What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair? - Page 11 - Talk About Marriage
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post #151 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 01:53 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Doesn't take away the honor though. However I think there is much less honor if any if you repeatedly let your spouse abuse you. The honorable thing then is to stick up for yourself. You must protect your life as it is a gift.
I couldn't agree more. I hate what happened to us, but I am proud of how I handled myself in the aftermath. I simply refused to remain in infidelity limbo for even one second, and from that second forward the power dynamic in our M was changed. I had always had an issue with one of the gf's that went on the vacation with my W. I had known her from shady business dealings prior to my W and I getting together, and I also knew she had been an OW for a previous boss, so I had to swallow hard and accept what had happened in addition to accepting that I had ignored several warning signs, that led to a hard earned lesson on trusting too much and to never again let such actions/behaviors go unchallenged. My W now had an understanding of why I had never really liked her gf, and didn't challenge my requirement to remove her and the others from our lives.

I simply don't understand BH's that cower in fear of their WW. I mean seriously, what is there to be afraid of ... she's already done one of the worst things a spouse can do. I'm reminded of an old hillbilly saying ... "Don't kiss the ass that's ****ting on you" ... but we see BH's line up every day to do just that.

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post #152 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 02:09 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

I post this poem every now and then for a BH that's low on self-respect. I really do try to live my life by this message and read it to myself every so often as a gauge to calibrate if I'm being true to myself. As long as I can look that guy in the mirror in the eye and be comfortable with him looking back at me, I'm good to go.

The Guy in the Glass

by Dale Wimbrow, (c) 1934

When you get what you want in your struggle for self,
And the world makes you King for a day,
Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
And see what that guy has to say.

For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife,
Whose judgement upon you must pass.
The feller whose verdict that counts most in your life
Is the guy staring back from the glass.

He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear up to the end,
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the guy in the glass is your friend.

You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,
And think you're a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.

You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the guy in the glass.
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post #153 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 02:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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I simply don't understand BH's that cower in fear of their WW. I mean seriously, what is there to be afraid of ... she's already done one of the worst things a spouse can do. I'm reminded of an old hillbilly saying ... "Don't kiss the ass that's ****ting on you" ... but we see BH's line up every day to do just that.
This is so true..what is there ot be afraid of..she has already taken her best shot..what the fvck is left...

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
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post #154 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 04:12 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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This is so true..what is there ot be afraid of..she has already taken her best shot..what the fvck is left...
Should be said. I will start saying it.
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post #155 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 08:16 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

Some great reading on the last few posts, so very true in many ways and very insightful, but honestly I mean, people are flawed, they f*ck up all the time, the drug addict, the drunk driver, the cheater, sex offender, the list is endless....true some spouses might not cheat, but surely can do other ugly things too.

I decided to R with my W in part because I knew she wasnt acting as whom she was while she was in her fog state. I dwelled on all the same points everyone is mentioning here, how could she have done this, or that, etc..but I knew she wasnt acting rationally or like herself, was way out of character, way too much. I quit thinking about the why and how over a year ago, and I never really had the mind movies except for couple months (perhaps because I have had over twice the amount of sex partners, and even a couple of 3some, that my W had before we married, at least why I think this wasnt a problem for me, am very confident sexually).
I dont regret R one bit and I do not let the affair define me or our M....I see it as a traumatic event in my life now, is just so happened to come from my W....not from a disease or the death of a close loved one, or things like that, but nevertheless one of the things life throws at you, and I feel stronger because of it.
I have also seen my W suffer greatly, both because of her own actions during her month long A, she saw how she got totally played and used....but also 6 months ago she developed tumors on the uterus and had to endure a full hysterectomy, with a painful recovery, we feel we know each other 10 times better than we did before all this, including her A.

I am not justifying anything or have any real position on R or D.....is a very personal decision with way too many factors involved. About the only advice I would give a new BS is to immediately file for D and send a strong message, no pleading or begging, and only decide to R or continue D upon contrite actions from the WS. Also, I agree and LTA of 6 months or more is hard to come back from, thats a tough one.

.
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post #156 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 05:18 AM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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I decided to R with my W in part because I knew she wasnt acting as whom she was while she was in her fog state..
Sadly, that's just another justification betrayed spouses use all the time in order to accept their WS's **** behavior. They want to believe some random, 'magical fog' just blew in off the coast and encased their cheating spouse, causing them to behave in a way they normally never would.

I have no problem accepting the fact that cheaters do what they WANT to do. Period. Not because someone 'made' them do it, not because they were being 'blackmailed' by their affair partner, and not because some kind of magical 'fog' took them over.

It's all about accountability.
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post #157 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 07:45 AM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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It's all about accountability.
This can't be stressed enough. All to often, reconciliation results in the WS getting off "Scott Free" for their crime against the marriage. There has to be a price paid before reconciliation should take place.


"If more people were judgmental, then maybe there would be less infidelity"
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post #158 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-15-2017, 04:23 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Sadly, that's just another justification betrayed spouses use all the time in order to accept their WS's **** behavior. They want to believe some random, 'magical fog' just blew in off the coast and encased their cheating spouse, causing them to behave in a way they normally never would.

I have no problem accepting the fact that cheaters do what they WANT to do. Period. Not because someone 'made' them do it, not because they were being 'blackmailed' by their affair partner, and not because some kind of magical 'fog' took them over.

It's all about accountability.
I agree it's all about accountability, but I also know my wife's behaviour during the affair was not typical. I don't see that as a justification, but if I conclude the affair behaviour was normal, reconciliation would make a lot less sense.

There's no question in my mind that my wife was slightly crazy at the time of the affair, whatever the reasons. There's also no question that the character defects that led her to cheat are also part of her. The craziness exacerbated them, but it didn't create them. Call it fog, or don't. I don't mind either way, I know what I saw.

I think working through all that and understanding it was really valuable. And having stayed, obviously I concluded that on balance she was a person worth having in my life. But that won't be true for everyone. And a lot of that hangs on things I have invested in the relationship since the affair. It all might have looked very different if I had not chosen to stay for the kids.

Were I ever to divorce and remarry, I would approach it all very differently because of what I learned, just as my current marriage is quite different since the affair.
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post #159 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 12:27 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Like a lot of BS's who use their children as an excuse to stay right where they are, it's really more about allowing your fear to paralyze you into not doing a positive thing about it. It's just a lot easier to believe you're doing it for the kids. You see this all the time.
Agree that for many this might be an excuse. But it's not always so black or white. After D-day, I was so emotional and desperate that there was no way I could make a rational decision. Then we were "reconciled." Years later, with not a shred of evidence that there has been any further marital impropriety, it's not so easy to blow up my little boy's world because I can't get past a 1.5-month long EA that happened 4.5 years ago. If I had been in the right state of mind at the time, I would have felt it was the right call. If I had evidence of any kind now, it would be the right call. But after this much time?
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post #160 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 12:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Agree that for many this might be an excuse. But it's not always so black or white. After D-day, I was so emotional and desperate that there was no way I could make a rational decision. Then we were "reconciled." Years later, with not a shred of evidence that there has been any further marital impropriety, it's not so easy to blow up my little boy's world because I can't get past a 1.5-month long EA that happened 4.5 years ago. If I had been in the right state of mind at the time, I would have felt it was the right call. If I had evidence of any kind now, it would be the right call. But after this much time?
Do you think if it was a long term physical affair you would have been able to stay?


“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
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post #161 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 12:43 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Do you think if it was a long term physical affair you would have been able to stay?
I think being confronted with that knowledge would have made the decision to leave much more clear to me, even in the emotional state I was in. That's in part the problem of "degrees" of affairs. They are still betrayals though. In many ways EAs hurt more than just sex.

I should add that I don't have proof that it did NOT turn physical during that time. The whole proving a negative thing.
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post #162 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 12:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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I think being confronted with that knowledge would have made the decision to leave much more clear to me, even in the emotional state I was in. That's in part the problem of "degrees" of affairs. They are still betrayals though. In many ways EAs hurt more than just sex.

I should add that I don't have proof that it did NOT turn physical during that time. The whole proving a negative thing.
I agree there are degrees of affairs..all hurt but some are worse than others and some people cross more moral lines than others do...and LTA of multiple years being the worst...

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
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post #163 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 02:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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This can't be stressed enough. All to often, reconciliation results in the WS getting off "Scott Free" for their crime against the marriage. There has to be a price paid before reconciliation should take place.
Agreed..all Rs even under the best of circumstances allow the Ws to get away with it on some level...

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
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post #164 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-16-2017, 02:58 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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They want to believe some random, 'magical fog' just blew in off the coast and encased their cheating spouse, causing them to behave in a way they normally never would.
You missed the part where I specifically said I wasn't justifying anything...

Is an addiction, it's their responsibility, but still an addiction, and it's real, am not making that up to make myself feel any better at all...
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post #165 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-17-2017, 07:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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You missed the part where I specifically said I wasn't justifying anything...

Is an addiction, it's their responsibility, but still an addiction, and it's real, am not making that up to make myself feel any better at all...
I think you make an important point here..WSs have destructive tendencies..but they also seem to move on quicker than the Bs in most cases since they have a lot less to get over...if you notice many WSs are hypocrites on top of everything else and would leave if they roles were reversed..tha tis the part tham makes me sick to my stomach..their hypocrisy...

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
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