What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair? - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 200Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #76 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-12-2017, 08:06 PM
Member
 
Red Sonja's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 748
Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

I chose not to R after infidelity and, my marriage had other negative factors during its course, that said:

1. My view of human-beings has forever changed.

I now know that there are people in this world who can do great harm to others and think nothing of it; some even derive amusement from it. I am not talking about criminals, serial-killers or despots; I am taking about people who appear to be otherwise nice upstanding citizens and productive members of society. I hate that I learned this the hard way.

2. I feel gullible and stupid.

I am a highly intelligent woman however I feel fundamentally stupid because my exH was able to fool me for so many years and, I had no idea who he truly was. I am also what is termed a “highly empathetic” person. I used to think that was a good quality as long as you maintained strong personal boundaries. Now I think it is a curse because it makes me a target for disordered people (see #1).

Post-marriage/infidelity I have built a life that is productive, enjoyable and peaceful however I live with permanent internal walls up.

Red Sonja is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #77 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 03:26 AM
Member
 
Mr Blunt's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 2,515
Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

[quote]By Honcho
I always was and am self-sufficient and my crazy ex wasn't the major source of joy in my life but she definitely enriched my life if that makes sense. The words don't come to me to explain but I don't feel the same level of happiness or satisfaction as I once did. By nature I'm not a very trusting person to begin with and it coming from someone that close makes it just that much harder to ever trust in the future.

Not sure how it can't have a significant impact on a person's life but my view is tainted given how the freak show divorce went.[/quote]

Honcho,
In the beginning I did not feel the same satisfaction and happiness post-affair in my marriage but through the years I have upped my game in other areas. The betrayal had a significant impact on my life for many years. However, after 20 years it does not have a significant impact anymore. I did not say it had no impact; it just does not have a significant impact.

When I say that I have become more self-sufficient I mean that after many years that I have got to the point that I do not need my wife to be a big factor in my self-esteem. I have been successful in my career, financially, and have a closer relationship to all my family. All my family respect me and enjoy being with me. I have become stronger in my faith and I am grateful for God’s blessing.

Honcho, your freak show divorce does not have to affect your happiness and satisfaction to the degree that you have expressed. The affect that your ex-wife and divorce has had on you can be much improved by you gaining in other areas of your life. Your ex-wife and divorce can become a lot less significant in your life.
Mr Blunt is offline  
post #78 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 12:34 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 30
Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Truthseeker1 View Post
I also wonder how "successful" Rs will do 10 years out or more. Will the BS be tempted after the kids are grown to look for greener pastures or will they just give in and stay? I know of one case where the couple lingered in misery for almost a decade and eventually called it quits. Think about it - your spouse cheated - you hit midlife or meet someone else - there really is no "oh my poor spouse would never do this to me so I just can't" going through your head at that moment, because they did do it to you and in some cases did it to you for YEARS. I just wonder how often that does happen in marriages where the couple has been in R for awhile and the Bs finally gets sick of living with it everyday.
I would love to find studies that track couples who endure infidelity to find out a couple things. First, if they are still together are they satisfied with their marriage today. Second, does BS believe they have healed. Third, of the couples that have divorced, how long did they remain married after the cheating and was that cheating the primary reason for divorce.

As long as the WS and BS answered these questions separately and in strict confidence I think the results would be fascinating. Since "successfully reconciled" means something different to each of us, I would guess that over 90% of marriages would actually truly reconcile.
theDrifter is offline  
 
post #79 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 12:40 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Truthseeker1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,602
Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by theDrifter View Post
I would love to find studies that track couples who endure infidelity to find out a couple things. First, if they are still together are they satisfied with their marriage today. Second, does BS believe they have healed. Third, of the couples that have divorced, how long did they remain married after the cheating and was that cheating the primary reason for divorce.

As long as the WS and BS answered these questions separately and in strict confidence I think the results would be fascinating. Since "successfully reconciled" means something different to each of us, I would guess that over 90% of marriages would actually truly reconcile.
I would love to see a study like that as well. I would guess the many Ws might be happier since they got away with it and on some level the Bs at their sh!tsandwich and stayed. You think over 90% are truly reconciled? Seems a bit high to me.

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard

Last edited by Truthseeker1; 04-13-2017 at 01:11 PM.
Truthseeker1 is offline  
post #80 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 12:53 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Truthseeker1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,602
Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Red Sonja View Post
I chose not to R after infidelity and, my marriage had other negative factors during its course, that said:

1. My view of human-beings has forever changed.

I now know that there are people in this world who can do great harm to others and think nothing of it; some even derive amusement from it. I am not talking about criminals, serial-killers or despots; I am taking about people who appear to be otherwise nice upstanding citizens and productive members of society. I hate that I learned this the hard way.

2. I feel gullible and stupid.

I am a highly intelligent woman however I feel fundamentally stupid because my exH was able to fool me for so many years and, I had no idea who he truly was. I am also what is termed a “highly empathetic” person. I used to think that was a good quality as long as you maintained strong personal boundaries. Now I think it is a curse because it makes me a target for disordered people (see #1).

Post-marriage/infidelity I have built a life that is productive, enjoyable and peaceful however I live with permanent internal walls up.
Infidelity is a wake up call about human nature. If person who vowed to love and be faithful to you can do this to you, what would a stranger do to you? I think infidelity fundamentally breaks something that can never be fully repaired. Which is why I'm skeptical about couples who "renew vows" after infidelity - if the first set of vows wasn't good enough why the hell would the second be any better? I know that is up to the individual couple but to me it seems like calling for a do over like children often do in a game. How can you look at your Ws during the recitation of the second set of vows and think - ok this time it will stick.

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
Truthseeker1 is offline  
post #81 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 12:58 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Truthseeker1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,602
Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr Blunt View Post

Honcho, your freak show divorce does not have to affect your happiness and satisfaction to the degree that you have expressed. The affect that your ex-wife and divorce has had on you can be much improved by you gaining in other areas of your life. Your ex-wife and divorce can become a lot less significant in your life.
[/COLOR]
Mr. Bunt makes an important point here - in the wake of dday the BS shouldn't worry about their WS but themselves and their healing. People can and do survive trauma every day and the BS should set out to do WHATEVER needs to be done to heal properly - that needs to be the first priority. The WS's wounds are self inflicted and really should be a distant afterthought - forgive me but I really find it hard to feel sorry for their shame, guilt, etc since they are the ones who made the damned mess in the first place. In reality most WS move on just fine without the scars the BS has even if they say they are "remorseful".

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
Truthseeker1 is offline  
post #82 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 01:18 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 176
Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Truthseeker1 View Post
You think over 90% are truly reconciled? Seems a bit high to me.
I gotta agree ... I would opine that the real number would be WELL south of 50%. Not divorced does not equal reconciled. When I run self-proclaimed R's through my BH filter, I see a lot more of them trying to convince themselves that they made the right choice. In contrast, you rarely, if ever, see a BH that went straight to D wishing they had given R a chance.
MyRevelation is offline  
post #83 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 01:25 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Truthseeker1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,602
Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MyRevelation View Post
I gotta agree ... I would opine that the real number would be WELL south of 50%. Not divorced does not equal reconciled. When I run self-proclaimed R's through my BH filter, I see a lot more of them trying to convince themselves that they made the right choice. In contrast, you rarely, if ever, see a BH that went straight to D wishing they had given R a chance.
Agreed. In my own life from the people I knew that did R..in many cases it was other things like kids, money, family etc that kept them together not being with their WS. I think in R the WS usually gets the better end of the deal because they get to keep their marriage and family and got to have their diversion. I always say R involves the WS getting away with it on some level.

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
Truthseeker1 is offline  
post #84 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 01:31 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 176
Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Truthseeker1 View Post
I think infidelity fundamentally breaks something that can never be fully repaired. Which is why I'm skeptical about couples who "renew vows" after infidelity - if the first set of vows wasn't good enough why the hell would the second be any better?
We're on the same page, again. My W floated this out to me early on, and it landed with a loud THUD. There are no "do overs" in life, we play the hand we're dealt. Therefore, I try to learn from my mistakes and not repeat them. Now, for a variety of reasons, I have R'd with my W ... probably better than most, but just because my "head" understands the logic of that decision, doesn't mean it still doesn't cause my "gut" nausea at times, and that nausea prevents me from even entertaining the prospect of standing up and making the same promises that weren't kept the last time they were uttered. Her pedestal was smashed by the knowledge that she did not "forsake all others" and one of the consequences of that is I don't have to willingly accept another gut punch, just to soothe her conscience.
MyRevelation is offline  
post #85 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 01:35 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Truthseeker1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,602
Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MyRevelation View Post
We're on the same page, again. My W floated this out to me early on, and it landed with a loud THUD. There are no "do overs" in life, we play the hand we're dealt. Therefore, I try to learn from my mistakes and not repeat them. Now, for a variety of reasons, I have R'd with my W ... probably better than most, but just because my "head" understands the logic of that decision, doesn't mean it still doesn't cause my "gut" nausea at times, and that nausea prevents me from even entertaining the prospect of standing up and making the same promises that weren't kept the last time they were uttered. Her pedestal was smashed by the knowledge that she did not "forsake all others" and one of the consequences of that is I don't have to willingly accept another gut punch, just to soothe her conscience.
I do not know your story but it seems to me you have lost respect for you wife and are not getting it back anytime soon. So tell me what do you even get out of this marriage? Do you find yourself thinking about other women/ Tempted by other women? I'm curious and not trying to be snarky.


“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
Truthseeker1 is offline  
post #86 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 02:24 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 176
Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Truthseeker1 View Post
I do not know your story but it seems to me you have lost respect for you wife and are not getting it back anytime soon. So tell me what do you even get out of this marriage? Do you find yourself thinking about other women/ Tempted by other women? I'm curious and not trying to be snarky.
To fully answer your question would take more time than I have to write and probably you have to read, but the short version is the typical drunken ONS on a girls only vacation. I trusted her too much and overlooked the selfish me, me, me red flags, and it bit me in the ass. I had been D'd before, and reconnected with someone from my hometown that had harbored a "thing" for me since grade school that I was only mildly aware of due to our age difference (5 years), which is nothing as adults, but wasn't even on my radar as a HS senior and she was 12. After what I had been through in prior relationships and now in my early 30's, it felt good to be the one pursued by the young hottie and it blinded me to the more selfish aspects of her personality, and as I said, it bit me.

I still, or maybe should say refound, respect for her, but she had to earn it back over the past nearly 10 years. My issue is more with the loss of the pride I once felt about our relationship that I considered "special", and after a lot of reflection, it is that "specialness" that I treasured so much, and still grieve its loss.

We have a very fulfilling relationship, and I know it gets thrown out a lot, but she really is my best friend. We travel very well and often together ... we spend hours and hours every week, just relaxing on our deck talking. We have a very satisfying and active sex life. We share a very active hobby together, breeding and training working bird dogs, and are the envy of most of our friends, who know nothing of our troubles, but that "specialness" pedestal that I once placed her on has been smashed beyond any repair. I also harbor some internal conflict over compromising my own values and only being able to confront the OM over the phone, since it was a ONS out of the country.

As for your last question, I work in a female dominated field, and am often cast in the role of their KISA, so I have a lot of opposite sex opportunity thrown my way and while I am human, and ego kibbles feel good every now and then, I've not been tempted to pursue them further, but I'm also 56 now and have matured greatly from some of my earlier days.

Hopefully, that answered a question or two, even though I wrote more than I originally intended.
MyRevelation is offline  
post #87 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 02:48 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Truthseeker1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,602
Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MyRevelation View Post
To fully answer your question would take more time than I have to write and probably you have to read, but the short version is the typical drunken ONS on a girls only vacation. I trusted her too much and overlooked the selfish me, me, me red flags, and it bit me in the ass. I had been D'd before, and reconnected with someone from my hometown that had harbored a "thing" for me since grade school that I was only mildly aware of due to our age difference (5 years), which is nothing as adults, but wasn't even on my radar as a HS senior and she was 12. After what I had been through in prior relationships and now in my early 30's, it felt good to be the one pursued by the young hottie and it blinded me to the more selfish aspects of her personality, and as I said, it bit me.

I still, or maybe should say refound, respect for her, but she had to earn it back over the past nearly 10 years. My issue is more with the loss of the pride I once felt about our relationship that I considered "special", and after a lot of reflection, it is that "specialness" that I treasured so much, and still grieve its loss.

We have a very fulfilling relationship, and I know it gets thrown out a lot, but she really is my best friend. We travel very well and often together ... we spend hours and hours every week, just relaxing on our deck talking. We have a very satisfying and active sex life. We share a very active hobby together, breeding and training working bird dogs, and are the envy of most of our friends, who know nothing of our troubles, but that "specialness" pedestal that I once placed her on has been smashed beyond any repair. I also harbor some internal conflict over compromising my own values and only being able to confront the OM over the phone, since it was a ONS out of the country.

As for your last question, I work in a female dominated field, and am often cast in the role of their KISA, so I have a lot of opposite sex opportunity thrown my way and while I am human, and ego kibbles feel good every now and then, I've not been tempted to pursue them further, but I'm also 56 now and have matured greatly from some of my earlier days.

Hopefully, that answered a question or two, even though I wrote more than I originally intended.
Thanks for the honest answer. It seems to me this is a shadow in your relationship and always will be - which is what brings you to TAM I would think. Does your wife still take girls only vacations?

As to your last paragraph - perhaps that is the difference between cheaters an dnon cheaters - even in similar circumstances the non cheater will not yield to temptation. Despire some rhteroic to the contrary there are REAL differences in the was BS and WS deal wiht marital discord.

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
Truthseeker1 is offline  
post #88 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 02:57 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 176
Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Truthseeker1 View Post
It seems to me this is a shadow in your relationship and always will be - which is what brings you to TAM I would think. Does your wife still take girls only vacations?
Oh, HELL NO! ... and the two 20+ year long time girlfriends of hers that were on that vacation have been permanently removed from our lives. That was another dumbass red flag I ignored ... both of them had previously been OW. Now, they are EX-friends.
MyRevelation is offline  
post #89 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 03:00 PM
Member
 
totalfive21's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 76
Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

In response to the original question from the OP...

4.5 years post d-day for me, the long term effect of the affair has been deep resentment on my part. At first, when I was so devastated and desperate for my WH to stay with me, I was willing to "forgive" immediately as I did the "pick me" dance. He stayed. I was relieved. I kept the family together for our young son. I was honestly thinking of my son's well being more than my own, but I was also sooooo emotional myself about my marriage.

Fast forward till today. The affair was never fully dealt with. The rugsweeping allowed my WH to get away with the affair with no consequences. But I have detached, at least in part. There were also other problems with the marriage (verbally abusive outbursts on his part), but the infidelity was the lynchpin. I cannot justify ending it right now for the mere reason that I can't get over the past. For my son's sake, I can't do that. My son has NO clue that there were deep problems. I managed to hide that very well.

But my WH's proven problems with marital boundaries make me think that some form of impropriety will happen again. I am waiting for a smoking gun -- any contact with former AP, any form of violating marital boundaries. Even flirting. I have placed a VAR on average every third day for the past few months. Nothing has turned up, but I am waiting. This sounds completely warped, but in part I am hoping to find that smoking gun so I will have ZERO doubts about ending it and moving on. I don't want to make this kind of decision, citing a reason that is 4.5 years old at this point. I know it doesn't matter, but that's how I feel.
totalfive21 is offline  
post #90 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 03:02 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Truthseeker1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,602
Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MyRevelation View Post
Oh, HELL NO! ... and the two 20+ year long time girlfriends of hers that were on that vacation have been permanently removed from our lives. That was another dumbass red flag I ignored ... both of them had previously been OW. Now, they are EX-friends.
Do you feel your WW got away with it on some level? Just curious...

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
Truthseeker1 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Defining long term success aine Long Term Success in Marriage 16 03-15-2017 03:49 PM
Long term separation, don't know how to move on Hellomynameis Going Through Divorce or Separation 24 12-16-2016 02:23 PM
How long is long enough: need advice trek Reconciliation 8 06-05-2016 04:27 PM
To BS who's WS had a long term affair... badmemory Coping with Infidelity 35 02-10-2016 04:08 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome