What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #31 of 195 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 12:44 AM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

I big negative IMHO is knowing what your spouse is capable of. Even if you R and things are going well years later, you will always know the he/she could do it again if they wanted to. And this time they would be more skillful at covering their tracks. So the long term effect is trust is gone for all.

The only positive I can think of is using your own experience with infidelity (from either side but especially the WS side) to council others with relationship problems. I for one have helped a few couples examine some issues. It is amazing how you can see certain traits more clearly (cake-eating for example) from the outside looking in.


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post #32 of 195 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 12:51 AM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Dude you spend all your time scanning this board, doing research on articles, authors and posters so you can attack them if they says R is not a healthy choice. It's really the only time you post on here. No other subject is touched by you. Basically your whole life has been dedicated and based around this incident in your life that happened 2 decades ago. Ever thought if you moved on and not R you might not even be on this board fighting with me? It may just be a small painful event in your past not an all encompassing life's mission that it turned into for you. How much time has this subject been spent in your life. What would that time have been spent on if it didn't happen. You really don't see that you have had an entire lifetime of consequences, it changed the direction of your entire life. It seems to have become your life's purpose. Now maybe you think that it turned out for good and maybe it's true, but maybe also you would have cured cancer. Self-awareness doesn't seem to be one of your strongest qualities quality.

Just saying you are at least as screwed up as I am.
Dude ~~~ You can try to equate your posts to mine but I'm all about hope whereas you're more the debbie downer. I'm here arguing and offering hope while backing it up by example. It's not tedious or worthless whereas posting hopelessness, overriding fears of intimacy and lies {that no one recovers} IS a much more pathetic "life mission".

edit to add: just occurred to me too,you just made your 3,249th post in just less than a year {not to mention the thousands on Reddit too} and I'm at 266 targeted posts so I don't think I've dedicated nearly as much of "my whole life" to this subject as you have.

Plus, my wife and I are doing this TOGETHER {does yours even know you are here and Reddit talking about your old fiance so much?}. My wife and I talk about many or most of these posts and while I enjoy this debate, I don't do it for the argument alone or thinking I'm going to change your mind. I do it for the betrayed husband that JUST LOGGED IN trying to save his family, his marriage and, sometimes, his life as well. I also do it because it was pointed out to me by my friends and online forum predecessors that recovered spouses just don't stick around offering their experience as long as divorced guys that got completely and irreparably screwed over by the experience ~~ therefore, the overall tendency of forums naturally becomes overly negative.

I'm good at it too {I get help too, most of the research was cataloged by others before me, in whole or in part}. Like you on the subject of infidelity, I don't know anything about cancer so curing cancer wasn't ever going to be my mission. We serve where God has placed us and we share our testimony to help others not feel so alone and/or hopeless. The glory is His.

I wish I could say everything in one word. I hate all the things that can happen between the beginning of a sentence and the end. ~ Leonard Cohen

Last edited by Quality; 04-10-2017 at 01:03 AM.
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post #33 of 195 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 01:35 AM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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As far as "long term effects of an affair"....Sokillme's are actually quite commonplace for the children of divorce after an affair and SoKillMe appears to be one of the luckier ones that figured it out before destroying himself with booze, drugs, women and other self-destructive behaviors. Our prisons are FULL UP of children from broken homes {many a result of infidelity}.
I wasn't lucky I had a Mother who prayed to God and wasn't a hypocrite. Meaning she was a good moral person and demonstrated that ever day. I also had some very good examples of marriages in my mothers inner circle too. These were church going people who were also not hypocrites. The kind of people who invited the homeless guy who road his bike around town to eat a Thanksgiving dinner (after making him shower of course).

My father was not religious but for all his cheating ways still took an interest in my life and saw me at least twice a week. My relationship probably improved with him because he had to make time for me he couldn't sit in his office and work. I probably had the best possible set up for divorce, in fact I think my step-father did far more damage to my life then my Dad did.

My Dad has been a positive in my life except for the one giant black mark. There would never been an abusive step-father without that affair. If my parents has just divorced I doubt my Mom would have married that guy. She would have probably eventually taken something good out of the relationship. If my Dad had handled the situation with honor my Mother could have had some confidence and would not have been so vulnerable. Like maybe it didn't work out but it wasn't because there was something wrong with her, it was just that they grew apart. They really did change completely and I don't think they would have lasted. My mom went to God my Dad went away from him. By the way my Mother was a great catch for my father, and she was devoted to him. The sun rose and set on him as far as she was concerned. She would have never divorced him. Every women my Dad was with was beautiful. Like model pretty and fit the times too as far as their look. My dad was also very handsome in his day and very successful career wise.

The women he cheated on my mom with cheated on him in about a 3 month span as far as I know. But he didn't want to be married at that point anyway. At least I think by that time he knew he didn't have it in him. He only married again when he was too old to cheat. If there was a cure for aging I bet he would cheat on his current wife now though. Actually I wouldn't be shocked if he did even now. It's in his nature. I love the man, but I would never want to be married to him.

My Mother has never remarried after my step father. She admits now that her picker is broken. That's what happens to little girls whose fathers die when they are very young.

The reason I have a good marriage as far as I can tell are basically do to my Mothers years of prayer. And her constant talking to me about being a good man and husband. Basically she raised me to be what she thought my father was. Half of the crap I post on her about honor and doing the right thing because it's the right thing is just her voice coming out of my mouth. Also even though I find the way my Dad treated women awful he did teach me how to be assertive. Which is a skill a lot of young men don't pick up without a father figure. He also taught me how to think logically and creatively. He is not a bad man he is a flawed man. It's really a tragedy to me actually but such is life. I remember how my mother loved him, she really had it bad. I have never seen here like that with anyone else. Even that wasn't enough. Why he is the way he is now that is the real question.

The IC helped me deal with the fallout of all that and also made me see how some of the qualities I was attracted to were not good ones and were probably a result of me coming from a broken home. I get being the KISA thing because I was doing that. Picking damaged women and then passive aggressively thinking if I fix them they will love me even more. This is why I get how some of these BH's think, because I think like that. Once I got that I started to fight against my instinct.

Anyway I am not lucky God rescued me I have no doubt one of the things you wrote would have come true. Which it would be who knows.

So there you go Quality some more info to psychoanalyze me with.
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post #34 of 195 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 01:57 AM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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By Quality
My fight for my wife and family 2 decades ago was hard but I've seen and heard much worse. We've completely overcome it and actually use the entire experience to help other couples deal and have hope with their current marital struggles.

Congratulations Quality!!!
Your long term experience and success is impressive and encouraging!!!
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post #35 of 195 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 01:59 AM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Dude ~~~ You can try to equate your posts to mine but I'm all about hope whereas you're more the debbie downer. I'm here arguing and offering hope while backing it up by example. It's not tedious or worthless whereas posting hopelessness, overriding fears of intimacy and lies {that no one recovers} IS a much more pathetic "life mission".

edit to add: just occurred to me too,you just made your 3,249th post in just less than a year {not to mention the thousands on Reddit too} and I'm at 266 targeted posts so I don't think I've dedicated nearly as much of "my whole life" to this subject as you have.

Plus, my wife and I are doing this TOGETHER {does yours even know you are here and Reddit talking about your old fiance so much?}. My wife and I talk about many or most of these posts and while I enjoy this debate, I don't do it for the argument alone or thinking I'm going to change your mind. I do it for the betrayed husband that JUST LOGGED IN trying to save his family, his marriage and, sometimes, his life as well. I also do it because it was pointed out to me by my friends and online forum predecessors that recovered spouses just don't stick around offering their experience as long as divorced guys that got completely and irreparably screwed over by the experience ~~ therefore, the overall tendency of forums naturally becomes overly negative.

I'm good at it too {I get help too, most of the research was cataloged by others before me, in whole or in part}. Like you on the subject of infidelity, I don't know anything about cancer so curing cancer wasn't ever going to be my mission. We serve where God has placed us and we share our testimony to help others not feel so alone and/or hopeless. The glory is His.
First of all not all my post on here are about infidelity, and half of those posts are snarky comments, not the treaties I am posting on this thread. You only post to defend R, there is no other reason.

Second I get that you think you are helping people and I am sure you are sometimes, but you have basically had to make your whole life about R to be able to do it successfully. Now assuming that link that you posted is you then you seem to be the kind of type A person who studies and writes books about the subject. That's great but that is what it took for you to get past the crap sandwich which you were dealt.

Most of the people posting on these boards don't want to make it their whole life's mission. They just want to have a partner the can trust and not have to live in fear when their partner is not right next to them. They want to have the marriage they thought they had before they got stabbed in the back. Since 95% of them ether don't want or have it in them to even be as introspective or as dedicated as you, or have partners like your wife who seems to be the very best like .01% of WS, it just seems to me what you push for is condemning them a very sad life. Just look at the people on the R board on SI do they look happy to you? I think it's very unfair. You are basically saying look at me, look at how successful I have been, you can do this to. It's like a professional baseball player telling the company softball guy if you just turn your hips sooner you can hit a the ball as far as me. Your situation is very rare for most as far as I can see are not going to work out this way. Most are going to be posting 10 years later still in pain, you want to know how I can tell? I see the posts.

Anyway around in circles we go. You think there is some way we could make money off of these debates we have?

Last edited by sokillme; 04-10-2017 at 02:04 AM.
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post #36 of 195 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 11:10 AM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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How gross.

Double gross to celebrate infidelity on a sub-forum full of people "coping with infidelity" in their lives.
I wish you hadn't quoted the poster. Now everyone has to see it, KWIM?
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post #37 of 195 (permalink) Old 04-10-2017, 11:36 AM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

Truthseeker1

I haven't seen you posting lately, so it's good to see you back my friend. As for your question, many negatives, but the positives are also huge. My wife and I communicate much better, less of the great divide, otherwise known as becoming distant. The intimacy has changed, it's gotten good again, but there was a period that it was very awkward and not so fulfilling. For me that was devastating as I value intimacy very highly. Being more vulnerable and opening of your heart do bring it back to a good level now.

How I see my wife as a person changed, as I thought she believed in all that I did. I still value her as a person, I love and I'm in love with her, but knowing she is capable brought the rose colored glasses to shatter. Her pedestal was also kicked out from under her, and I will not make that mistake again.

My flaws are still there too, but I've worked hard on myself to minimize my flaws as much as possible. I'm not perfect, but a positive is that the work I've done has made me a far better overall person. Emotionally I'm much stronger, physically I've lost weight, so overall I'd say I've improved myself. What I hate is the wake up call that brought upon all these changes in myself.

I'm not completely healed even as of today, but I'm better then I was a month ago. I love my wife more today then a month ago, and my boys are being raised in a safe and stable home. The boys see the work we do to have the marriage that we do. I'm hopeful that they also put the same effort in to their own relationships when they come of age. I tell them that nothing comes easy in life, we work for all that we have, and to care and protect what we have.

The long term effects are trust and intimacy for me. They are improving, and I hope it only gets better from here, but reality is that what brought us to here we both could have done without. My wife understands she is lucky to be here in a marriage, and each day she puts in effort that I find to be amazing. But you can't ever forget what your spouse did to you.

Don't believe everything you hear, and only half of what you see.


Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.
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post #38 of 195 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 07:44 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
I big negative IMHO is knowing what your spouse is capable of. Even if you R and things are going well years later, you will always know the he/she could do it again if they wanted to. And this time they would be more skillful at covering their tracks. So the long term effect is trust is gone for all.
I think knowing they did and could always do this again has to cast a long shadow over the rest of the marriage. I don't see how 100% trust is ever truly restored, perhaps 100% trust should never have been given in the first place? Also down the line when and if the BS is ever tempted are they more likely to give in since they can't think of their spouse at home and say he/she would never do this to me? Like I said earlier the reverberations from cheating last decades if not forver and there is no avoiding that. Perhaps some marriages improve after this but I don't see that as being the norm - getting back to good enough seems ot be the norm.

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I think it is much worse when the BS twists themselves in knots to try to avoid those uncomfortable facts. Your WS probably did "love" their AP maybe not in the holy pure sense but in the lustful, I need you, early stages of a relationship sense. Though with long term affairs they had to mean something to them. I mean long term stuff is even worse it's almost like two marriages.

They probably enjoyed every moment of it. Lots of he initial sadness is also probably partly them getting over their "love" for their AP. This is who these people are, now maybe they can change. But at least look at it with your eyes open. Also you should be aware that what you mean when you say love and what they mean probably are not the same things. Also most WS, at least the kind that can live basically two lives have some serious issues that take a lot of work and a long time to fix. If you choose to R there is really no justice for you. It's just something you learn to live with.
LTAs are the absolute worst because the WS repeatedly lies and lives a double life for so long, how can things ever be normal again? For me the longer the affair the less there is to salvage - how do you ever respect a Ws who can betray you for YEARS and YEARS and still come home and kiss you on the lips and go about life like nothing is going on. Those folks have some serious issues to work out.

As to the enjoyment question -of course they enjoyed it. It was fun getting strange no matter how they feel now they enjoyed it and were intoxicated by it. It's the exposure and the consequences that are not so much fun. We all love running up the credit card but paying the bill sucks doesn't it? lol I truly do not believe a WS will ever get it unless they are betrayed at some point. The tears and the bullsh!t self-flagellation don't impress me in the least. In the end if they get to keep their marriage then they got away with it on some level.

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
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post #39 of 195 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 07:46 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

@drifting on - glad you are doing well and I hope your life continues to improve.

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
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post #40 of 195 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 09:39 AM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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I think knowing they did and could always do this again has to cast a long shadow over the rest of the marriage. I don't see how 100% trust is ever truly restored, perhaps 100% trust should never have been given in the first place? Also down the line when and if the BS is ever tempted are they more likely to give in since they can't think of their spouse at home and say he/she would never do this to me? Like I said earlier the reverberations from cheating last decades if not forver and there is no avoiding that. Perhaps some marriages improve after this but I don't see that as being the norm - getting back to good enough seems ot be the norm.
What about knowing who you are married to. Some of the stories I hear on these boards the terrible cruelty in which people treat the ones who have loved them, how can you want to spend your life with that person still? There cruelty is almost psychopathic. Not everyone even your run of the mill cheaters do some of the stuff these people do. Even they would be disgusted by it. Most at least try to separate it and hide it. Spending a week with your affair partner and doing it right in your spouses face. Asking them how you look before going out on a date. Bringing the person around your kids. Comparing body parts of your spouse to the affair partner to build up the affair partner. People who do that lack basic decency. The have no concept of loyalty. Life is hard how can you depend on a person who has showed such a lack of loyalty? It's hard to go to war when you have to watch your back from friendly fire too.

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post #41 of 195 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 09:40 AM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Congratulations Quality!!!
Your long term experience and success is impressive and encouraging!!!
Others Mileage May Vary ... Not everyone reads posts through the same filter, and Quality's posts just set off my BS detector as being more about trying to convince himself he did the right thing. To my eyes and based on my life experiences, @sokillme has his number, and it generates the same "eye roll of disbelief".
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post #42 of 195 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 09:43 AM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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IMO She way undersold the negative consequences of the affair...as for the WSs "resentment" - hard for me to feel sorry for them since they blew the whole thing up...can anyone add more either positive or negative to her list?
There is an immense amount that was not on the negative side of the list. Detrimental effects to health and spousal violence are the most obvious.
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post #43 of 195 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 01:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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What about knowing who you are married to. Some of the stories I hear on these boards the terrible cruelty in which people treat the ones who have loved them, how can you want to spend your life with that person still? There cruelty is almost psychopathic. Not everyone even your run of the mill cheaters do some of the stuff these people do. Even they would be disgusted by it. Most at least try to separate it and hide it. Spending a week with your affair partner and doing it right in your spouses face. Asking them how you look before going out on a date. Bringing the person around your kids. Comparing body parts of your spouse to the affair partner to build up the affair partner. People who do that lack basic decency. The have no concept of loyalty. Life is hard how can you depend on a person who has showed such a lack of loyalty? It's hard to go to war when you have to watch your back from friendly fire too.
What about gas lighting or blame shifting to make your spouse think they have osme responsibility for you going out to get some strange? When I hear a WS talk about how sh!tty their life is or was so they just had to go out and screw someone else - that really makes my blood boil. If a wayward has to tell me that I know they are not truly remorseful. Ever read a WS who became a madhatter - their perspective shift is astounding - a whole new world is opened up to them and they do not like it. I once read a post by a MH elsehwere who complained how unfair it was to be a BS and WS at the same time. SMH.

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There is an immense amount that was not on the negative side of the list. Detrimental effects to health and spousal violence are the most obvious.
Especially mental health - the hoops BSs have to go through to cope is awful. The WS does not have to run that obstacle course no matter how "bad" they feel. This was dumped in the BS's lap and then they have to go deal with it.

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
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post #44 of 195 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 01:55 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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[COLOR="Red"]Especially mental health - the hoops BSs have to go through to cope is awful. The WS does not have to run that obstacle course no matter how "bad" they feel. This was dumped in the BS's lap and then they have to go deal with it.
Many of them suffer from this though, serious mental health issues. Though that doesn't make it any easier.
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post #45 of 195 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 02:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Many of them suffer from this though, serious mental health issues. Though that doesn't make it any easier.
It takes therapy or the ability to swallow the sh!t sandwich your Ws made for you and not gag.....like I said the Ws do not get it unless they have been betrayed..they get to move on with less scars since they did the cheating...the amount of selfishness it takes to blow up your spouses world is mind boggling isnt it?

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
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