Just Caught My Wife Cheating - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 01:00 AM Thread Starter
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Just Caught My Wife Cheating

So I just checked my wife's FB messages and found out that my wife has been cheating on me with a neighbor. We have been married for 13 years and have 3 kids and I love her dearly. They have been texting for about 5 months and I think having sex for a couple of months. I read all of the messages and they were heartbreaking...talking about sex and stuff. She mentions in her texts she doesn't have love for me talked about divorcing me for him. When I confronted her about it, she was in shock I found out. I didn't lash out but told her how heartbroken I am. I asked her about when she was going to ask me for a divorce and she said she didn't know, she said it "comes and goes". I asked her if she would now pursue a divorce and she said she didn't know, "I'm in shock". I said if she wants to try and make it work, she has to break it off with him immediately. She said OK. AFter the confrontation, I check her FB message again and she told the other guy that I knew everything and asked I don't ruin his family. It seems my wife is his 3rd affair. I mentioned that I don't know what to do but have lots of thinking to do.

We are taking the kids to the beach in a week...not sure what to do about that now..

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post #2 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 01:14 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

Sorry man.

If the neighbor is married, expose the affair to his wife.

Oh, and back up all of your evidence.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #3 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 01:30 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

So sorry JDA that you are here but at least you know now and can take action:

1. Insist she give you access to all phones, pc, etc, sounds like you have a key logger in place. VAR her car too, to ensure she is still on no contact. If necessary insist on a lie detector test.
2. have her write out a time line of her affair - tell her you have not decided what to do and will be consulting a lawyer (she needs to be shaking in her boots) but she better not lie as you will find out and all bets are off
3. Contact OM wife and blow up his world, give all the details you have found out, let him be busy saving his own marriage, hopefully he will move away.
4. Contact the lawyer and see what the options are - even if you reconcile, it is good to know
5. Get yourself some IC, to handle the next couple of months
6. Your wife has to be doing everything to bend over backwards for you to reconcile, tell her this, if not you will proceed with divorce
7. Consider MC when the dust has settled

You will soon find out if she is truly remorseful or just sorry she got caught. A cheater who is more worried about their own discomfort that your pain is not one you should reconcile with, it will set you up for a life of misery.

Do not make any decisions right now as things are raw and emotional

Keep coming here to get advice and support as there are many men who have been in your shoes
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post #4 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 01:45 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

It's good you posted here. Your situation emabarrassing due to the neighbour thing. If it makes it any easier the affair was probably just a fantasy. It was exciting because it was forbidden. It looks like she doesn't view this guy as relationship material, however, she has clearly considered it. She needs to convince you that she wants to stay married. It's going to be a slow process. I think you should tell her you will agree to marraige counceling if she demonstrates honesty and she understands she is going to have to work for it.

I also agree with you that it would be good to get some space mentally. Can she go and stay with parents for a few days? You should read some stories here and find someone you can identify with. You need to figure out what is going to make this situation palatable for you. You might feel you need to move away.

Last edited by smi11ie; 04-08-2017 at 01:54 AM.
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post #5 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 01:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

Yeah, I feel terrible...3am and probably won't sleep at all.

I know the other guy's family and kids. Think I should give him the chance to tell his family first or just go ahead and do it myself? I'm thinking of his wife and kids, not him.
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post #6 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 01:49 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

Thanks for the advice.
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post #7 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 02:08 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

What is a VAR?
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post #8 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 02:17 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by jda79 View Post
Yeah, I feel terrible...3am and probably won't sleep at all.

I know the other guy's family and kids. Think I should give him the chance to tell his family first or just go ahead and do it myself? I'm thinking of his wife and kids, not him.
Giving OM time to do anything just means giving him time to spin it so that you're a liar and crazy.

Want this affair over and done with?

Blow it up. (Hopefully you've already backed up your evidence. If it, do it now. Don't put it on a USB key and leave it lying around -- push it up into the Cloud.)

Do it tactfully, though.

There is a way to expose the affair out of concern for your marriage and family... think of it as an appeal to have your friends, family, etc, sort of "lobby" your wife on behalf of -- and out of concern for -- your marriage and family.

And that's if you even WANT to reconcile.

Hell... you just found out.

Once all the details start pouring in and the mind movies start, you might be ready to divorce.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #9 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 02:18 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by jda79 View Post
What is a VAR?
Voice-activated recorder

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #10 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 02:30 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by jda79 View Post
So I just checked my wife's FB messages and found out that my wife has been cheating on me with a neighbor. We have been married for 13 years and have 3 kids and I love her dearly. They have been texting for about 5 months and I think having sex for a couple of months. I read all of the messages and they were heartbreaking...talking about sex and stuff. She mentions in her texts she doesn't have love for me talked about divorcing me for him. When I confronted her about it, she was in shock I found out. I didn't lash out but told her how heartbroken I am. I asked her about when she was going to ask me for a divorce and she said she didn't know, she said it "comes and goes". I asked her if she would now pursue a divorce and she said she didn't know, "I'm in shock". I said if she wants to try and make it work, she has to break it off with him immediately. She said OK. AFter the confrontation, I check her FB message again and she told the other guy that I knew everything and asked I don't ruin his family. It seems my wife is his 3rd affair. I mentioned that I don't know what to do but have lots of thinking to do.

We are taking the kids to the beach in a week...not sure what to do about that now..
You said yourself you are in shock, don't be so quick to give her a chance to stay. Sounds like she doesn't love you, do you really want to be in a relationship with a women who doesn't love you? Or who will treat you and her children's father like that? Don't resign yourself to a deal you may hate one day. In other words don't make a decision on 3 hours sleep after suffering the worst betrayal of your life. First heal and get strong and see where you are. It will be better for you in the long run, better for your recovery. Something is broken in your wife that enabled her to treat you this way. She could have just divorced you. You need to get strong real quick. Also F this guy tell his wife she deserves to know. Speak to a lawyer to learn your options.

The ones who get strong fast do better

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post #11 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 02:37 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

Thanks.

I have everything. Even took pictures of the messages on her phone.

I will let the other wife know tomorrow and show her everything.

You mentioned friends and family, should I let my family know now or wait?
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post #12 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 02:39 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

Get checked for STDs and make sure your wife knows.

And tell her you're doing DNA tests on the kids and watch her reaction.

“The time's gone by for sentiment and all that foolery. Mercy's all very well but after all it's justice that clinches the bargain.”


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
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post #13 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 02:52 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

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Originally Posted by jda79 View Post
Thanks.

I have everything. Even took pictures of the messages on her phone.

I will let the other wife know tomorrow and show her everything.

You mentioned friends and family, should I let my family know now or wait?
I would hold off on exposing to more than OM's wife for now.

Get some rest, get your bearings, find out what your end game is, and then proceed.

And make sure that your wife can't delete your evidence. If you don't have a passcode on your phone, enable one. If you do, change it. And if your wife is able to access your phone via fingerprint reader, delete any of her fingerprints that are stored on the phone.

Change the passwords for your email and social media accounts.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #14 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 03:12 AM
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

jda79 : listen to those guys who have posted. This sucks. We've all been there. It hurts big time.

Right now, you most likely want to save your marriage. You need to do research here on things to do. Keep your eyes and ears open and mouth shut.

- Whatever actions you decide to do, DO IT! Don't warn or threaten wife with what you MAY do...
- When possible, as you find out more and want opinions - look here or ASK here first.
- Get a SONY var. They sell it at BestBuy and other electronics stores - even bestbuy. Don't buy it with a creditcard that your wife may notice on a creditcard purchase or amazon account. Maybe have a friend buy it foryou. You need 1 or 2 of theses. DO NOT let her know you have them.
1 goes in her car. The other, hide or keep in your pocket when you both are going to have a sit-down talk about your relationship. You want to keep this as proof and so you can review later. Your mind can be foggy and you may not catch or understand what she is saying.
- get the SONY VAR that is about $50 which has a USB port. Turn off the beep (button press).

- DO NOT think you KNOW YOUR WIFE. She's had sex with your neighbor behind your back. She is considering leaving you and hurting hee children over a serial cheater, she's been played. She can actually turn on you... and having a VAR can be handy if that happens. When my wife assaulted me and ended up arrested... I forgot I even had the VAR going at the time. The only blood the police saw was mine. Sure I could win in a fight with her, but I'm not going to beat down a woman half my size. The recording has me saying "stop, go away" and "stop hitting me" while she is cursing, screaming and making a ruckus.

- You *WILL* need to expose the affair now. best way to get that guy to stay away from you and your wife. His wife should know what he's doing... wouldn't you have wanted someone to tell you? Don't warn your wife... just do it.

- take photos of any and ALL evidence... Use your phone to take pics of messages of her phone... even showing the phone itself.
- document everything.

Buy this book, read it... it will take about 90minutes. Then give it to your wife to read - *IF* you both are thinking about staying together (reconciliation)
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spo...t+just+friends

Get this book as well... its 400 pages... it may help you, may help her. Who knows. Right now, your wife is not thinking.
https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Frie...X6TXBKZ9TGQ6MP

If you want to divorce, then start on it now. Get a lawyer and have her served... while her head is in the fog.

The "help your spouse" book is for cheaters. It's written in a way that they may understand. Your wife is on the fence... so its worth a shot to have her read it. If she refuses and the other things that aine has told you to do. Then move for divorce, even if you DO NOT want to.

Start on 180. It's hard, but do not play nice with your "wife".

Supporting those who want to divorce or reconcile. Not every relationship is the same.
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post #15 of 207 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 03:19 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Just Caught My Wife Cheating

Great advice, thank you.
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