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post #106 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 12:38 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
That always strikes me as ''I'm not sure if I can make it on my own, and since you pay the bills and I have a good lifestyle, not sure I want to give that up just yet. If I could have my marriage AND my lover, I probably would stay, no question. But, since I have to make a choice...hmmm, I'm so confused.''

Funny, she was only confused when she got caught.
Hahahaha nice insight.

Sounds like a very entitled princess.

So I've been screwing the neighbor behind your back but I'm not sure I can give you a chance to stay married to me??? Um, why would that be her choice???

Poor muffin is delusional.

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post #107 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 12:41 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Notice not one person in this thread is pushing for staying together and RIGHTFULLY so.
I'm not even seeing where the WW is actually trying to "save the marriage" per se herself.

I am getting she is just trying to do enough damage-control to where she doesn't have to pack her stuff this weekend.

She is simply trying to do damage-control and have the luxury of taking her sweet time to feather her next nest and get all her ducks in a row at her leisure so she can find someone else and move on with her life without any drama or chaos. It's not like she's actually trying to stay with the OP and maintain a happy and healthy marriage with him.

And the OP is still in enough shock, I don't think he's had time to actually sit and determine which course of action he want's to take either, but he certainly has not being saying anything about wanting to save the marriage and ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after with her (much to his credit I must add)

The only ones that have given any indication that they want them to stay together is her parents, but that is just because no one wants their daughter and grandchildren tossed into the street and they don't want her showing up on their doorstep.

This is kind of a slam-dunk that reconciliation and "saving the marriage" should not be the knee-jerk reaction here.
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post #108 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 12:48 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

The good thing here is also the hurtful thing.

OP's wife isn't going to stay. She's going to dump her husband.

This is going to release him so he can go get healed and find happiness with a decent woman.

We all know where the WS's life is headed, and it won't be pretty.

I just hope OP is able to muster the courage to see a lawyer and start the divorce process and get agreements signed while she feels a little guilt (if she does, I see no evidence).

OP seems to be more solid than I was. He's already feeling anger.
Going through the stages of grief quickly. That's a good sign for his emotional strength.

I think he's going to be ok.
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post #109 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 12:50 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Hahahaha nice insight.

Sounds like a very entitled princess.

So I've been screwing the neighbor behind your back but I'm not sure I can give you a chance to stay married to me??? Um, why would that be her choice???

Poor muffin is delusional.
Well, she will only get away with what the OP will allow. We teach people how to treat us, so ...

But, it's just how I see it, especially if the husband is the breadwinner, and the wife isn't working at all. Why do people think that their wayward spouse wants to stay married, if they were having sex with another person for the last several months? Does that sound like someone who really wants to be married? I don't understand the mindset of betrayed spouses who actually believe the lies from their wayward spouses, who sorry to say, are in a panic over losing their lifestyle.
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post #110 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 12:54 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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I'm not even seeing where the WW is actually trying to "save the marriage" per se herself.

I am getting she is just trying to do enough damage-control to where she doesn't have to pack her stuff this weekend.

She is simply trying to do damage-control and have the luxury of taking her sweet time to feather her next nest and get all her ducks in a row at her leisure so she can find someone else and move on with her life without any drama or chaos. It's not like she's actually trying to stay with the OP and maintain a happy and healthy marriage with him.

And the OP is still in enough shock, I don't think he's had time to actually sit and determine which course of action he want's to take either, but he certainly has not being saying anything about wanting to save the marriage and ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after with her (much to his credit I must add)

The only ones that have given any indication that they want them to stay together is her parents, but that is just because no one wants their daughter and grandchildren tossed into the street and they don't want her showing up on their doorstep.

This is kind of a slam-dunk that reconciliation and "saving the marriage" should not be the knee-jerk reaction here.
You are not getting my point. On the other thread I linked to where the HUSBAND cheated by sending text to strippers everyone is saying leave (which I agree with), no one is blaming the poster. On here there are quite a few apologist for this guys WIFE, some are even blaming him and quite a few people already talking about saving the marriage. And this guys wife had a physical affair with the neighbor.

The difference is stark but not surprising. Female cheaters will always have white knights.
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post #111 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 12:56 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
Well, she will only get away with what the OP will allow. We teach people how to treat us, so ...

But, it's just how I see it, especially if the husband is the breadwinner, and the wife isn't working at all. Why do people think that their wayward spouse wants to stay married, if they were having sex with another person for the last several months? Does that sound like someone who really wants to be married? I don't understand the mindset of betrayed spouses who actually believe the lies from their wayward spouses, who sorry to say, are in a panic over losing their lifestyle.
It's the mindset of a desperate, emotionally traumatized person who is about to lose everything they hold dear in the world. They are losing their future as they planned it, their spouse whom they truly love, and possibly their time with their kids, AND are likely to be financially ruined.
Isn't it totally logical that they'd try to stay with their lousy, cheating spouse who doesn't love them in hopes that they won't lose ALL the aforementioned things?

It's rough, Deidre. Choose wisely when you decide to marry yourself! You don't want kids with a person of low character.
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post #112 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 01:00 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
That always strikes me as ''I'm not sure if I can make it on my own, and since you pay the bills and I have a good lifestyle, not sure I want to give that up just yet. If I could have my marriage AND my lover, I probably would stay, no question. But, since I have to make a choice...hmmm, I'm so confused.''

Funny, she was only confused when she got caught.

.
95% of cheating is about caking eating (that is my own Keyboard Commando statistic and it is right on the money LOL)

People are inherently lazy and do not like big, sweeping changes and so they like to live with the comforts and stability that a marriage can provide, but they also want the hot, passionate, porn sex of getting some strange on the side.

As long as she was getting both, she was good.

Yes, she may sincerely be dissatisfied with the OP and the marriage, but she wasn't so dissatisfied that she was actually making preparations and taking actions to leave the marriage (that we know of yet anyway)
So our assumption here is that she was good with the status quo of both the marriage and the hot monkey sex with the OM. All was well as long as it was a dark secret and nothing was upsetting the fruit cart.

She may be wanting a new life, but she was wanting to transition to that new life with no mess, no fuss, no snap decisions, no judgements from inlaws or neighbors or family etc, and she wanted to bide her time and do it on her time schedule at her leisure.

But now that the OP has had to meddle into her affairs (pun intended) and has blown up fruit cart in informing the OM's wife (well played OP. Well played!!) now she's going to have to decide what to do while everything is blowing up all around her and she is going to have to make some quick decisions and most scary of all..........

......wait for it.......................................

......wait for it...........

Other people might make some decisions for themselves that aren't in her better interests or according to her master plans.

That's right. The OM may throw her under the bus and cut off her hot monkey sex and all of her kibbles and nuggets that stroke her ego and tell her how cute and great she is.

And the OP may toss her out of the house and file papers on her that cuts off half of her financial accounts and cuts her access to her children in half and she may be sleeping on her parent's couch until she can find an apartment and pack up her stuff.

This is all very disturbing and inconvenient to a selfish, entitled person that is all about ME ME ME.

Her confusion is trying to decide what tale to spin and what story to tell and what mess to clean up to make her look the best right now. Her indecision is what course of action will be best for her if other people are pulling the rug out from under her master plan.

She not confused about whether cheating was right or wrong. She just doesn't know what will make her come out of this smelling like a rose at the moment.
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post #113 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 01:11 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
It's the mindset of a desperate, emotionally traumatized person who is about to lose everything they hold dear in the world. They are losing their future as they planned it, their spouse whom they truly love, and possibly their time with their kids, AND are likely to be financially ruined.
Isn't it totally logical that they'd try to stay with their lousy, cheating spouse who doesn't love them in hopes that they won't lose ALL the aforementioned things?

It's rough, Deidre. Choose wisely when you decide to marry yourself! You don't want kids with a person of low character.
I understand that, but if this woman was next door sleeping with the neighbor for months, there had to be a noticeable difference in how much time her and the OP were spending together. She was busy texting, on facebook, and actually sleeping with the guy. In other words, the marriage probably showed red flags for a while, but many time, people don't want to admit that their marriages aren't all that great. ''My wonderful wife of 10 years who I adore has been cheating on me.'' I mean, she's not wonderful. And what you adore, might be wishful thinking. That's all I'm saying, if people would get real with how their relationships have actually been for a while, they'd see that an affair as not being all that out of their spouse's character. I know people can fake the way they are, and live a double life, but this woman had to really be a great actress to pull off coming across like a great wife, AND also giving a LOT of time and sex to another man. I understand what you're saying, but nothing is ever as it seems, and often, when betrayed spouses look back over the past year or so leading up to when they find these things out, they can see there were red flags, but they didn't want to cause an argument, or whatever.

Not saying it's the BS fault, but it would be wise to just stop, and do nothing, and take it all in, instead of leaping to wanting to reconcile with the cheating spouse.
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post #114 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 01:12 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by jda79 View Post
So quick update.

Her response was "ok". She said, "Regardless, I don't know if I still want to be married."
A good response would've been that the choice of staying married is not really hers to make anymore. She can only choose to leave...staying is up to the OP. It takes to say yes, one to say no.

I want to give you a high 5 for dealing with so quickly and effectively. Keep strong and whatever the result is, keep being true to you and your kids.
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post #115 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 01:13 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by oldshirt View Post
95% of cheating is about caking eating (that is my own Keyboard Commando statistic and it is right on the money LOL)

People are inherently lazy and do not like big, sweeping changes and so they like to live with the comforts and stability that a marriage can provide, but they also want the hot, passionate, porn sex of getting some strange on the side.

As long as she was getting both, she was good.

Yes, she may sincerely be dissatisfied with the OP and the marriage, but she wasn't so dissatisfied that she was actually making preparations and taking actions to leave the marriage (that we know of yet anyway)
So our assumption here is that she was good with the status quo of both the marriage and the hot monkey sex with the OM. All was well as long as it was a dark secret and nothing was upsetting the fruit cart.

She may be wanting a new life, but she was wanting to transition to that new life with no mess, no fuss, no snap decisions, no judgements from inlaws or neighbors or family etc, and she wanted to bide her time and do it on her time schedule at her leisure.

But now that the OP has had to meddle into her affairs (pun intended) and has blown up fruit cart in informing the OM's wife (well played OP. Well played!!) now she's going to have to decide what to do while everything is blowing up all around her and she is going to have to make some quick decisions and most scary of all..........

......wait for it.......................................

......wait for it...........

Other people might make some decisions for themselves that aren't in her better interests or according to her master plans.

That's right. The OM may throw her under the bus and cut off her hot monkey sex and all of her kibbles and nuggets that stroke her ego and tell her how cute and great she is.

And the OP may toss her out of the house and file papers on her that cuts off half of her financial accounts and cuts her access to her children in half and she may be sleeping on her parent's couch until she can find an apartment and pack up her stuff.

This is all very disturbing and inconvenient to a selfish, entitled person that is all about ME ME ME.

Her confusion is trying to decide what tale to spin and what story to tell and what mess to clean up to make her look the best right now. Her indecision is what course of action will be best for her if other people are pulling the rug out from under her master plan.

She not confused about whether cheating was right or wrong. She just doesn't know what will make her come out of this smelling like a rose at the moment.
That makes sense, agree.

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post #116 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 01:18 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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I think her saying she is not sure she wants to be married is sincere and heartfelt. She is just trying to be honest with you, OP.
You took a lot of heat from this post. Word choice matters.

You put the "WW and Honest" in the same sentence.

Had you written: "When she tells you she is not sure she is in love with you, believe her. When she tells you she is not sure she wants to reconcile, believe her."

Had you written that, you would have an extra layer of epidermis on your pretty derriere.
Had you written that, you would have no "new" teeth marks on your soft neck.

Words matter. Your enemies will pick apart your words and put words in your pretty mouth. They will try to gag you...shoving bile coated expletives down your throat.

They do the same to me. Problem: I like words, I chew on them for days. Grinding them down, digesting them and the next day I crap out beautiful floral arrangements.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #117 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 01:25 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by oldshirt View Post
95% of cheating is about caking eating (that is my own Keyboard Commando statistic and it is right on the money LOL)

People are inherently lazy and do not like big, sweeping changes and so they like to live with the comforts and stability that a marriage can provide, but they also want the hot, passionate, porn sex of getting some strange on the side.

As long as she was getting both, she was good.

Yes, she may sincerely be dissatisfied with the OP and the marriage, but she wasn't so dissatisfied that she was actually making preparations and taking actions to leave the marriage (that we know of yet anyway)
So our assumption here is that she was good with the status quo of both the marriage and the hot monkey sex with the OM. All was well as long as it was a dark secret and nothing was upsetting the fruit cart.

She may be wanting a new life, but she was wanting to transition to that new life with no mess, no fuss, no snap decisions, no judgements from inlaws or neighbors or family etc, and she wanted to bide her time and do it on her time schedule at her leisure.

But now that the OP has had to meddle into her affairs (pun intended) and has blown up fruit cart in informing the OM's wife (well played OP. Well played!!) now she's going to have to decide what to do while everything is blowing up all around her and she is going to have to make some quick decisions and most scary of all..........

......wait for it.......................................

......wait for it...........

Other people might make some decisions for themselves that aren't in her better interests or according to her master plans.

That's right. The OM may throw her under the bus and cut off her hot monkey sex and all of her kibbles and nuggets that stroke her ego and tell her how cute and great she is.

And the OP may toss her out of the house and file papers on her that cuts off half of her financial accounts and cuts her access to her children in half and she may be sleeping on her parent's couch until she can find an apartment and pack up her stuff.

This is all very disturbing and inconvenient to a selfish, entitled person that is all about ME ME ME.

Her confusion is trying to decide what tale to spin and what story to tell and what mess to clean up to make her look the best right now. Her indecision is what course of action will be best for her if other people are pulling the rug out from under her master plan.

She not confused about whether cheating was right or wrong. She just doesn't know what will make her come out of this smelling like a rose at the moment.
Well her master plan blew up because she is no where near being a master planner. More like going with what feels good right now. Very poor, immature and selfish choices. The fact that she thinks she can control her husband by telling him to be careful about not doing anything rash and to please not tell OM`s wife only should further infuriate OP. She is still making it all about her and OM!

The husband is involved just to control and manipulate this outcome to buy her and the OM time. Her husband and the kids are not even a concern to her. She is certain she can control that part. She is a real piece of shi...work indeed!

How can reconciliation happen with a cheater like this?

Not at this point for sure, maybe in the future, but probably never though.

Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
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post #118 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 01:34 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by Bibi1031 View Post
Well her master plan blew up because she is no where near being a master planner. More like going with what feels good right now. Very poor, immature and selfish choices. The fact that she thinks she can control her husband by telling him to be careful about not doing anything rash and to please not tell OM`s wife only should further infuriate OP. She is still making it all about her and OM!

The husband is involved just to control and manipulate this outcome to buy her and the OM time. Her husband and the kids are not even a concern to her. She is certain she can control that part. She is a real piece of shi...work indeed!
This x 1000
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post #119 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 01:35 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
I understand that, but if this woman was next door sleeping with the neighbor for months, there had to be a noticeable difference in how much time her and the OP were spending together. She was busy texting, on facebook, and actually sleeping with the guy. In other words, the marriage probably showed red flags for a while, but many time, people don't want to admit that their marriages aren't all that great. ''My wonderful wife of 10 years who I adore has been cheating on me.'' I mean, she's not wonderful. And what you adore, might be wishful thinking. That's all I'm saying, if people would get real with how their relationships have actually been for a while, they'd see that an affair as not being all that out of their spouse's character. I know people can fake the way they are, and live a double life, but this woman had to really be a great actress to pull off coming across like a great wife, AND also giving a LOT of time and sex to another man. I understand what you're saying, but nothing is ever as it seems, and often, when betrayed spouses look back over the past year or so leading up to when they find these things out, they can see there were red flags, but they didn't want to cause an argument, or whatever.

Not saying it's the BS fault, but it would be wise to just stop, and do nothing, and take it all in, instead of leaping to wanting to reconcile with the cheating spouse.



It's not necessarily true that an affair will show on any radar screens though. Affairs between married players are not like single people dating where there are candlelight dinners and moonlight walks on the beach and hours and hours of deep interpersonal discussions and soul-baring.

Sometimes all it is a little flirtation and nod and wink and it is off to the races.

Married cheaters are often just in it for a few kibbles of passion and excitement. The actual trysts can literally take place in minutes.

A blow job and some fingering can place in 5 minutes in the back of a grocery store parking lot. A quick bang can take place standing up in the cleaning closet at the office.

A neighbor can run over to the other's house for a few minutes while both spouses are out running errands.

It really can go on for many months or even literally years before there is any time-stamp that seems out of place.

All married cheaters need to do is establish that there is a mutual attraction and that the other party is game and then everything is open game. Since all their other needs are met at home, all they have to do is establish that they are each DTF and then it is anything goes.

That can play out incrementally unnoticed over months or it can literally take place in a matter of minutes. The actual physical trysts can take place in as little as a few minutes anywhere.

The BS should never be judged for not realizing an A is taking place. Yes sometimes it because as obvious as night and day, but most times the cheaters are able to pull it off right under everyone's noses for a long long time without any indications at all.

When a BS starts to smell a rat, the place is completely infested with rodents of all shapes and sizes and what they catch is always the very tip of the iceberg.
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post #120 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 01:42 PM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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It's not necessarily true that an affair will show on any radar screens though. Affairs between married players are not like single people dating where there are candlelight dinners and moonlight walks on the beach and hours and hours of deep interpersonal discussions and soul-baring.

Sometimes all it is a little flirtation and nod and wink and it is off to the races.

Married cheaters are often just in it for a few kibbles of passion and excitement. The actual trysts can literally take place in minutes.

A blow job and some fingering can place in 5 minutes in the back of a grocery store parking lot. A quick bang can take place standing up in the cleaning closet at the office.

A neighbor can run over to the other's house for a few minutes while both spouses are out running errands.

It really can go on for many months or even literally years before there is any time-stamp that seems out of place.

All married cheaters need to do is establish that there is a mutual attraction and that the other party is game and then everything is open game. Since all their other needs are met at home, all they have to do is establish that they are each DTF and then it is anything goes.

That can play out incrementally unnoticed over months or it can literally take place in a matter of minutes. The actual physical trysts can take place in as little as a few minutes anywhere.

The BS should never be judged for not realizing an A is taking place. Yes sometimes it because as obvious as night and day, but most times the cheaters are able to pull it off right under everyone's noses for a long long time without any indications at all.

When a BS starts to smell a rat, the place is completely infested with rodents of all shapes and sizes and what they catch is always the very tip of the iceberg.
Yes, I understand what you're saying. And agree.

I'm not judging the BS, ever. I always put full blame on cheaters for their choices. I'm just saying, that if he looks back, he might see some red flags. Even in LTR's, we can overlook red flags because we have hope that things will get better. I never fault BS for having hope.
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