What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair? - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #61 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 09:36 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Wow was she ever confronted with this stuff? That's a post that should be written here. Who had the affair that you talk about? Whats the story on that?
No, she has not ever been confronted. She is in her 80's o her 4th husband (rich too.) Husband's step dad died, and she had a new husband within 2 years. My husband doesn't think it is his place to confront her, and with her personality, she would deny what she told me 20 years ago anyway. She lives in another state, and we only see her every few years. Her own life (travelling, remodeling her husband's house, etc.) are more important than visiting us and her grand children. Actually it's good she lives far away. She is shallow, and always trying to prove to everyone what a great person she is with all her one-upmanship stories, that she tires me very quickly.

My husband had the affair in 2009. I wrote about it copiously when I joined another forum, and then when I joined TAM. It was a mess, and it hurt me and our children in many ways. Lots of fallout for years because of people who tried to use the information (the A) to hurt us, or take advantage of us in various ways. It caused so much hurt, I don't know if we will ever fully heal or be the family we once were.


Last edited by IMFarAboveRubies; 04-11-2017 at 10:50 PM. Reason: clarity
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post #62 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 09:52 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Sounds like an 80's pop lyric.
You ARE a pop lyric.
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post #63 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-11-2017, 10:26 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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You ARE a pop lyric.
I like to think of my self as more a psychedelic lyric.
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post #64 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 12:38 AM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Originally Posted by bandit.45
I can only speak for myself. I no longer trust anyone or anything.

And I lost my smile.



By Honcho
This exactly, even my closest long term friend I view differently now and don't trust like I used to. Smiling is more of a rarity than a daily occurrence. The activities that I used to love doing don't bring me the same level of happiness they used to. These are the lasting gifts betrayal has brought me.

I have no doubt that betrayal changes the BS (probably the WS also)
Do I trust people 100%? No, and I never should have. However, as a BS, I do trust some people up to 90%. As for smiling, I smile a lot and not because I was betrayed. I smile because I have recovered a lot and do not let my WS control my smiles. My wife’s betrayal is on her and she is the one that has to pay the consequences of her actions, not me.

Honcho, I so not know what activities you no longer have the same happiness with. I hope that you find happiness in other activities. I have happiness with family gatherings with my extended family, children and grandchildren. My wife is included in that but her involvement or non-involvement does not take away my happiness. I go out to eat with my family members and we talk about a lot of things that are in our lives and I get a lot out of that.

Honcho, I hope you do not allow your betrayer to have a significant effect on your life. I always advocate going in self-sufficiency as much as possible and to allow other people to help fulfill your social life. My wife is an important person in my life but she is not the majority source of joy in my life.

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post #65 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 01:04 AM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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she is the one that has to pay the consequences of her actions, not me.
I'm know this sounds good but I am having a hard time believing this is true. You had to at least have suffered some consequence, maybe not anymore but at one point. If not then I would have a hard time believing you loved her.

Be honest the BS and kids always pay the consequences more then the WS. It sucks but it's true.
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post #66 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 02:54 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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she is the one that has to pay the consequences of her actions, not me.

By Sokillme
I'm know this sounds good but I am having a hard time believing this is true. You had to at least have suffered some consequence, maybe not anymore but at one point. If not then I would have a hard time believing you loved her.

Be honest the BS and kids always pay the consequences more then the WS. It sucks but it's true.
In the beginning you are right, the BS and the children do pay a lot of consequences. However, with some WSs they also suffer, some not so much.

Of course I suffered some consequences. However, I have recovered enough in the last 20 years to be able to smile and can have happiness with my activities. I have not let my wife’s betrayal take away my smiles and happiness. Sokillme, you seem to be concerned with justice and punishment more than healing. Justice and punishment has its place but it does not dominate my dealing with infidelity.

I am more interested in my healing than still concentrating on justice and punishment.
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post #67 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:02 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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I have no doubt that betrayal changes the BS (probably the WS also)
Do I trust people 100%? No, and I never should have. However, as a BS, I do trust some people up to 90%. As for smiling, I smile a lot and not because I was betrayed. I smile because I have recovered a lot and do not let my WS control my smiles. My wife’s betrayal is on her and she is the one that has to pay the consequences of her actions, not me.

Honcho, I so not know what activities you no longer have the same happiness with. I hope that you find happiness in other activities. I have happiness with family gatherings with my extended family, children and grandchildren. My wife is included in that but her involvement or non-involvement does not take away my happiness. I go out to eat with my family members and we talk about a lot of things that are in our lives and I get a lot out of that.

Honcho, I hope you do not allow your betrayer to have a significant effect on your life. I always advocate going in self-sufficiency as much as possible and to allow other people to help fulfill your social life. My wife is an important person in my life but she is not the majority source of joy in my life.

I always was and am self sufficient and my crazy ex wasn't the major source of joy in my life but she definitely enriched my life if that makes sense. The words don't come to me to explain but I don't feel the same level of happiness or satisfaction as I once did. By nature I'm not a very trusting person to begin with and it coming from someone that close makes it just that much harder to ever trust in the future.

Not sure how it can't have a significant impact on a person's life but my view is tainted given how the freakshow divorce went.

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #68 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Well, I am the wife. My husband does have trust issues, because his parents were divorced when he was 10. After we were getting serious, he told me he had told himself that he would never trust anyone after his parents' divorce, but that he could trust me, and he wanted to marry me. I don't believe he really understood trust and "oneness" because it was never modeled to him. Our marriage suffered before the A because of that, me wanting oneness, and him pulling away. He also had fear of conflict, from the divorce, then from having a domineering mother, and stepfather. He is passive aggressive, less so now that I know what it is, and call him on it more often.

He never knew that his mother cheated on his father with his stepfather, and that is probably what led to her asking for a divorce. She kept the A very secret so she could get custody of the children. She only let me know about it in a way to badmouth my husband's dad because his parents paid a PI to follow her around during the divorce while he was trying to get custody, (she thought he was such a loser that his parents had to pay for the PI) so she and OM, my husband's step father had to be very careful to never be seen. She thought that she was making my husband's father look bad with her story, but it only exposed that she was a cheater.

I can't imagine being raised by a cheating gold digger, who is so good at keeping secrets and keeping up appearances.
Wow...it sounds like he had serious parental issues. I've written many times before that I know over a dozen children of cheating parents and about half went on to cheat themselves. Now I know my sample is not scientific but what was sad is it didnt matter how brutal the WS's infidelity was to the BS they still grew up to cheat anyway. I do think it has an impact on the kids no matter ow the parents handle it.

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
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post #69 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:30 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Wow...it sounds like he had serious parental issues. I've written many times before that I know over a dozen children of cheating parents and about half went on to cheat themselves. Now I know my sample is not scientific but what was sad is it didnt matter how brutal the WS's infidelity was to the BS they still grew up to cheat anyway. I do think it has an impact on the kids no matter ow the parents handle it.
I hope your observation is not true, because I don't want my children to grow up to be cheaters.
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post #70 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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To some degree the A has had a similar affect on me. Even so, I'm still trying to get some of my old self back.
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Originally Posted by honcho View Post
This exactly, even my closest long term friend I view differently now and don't trust like I used to. Smiling is more of a rarity than a daily occurrence. The activities that I used to love doing don't bring me the same level of happiness they used to. These are the lasting gifts betrayal has brought me.
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Originally Posted by honcho View Post
I always was and am self sufficient and my crazy ex wasn't the major source of joy in my life but she definitely enriched my life if that makes sense. The words don't come to me to explain but I don't feel the same level of happiness or satisfaction as I once did. By nature I'm not a very trusting person to begin with and it coming from someone that close makes it just that much harder to ever trust in the future.

Not sure how it can't have a significant impact on a person's life but my view is tainted given how the freakshow divorce went.
These three quotes just reinforce what the WS steals from the Bs whether they R or D. The Ws does not experience the same loss how could they since they are the ones that did the stealing. For all the wayward tears and self-flagellation it still comes down to the same ting - all of it is self-inflicted whereas what happen to the Bs is inflicted by another. Even those who are "remorseful" still don't fully get it - what they want is to get it over with. I'm talking about the consequences. When I read about BSs trying different kinds of therapy, different techniques - it is like the Ws gave them another full time job just to get through their infidelity.

@bandit.45 is right if you read wayward posts when they are unguarded it is eye opening. You see how selfish they truly are - even the ones in R. You see them proudly claiming the title of fWS as if its a new title to earn and be proud of. It is eye opening to say the least.


“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard

Last edited by Truthseeker1; 04-12-2017 at 04:42 PM.
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post #71 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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I hope your observation is not true, because I don't want my children to grow up to be cheaters.
It wasn't all of them and FWIW it was both sons and daughters who went on to be unfaithful. Like I said it wasnt a scientific example but infidelity does have aftershocks that last for decades. No matter how "sorry" the WS is the aftershocks can't be avoided IMO. The BS and kids bear the bulk of the burden not the cheater - which is what makes is so unfair.

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
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post #72 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Be honest the BS and kids always pay the consequences more then the WS. It sucks but it's true.

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
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post #73 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 04:59 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

I will never, ever believe that it is possible for a marriage to be "better" because of an affair. The only exceptions I make are: if the BH actually enjoys the thought of his wife having sex with another man or that he truly doesn't care about the sexual part of her cheating. But, these rare exceptions aside, the very suggestion that a marriage can be better is ridicules.
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post #74 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 06:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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I will never, ever believe that it is possible for a marriage to be "better" because of an affair. The only exceptions I make are: if the BH actually enjoys the thought of his wife having sex with another man or that he truly doesn't care about the sexual part of her cheating. But, these rare exceptions aside, the very suggestion that a marriage can be better is ridicules.
I have to agree with this. In my own life Most of the couples stayed together or got back together after infidelity and some of their marriages seemed to get back to good enough but nowhere close to better. But perhaps good enough is alright for many people who find fulfillment elsewhere in life. It has to be tough though waking up everyday with someone who can do that to you. I dont think in most cases respect or trust goes back to 100% but how could it?

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
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post #75 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 07:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

I also wonder how "successful" Rs will do 10 years out or more. Will the BS be tempted after the kids are grown to look for greener pastures or will they just give in and stay? I know of one case where the couple lingered in misery for almost a decade and eventually called it quits. Think about it - your spouse cheated - you hit midlife or meet someone else - there really is no "oh my poor spouse would never do this to me so I just can't" going through your head at that moment, because they did do it to you and in some cases did it to you for YEARS. I just wonder how often that does happen in marriages where the couple has been in R for awhile and the Bs finally gets sick of living with it everyday.

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
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