What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 09:30 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Originally Posted by CantBelieveThis View Post
Excellent post mr blunt, this is how i feel 4 years into R. I am so busy with a great career and hobbies that my M is no longer what i need in life to be happy, its just a part of it. I dont think the prior notion i had about M being your primary source was healthy at all.
I hardly think much about my wife A, i mean i havent forgot and little things cause some trigger here n there, but not too painful at all, just a faint memory easy to overcome. Our M is better in most regards, some hiccups here n there but cant expect perfection.
Marriage is hard, think about it, live with someone else your entire life, that may sound simple but its actually pretty hard when you consider is two different people, moods, attitudes, etc.....hell i cant get along with myself a lot of Times
What would happen if you should meet someone whom you though might offer you a better marriage. I know for me that would be one of the reasons I couldn't R. It would be very hard to be loyal to someone who wasn't loyal to me. Since I wouldn't want to be that person I couldn't stay in that situation. I guess part of me would feel like the loyalty in the marriage didn't really matter to her anyway. Then again I don't really believe the marriage exist once there is cheating. I see the contract as broken anyway. I think I would have to divorce and remarry my wife again and have new vows. The inequity of having one person brake the vows and the other have to keep them is just to much for me.

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post #17 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 09:40 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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I will add trapped and with those negatives it lessens the positives you can give the children. You may have less trust, less admiration in the betrayer, and have unsettled security.

Positives: “Better communication, prompt you to make positive changes in yourself, become more self-sufficient in your self-esteem, you get a better understanding of the fact that you can only control yourself and not others
.

In my case with some success in reconciliation, this is what it looks like:

You eventually get to the point that the betrayal does not affect your life to any great degree. It will always affect you in some ways but not to a degree that keeps you from having a good life.

You are forced to give up some of the idealism that you may have had about marriage. Some of these ideals are:

That you can always trust your spouse to never stab you in the back.
That your spouse will always have your best interest at heart.
That your spouse has very strong integrity and strong beliefs that they will hold on to no matter what.
The traditional marriage vows as listed below do not apply to your marriage any longer
:


As a BS, I have been in R for over 20 years and I have a good life almost all of the time. I have a very good relationship with my children and grandchildren and other family members. My marriage is good most of the time, satisfactory at others times, and poor on very rare occasions.

I have heard some people say that the marriage after betrayal can be great. That may be true for some people but it is not true in my case. I do not have to have a great marriage to have a good life and that is what my long term future as proven so far.

Hope my post helps someone.
The parts I highlighted in red made me feel melancholy. Mr. Blunt is good at putting concepts into words.

I would also add that a positive of infidelity is that it has exposed weaknesses I didn't know I had until I was completely broken. After being broken the weak areas became exaggerated. I hope to shore up the weak areas and someday be a more independent, better, stronger, less fearful, more forgiving person than I was before the A. Has anyone else experienced this?
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post #18 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 09:47 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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I've personally known and read of cases where there is not one AP but multiple APs or an LTA that spanned years or sex in the home or even the marital bed..you name it...I'm not quite sure what is left to save after a spouse has cross so many bright red lines of decency...
Well you know my reputation on here, I am sure saying this will not go over well but I think the people who are quick to R after terrible abuse actually contribute to societal infidelity. I think there is a general attitude by WS "well they will get over it, it's not a big deal, it can't be since they won't leave me", and so many of them are right about that. You have to think deep down inside they think maybe it was worth it. How many WW have girlfriends who have done it first and basically got away with, have then led them down that path. This is part of the reason that I rarely think R is a happy ending. There is more at stake then just two people. Great wrongs without consequence and justice makes a mockery of right an wrong, even if they end up staying together this should not be celebrated. It's like when a murder or rapist (I know it's not the same) is rehabilitated it doesn't make the damage go away.

There is a guy on SI whose wife spent a week with her AP, just up and left for a week. He told the kids but he is probably going to R. What does that say to his kids? In my mind there are way too many people willing to be abused and basically do nothing about it. I read that in Holland basically everyone cheats, and that is just seen as how marriage works. We are headed there, partly because of the lack of consequences. IMHO.

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post #19 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 10:06 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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The parts I highlighted in red made me feel melancholy. Mr. Blunt is good at putting concepts into words.

I would also add that a positive of infidelity is that it has exposed weaknesses I didn't know I had until I was completely broken. After being broken the weak areas became exaggerated. I hope to shore up the weak areas and someday be a more independent, better, stronger, less fearful, more forgiving person than I was before the A. Has anyone else experienced this?
Read my last post. I had a terrible time after my first love cheated on me, we weren't married but I had just proposed. I tried to R for about 3 weeks and then finally ghosted. I figured out it was a trap, I wouldn't be happy with her and I wouldn't be happy without her. Anyway I then spent 2 years feeling like I would never love again and I had to give up on that dream. But for about 6 months after I was like catatonic. Like completely broken. This forced me to get some serious IC. I mean people were saying this is too much you need to get some help. So I did.

What I ended up learning was that a lot of my pain was also because of my parents divorce. It was all wrapped up into one. However one thing my Mother (again read my last posts to get her story) told me was if you can get through this you can get through anything, she would know. I used that to give me confidence. Nothing could be worse then those days, except maybe losing a child. Anyway I say all that to say, what it did for me was force me to address my issues from my parents divorce and my rough childhood. It also ended up giving me confidence that I was a lot stronger then I thought. Finally it convinced me that I could never again make another person my entire source of happiness and confidence. It's just too risky and also not healthy for you or the person you are with. Doing that is really being codependent. You need to be a whole person besides your spouse.

I always describe what you are going though as emotional boot camp. It was for me. It sucks but use it to make you stronger, to teach you about yourself and relationship. meaning study about them, and about yourself. Is there a reason why you picked the person you did? Stuff like that. At least get something positive out of it. The best lesson to take out of being cheated on is that if you can get through it the first time you can get though anything.
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post #20 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 10:13 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Well you know my reputation on here, I am sure saying this will not go over well but I think the people who are quick to R after terrible abuse actually contribute to societal infidelity.
I think there is a general attitude by WS "well they will get over it, it's not a big deal, it can't be since they won't leave me", and so many of them are right about that. You have to think deep down inside they think maybe it was worth it. How many WW have girlfriends who have done it first and basically got away with, have then led them down that path. This is part of the reason that I rarely think R is a happy ending. There is more at stake then just two people. Great wrongs without consequence and justice makes a mockery of right an wrong, even if they end up staying together this should not be celebrated. It's like when a murder or rapist (I know it's not the same) is rehabilitated it doesn't make the damage go away.
That's some really messed up logic. Maybe I'll come back around to dissecting it, if that's even possible.

@Truthseeker1 Katie Lersch is just a made up name ezine author and fake blogger (ACTUALLY AN AFFILIATE) writing fake click-bait hoping to make money using click-bank from infidelity predator authors Huzienga and Gunzberg. I forget the word they use for our genre but we are a desperate bunch that will pay whatever to find the magic bullet to "save our marriages" and there's a new batch of betrayed spouses every day searching google for the answer to their "secret" problem.

She (could be a he or she) actually discloses the affiliate relationship on a tab at the top of the blog.

Doesn't make the content worthless to talk about but it's not real, it's not genuine and he/she/it is not an expert. It likely experienced betrayal but is really just a writer trying to cash in anyway it can be making up whatever story she can think of answering generally every question she can think of on the subject.

He/she/it has 1,193 and counting ezine articles on the subject already.

*I didn't make an exhaustive search so he/she/it could be a real person somewhere but on first perusal, it's fake.

I wish I could say everything in one word. I hate all the things that can happen between the beginning of a sentence and the end. ~ Leonard Cohen
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post #21 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 10:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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I talked about this in another post on here but I can attest to this. After my father cheated on my Mother and left when I was 7 I believe for the next 3 years I basically raised myself in a lot of ways. My schooling suffered my relationships with my friends suffered as I spent a lot of time alone and sad. It took me until the end of high school to catch up academically. I needed help but there was no one there to do that for about 3 years, I don't blame my Mother she was crushed.

I believe also part of why I ended up with my first love who I proposed to and who was cheating on me was because I didn't have a good frame of reference of a good relationship and in a lot of ways I settled for a women who was really a poor choice. She had poor boundaries and I overlooked them because honestly I didn't think I was worthy of a girl who was more solid. At the time I saw myself as a child of divorce, kind of an outsider and so was she. I romanticized the idea of two misfits. I also lacked confidence at the time.

My wife now comes from a much more stable family. Funny thing was her parents asked me about being a child of divorce and what I thought of that when I ask for her hand. Now THEY are divorcing. I wonder if that question was really not directed at me but her Mom to her father. My wife was definitely more successful in her younger years then I was. I think that comes from being in a stable environment.

Being cheated on caused me to look at a lot of the damage that my childhood did. The problems in my childhood were a direct result of my fathers cheating. I spent some time IC figuring that out.

My mother ended up marring my verbally abusive step-father which I think was partly because she had given up after what my Dad did. Her father died when she was very young and she never learned to pick good men. In a sense many of the problems can be traced to him and his death. My step-father also created havoc in my childhood. I think I would have been much more confident a lot quicker if I had had a stable environment to grow up in. I feel like in a lot of ways, educationally, emotionally, confidence-wise I was like 10 years behind.

I don't believe you can be a good parent and cheat on your kids Father or Mother. When WS say this this is just another of their delusions.
Infidelity has a lot of vitims outside of the 2 BSs doesnt it? It is not just a betrayal of your spouse but of your whole family - it can blow up your entire life...

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
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post #22 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 10:41 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

It really depends on whether you believe that you are half of a couple and sexual pleasure should be only given to each other and not anyone else. My wife and I are married for 44+ years and we shared a girlfriend for 30 years, both together and alone. I had a few girlfriends for many months at a time. It was never a problem for us. Our connection in marriage is not sex. It is knowing that we will grow old together and put each other and our marriage first in all things. I never worried that my wife would leave me to marry a woman or man, and she never worried about me. Never any jealousy or even an argument concerning our sex life.

The whole relationship lockdown breeds an almost viral tendency to take the other person for granted, to have huge expectations, and to deliver this all from a sense of duty and obligation — without a thank you! Many things affect your erotic feelings and needs negatively, such as bills to pay, kids, work, etc.. Some times you cannot provide or get the erotic charge that you need in life from your partner. We feel what is called compersion, which is being happy for each others sexual enjoyment with others.

For most an affair can destroy the trust that sex is only for each other. They make it the cornerstone of their marriage and borders on a feeling or ownership of each others pleasure. On the positive side, the happiness that one in an affair has, can carry over into their marriage and make it better. No more being bitter due to an infrequent and/or boring sex life. No more being taken for granted. Instead you feel desirable and attractive. The best part of an affair is that it is limited to only the fun and games of a relationship. No bills to pay, no trash to take out and no one criticizing things that you do. Just a mutual attraction and sexual desire.

Despite a 50% fail rate, people still cling to the same marriage model that once had a good reason to exist but not so much anymore. Who enters into a lifelong contract with serious consequences if broken, with a 50/50 chance of making it. The reason why this still happens is because love blinds us and we all think it will never happen to us, until it does. An affair does not have to end a marriage unless you think it should So it is a matter of perspective.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #23 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 10:51 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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That's some really messed up logic. Maybe I'll come back around to dissecting it, if that's even possible.

@Truthseeker1 Katie Lersch is just a made up name ezine author and fake blogger (ACTUALLY AN AFFILIATE) writing fake click-bait hoping to make money using click-bank from infidelity predator authors Huzienga and Gunzberg. I forget the word they use for our genre but we are a desperate bunch that will pay whatever to find the magic bullet to "save our marriages" and there's a new batch of betrayed spouses every day searching google for the answer to their "secret" problem.

She (could be a he or she) actually discloses the affiliate relationship on a tab at the top of the blog.

Doesn't make the content worthless to talk about but it's not real, it's not genuine and he/she/it is not an expert. It likely experienced betrayal but is really just a writer trying to cash in anyway it can be making up whatever story she can think of answering generally every question she can think of on the subject.

He/she/it has 1,193 and counting ezine articles on the subject already.

*I didn't make an exhaustive search so he/she/it could be a real person somewhere but on first perusal, it's fake.
How did I know you would show up.

You and I should do a radio show. I am sure everyone rolls their eyes when you and I get going. I know I do.
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post #24 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 11:00 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Whoever has had an affair will have some long term memories of having sex with their affair partner/s. I also expect some of those experiences will be remembered quite fondly.
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post #25 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 11:03 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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{Edited out so those blocking V.D. don't have to read a bunch of really hurtful swinger rationalizations and justifications celebrating infidelity}

How gross.

Double gross to celebrate infidelity on a sub-forum full of people "coping with infidelity" in their lives.


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Last edited by Quality; 04-10-2017 at 01:01 PM. Reason: Removing Vulgar Quote
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post #26 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 11:07 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Whoever has had an affair will have some long term memories of having sex with their affair partner/s. I also expect some of those experiences will be remembered quite fondly.
Seems to be the case there is a post on SI W board about just that, even the ones who want to forget are obsessed with them, I don't know how a BS can feel anything else but plan B when that is the case. It's brutal.
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post #27 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 11:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Whoever has had an affair will have some long term memories of having sex with their affair partner/s. I also expect some of those experiences will be remembered quite fondly.
Any WS who says they did not enjoy the high of the affair or the nasty affair sex is lying....what they dont like is paying the bill for getting caught..its the fall out they hate not the sex...especially any spouse who has had a LTA to then turn around and say well I slept with my lover for 6 years but it wasnt all that - yeah ok...they in fact enjoyed the seduction, the sneaking around and yes the sex..perhaps some parts were more exciting than others but they were having a good time especially if they went back to their lover repeatedly and had sex...

In the end reconciliation does involve your WS getting away with it on some level..and every BS deals with that fact differently..but it does not make it any less the case IMO

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
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post #28 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-09-2017, 11:42 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Read my last post. I had a terrible time after my first love cheated on me, we weren't married but I had just proposed. I tried to R for about 3 weeks and then finally ghosted. I figured out it was a trap, I wouldn't be happy with her and I wouldn't be happy without her. Anyway I then spent 2 years feeling like I would never love again and I had to give up on that dream. But for about 6 months after I was like catatonic. Like completely broken. This forced me to get some serious IC. I mean people were saying this is too much you need to get some help. So I did.

What I ended up learning was that a lot of my pain was also because of my parents divorce. It was all wrapped up into one. However one thing my Mother (again read my last posts to get her story) told me was if you can get through this you can get through anything, she would know. I used that to give me confidence. Nothing could be worse then those days, except maybe losing a child. Anyway I say all that to say, what it did for me was force me to address my issues from my parents divorce and my rough childhood. It also ended up giving me confidence that I was a lot stronger then I thought. Finally it convinced me that I could never again make another person my entire source of happiness and confidence. It's just too risky and also not healthy for you or the person you are with. Doing that is really being codependent. You need to be a whole person besides your spouse.

I always describe what you are going though as emotional boot camp. It was for me. It sucks but use it to make you stronger, to teach you about yourself and relationship. meaning study about them, and about yourself. Is there a reason why you picked the person you did? Stuff like that. At least get something positive out of it. The best lesson to take out of being cheated on is that if you can get through it the first time you can get though anything.
As far as "long term effects of an affair"....Sokillme's are actually quite commonplace for the children of divorce after an affair and SoKillMe appears to be one of the luckier ones that figured it out before destroying himself with booze, drugs, women and other self-destructive behaviors. Our prisons are FULL UP of children from broken homes {many a result of infidelity}.

Hearing such stories, saddens me for what you've endured but I can't save everyone or every marriage. Just glad my children didn't have endure that resulting consequence to them of isolation, loneliness and vulnerability. Not to mention the on-going fear(s) of intimacy. Co-dependence isn't a dirty word. It's actually what marriage is supposed to be. Being "inter-dependent" in a completely healthy loving marriage devoid of ongoing behavior issues like substance abuse, mental health issues and/or physical abuse is actually pretty awesome.

I'm not saying recovery is a must. Some people can't do it and some can. Actually a lot of people can do it. Just like MOST Veterans come home from war and do OK {and some thrive} whereas others suffer for years or even endlessly due to the experience. Some of that depends on the individual and some of that depends on how bad the experience actually was. My fight for my wife and family 2 decades ago was hard but I've seen and heard much worse. We've completely overcome it and actually use the entire experience to help other couples deal and have hope with their current marital struggles {and teach younger couples to affair proof their relationships to the extent possible ~~ or, at least, consider the term RISK}. I really haven't suffered any "long term consequences" and by recovering like we have {a better marriage} we seem to have minimized, to the extent possible {there are always consequences to every choice, including divorce} the consequences in our situation for everyone involved. I didn't do it "for the kids" but it certainly was a consideration when determining whether to initially even try.

God and His angels love a good marital recovery and, I feel, we've been doubly blessed as a result of our trust and faith in Him demonstrated by our forbearance, repentance and forgiveness. Our Christian counselor drilled this quote into our heads ~~ "your lives will be better off not because of infidelity, but in spite of it".

What was meant for evil, God uses for good

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post #29 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 12:20 AM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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My fight for my wife and family 2 decades ago was hard but I've seen and heard much worse. We've completely overcome it and actually use the entire experience to help other couples deal and have hope with their current marital struggles {and teach younger couples to affair proof their relationships to the extent possible ~~ or, at least, consider the term RISK}. I really haven't suffered any "long term consequences" and by recovering like we have {a better marriage} we seem to have minimized, to the extent possible {there are always consequences to every choice, including divorce} the consequences in our situation for everyone involved. I didn't do it "for the kids" but it certainly was a consideration when determining whether to initially even try.
Dude you spend all your time scanning this board, doing research on articles, authors and posters so you can attack them if they says R is not a healthy choice. It's really the only time you post on here. No other subject is touched by you. Basically your whole life has been dedicated and based around this incident in your life that happened 2 decades ago. Ever thought if you moved on and not R you might not even be on this board fighting with me? It may just be a small painful event in your past not an all encompassing life's mission that it turned into for you. How much time has this subject been spent in your life. What would that time have been spent on if it didn't happen. You really don't see that you have had an entire lifetime of consequences, it changed the direction of your entire life. It seems to have become your life's purpose. Now maybe you think that it turned out for good and maybe it's true, but maybe also you would have cured cancer. Self-awareness doesn't seem to be one of your strongest qualities quality.

Just saying you are at least as screwed up as I am.
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post #30 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 12:39 AM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Any WS who says they did not enjoy the high of the affair or the nasty affair sex is lying....what they dont like is paying the bill for getting caught..its the fall out they hate not the sex...especially any spouse who has had a LTA to then turn around and say well I slept with my lover for 6 years but it wasnt all that - yeah ok...they in fact enjoyed the seduction, the sneaking around and yes the sex..perhaps some parts were more exciting than others but they were having a good time especially if they went back to their lover repeatedly and had sex...

In the end reconciliation does involve your WS getting away with it on some level..and every BS deals with that fact differently..but it does not make it any less the case IMO
I think it is much worse when the BS twists themselves in knots to try to avoid those uncomfortable facts. Your WS probably did "love" their AP maybe not in the holy pure sense but in the lustful, I need you, early stages of a relationship sense. Though with long term affairs they had to mean something to them. I mean long term stuff is even worse it's almost like two marriages.

They probably enjoyed every moment of it. Lots of he initial sadness is also probably partly them getting over their "love" for their AP. This is who these people are, now maybe they can change. But at least look at it with your eyes open. Also you should be aware that what you mean when you say love and what they mean probably are not the same things. Also most WS, at least the kind that can live basically two lives have some serious issues that take a lot of work and a long time to fix. If you choose to R there is really no justice for you. It's just something you learn to live with.
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