has been excellent and I have taken a lot of it to heart.

Update:

She and our daughter left the house. I sent a message to the OM's wife that we needed to talk. Long story short...We just blew this up. She knows everything and will be confronting him. I even told her about the past affairs.

My wife called me to say that she talk to her parents. The only thing she would tell me is they want us to make it work. I told her whatever. She said not to do anything rash like pack up and leave.

You know why? They are looking out for HER best interest not yours. They don't want to be bothered of helping her out. Blood is always thicker than water. You do what you need to do. Do not leave your home or your bedroom. I would move her out to the couch, etc.

I'm at the angry stage now. I'm f******* furious now. I am leaving to get STD tested at a nearby lab and then headed to my parents to tell them everything. The hard part believe it our not will be telling my aunt. My aunt and wife are close just I am close with her (she is practically my godmother). s*** is going down.

Another thing to note, he is 13 freaking years older than her.
How old are your kids? If they are older they should be told in a sanitized version. Do not let your wife lie to them!!!

Do not accept any blamshifting!!!! She like most will probably be vilifying you to cover for hereslf in this.
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post #69 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:34 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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OP, your reading the post may give you insight into why your wife fell for him. It was certainly not right that she engaged in this affair. But it does not necessarily have to be the end of the marriage. Reconciliation, if you both want it, may be possible.
@jld look up "The Soft Bigotry of Low Expectations".
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post #70 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:36 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

In regards to exposure.

Exposure needs to be mindful, target-specific and without warning.

Expose to the OM's W immediately and fully and without warning.

Knock on their door and inform her and present all the evidence on their front doorstep in front of him if you want.

Then present the evidence and disclosure to HER parents and immediate family.

This is not to shame her or to punish her or to inflict any pain or anguish on her.

This is to inform them of why her marital home life is being turned upside down and so that she does not completely turn this around and make it because you aren't doing your husbandly duties or because "....we just drifted apart..."

Let then know that things are in a state of upheaval in your house because she is in love with another man, has been having an affair for many months and is not currently sure if she wants to remain married to you or not.

That is not slander, defamation, an attack on her character etc etc etc. It is objective fact as to why her home will be in a state of upheaval for some time and why she may be moving back in with the folks or siblings etc for awhile.

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post #71 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:36 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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I think her saying she is not sure she wants to be married is sincere and heartfelt. She is just trying to be honest with you, OP.
Hahahahahaha. Carrying on a secretive affair with the neighbor and she's being honest and sincere? It's the shock of getting caught. Nothing more.

She is definitely not reconciliation material at this time. If she's so sincere she should move out and live with her parents.
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post #72 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:38 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

It is very good you are each telling your parents, OP. Wise decision from both of you, as they love not only their children, but surely want the best for their grandchildren, too.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #73 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:41 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by jda79 View Post
All of this information has been excellent and I have taken a lot of it to heart.

Update:

She and our daughter left the house. I sent a message to the OM's wife that we needed to talk. Long story short...We just blew this up. She knows everything and will be confronting him. I even told her about the past affairs.

My wife called me to say that she talk to her parents. The only thing she would tell me is they want us to make it work. I told her whatever. She said not to do anything rash like pack up and leave.

I'm at the angry stage now. I'm f******* furious now. I am leaving to get STD tested at a nearby lab and then headed to my parents to tell them everything. The hard part believe it our not will be telling my aunt. My aunt and wife are close just I am close with her (she is practically my godmother). s*** is going down.

Another thing to note, he is 13 freaking years older than her.
Don't settle because it's easy right now. You will end up miserable. Your wife told her boyfriend she doesn't love you. You can do better than that. And realize some posters are saying it's because she was stupid, and suggesting that women are just too dumb to understand they are being seduced. This is a lie there are plenty of women who wouldn't cheat.

Finally the idea that kids can't grow up in separate home and be fine and thrive is an outdated idea. 50% of kids grow up that way now a days. Staying for the kids in a broken marriage just has them grow up in a broken home, as opposed to out of it.
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post #74 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:41 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by EllaSuaveterre View Post
I'm not attacking you, not at all. I'm merely defending his wife because she is a human being and deserves to be defended. The OP doesn't need to be defended, because no one attacked him. You can tell a betrayed spouse that they need to put themselves first, that they did nothing wrong, and that they need to take care of themselves, without telling them that their spouse doesn't deserve anything good. And let's just be clear, I'm not defending her actions; I am only defending her human rights. And make no mistake, saying that his wife doesn't need to nurse her wounds because they are self-inflicted is removing her humanity, in addition to being counterproductive. ALL people deserve rest, care, and relaxation. Cheaters too.
Yep, all that planning and hiding the affair is hard work. Not to mention all the exhausting sex. She should move in with her parents. Let them look after her for awhile.
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post #75 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:51 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

exposure to your friends and family is a little more tricky.

If you have a very close friend or relative that will support you unconditionally and will be in your corner to fight and defend your best interests and your well being, then confide in that person/people.

However you want to be aware of two things -

- the first is you do not want to confide in anyone that may try to shift ANY blame to you and imply that you should have been more attentive or did more house work or was more involved with the kids etc and you don't want to confide in anyone that will try to instruct you on how to do the "Pick Me! Dance" better by saying that you need to lose weight or be better in bed etc etc.

You want someone that will drive you to the lawyers office and help you store some of your valuables at their house so she doesn't grab anything of yours when she moves out etc.

You want someone that will advocate for you and protect your interests and support you and your well being alone.

- and the other thing you need to keep in mind is anyone of your friends or relatives that you inform, will forever be somewhat resentful and embittered towards her and they will never fully accept her or your marriage of her again should you end up staying together (which is highly doubtful at this point, but it's something you need to be aware of nonetheless)

And I wouldn't be afraid of disclosing this to any other neighbors that may become curious as to why there is a moving truck in your driveway.

If this dude has a history of picking up other people's wives, then the other husbands in the neighborhood do have the right to know that their is a snake in their midst.

Exposure is a critical component of busting an affair and taking back your agency. But it does need to be focused, mindful and for specific purpose.

Affairs flourish in dark secrecy and wither and die quickly in the light of exposure.

If you keep their dirty little secret, then you become a coconspirator in your own betrayal and your own emasculation.
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