What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair? - Page 13 - Talk About Marriage
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post #181 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 01:24 AM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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"heaps of abuses" is subjective and I understand your perspective, naive as it is. You don't have children yet, your foo is messed up, you're contemplating leaving your own wife because she won't have sex with you and you WISH you had the seemingly automatic biblical out that all us betrayed spouses had|have here.
What is this nonsense? When did I say I was contemplating leaving my wife, or that we don't have sex? Are you nuts? You are the guy who is giving BS advice? Do you project this much in your meetings with them?

Seriously this is a new low even for you. That's pretty much all you got is personal attacks. You have in the past attacked my relationship with my father, my mothers relationship with my father, and now you attack my relationship with my wife. Your name truly is an oxymoron.

By the way I just reported you *******.


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post #182 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 04:54 AM
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post #183 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 06:52 AM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

Folks, don't get yourselves worked up over my post. To arrive at such firm conclusions in an accurate manner you would need for me to flesh out my situation. Be aware that initially I thought my ex was a WAW and our divorce happened immediately. As our divorce was finalized I learned of the infidelity and at that point a switch flipped inside of me where I knew my dignity needed to be rescued. This is when I abandoned all hope or desire of saving the relationship and welcomed the divorce.

In spite of desiring a divorce from a cheater, I still felt intense agony for a long time but knew I was better off without her. Now, many years later I am so glad I'm rid of her and I'm certain it was a Godsend to me. My general stance is some adulterous marriages are worth being saved, but only when the truest repentance is present. I feel the majority of infidelities should be rewarded with an immediate and non negotiable divorce.

Because of my experience I can tell you that if my current wife cheated on me I would respond with an instant divorce and I would move on much easier than I did last time. I acknowledge that everyone is different and it's probably not wise to form a rigid protocol that applies the same to everyone for every circumstance. YMMV
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post #184 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 09:54 AM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Finally, I did want to make note of the fact you've never experienced divorced either so selling it as some opportunity to "find better" is disingenuous too.

I experienced divorce twice through my Mother's marriage. Both times it was the best thing that ever happened to her in her circumstance.

I have tried to ignore you insults and be the better man, as I know I am, but when you start with my relationship with my wife all bets are off now.

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I tell betrayed husband's this fact ~~ you're going to be alright no matter which way this goes {divorce or recovery} whereas your wayward wife really only has one shot at future happiness and that's through the gift of repentance, forgiveness and restoration of her marriage with you. She had|has no biblical out and therefore, most certainly will never find happiness in any other relationship other than the one God's already provided her.
And if they disagree with you you probably personally insult them, like you have me over and over (most recently making up some sexless marriage wanting divorce nonsense), like you have Chumplady (calling her a cheater) many times, like you did the other poster when you try to say he was lying and was swamp-rat. How Christian of you. You're such a phony. By the way ever recruit anyone off of this board into your counseling business? Do you get paid for you counseling? Seems to me coming on here and providing some hope to desperate people would be good for business.

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post #185 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 01:40 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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I experienced divorce twice through my Mother's marriage. Both times it was the best thing that ever happened to her in her circumstance.

I have tried to ignore you insults and be the better man, as I know I am, but when you start with my relationship with my wife all bets are off now.



And if they disagree with you you probably personally insult them, like you have me over and over (most recently making up some sexless marriage wanting divorce nonsense), like you have Chumplady (calling her a cheater) many times, like you did the other poster when you try to say he was lying and was swamp-rat. How Christian of you. You're such a phony. By the way ever recruit anyone off of this board into your counseling business? Do you get paid for you counseling? Seems to me coming on here and providing some hope to desperate people would be good for business.

I respect that you do not want to talk about issues you may or may not be dealing with on this forum and I'm sorry I brought it up.

I have not and do not recruit anyone off this board {though I see people with links to their services so apparently it's not against the rules here}.

I/we don't get paid or seek remuneration in any manner for my|our assistance. It's a ministry {not my personal ministry ~~ it's FREE ~ not personally seeking, requesting or accepting donations either}

I don't "sell" hope ~ hope just IS.

Interesting angles.

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post #186 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 04:12 PM
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post #187 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 10:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Absolutely soul crushing!

My XWW had 1 1/2 year EA/PA. D Day #1, when I found out about the EA only, I was willing to R. I was angry and hurt by her lying but I felt I could get over it. At the time, she seemed remorseful so that helped greatly. I thought we were proceeding through R and I thought it was going well. 1 year later was D Day #2. This was when I discovered the EA was actually a PA and on-going. No remorse this time. I knew, deep inside that I couldn't live with the PA and stay married to her. Even though I didn't file immediately, I knew it was inevitable. I considered the Physical aspects of our relationship to be sacred. Not that the emotional was any less, but I could never forgive or forget a PA.

That was 2009 to 2012. I've been divorced for over 4 years now. I can't even begin to list all that I've lost as a result. The big things that come to mind are confidence and self esteem. I still don't have those back. As a result, I don't smile much either. I tried dating but I just can't get into it and I don't seem to be attracted to anyone anyway. I also don't trust most people...men or women, especially women. I avoid letting anyone to get to close to me emotionally.

I worry about the effects of divorce on my kids. My daughter is 16 and doesn't have a boyfriend...never has. Don't get me wrong, I'm fine with that but is seems unusual especially because she is beautiful. We've had many talks and she is very honest with me. She say's she doesn't trust people and doesn't have faith in relationships or marriage. She also doesn't want to deal with the drama. She told me this is because of witnessing what her mother did to me and our family.

There's also the financial loss that will be with me forever. I have to work for many more years to recoup what I lost and retire with the lifestyle I wanted to.
I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. Infidelity not only touched you but your kids as well. It is amazing that such a vicious selfish choice resonates not only across the years but across generations. I've know many, many children of infidelity and it seemed to effect them all. It hink we ook at our parents as rocks of certainty when we are growing up and by doing what they did it shatters that. Is your daughter in counseling? The poor kid does not deserve ot miss out on love and reltionships becuase of a sh!tty parent...

I know a friend who is going through the financial thing - he paid alimony and th ewife had her boyfriend living wiht her and the kids...she dared him to prove it. Nice huh? He did not have th emoney to hire a lawyer and investigators so he had to suck it up and pay until she married the new guy.

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
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post #188 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 10:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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As for me, the effects of her infidelity were catastrophic for at least three years. It was so bad that for years I constantly begged God to let me die. I hated my life and it's a mystery to me how I ever survived it. I don't have the words to describe this pain and I'm sure many others know it well. I wasn't even capable of dating for four years afterwards, but I did become a golfing buddy to a lady and slowly we began a relationship. We got married several years later and in hind sight I wasn't capable of marriage right up until we tied the knot.

It took me several more years before I became myself again. I began to independently understand and internalize the true doctrine of infidelity, which in turn paved the way to profound change within myself. (A decade later I would discover TAM, which verified my conclusions about affairs and infidelity.) In the mean time I was gaining experience with a new wife and it was an awakening for me to experience what it was like to be married to an honest and fiercely loyal spouse. The contrast was exquisite.

Today, I'm amazed at what a different man I am. I'm so much better than I ever could have been without my hellish experience. My wife loves and respects me, and I feel the same toward her and myself. I have my dignity, and that is one of the greatest gifts a person can have. I am compelled to say that the pure evil my ex inflicted upon me was the very catalyst that enabled me to become a vastly better man than I could have without that experience. I'm grateful for my test even if it severely maimed me and caused scars that haunt me even today. I am better for it, but my ex is not. I pity her, but rejoice for myself. Only in the last few years have I felt this way.

Sorry for the rambling, but maybe somebody out there needs hope for their future.
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Folks, don't get yourselves worked up over my post. To arrive at such firm conclusions in an accurate manner you would need for me to flesh out my situation. Be aware that initially I thought my ex was a WAW and our divorce happened immediately. As our divorce was finalized I learned of the infidelity and at that point a switch flipped inside of me where I knew my dignity needed to be rescued. This is when I abandoned all hope or desire of saving the relationship and welcomed the divorce.

In spite of desiring a divorce from a cheater, I still felt intense agony for a long time but knew I was better off without her. Now, many years later I am so glad I'm rid of her and I'm certain it was a Godsend to me. My general stance is some adulterous marriages are worth being saved, but only when the truest repentance is present. I feel the majority of infidelities should be rewarded with an immediate and non negotiable divorce.

Because of my experience I can tell you that if my current wife cheated on me I would respond with an instant divorce and I would move on much easier than I did last time. I acknowledge that everyone is different and it's probably not wise to form a rigid protocol that applies the same to everyone for every circumstance. YMMV
Sorry for your pain as well..but I'm glad you found a new lady and your ex wife seems to be getting some justice. But she is not your problem anymore - in fact next time your friends tell you about her stop them and tell them she is irrelevant and her life is of no consequence to you. The thing about an unrepentant cheater is their ultimate punishment is living with that person in the mirror every day. Do you think your horrible first marriage helped you to appreciate your current wife even more? Sometimes being in the valley makes being on the mountain peak even nicer...

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard

Last edited by Truthseeker1; 04-21-2017 at 10:57 PM.
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post #189 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 11:08 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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The thing about an unrepentant cheater is their ultimate punishment is living wiht that person in the mirror every day. Do you think your horrible first marriage helped you to appreciate your current wife even more? Sometimes being in the valley makes being on the mountain peak even nicer...
QFT. I'm told she is miserable with herself and is now all alone and has nobody to blame except who she sees in the mirror.

Yes, my first marriage is a sharp contrast to my second and I am thankful for that because I feel my eyes have been opened and I enjoy (literally rejoice) my comprehension of the subject. How could I recognize what it's like to be on the mountain peak if I've never walked through the valley of despair? I cherish this knowledge and insight more than most everything I've ever learned. Another long term effect from my experience is I've attained an extraordinary level of confidence and trust in myself, along with a conviction that I've met the worst that life can throw at me and still prevailed. I know very little fear now days. I'm a lucky guy.
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post #190 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 11:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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QFT. I'm told she is miserable with herself and is now all alone and has nobody to blame except who she sees in the mirror.

Yes, my first marriage is a sharp contrast to my second and I am thankful for that because I feel my eyes have been opened and I enjoy (literally rejoice) my comprehension of the subject. How could I recognize what it's like to be on the mountain peak if I've never walked through the valley of despair? I cherish this knowledge and insight more than most everything I've ever learned. Another long term effect from my experience is I've attained an extraordinary level of confidence and trust in myself, along with a conviction that I've met the worst that life can throw at me and still prevailed. I know very little fear now days. I'm a lucky guy.
Perhaps that is one of the "positives" for the BS who bravely jumps into the unknown and starts life anew - they become aware of how strong and courageous they truly are. If they rid themselves of the pain but hold the lessons close they can become a better person. Relying on oneself and getting through the absolute worst life can throw at you truly shows us what we are made of on the inside. Perhaps for many one of the long term effects of infidelity on the BS is the discovery or rediscovery of what an amazing person they are! What do you think?


“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
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post #191 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 11:30 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Another long term effect from my experience is I've attained an extraordinary level of confidence and trust in myself, along with a conviction that I've met the worst that life can throw at me and still prevailed.
The aftermath for me was the same. To me that is the best you can get out of such an awful thing. Learn that if you can make it through that you can make it through anything.
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post #192 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-21-2017, 11:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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The aftermath for me was the same. To me that is the best you can get out of such an awful thing. Learn that if you can make it through that you can make it through anything.
No one wants turmoil and tragedy in their lives but when it is foisted upon them it does show them what they are made of...do they roll over and take it or do they take charge and make it through..I admire survivors...some get knocked down at first and take awhile to get up but they eventually do get up - everyone has their own timeline...

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
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post #193 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-22-2017, 09:06 AM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Perhaps that is one of the "positives" for the BS who bravely jumps into the unknown and starts life anew - they become aware of how strong and courageous they truly are. If they rid themselves of the pain but hold the lessons close they can become a better person. Relying on oneself and getting through the absolute worst life can throw at you truly shows us what we are made of on the inside. Perhaps for many one of the long term effects of infidelity on the BS is the discovery or rediscovery of what an amazing person they are! What do you think?
You are correct. At the time I didn't consider myself to be brave or strong, I could barely function. Now looking back I see something remarkable that forged a new person out of myself. It took me longer than average to lose the pain, but today I wouldn't trade the experience for anything. I wouldn't volunteer to endure another infidelity episode, but if it happened I would survive just fine. I don't consider myself to be a superior man, just superior to what I was or what I would have been without my experience.

My experience has defined who I am and I like what I see in the mirror. However, I'm not oblivious to my faults and weaknesses, I keep a tight rein upon myself to make sure I am a good spouse, friend, etc. Any one of us could slip up no matter how good we think we are. It's my hope that all the newly betrayed could get a snapshot of these possibilities so they may be encouraged to forge ahead in either reconciliation or divorce.
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post #194 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-22-2017, 05:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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You are correct. At the time I didn't consider myself to be brave or strong, I could barely function. Now looking back I see something remarkable that forged a new person out of myself. It took me longer than average to lose the pain, but today I wouldn't trade the experience for anything. I wouldn't volunteer to endure another infidelity episode, but if it happened I would survive just fine. I don't consider myself to be a superior man, just superior to what I was or what I would have been without my experience.

My experience has defined who I am and I like what I see in the mirror. However, I'm not oblivious to my faults and weaknesses, I keep a tight rein upon myself to make sure I am a good spouse, friend, etc. Any one of us could slip up no matter how good we think we are. It's my hope that all the newly betrayed could get a snapshot of these possibilities so they may be encouraged to forge ahead in either reconciliation or divorce.
That is great to hear -your timeline for healing is your own and the thing is you made it to the other side and are a better man for it. You evolved and your XW did not. You said she is now all alone - is she divorced or separated? It also made you aware of your own weaknesses and ot keep an eye on them - another positive. I'm glad you forged a new and better you!

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
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post #195 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 09:52 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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That is great to hear -your timeline for healing is your own and the thing is you made it to the other side and are a better man for it. You evolved and your XW did not. You said she is now all alone - is she divorced or separated? It also made you aware of your own weaknesses and ot keep an eye on them - another positive. I'm glad you forged a new and better you!
I'm told she's been separated for several years and they are putting off the divorce until the youngest finishes high school. At least she learned how severely betrayal/divorce can affect other family members. Back when we divorced it was so traumatic to her father (he and I had been very close) that when she married her affair partner he (her father) suffered a massive heart attack. He had been fervently hoping we would reconcile, but when she remarried he knew it was past the point of no return and it was too much for him. His heart was pretty much ruined at age 52 and he recently died from the long term effects from it. I imagine my ex has some guilt over it. Cheaters have no clue how severely they can affect others for generations to come. It's sobering to contemplate.

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