Just Caught My Wife Cheating - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 10:53 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

Very sorry jda79. This will be a long and heartbreaking journey for you. No one deserves to be cheated on so remember that. You going to be an emotional wreck and just numb for a while. I'd say the best thing to do it read, read, and read about infidelity and how to cope. It's not as simple as divorce or reconcile and lord knows you don't know what you think yet. Your emotions are going to drag you around by the nose for a while. The sense of loss, hurt, anger, and fear are too much to deal with at first unless you're different than most people.


I'm as deep as a puddle. Holland.
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post #77 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 11:03 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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I think her saying she is not sure she wants to be married is sincere and heartfelt. She is just trying to be honest with you, OP.
Omg. Please don't describe an adulteress as sincere, heartfelt, or honest. Nothing she says, or will say, is honest.
The truth is she doesn't love the OP anymore and never will----- because she chose to myrdee her love for him by having sex with another man.

It's over for her. She's still lying t him. He's just a tool to her now.
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post #78 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 11:04 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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My wife called me to say that she talk to her parents. The only thing she would tell me is they want us to make it work. I told her whatever. She said not to do anything rash like pack up and leave.

.
OK let's keep straight who is advocating for who here.

You need to have Advocates in your camp that represent stritckly you and your best interests such as you LAWYER and maybe your brother/best friend etc.

Her parents are going to advocate for HER. They want you to be the nice beta boy that lets her have her fun on the side and lets her take her time trying to decide which man she wants to be with. They want you housing her and supporting her and making life easy for her while she tests drives every man in the Tri-County area to decide which one will be the best fit for her.

#$@% them.

They may have been nice to you and treated you decently previously in your marriage. But make no mistakes, they are completely in HER camp and are there to support HER best interests - not yours.

They want you to take care of her and support her during her mistreatment of you. They do not want you to do anything that makes her upset or scared or uncomfortable.

,,,And they certainly do not want her tossed out and living back in their house.

You may have lived and respected them over the past years, but they are now part of the enemy camp that do not have your best interests at heart at all anymore.
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post #79 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 11:17 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

You should make sure that her parents know the whole story. She might have told them a sanitized version that didn't involve sex. Her story might have only mentioned the possibility of divorce with no mention of her affair. Throughout this whole process, she'll be trying to run interference and misleading people to protect herself and the OM.

The women in this forum tend to jump to the defense of other women and I would not put much stock in what they say. As for the comments in here that claim she's telling you the heartfelt truth, I think that's hogwash. It's much more likely that your wife is VERY confused, VERY torn and has NO IDEA about the new reality she's facing. You need to bring that reality home to her. If you play this right, she will learn to respect you, regardless of whether you reconcile or divorce. The next few weeks will be a lot of anguish and crying on her part as she faces the potential loss of the man she's come to depend on for 13 years.
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post #80 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 11:20 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

I know you're going through a lot now, but be sure to take a good look what was going on in your marriage before all this. It sounds like she was checked out already. What would have contributed to that? Often the affair is a symptom of underlying problems. In no way is an affair justified, but often we see marriages which are just barely hanging together before the affairs starts.

An analogy might be if you were having money problems and she robbed a bank. In no way is that a justified response, but you should honestly look at yourself and see if you contributed to the money problems. If you're gambling and spending money frivolously while the rent goes unpaid, then you need to realize that you were part of the problem. That doesn't mean you caused her to rob a bank, but it may mean you contributed to the situation where she thought about robbing a bank.

Recovery is a long road, but doable. However, you *both* will need to take a hard look at yourselves to figure out what needs to change. Obviously she has the bulk of the work to do, but you should also strive to make the marriage one where she is happier.

And I don't mean to insinuate you were a bad husband or anything. It sounds like you're a great guy and she's lucky to have you. Hopefully she'll realize that and you can work it all out.
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post #81 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 11:25 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

as far as the STD testing, that's her job. She was the one screwing around. She's the one that needs to go get needles stuck in her arm and Q-tips stuck up her parts.

She is the one that stepped out and got some strange on the side, so she needs to be the one to get subjected to all the poking and prodding and she needs to be the one bringing home the papers saying if she is bring kooties into the house or not.

(yes, to be responsible, you should probably get tested too. But you don't need to tell her that)

I mean seriously, why should you go through the humiliation and degradation of getting tested and then you coming home and telling her the results so she can rest easy?????

Make her do it and bring her results home to you.
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post #82 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 11:29 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

I'm just going to tell you the truth:

Divorce your wife.
She does not love you--- her words.
She never will love you again.
Once it's gone, it's gone.

Sir, all you can do in order that have a chance at a happy life is get rid of your remorseless, cheating wife, who has no shame over what she has done to the person that devoted his life to her.

If she stays, she will do so only for security and comfort.

If you let her stay, you will be happy things are back to normal at first, then you will start noticing the lack of feelings she has, you will start feeling resentment for what she did and is not sorry for, and you will look over your shoulder for the rest of your life.

I've spent 3 years on this site reading cases just like yours. I've been through my own case of infidelity.

Here's how it plays out: a remorseless long term cheater like yours will string you along until she no longer needs you and just leaves. She will likely leave with this guy or another.
Any affection you show her will repulse her. If you try the hysterical bonding thing, she will likely tell you that you repulse her.

I know you're hurting. I know she was your world. You feel like your future and dreams are being ripped away. They are.

But, the good news is that you are not 80 years old. You can rebuild, and find a woman that is loyal and loves you. And I assure you there are lots and lots of women that would want a good, faithful, hardworking man.
Do NOT let this destroy your self esteem and confidence in yourself.

Keep your head up, get a lawyer and divorce, and I assure you--- moving forward and forgetting about your wife will ease the pain a lot sooner. Yes, it's going to take a few months. Never let yourself dwell on hoping things weren't like they are. Your wife will never be the same. She's dead. The person you loved truly is dead. They don't exist anymore.

You did good exposing other man to his wife.
Don't listen to anyone such as her parents, as you've been told. Listen to your lawyer. Get out of this marriage while she may have a tiny bit of guilt. Otherwise she will try to ruin you, and probably will anyway.

Remember she told you not to expose the OM. Her feelings and empathy is only for him. She has nothing for you. Don't lower your dignity by letting her know you still have feelings for her.

I promise you. You can get a new wife and be happy again. But not with this one. Divorce her.
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post #83 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 11:37 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by VladDracul View Post
Lets see, they're actively sexting on FB and shocked you found out! If that's true, neither are the sharpest tools in the shed. The, "I love you but" is womanese for "I wished we lived 500 miles from each other".

If you don't embody controversy, what you say will become just another part of the media driven culture of stifling thought and debate about issues.
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post #84 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 11:39 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by wilson View Post
I know you're going through a lot now, but be sure to take a good look what was going on in your marriage before all this. It sounds like she was checked out already. What would have contributed to that? Often the affair is a symptom of underlying problems. In no way is an affair justified, but often we see marriages which are just barely hanging together before the affairs starts.

An analogy might be if you were having money problems and she robbed a bank. In no way is that a justified response, but you should honestly look at yourself and see if you contributed to the money problems. If you're gambling and spending money frivolously while the rent goes unpaid, then you need to realize that you were part of the problem. That doesn't mean you caused her to rob a bank, but it may mean you contributed to the situation where she thought about robbing a bank.

Recovery is a long road, but doable. However, you *both* will need to take a hard look at yourselves to figure out what needs to change. Obviously she has the bulk of the work to do, but you should also strive to make the marriage one where she is happier.

And I don't mean to insinuate you were a bad husband or anything. It sounds like you're a great guy and she's lucky to have you. Hopefully she'll realize that and you can work it all out.
This is the kind of Bullhucky you need to put out of your brain and ignore for now.

This is the Reconciliation-Industrial-Complex psychobabble BS that makes people who were mistreated, betrayed, disrespected and exposed to life threatening diseases second-guess protecting themselves against people who are trying to use and manipulate them.

You may have been a crappy husband and lousy lover, but that does not mean that she did not have a hundred other options other than to screw some neighbor. She had agency and free will. she could have pursued MC or approached you about meeting her needs better. She could have divorced you straight up and walked away and let you pursue your own interests.

She had a million other options. She chose the one where she got it on and had thrills with the OM and came home with his semen in her exposing you to God knows what, while you were out working to support the family or home watching the kids.

It's this kind of crap that put marriage counselor's kids through college while BS's continue to get chumped.

Your job at this point is to protect your assets, resources and relationship with your children against someone who is cheating on you and preparing to divorce you. Your Job-1 is to get a lawyer and start preparing yourself.

If a year or so down the road after you are divorced and have your financial and child custody affairs worked out, if you want to sit on a mountain top and self-reflect and reevaluate your marriage, that is your prerogative to do so.

But at this point, this is just a bunch of background noise and Mind-Pollution that distracts you from taking care of Number One and protecting your assets and relationship with your children.

If anyone even suggests that you should spend time and brain energy evaluating your role in her wrapping her legs over some other guys shoulders, just turn off your ears and walk away and do what your lawyer says.
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post #85 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 11:48 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

Quote:
Originally Posted by VladDracul View Post
Lets see, they're actively sexting on FB and shocked you found out! If that's true, neither are the sharpest tools in the shed. The, "I love you but" is womanese for "I wished we lived 500 miles from each other". The really bad thing is it "comes and goes", they must be doing it at your house.
Me thinks both his and the OM`'s marital beds have been humping grounds for these remorse less cheaters. The lack of care or respect is despicable.


Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #86 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 11:49 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by oldshirt View Post
This is the kind of Bullhucky you need to put out of your brain and ignore for now.

This is the Reconciliation-Industrial-Complex psychobabble BS that makes people who were mistreated, betrayed, disrespected and exposed to life threatening diseases second-guess protecting themselves against people who are trying to use and manipulate them.

You may have been a crappy husband and lousy lover, but that does not mean that she did not have a hundred other options other than to screw some neighbor. She had agency and free will. she could have pursued MC or approached you about meeting her needs better. She could have divorced you straight up and walked away and let you pursue your own interests.

She had a million other options. She chose the one where she got it on and had thrills with the OM and came home with his semen in her exposing you to God knows what, while you were out working to support the family or home watching the kids.

It's this kind of crap that put marriage counselor's kids through college while BS's continue to get chumped.

Your job at this point is to protect your assets, resources and relationship with your children against someone who is cheating on you and preparing to divorce you. Your Job-1 is to get a lawyer and start preparing yourself.

If a year or so down the road after you are divorced and have your financial and child custody affairs worked out, if you want to sit on a mountain top and self-reflect and reevaluate your marriage, that is your prerogative to do so.

But at this point, this is just a bunch of background noise and Mind-Pollution that distracts you from taking care of Number One and protecting your assets and relationship with your children.

If anyone even suggests that you should spend time and brain energy evaluating your role in her wrapping her legs over some other guys shoulders, just turn off your ears and walk away and do what your lawyer says.
Can I have permission to copy/paste this?
I am in total agreement.
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post #87 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 11:51 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

Quote:
Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
I'm just going to tell you the truth:

Divorce your wife.
She does not love you--- her words.
She never will love you again.
Once it's gone, it's gone.

Sir, all you can do in order that have a chance at a happy life is get rid of your remorseless, cheating wife, who has no shame over what she has done to the person that devoted his life to her.

If she stays, she will do so only for security and comfort.

If you let her stay, you will be happy things are back to normal at first, then you will start noticing the lack of feelings she has, you will start feeling resentment for what she did and is not sorry for, and you will look over your shoulder for the rest of your life.

I've spent 3 years on this site reading cases just like yours. I've been through my own case of infidelity.

Here's how it plays out: a remorseless long term cheater like yours will string you along until she no longer needs you and just leaves. She will likely leave with this guy or another.
Any affection you show her will repulse her. If you try the hysterical bonding thing, she will likely tell you that you repulse her.

I know you're hurting. I know she was your world. You feel like your future and dreams are being ripped away. They are.

But, the good news is that you are not 80 years old. You can rebuild, and find a woman that is loyal and loves you. And I assure you there are lots and lots of women that would want a good, faithful, hardworking man.
Do NOT let this destroy your self esteem and confidence in yourself.

Keep your head up, get a lawyer and divorce, and I assure you--- moving forward and forgetting about your wife will ease the pain a lot sooner. Yes, it's going to take a few months. Never let yourself dwell on hoping things weren't like they are. Your wife will never be the same. She's dead. The person you loved truly is dead. They don't exist anymore.

You did good exposing other man to his wife.
Don't listen to anyone such as her parents, as you've been told. Listen to your lawyer. Get out of this marriage while she may have a tiny bit of guilt. Otherwise she will try to ruin you, and probably will anyway.

Remember she told you not to expose the OM. Her feelings and empathy is only for him. She has nothing for you. Don't lower your dignity by letting her know you still have feelings for her.

I promise you. You can get a new wife and be happy again. But not with this one. Divorce her.
I will confirm what is said here. That is why I linked to the stories of the people who got strong. They ended up doing just that moved on. Some people hold on but for the most part they are miserable. Lots hold on for a while then come to there senses because the trauma starts to heal and move on and with they had moved on sooner.

Read those links. Those people didn't compromise what they always thought they would do. They did what they thought they would do which was not stay with a cheater. Everyone of them ended up happy in the end.

When you have standards abandoning them in a crisis is not a good way to heal. So many people say, I would never stay with a cheater. Then they get cheated on and stay. The answer they give is well you don't know until you get cheated on. My feeling is they are no longer in their right mind because of the trauma and that is why they stay. I think it's better to stick with the plan you always had, because when the trauma ends you will regret that you didn't hold up to your standards. Meaning now is the time to ignore your emotions and act on what you you always told yourself you would do. Just how soldiers act on their training.

Besides all that, hit the gym. Exercise releases endorphins which helps with mood, it also gives you tangible goals and daily successes. It has the added side effect of making you more attractive.
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post #88 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 11:54 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by EllaSuaveterre View Post
I'm not attacking you, not at all. I'm merely defending his wife because she is a human being and deserves to be defended. The OP doesn't need to be defended, because no one attacked him. You can tell a betrayed spouse that they need to put themselves first, that they did nothing wrong, and that they need to take care of themselves, without telling them that their spouse doesn't deserve anything good. And let's just be clear, I'm not defending her actions; I am only defending her human rights. And make no mistake, saying that his wife doesn't need to nurse her wounds because they are self-inflicted is removing her humanity, in addition to being counterproductive. ALL people deserve rest, care, and relaxation. Cheaters too.

what about the OM and his wife? they have been attacking him for quite some time now.

They are still attacking him today with their plans and being in communication.

His wife could have divorced him before the A. But no she attacked him and she had the OM in their house. The OP has been under attack, and his wife has been very deceitful, lying and horrible to him.
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post #89 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 11:56 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
Can I have permission to copy/paste this?
I am in total agreement.
Yeah, everyone needs to.
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post #90 of 206 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 11:57 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by harrybrown View Post
what about the OM and his wife? they have been attacking him for quite some time now.

They are still attacking him today with their plans and being in communication.

His wife could have divorced him before the A. But no she attacked him and she had the OM in their house. The OP has been under attack, and his wife has been very deceitful, lying and horrible to him.
This is true. He is being attacked by his wife's infidelity. The two wrongs don't make a right. It does nothing to protect the original poster to say that his wife doesn't deserve this or that. Yes, he can and should choose to prioritize his own mental health and well-being now, but depriving his wife of the same won't do any good.

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