Just Caught My Wife Cheating - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
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post #91 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 12:00 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by oldshirt View Post
This is the kind of Bullhucky you need to put out of your brain and ignore for now.

This is the Reconciliation-Industrial-Complex psychobabble BS that makes people who were mistreated, betrayed, disrespected and exposed to life threatening diseases second-guess protecting themselves against people who are trying to use and manipulate them.

You may have been a crappy husband and lousy lover, but that does not mean that she did not have a hundred other options other than to screw some neighbor. She had agency and free will. she could have pursued MC or approached you about meeting her needs better. She could have divorced you straight up and walked away and let you pursue your own interests.

She had a million other options. She chose the one where she got it on and had thrills with the OM and came home with his semen in her exposing you to God knows what, while you were out working to support the family or home watching the kids.

It's this kind of crap that put marriage counselor's kids through college while BS's continue to get chumped.

Your job at this point is to protect your assets, resources and relationship with your children against someone who is cheating on you and preparing to divorce you. Your Job-1 is to get a lawyer and start preparing yourself.

If a year or so down the road after you are divorced and have your financial and child custody affairs worked out, if you want to sit on a mountain top and self-reflect and reevaluate your marriage, that is your prerogative to do so.

But at this point, this is just a bunch of background noise and Mind-Pollution that distracts you from taking care of Number One and protecting your assets and relationship with your children.

If anyone even suggests that you should spend time and brain energy evaluating your role in her wrapping her legs over some other guys shoulders, just turn off your ears and walk away and do what your lawyer says.
Agreed, infidelity is very much like emotional rape. Only the most loathsome apologist would say that it ISN'T abuse. We all know there never any excuse to abuse someone. It is also noticeable that these apologist are much less likely to present these kind of ideas when the husband cheats on the wife.

The idea that your actions somehow caused this it akin to telling a women she deserved to get raped because her dress was too short. Just ignore it. You both were in the same marriage. Your wife cheated because she wanted to and has a lack of character. She could have done a whole host of things. Worked on the marriage or just divorced you and kept her dignity intact.

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post #92 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 12:03 PM
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Send an email to the family (incl. her parents) yourself. WS are notorious for rewriting history. She will tell them her reasons for engaging in the affair that are not based on reality.

Send something like:

I'm asking for your support and help in saving my marriage. Until I read sexually explicit texts from Wife to OM, I thought our marriage was solid. I'm now shocked and deeply hurt and need the support of close friends and family while we work to end Wife's affair and rebuild our marriage.
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post #93 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 12:06 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

What do you want? To ditch her immediately or to get her to stop cheating and keep her?
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post #94 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 12:06 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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It's much more likely that your wife is VERY confused, VERY torn and has NO IDEA about the new reality she's facing. You need to bring that reality home to her. If you play this right, she will learn to respect you, regardless of whether you reconcile or divorce. The next few weeks will be a lot of anguish and crying on her part as she faces the potential loss of the man she's come to depend on for 13 years.
This is why I will never tear down a wayward spouse. Maybe if they truly don't realize what they've done I will gently inform them. But otherwise I have compassion. Realizing that you ruined your own life and you didn't even know it until it was too late is the sort of thing that absolutely rips your soul out, and it is hard enough without everyone else trying to rip it out for you. Wayward spouses are scared, confused, grieved, and scared again, and they usually don't have anyone to lean on for support because it was their own doing, and people therefore mistakenly believe they don't deserve human compassion. Didn't anybody feel for Faust when he sold his soul to the devil?


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post #95 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 12:06 PM
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After YOU do a full exposure, Wife needs send a No Contact letter to OM. And your family needs to move. Wife needs to change all contact info so she cannot be reached by OM.

Get into marital coaching.

Wife will be grieving her affair. This will be painful to watch. One text from OM will rekindle the entire thing and the process will start over.

You two will need to commit to full transparency about where/when/what she is doing in her day at all times. You will need to commit to at least 15 hours/week time together one on one.
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post #96 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 12:10 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by EllaSuaveterre View Post
This is true. He is being attacked by his wife's infidelity. The two wrongs don't make a right. It does nothing to protect the original poster to say that his wife doesn't deserve this or that. Yes, he can and should choose to prioritize his own mental health and well-being now, but depriving his wife of the same won't do any good.
You're not getting it. It's not about doing anything "to" his STBX. It's about protecting himself and his own best interests.

Think of it like a terrorist setting off a bomb in a plane and the plane is spiraling in a big fireball towards the earth and there are the pilot, the terrorist and one parachute in the plane.

People are urging the pilot to get the parachute and get out of the plane before it smashes a big smoking hole in the ground. The objective is to get the pilot out and survive. Noone is saying the pilot has to kill the terrorist first. They are just saying to get out and not worry about the terrorist.

The terrorist determined his own fate by his actions. He now becomes irrelevant and gets whatever outcome he has determined by his own actions.

So too is the WW. She rigged up the bomb. Set the timer. Planted it and set it off.

The BS is the victim here that needs advice, guidance and support. The important thing is to get him out and insure his survival. If the WW splats like a bug on a windshield, too bad so sad.

It was by her own hand. Not something that he did to her.
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post #97 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 12:17 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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After YOU do a full exposure, Wife needs send a No Contact letter to OM. And your family needs to move. Wife needs to change all contact info so she cannot be reached by OM.

Get into marital coaching.

Wife will be grieving her affair. This will be painful to watch. One text from OM will rekindle the entire thing and the process will start over.

You two will need to commit to full transparency about where/when/what she is doing in her day at all times. You will need to commit to at least 15 hours/week time together one on one.
You are taking the assumption that they should/will/can devote time, energy and monies to reconciling.

Why is always a default assumption that a couple should reconcile????

She got busted doing the neighbor. She didn't try to cover her tracks very well and when she was busted, she really didn't even try to deny it very much and she has told him to his face that even if the affair ends, she may still not want to stay with him.

This is not grounds for a successful or healthy and happy reconciliation.

This is not about finishing up a Carribean cruise after a bout of Montezuma's Revenge and salvaging a few good days on the beach.

This is about getting into a life raft before the sinking ship pulls you under.
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post #98 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 12:17 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by EllaSuaveterre View Post
This is why I will never tear down a wayward spouse. Maybe if they truly don't realize what they've done I will gently inform them. But otherwise I have compassion. Realizing that you ruined your own life and you didn't even know it until it was too late is the sort of thing that absolutely rips your soul out, and it is hard enough without everyone else trying to rip it out for you. Wayward spouses are scared, confused, grieved, and scared again, and they usually don't have anyone to lean on for support because it was their own doing, and people therefore mistakenly believe they don't deserve human compassion. Didn't anybody feel for Faust when he sold his soul to the devil?
Lol, this is just a projection of how YOU felt, Ella.
His cheating spouse does not feel scared or confused, I don't think. I think she feels sorry she was caught, worried her husband might have balls enough to send her cheating arse packing.....

She should be scared. She should be worried.
She did the most evil act a woman can do to her husband. She did it for months.
She has zero love for him, and told him so.
I believe a person like OP's wife both deserves and needs stern consequences---- in order to hopefully change her behavior so she doesn't ruin other people's lives in the future. She has ruined the OO's life. Just for her own selfish reasons.
Your compassion for the cheater is misplaced.
All cheaters don't think like you do. I hope you realize that.
I'll save my compassion for those that actually have a little remorse. This one doesn't.
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post #99 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 12:22 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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This is why I will never tear down a wayward spouse. Maybe if they truly don't realize what they've done I will gently inform them. But otherwise I have compassion.
If you look within yourself, I think it's more likely that you're unwilling to tear down wayward spouses because you were one. Everyone deserves a level of human compassion, but adults also deserve consequences and should be held accountable for their actions. Faust can reap what he sowed.

The advice we're giving the OP is intended to help save his marriage, if he so chooses. Everyone knows that "nicing" your spouse back doesn't work. Neither does "compassioning" them.
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post #100 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 12:22 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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After YOU do a full exposure, Wife needs send a No Contact letter to OM. And your family needs to move. Wife needs to change all contact info so she cannot be reached by OM.

Get into marital coaching.

Wife will be grieving her affair. This will be painful to watch. One text from OM will rekindle the entire thing and the process will start over.

You two will need to commit to full transparency about where/when/what she is doing in her day at all times. You will need to commit to at least 15 hours/week time together one on one.
Notice not one person in this thread is pushing for staying together and RIGHTFULLY so. The only difference is her husband as far as we know didn't physically cheat, just text strippers. So typical.

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post #101 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 12:25 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
After YOU do a full exposure, Wife needs send a No Contact letter to OM. And your family needs to move. Wife needs to change all contact info so she cannot be reached by OM.

Get into marital coaching.

Wife will be grieving her affair. This will be painful to watch. One text from OM will rekindle the entire thing and the process will start over.

You two will need to commit to full transparency about where/when/what she is doing in her day at all times. You will need to commit to at least 15 hours/week time together one on one.
But Jessica, she doesn't want to reconcile!
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post #102 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 12:28 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by oldshirt View Post

You may have been a crappy husband and lousy lover, but that does not mean that she did not have a hundred other options other than to screw some neighbor. She had agency and free will. she could have pursued MC or approached you about meeting her needs better. She could have divorced you straight up and walked away and let you pursue your own interests.

None of us are perfect your wife isn't either. Did you go over and screw the neighbor become of it?

She had a million other options. She chose the one where she got it on and had thrills with the OM and came home with his semen in her exposing you to God knows what, while you were out working to support the family or home watching the kids.

Don't be shocked if she brought him into your home and screwed him in your marital bed.

It's this kind of crap that put marriage counselor's kids through college while BS's continue to chumped.

MC if you can find a good one is great but many are morons who can inflict more damage than help. At this time it's way to early to even think about.

Your job at this point is to protect your assets, resources and relationship with your children against someone who is cheating on you and preparing to divorce you. Your Job-1 is to get a lawyer and start preparing yourself.

Your wife has shown you who she is and what she's capable of. You'd be wise to believe her.

If a year or so down the road after you are divorced and have your financial and child custody affairs worked out, if you want to sit on a mountain top and self-reflect and reevaluate your marriage, that is your prerogative to do so.

But at this point, this is just a bunch of background noise and Mind-Pollution that distracts you from taking care of Number One and protecting your assets and relationship with your children.

If anyone even suggests that you should spend time and brain energy evaluating your role in her wrapping her legs over some other guys shoulders, just turn off your ears and walk away and do what your lawyer says.
You didn't deserve this no one does. You will be in love with who you thought your wife was but you'd better wake up to the fact of who she is. For your own sake and that of your kids.

You can't take this disrespect in front of your children. It's hard to tell what they've seen or know.

You only know the tip of the iceberg at this time.

Sorry man
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post #103 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 12:29 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Send an email to the family (incl. her parents) yourself. WS are notorious for rewriting history. She will tell them her reasons for engaging in the affair that are not based on reality.

Send something like:

I'm asking for your support and help in saving my marriage. Until I read sexually explicit texts from Wife to OM, I thought our marriage was solid. I'm now shocked and deeply hurt and need the support of close friends and family while we work to end Wife's affair and rebuild our marriage.
Again, your default assumption is he/they should try to save the marriage and that the exposure is to garner support and assistance in helping him "save" the marriage.

That is not necessarily the reason for disclosure.

The disclosure is initially to bring the affair out into the light so that all of the involved players are aware of it and can do what they need to do to protect themselves and protect their assets.

Disclosure to her family isn't necessarily to garner help and support in "saving the marriage" but so that they are aware of the facts as to why their daughter may be showing up on the doorstep for a place to stay.

It is also so that they are aware of the actual facts of the upheaval of family so that the WW doesn't pin it on him and say that he is abusive or neglectful or molesting the children etc etc.

It may be so that he can explain why he is NOT trying to 'save the marriage' and why he is divorcing their daughter and why their grandchildren will be shuffling between two different homes.
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post #104 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 12:30 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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I think her saying she is not sure she wants to be married is sincere and heartfelt. She is just trying to be honest with you, OP.
That always strikes me as ''I'm not sure if I can make it on my own, and since you pay the bills and I have a good lifestyle, not sure I want to give that up just yet. If I could have my marriage AND my lover, I probably would stay, no question. But, since I have to make a choice...hmmm, I'm so confused.''

Funny, she was only confused when she got caught.

Not sure why, but it seems like many people treat us women like we're children. We don't know what we're doing, we're confused, we need help, we are unable to make good decisions, etc etc. Meanwhile, if a woman were posting this, you wouldn't see the same responses towards the wayward husband. The OP's wife is an adult, and she knows exactly what she's doing. She CHOSE to have an affair. She CHOSE to betray her husband. No one accidentally falls into bed several times with another man. While she might need help, she is still an adult and needs to totally own what she did.

I'm against reconciliation with cheating, especially in a case like this where the wayward is spelling out that she doesn't love her husband anymore. That's clear without her saying that, though. I think that some people feel words mean more than actions. They don't. Actions always speak louder. If I tell you that I'm your best friend, but I keep betraying you, will you believe me? You shouldn't. That said, if you choose to reconcile with your wife, OP...please make sure she is coming back to you for you, and for the right reasons, not because the affair has been exposed and now she has nowhere to go. Or you're her consolation prize since she can't have her lover, anymore. To me, I'd rather be alone forever than go back with someone who will always only see me as a second option.

Every now and then, you fall in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time. - unknown

I'm newly married
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Last edited by *Deidre*; 04-08-2017 at 12:44 PM.
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post #105 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 12:34 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Can I have permission to copy/paste this?
I am in total agreement.
Me too!!!!!!

You have been betrayed in the worst way. Protect yourself and your relationship with your kids by exposing and taking legal action against your cheating wife`s total lack of care for you or the kids. Choices have consequences.

Show her the consequences of her poor, selfish choices. She chose no mercy to you and probably banged this nasty man in your home and bed. She is about to get a dose of her own medicine and show no mercy like she is still doing to you.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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