What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair? - Page 10 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 200Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #136 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 08:27 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Truthseeker1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,629
Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
That's why I roll my eyes up all the way into the back of my head when I read the utter NONSENSE so many BS's post on SI about the supposed 'bad' sex their husbands claim to have had with their OW. You can actually picture them smirking with a sense of superiority as they type their post because they actually believe the bull**** they were fed by their cheaters on D-Day.

You constantly see BS's posting, "the OW begged my husband to have sex and finally wore him down. But he couldn't keep an erection no matter how hard he tried and he threw up on the way home...." or, "my husband had sex with her once and he said it was SO horrible that he kept finding excuses not to do it again..." and, "he hated having sex with her and said he had to think of ME when he did it or he couldn't finish..."

OMG. The sheer delusion. Seriously.
Agreed - if your spouse has a short term or long term affair they were liking the sex and their AP a whole lot.


“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
Truthseeker1 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #137 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 08:38 AM
Member
 
She'sStillGotIt's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Back east
Posts: 768
Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
When your son is grown then what? I think staying for the kids is a terrible mistake. Modeling a loveless marriage will affect him just as much as divorce. But it's your life. At least do an ask reddit or something.
Like a lot of BS's who use their children as an excuse to stay right where they are, it's really more about allowing your fear to paralyze you into not doing a positive thing about it. It's just a lot easier to believe you're doing it for the kids. You see this all the time.
She'sStillGotIt is offline  
post #138 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 08:55 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Truthseeker1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,629
Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
Like a lot of BS's who use their children as an excuse to stay right where they are, it's really more about allowing your fear to paralyze you into not doing a positive thing about it. It's just a lot easier to believe you're doing it for the kids. You see this all the time.
I know BSs have a variety of reasons for staying - kids, money, family or even fear. Believe it or not I dont judge people who stay. But it seems to me that the affair casts a permanent shadow over the marriage. Things can get back to good enough and many people are ok with that.

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
Truthseeker1 is offline  
 
post #139 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 09:10 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Fort Lauderdale, FL
Posts: 444
Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Truthseeker1 View Post
Agreed - if your spouse has a short term or long term affair they were liking the sex and their AP a whole lot.
Meh, not necessarily, sex with someone new can be odd for sure, as neither knows each other well enough yet. And in the case of my W she gave OM sex in return for attention and compliments, she didn't care much for the sex, just did it but didn't enjoy it much (this were her words in text messages to her toxic friend during A, am not just going by her own words to me btw).
I think overall generalization of affairs and what happens within them is incorrect, sure they all follow a very similar script, but the actors are all different and so are their feelings n experiences
CantBelieveThis is offline  
post #140 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 09:18 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Truthseeker1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,629
Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by CantBelieveThis View Post
Meh, not necessarily, sex with someone new can be odd for sure, as neither knows each other well enough yet. And in the case of my W she gave OM sex in return for attention and compliments, she didn't care much for the sex, just did it but didn't enjoy it much (this were her words in text messages to her toxic friend during A, am not just going by her own words to me btw).
I think overall generalization of affairs and what happens within them is incorrect, sure they all follow a very similar script, but the actors are all different and so are their feelings n experiences
The WS had a good time with the A if they kept going back perhaps the sex was less fun than the seduction or vice versa but they were enjoying it.

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
Truthseeker1 is offline  
post #141 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 09:51 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 4,263
Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Quality View Post
SI is a cesspool. The deceased former admin liked it that way and anyone that truly wanted to recover would leave that place and get about doing it and living it.


I don't care if you think I'm maladjusted.

When you roll around in the mud with pigs, you tend to get a little dirty yourself.

Again, my message of hope is simply offered as a counterbalance to the perpetual message of hopelessness being offered purposefully, persistently and passive aggressively, in direct opposition to reality and without any practical relevant experience, by you and a few others on this forum.

It's not completely, entirely and utterly impossible to have a much better marriage and even a great model marriage in spite of previous infidelity. It doesn't happen every time and certainly it's a lot more challenging to get there after infidelity. It's hard to get there even without infidelity; but, sometimes, such marital trauma DOES, like a near death experience, alter the trajectory of the marital relationship to heights it probably wouldn't have seen any other way. We weren't good at marriage ~ now we are and THAT is what made|makes all the difference.
Funny I think I offer hope as of the stories I read about R it is always always done out of fear. I want to empower people to not be afraid to find better. My hope is to let people know there are better people out there, you can still have a relationship where you don't have to watch your spouse like a child, you don't have to block out mind movies to have sex with them. You don't have to feel bad about yourself to be with them. You don't have to compromise what was at one point a core principle for your life (never staying with someone who cheats on you). You don't have to live in denial about out how disloyal and despicable these people were to you and many often time your children. Even though deep in your mind you know it. And even when the problems are less in the forefront you don't have to spend every moment of your marriage filtered through the lens of infidelity. Worrying about where the triggers are going to come from. That is a true hope for healing.

There are SO many people who when they hear these stories cringe at the level of blatant debasement of the WS. Those are the types of people who make good spouses. Most of the time the WS had some sort of mental or emotional damage that really makes them a poor choice for a relationship anyway. At least until the do really hard work. And they shouldn't be in the middle of doing this hard work while also juggling a damaged spouse. It's like a person learning to play piano and giving a concerto at the same time. It's unfair to the WS too. If you do R what do you get in the end. Even most of the best WS doesn't ever really understand the magnitude of what they have done. The don't have that in them it's why they do it in the first place. They don't think about relationships like we do. In the end you are still married to a person who stabbed you in the back. The cost/reward is really just not worth it.

For every success story like maybe yours is there are about 1000 people posting on these boards miserable sometimes 20 years later. And even you who may be happy, for you to do it you and your wife basically made it your ministry. So that moment has basically consumed your entire life. Do you ever tell the person thinking of R that it will basically have to become your life's work to get over it? You should at least do that. I wonder what you would have done if you had just moved on. I doubt you would be posting on this board. What you are advocating if for is like the lottery. The majority of the people in these situations are never going to have good marriages. They are going to have marriages that survived. They are going to be stuck in dead marriages. That's a tragedy and your advice perpetuates it.

You always talk about how bad SI is, but it is the number one site for people going through infidelity, and long term recovery. You may not like it but it probably the most accurate picture of what life is like for most people in R. Because if you are going to post about it that is where you are going to do it. It's not a small sample size, its people from all over the world so I think it probably gives a accurate picture of human nature. The only part of the site where people are consistently happy is in the Starting Over part. And all those people divorced. That's the thing. You may not like it but SI is probably the greatest unfiltered sample size of what people who are trying to get through infidelity lives are like as. It's anonymous and wide open. Here is the other thing, I don't really see much difference here or any of the boards.

So I say even though you want people to have a life like you have, what most people end up with is what those people on SI have. You hate that site because you see their misery. But that is what your advice is leading them to. Now I can here you. The people I council have great lives. How many of the people on this board are you going to council individually? NONE. The truth is most people don't have it in them to put in the effort to make R a part of there whole lives like you did. To be a broken WS daily counselor like a BS has to do when there are sever emotional problems. So it's no wonder they wind up with marriages like the ones on SI. Most people come on here and want us to tell them a way for their marriage is going to go back to the way was before. It's wrong to give them false hope in that. It's better to give them a more achievable hope.

By the way I am very glad my Mom who desperately wanted to R with my Dad didn't get the chance. He would have cheated again as he did on his long term girlfriend. He never had it in him to be a faithful spouse. It's not in his nature. And if we had to have gone through it twice I don't know if she or I would have survived it. Let say you could have advocated for that and then he had cheated again would you have and culpability in that?

Last edited by sokillme; 04-14-2017 at 01:57 PM.
sokillme is online now  
post #142 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 11:00 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 197
Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
See no real justice. The sadness in your story is why I push so hard for BS to move on. When this happened you could have moved on and not had to live with all this disappointment in your life. There are a lot of guys who do this though. So many melancholy post from men who stayed.

So here is a bunch of questions..

Why didn't you move on, did you think it was going to be this way then or did you think you would eventually return to the way the marriage was before? How did you find out? Are you sure you have all the facts and this was her first rodeo? I think people are ether cheaters or non cheaters like how you wouldn't do it, even though you had a chance and some wouldn't blame you. So I always find it fishy that someones character could just change for one single night. That doesn't fit with my experience, more like there was other maybe smaller things and boundaries being pushed. You talk about red flags was your wife always pushing the limits? Does your wife know and feel the loss too (the magic pedestal thing you talk about)? I suspect most WS don't because the didn't value it in the first place. (just read your other post which confirms my thoughts).

Here is a biggie, what if you just happened to meet someone, not looking who you really clicked with. Would you stay out of duty and honor? I don't believe you could stay out of loyalty as that went out the window.

Sorry for the interrogation.
Yesterday was kind of a "melancholy" (very appropriate word) day for me and I let some stuff out. I really don't want to go over a bunch of specifics again as I'm not really seeking any advice, just adding to the conversation on long term effects.

Upon years of reflection, I'm solid in my belief that I made the right choice to R in my specific circumstance, but I had much easier circumstances than most. I was dealing with a short ONS and 10 day EA after the vacation where I picked up on weird behaviors quickly and busted her ... I read a tip to check her "sent" folder and sure enough ... she had deleted the incoming, but forgot the sent. Also, there was no real threat ... no ILY's, no emotional attachment, just a stupid black-out drunken bad choice, no doubt encouraged by a true "player" type preying on unattached women in an all-inclusive tropical resort location. While not making excuses, there is also some evidence that a date rape type drug may have been used. Our MC picked up on that possibility later on, and had us do some reading on "Power Rapists" and OM hit on like 7 of the 10 defining characteristics. Also, from reading the emails, it was clear this was more like a high school crush ... very superficial and immature. In fact, in one of the email my W stated how she felt like she was back in high school.

I also acted swiftly to control the damage. Less than 15 minutes after discovery, I issued a strict ultimatum ... never contact OM again and recommit to us fully, which she did, while begging, apologizing, and admitting her stupidity or she could pack her **** and go. I then confronted OM by phone the next day, with W listening on the extension, and while he did corroborate her story, he also threw my W under the bus to keep me from blowing up his world ... I could probably still dig up the email I sent him to get him to call me and confess (some of my better work, on short notice and under extreme stress) ... so she got to hear first hand how he was just trolling for ***** and had to accept she'd been used and manipulated.

At that time, although she was 42 years old, she had lived a sheltered life and was very immature in her world views. This was also her first real life changing screw up, and as the enormity of her stupidity sunk in, she was forced to grow up and face the ****storm she caused. It didn't occur overnight, or as quickly as I would have liked, but she is evolving and becoming more self aware, and although her old selfish tendencies pop up every now and then, I don't hesitate to call her out of her **** when she does it.

She is a much better W and partner now than 10 years ago, but as truthseeker correctly pointed out, there will always be that shadow over what could have been, and the cost of that improvement was not nearly worth the price paid.

As for your last question, if I do an honest self-assessment of the guy in the mirror, I have a content, enjoyable and happy life. I am healthier than most and looking forward to retirement in a little over 3 years, where I can spend all the time I want with my bird dogs, travel some, and overall enjoy life and my W will be a large important part of that, so I'm not interested in looking for a "soulmate" (even if I believed is such a thing) should such a mythical being cross my path.

Thanks to you and truthseeker for a good discussion.
MyRevelation is online now  
post #143 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 12:07 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Truthseeker1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,629
Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MyRevelation View Post

She is a much better W and partner now than 10 years ago, but as truthseeker correctly pointed out, there will always be that shadow over what could have been, and the cost of that improvement was not nearly worth the price paid.


Thanks to you and truthseeker for a good discussion.
@MyRevelation I have enjoyed our discussion as well. The point of this thread is to discuss the realistic effects of an affair on most marriages. Right now as I write this I have TWO very close friends going through this - in one case the infidelity occurred over a decade ago and the other it is still fresh. There have been lasting effects on both of them I'm afraid and there is no getting around that.

The thing is the price that is paid as you point out is paid mostly by the BS not the WS. In your case you reacted DECISIVELY and quickly. Please don't misunderstand my comments as questioning your motives for R. IMO and I know this defies TAM orthodoxy some affairs are indeed worse than others. In my opinion it goes like this:

Online EA<EA<ONS <Short term A < LTA

As you have pointed out even in this scenario: a ONS, "remorseful" WW and R there is STILL a shadow over the marriage. I wonder if the WS sees the shadow as much as the BS - I really don't think so.

All of us here have been permanently wounded by our SO's infidelity - if not we would not be here discussing the topic. Cheating is a cruel, vicious and selfish way to look for satisfaction and unless cheated on the WS will never get that. In one of the cases my friends XWS is remarrying and is running around like they are playing out some romance novel with their new fiance. The Bs is still dealing with the financial and emotional fallout - see what I mean? Am I wrong to hope they come home and find their new spouse in bed with a hot 25 yo after a couple of year of marriage?

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
Truthseeker1 is offline  
post #144 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 12:34 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 4,263
Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MyRevelation View Post
Yesterday was kind of a "melancholy" (very appropriate word) day for me and I let some stuff out. I really don't want to go over a bunch of specifics again as I'm not really seeking any advice, just adding to the conversation on long term effects.

Upon years of reflection, I'm solid in my belief that I made the right choice to R in my specific circumstance, but I had much easier circumstances than most. I was dealing with a short ONS and 10 day EA after the vacation where I picked up on weird behaviors quickly and busted her ... I read a tip to check her "sent" folder and sure enough ... she had deleted the incoming, but forgot the sent. Also, there was no real threat ... no ILY's, no emotional attachment, just a stupid black-out drunken bad choice, no doubt encouraged by a true "player" type preying on unattached women in an all-inclusive tropical resort location. While not making excuses, there is also some evidence that a date rape type drug may have been used. Our MC picked up on that possibility later on, and had us do some reading on "Power Rapists" and OM hit on like 7 of the 10 defining characteristics. Also, from reading the emails, it was clear this was more like a high school crush ... very superficial and immature. In fact, in one of the email my W stated how she felt like she was back in high school.

I also acted swiftly to control the damage. Less than 15 minutes after discovery, I issued a strict ultimatum ... never contact OM again and recommit to us fully, which she did, while begging, apologizing, and admitting her stupidity or she could pack her **** and go. I then confronted OM by phone the next day, with W listening on the extension, and while he did corroborate her story, he also threw my W under the bus to keep me from blowing up his world ... I could probably still dig up the email I sent him to get him to call me and confess (some of my better work, on short notice and under extreme stress) ... so she got to hear first hand how he was just trolling for ***** and had to accept she'd been used and manipulated.

At that time, although she was 42 years old, she had lived a sheltered life and was very immature in her world views. This was also her first real life changing screw up, and as the enormity of her stupidity sunk in, she was forced to grow up and face the ****storm she caused. It didn't occur overnight, or as quickly as I would have liked, but she is evolving and becoming more self aware, and although her old selfish tendencies pop up every now and then, I don't hesitate to call her out of her **** when she does it.

She is a much better W and partner now than 10 years ago, but as truthseeker correctly pointed out, there will always be that shadow over what could have been, and the cost of that improvement was not nearly worth the price paid.

As for your last question, if I do an honest self-assessment of the guy in the mirror, I have a content, enjoyable and happy life. I am healthier than most and looking forward to retirement in a little over 3 years, where I can spend all the time I want with my bird dogs, travel some, and overall enjoy life and my W will be a large important part of that, so I'm not interested in looking for a "soulmate" (even if I believed is such a thing) should such a mythical being cross my path.

Thanks to you and truthseeker for a good discussion.
There is honor in what you have decided to do. I suspect from your post that that may be something for you to find joy in even if your marriage didn't turn out to be all you wanted it to.
sokillme is online now  
post #145 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 12:39 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Truthseeker1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,629
Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
There is honor in what you have decided to do. I suspect from your post that that may be something for you to find joy in even if your marriage didn't turn out to be all you wanted it to.
I think this is very true... @MyRevelation is both honorable and honest....I think this is the source of my advocacy for the Bs..many Bs are honorable people whose WSs know they have the luxury of an honorable faithful spouse while they went out and had their fun. The Ws got to have some fun on the side but has no mind movies, severe triggers, etc and know they are in R with someone who is faithful. Makes me nauseous.


“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
Truthseeker1 is offline  
post #146 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 12:59 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 4,263
Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by She'sStillGotIt View Post
OMG. The sheer delusion. Seriously.
It's not delusion as much as it is self-deception. That is what it takes most times to be able to be with the person in the first place. Maybe not with the drunken ONS type but any long term affair. How could it not. Some of the monumentally awful things these people do to their spouses. The lack of human decency. How can you continue to share your life with someone like that if you didn't purposely have some magic thinking about it. I am convinced this is why these BSs post on these board for years and years. Part of the pain is because they have forced there minds to believe something that they know deep down inside is not logical. So there is a kind of dull dissonance that drives them crazy. Every time they think of their spouse there is always the nagging truth about them that they are forced to ignore. Like living with a Tiger.

People who put down their spouses sexual performances or body to the AP, how could you read that and still try to stay with a person like that. How can you have sex with a person like that. People who lie for years and years. Whose lived two separate lives for years and years. The monumental amount of lies that takes. That basically means this persons whole being was about lying day in and day out. How can you hope to build a life with a person like that. Beyond the betrayal there is the aspect of the mental and emotional handicap that most of these people have. Something has to be very wrong in the brain to be able to behave that way. The thing that in most of us repulses us when we think of treating other human beings like that is missing in these people. I think maybe they can learn through repetition , but actually having a true emotional understanding about it, they never will. I don't think emotions can be learned, they just are. So how can you expect to have a normal relationship with someone like that. Training your mind to do stuff without normal emotional check also takes years and years. So while this is going on every time they fail it puts the BS back to stage one, until you also eventually get to the point where deceit becomes a standard part of life. That is what a BS gives up. It's harmful for them to do that. It's morally wrong to encourage them to do it.
sokillme is online now  
post #147 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 01:01 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Truthseeker1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,629
Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

@sokillme it has to be painful for the Bs to admit to themselves that their Ws enjoyed shagging someone else while married to them.

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
Truthseeker1 is offline  
post #148 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 01:01 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 4,263
Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Truthseeker1 View Post
I think this is very true... @MyRevelation is both honorable and honest....I think this is the source of my advocacy for the Bs..many Bs are honorable people whose WSs know they have the luxury of an honorable faithful spouse while they went out and had their fun. The Ws got to have some fun on the side but has no mind movies, severe triggers, etc and know they are in R with someone who is faithful. Makes me nauseous.
Doesn't take away the honor though. However I think there is much less honor if any if you repeatedly let your spouse abuse you. The honorable thing then is to stick up for yourself. You must protect your life as it is a gift.
sokillme is online now  
post #149 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 01:03 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Truthseeker1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,629
Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
You must protect your life as it is a gift.
The Bs needs to do whatever they need to in order to heal - period. Ever read a whiny Ws who is crying because their WS said mean things to them? I just roll my eyes...

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard

Last edited by Truthseeker1; 04-14-2017 at 02:13 PM.
Truthseeker1 is offline  
post #150 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 01:34 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 4,263
Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Truthseeker1 View Post
@sokillme it has to be painful for the Bs to admit to themselves that their Ws enjoyed shagging someone else while married to them.
True but I think the ones who do are much better off in the long run. Again I think some of the people in pain even years later are there because they have not come to terms with the truth of what happened. You lose the sense that you have a sense of reality in a way. You lose your confidence and sense of stability that way.

Being cheated on robs you of your confidence that you have a grasp of the reality of your life. That is a big part of the pain. The thought that everything I thought about this relationship and this person was wrong. Your like how did this happen, it's like waking up in the twilight zone. A sever mind ****. But worse is continuing to live in denial just to avoid the pain of the truth. If you do that you never get back to feeling confident in your sense of reality. If you want to heal you need to come to terms with the fact that yes, you were totally wrong about the person you loved. Yes it was not what you thought it was. So your new healthy reality is yes I can be wrong about people even though I am convinced I know them the best. That is a hard thing, but at least it's honest and true thing. It also gives you the ability to create a contingency for this reality. You now understand that you have to be more careful. That's healing.

To do that however also requires the BS to admit just who it was they had or have a relationship with, oh this person who I loved is really a ****ty person, a deceiver and I may never really know them because they are so good at hiding who they are. Being with this person is probably emotionally dangerous. It's hard to R and believe that about the person you are R'ing with.

So what I see a lot of BS's doing is forcing a kind of magic thinking about their WSs. They were depressed because their parents died. I wasn't paying enough attention to them so they found it elsewhere. It was never about sex because the sex sucked. They now realize it was wrong whereas before they had no idea it would hurt me this bad (yet they lied about it for months, why would they lie if they didn't think it was wrong). The AP tricked and seduced them into it because they have a magic tongue. All manner of self deception. I see WS do this about themselves too.

The problem with this is logically it falls apart. If those were the reasons they would be the reasons for anyone, yet lots of people have just those same circumstance and don't cheat. There in lies the disconnect. The person in denial can't make these two ideas fit. So they struggle. It's why the big question is always, I still don't know why they did it. The answer is you DO know why you just don't want to face it. They did it because it's who they are and what they wanted. It's really a very simple yet very painful truth.

The bigger problem is when you do that you never come to terms with reality of life and relationships. Everyone susceptible to being tricked and your WS is good at tricking you and probably others. This is what I mean when I say cheating destroyed my innocence about relationships. Also when you do this you never learn to build that all important contingency. Which is something everyone needs to protect themselves. I think this is a small part of the reasons you find people getting cheated on in multiple relationships. Besides the codependency issue that attracts the wrong type of people and also causes attraction to the wrong type of person. Part of getting over the codependency thing is learning that broken people can't be saved by you and are probably best to be avoided as far as having a relationship because they are emotionally dangerous. A painful truth, but a necessary one.

If you don't get this you end up still stuck in that twilight zone of uncertainty mostly about yourself.

Last edited by sokillme; 04-14-2017 at 01:39 PM.
sokillme is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Defining long term success aine Long Term Success in Marriage 16 03-15-2017 03:49 PM
Long term separation, don't know how to move on Hellomynameis Going Through Divorce or Separation 24 12-16-2016 02:23 PM
How long is long enough: need advice trek Reconciliation 8 06-05-2016 04:27 PM
To BS who's WS had a long term affair... badmemory Coping with Infidelity 35 02-10-2016 04:08 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome