What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair? - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #46 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 02:32 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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It takes therapy or the ability to swallow the sh!t sandwich your Ws made for you and not gag.....like I said the Ws do not get it unless they have been betrayed..they get to move on with less scars since they did the cheating...the amount of selfishness it takes to blow up your spouses world is mind boggling isnt it?
Not sure if I was clear enough, I meant that many WS suffer from some form of mental illness. So you have a relationship now with one person who was born with it, and the other was basally given at least temporary symptoms of mental illness from the actions of the WS. Makes it very hard.

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post #47 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 02:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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and the other was basally given at least temporary symptoms of mental illness from the actions of the WS. Makes it very hard.
This goes straight to the heart of the unfairness of beng the Bs - the Bs is left wiht wreckage he or she did not create but has to clean up - many WSs even "remorseful" ones would not do so well if they were on the receiving end..like I said if you read MH threads you see it - any WS who complains about how unfair it is to be a MH makes me laigh...they say nobody deserves to be cheated on - i'd add except cheaters

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
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post #48 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 02:45 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

I can only speak for myself. I no longer trust anyone or anything.

And I lost my smile.
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post #49 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 02:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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I can only speak for myself. I no longer trust anyone or anything.

And I lost my smile.
That is not shocking at all..which is why I think a WS needs to have their world rocked by betryal in order to fully fvcking get it because they dont....

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
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post #50 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 02:58 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Ever read a WS who became a madhatter - their perspective shift is astounding - a whole new world is opened up to them and they do not like it. I once read a post by a MH elsehwere who complained how unfair it was to be a BS and WS at the same time. SMH.
Chumpcheater Lady's website is entirely built upon this premise.

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The WS does not have to run that obstacle course no matter how "bad" they feel. This was dumped in the BS's lap and then they have to go deal with it.
After a period of difficulty, shock and fear there comes a time for repentance and forgiveness. Recovery doesn't happen overnight but my wife's sins with regards to her horrible adultery several decades ago are now as far as the East from the West to me. She still struggles with it from time to time but I don't. Sure it was "dumped in my lap" at that time but no one promised me a perfect life and I'm certainly not entitled to it. You guys speak as though you are completely sinless and that this transgression, grave as it is, MUST define both the WS and BS for the rest of their lives. My wife's adultery WAS horrible and I'm not ever going to call it a mistake. But I've been a horrible sinner too so I've got enough atoning and repenting to do for myself to be all that overburdened forever concerned about and|or managing my wife's repentance. Consequences aren't for me to decide.


I love my wife. I trust my wife and I'm blessed to have her in my life. Life isn't this hard guys.



an afterthought: affair sex is vulgar. All extra-marital sex is sinful and vulgar {that includes any premarital sex any of us had}. Remembering it, fondly or not, is a consequence of that sin. It's one of the reasons God doesn't wanting any of us having extra-marital sex. He doesn't direct us to keep ourselves pure and maintain our virginity until marriage because He doesn't want us to have fun. Instead, He knows it's destructive to our marital relationships for any of us to have had sex with others not because such long ago sex would hurt your spouse {you likely didn't even know your spouse yet} but rather the memories of such sex remain in your head, fondly or not, as well as all the other potential and destructive consequences of extra-marital sex. I don't know about you guys but marital sex is just so much better than the carefree, risky, bumbling, non-intimate -
sex I had with too many random women in the late 70's early 80's and I'm not saying that to be all "well I was cool and had tons of sex back then", no, I share this with a healthy level of shame and remorse. My wife's choices were 100% hers, but I can concurrently see it as a natural consequence of my|our sinful choices and behaviors for a long time prior to that. When both spouses agree that God didn't mean what He said ~ there's always going to be consequences to follow. Subsequent adultery {where the WS then becomes the BS} isn't the only way one can be an overly offended madhatter towards God.

I wish I could say everything in one word. I hate all the things that can happen between the beginning of a sentence and the end. ~ Leonard Cohen
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post #51 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 03:01 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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I can only speak for myself. I no longer trust anyone or anything.

And I lost my smile.
Sounds like an 80's pop lyric.
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post #52 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 03:06 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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I trust my wife and I'm blessed to have her in my life. Life isn't this hard guys.
I hope this isn't the sentence you start your adultery in marriage workshops with.

What's the deal with your wives affair anyway? Who was it, how did you find out? Did you R right away?
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post #53 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 03:21 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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That is not shocking at all..which is why I think a WS needs to have their world rocked by betryal in order to fully fvcking get it because they dont....

As we live this Holy week, the above point is a pretty good summary of, perhaps, the whole point we still need and have the Old Testament {many wanted to eliminate it after Christ}. God's wrath exhibited therein for even the smallest of sins, certainly rocked the world and they still didn't "get it". I, for one, certainly appreciate living in this time of grace much better and would rather live my life as Jesus did, offering forgiveness to my wife and loving her as Christ loved the church while repenting and concerning myself mostly with my own sins.

Revenge affairs are just more sin and more vulgarity. It's really not necessary for complete remorse and repentance. In fact, it's more likely to result in them rationalizing and justifying their own initial adultery {see, the bastard deserved it} and becomes a perpetual barrier to repentance for both spouses. Then both spouses end up remaining hateful and wayward for years to come.

It MAY sound like poetic justice ~ but revenge isn't justice. In this case, both parties would end up becoming unrepentant adulterers but the injustice is that that the second betrayed spouse actually deserved it and the second wayward spouse did it much more to be intentionally hurtful {AT their wayward spouse}. Further, the resulting pain {though they often gnash their teeth} isn't comparable to being blindsided as the initial betrayed spouse. It's just empty revenge.

I wish I could say everything in one word. I hate all the things that can happen between the beginning of a sentence and the end. ~ Leonard Cohen
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post #54 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 03:48 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Especially mental health - the hoops BSs have to go through to cope is awful. The WS does not have to run that obstacle course no matter how "bad" they feel. This was dumped in the BS's lap and then they have to go deal with it.
QFT
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post #55 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 03:52 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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I can only speak for myself. I no longer trust anyone or anything.

And I lost my smile.
To some degree the A has had a similar affect on me. Even so, I'm still trying to get some of my old self back.

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post #56 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 04:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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To some degree the A has had a similar affect on me. Even so, I'm still trying to get some of my old self back.
That is the thing when someone who is supposed ot have oyur back above all else cheats its hard to trust anyone..if you cant trust your spouse well how do you trust friends and associates? the reverberations from adultery last for a long time..does your wife have trust issues? what are her scars if any?

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
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post #57 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 04:22 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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I wasn't lucky I had a Mother who prayed to God and wasn't a hypocrite. Meaning she was a good moral person and demonstrated that ever day. I also had some very good examples of marriages in my mothers inner circle too. These were church going people who were also not hypocrites. The kind of people who invited the homeless guy who road his bike around town to eat a Thanksgiving dinner (after making him shower of course).

My father was not religious but for all his cheating ways still took an interest in my life and saw me at least twice a week. My relationship probably improved with him because he had to make time for me he couldn't sit in his office and work. I probably had the best possible set up for divorce, in fact I think my step-father did far more damage to my life then my Dad did.

My Dad has been a positive in my life except for the one giant black mark. There would never been an abusive step-father without that affair. If my parents has just divorced I doubt my Mom would have married that guy. She would have probably eventually taken something good out of the relationship. If my Dad had handled the situation with honor my Mother could have had some confidence and would not have been so vulnerable. Like maybe it didn't work out but it wasn't because there was something wrong with her, it was just that they grew apart. They really did change completely and I don't think they would have lasted. My mom went to God my Dad went away from him. By the way my Mother was a great catch for my father, and she was devoted to him. The sun rose and set on him as far as she was concerned. She would have never divorced him. Every women my Dad was with was beautiful. Like model pretty and fit the times too as far as their look. My dad was also very handsome in his day and very successful career wise.

The women he cheated on my mom with cheated on him in about a 3 month span as far as I know. But he didn't want to be married at that point anyway. At least I think by that time he knew he didn't have it in him. He only married again when he was too old to cheat. If there was a cure for aging I bet he would cheat on his current wife now though. Actually I wouldn't be shocked if he did even now. It's in his nature. I love the man, but I would never want to be married to him.

My Mother has never remarried after my step father. She admits now that her picker is broken. That's what happens to little girls whose fathers die when they are very young.

The reason I have a good marriage as far as I can tell are basically do to my Mothers years of prayer. And her constant talking to me about being a good man and husband. Basically she raised me to be what she thought my father was. Half of the crap I post on her about honor and doing the right thing because it's the right thing is just her voice coming out of my mouth. Also even though I find the way my Dad treated women awful he did teach me how to be assertive. Which is a skill a lot of young men don't pick up without a father figure. He also taught me how to think logically and creatively. He is not a bad man he is a flawed man. It's really a tragedy to me actually but such is life. I remember how my mother loved him, she really had it bad. I have never seen here like that with anyone else. Even that wasn't enough. Why he is the way he is now that is the real question.

The IC helped me deal with the fallout of all that and also made me see how some of the qualities I was attracted to were not good ones and were probably a result of me coming from a broken home. I get being the KISA thing because I was doing that. Picking damaged women and then passive aggressively thinking if I fix them they will love me even more. This is why I get how some of these BH's think, because I think like that. Once I got that I started to fight against my instinct.

Anyway I am not lucky God rescued me I have no doubt one of the things you wrote would have come true. Which it would be who knows.

So there you go Quality some more info to psychoanalyze me with.
By your post it sounds like you have done a lot of work. Your wife has to be blessed that you deal on such an honest and realistic, and not instinctual (from past hurts and patterns) level.
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post #58 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 04:34 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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That is the thing when someone who is supposed ot have oyur back above all else cheats its hard to trust anyone..if you cant trust your spouse well how do you trust friends and associates? the reverberations from adultery last for a long time..does your wife have trust issues? what are her scars if any?
Well, I am the wife. My husband does have trust issues, because his parents were divorced when he was 10. After we were getting serious, he told me he had told himself that he would never trust anyone after his parents' divorce, but that he could trust me, and he wanted to marry me. I don't believe he really understood trust and "oneness" because it was never modeled to him. Our marriage suffered before the A because of that, me wanting oneness, and him pulling away. He also had fear of conflict, from the divorce, then from having a domineering mother, and stepfather. He is passive aggressive, less so now that I know what it is, and call him on it more often.

He never knew that his mother cheated on his father with his stepfather, and that is probably what led to her asking for a divorce. She kept the A very secret so she could get custody of the children. She only let me know about it in a way to badmouth my husband's dad because his parents paid a PI to follow her around during the divorce while he was trying to get custody, (she thought he was such a loser that his parents had to pay for the PI) so she and OM, my husband's step father had to be very careful to never be seen. She thought that she was making my husband's father look bad with her story, but it only exposed that she was a cheater.

I can't imagine being raised by a cheating gold digger, who is so good at keeping secrets and keeping up appearances.
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post #59 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 05:23 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Well, I am the wife. My husband does have trust issues, because his parents were divorced when he was 10. After we were getting serious, he told me he had told himself that he would never trust anyone after his parents' divorce, but that he could trust me, and he wanted to marry me. I don't believe he really understood trust and "oneness" because it was never modeled to him. Our marriage suffered before the A because of that, me wanting oneness, and him pulling away. He also had fear of conflict, from the divorce, then from having a domineering mother, and stepfather. He is passive aggressive, less so now that I know what it is, and call him on it more often.

He never knew that his mother cheated on his father with his stepfather, and that is probably what led to her asking for a divorce. She kept the A very secret so she could get custody of the children. She only let me know about it in a way to badmouth my husband's dad because his parents paid a PI to follow her around during the divorce while he was trying to get custody, (she thought he was such a loser that his parents had to pay for the PI) so she and OM, my husband's step father had to be very careful to never be seen. She thought that she was making my husband's father look bad with her story, but it only exposed that she was a cheater.

I can't imagine being raised by a cheating gold digger, who is so good at keeping secrets and keeping up appearances.
Wow was she ever confronted with this stuff? That's a post that should be written here. Who had the affair that you talk about? Whats the story on that?
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post #60 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 05:59 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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I can only speak for myself. I no longer trust anyone or anything.

And I lost my smile.
This exactly, even my closest long term friend I view differently now and don't trust like I used to. Smiling is more of a rarity than a daily occurrence. The activities that I used to love doing don't bring me the same level of happiness they used to. These are the lasting gifts betrayal has brought me.

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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