What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair? - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
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post #106 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 03:53 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Originally Posted by theDrifter View Post
I would love to find studies that track couples who endure infidelity to find out a couple things. First, if they are still together are they satisfied with their marriage today. Second, does BS believe they have healed.
Not sure if their opinion of this is that objective, in the sense that they may feel they are satisfied but if this is the only marriage they have known maybe they are still settling for kale instead of chocolate. They may like kale, but if you gave them chocolate they would never eat kale again.

I can see smoke coming out of certain posters ears right now.

It the interest in fairness it could also be said all that really matters is their satisfaction because it is their marriage.

That's the thing, just because someone is happy in a bad situation doesn't me someone else would be and vice versa. In a sense we are all spinning our wheels when we give or look for advice about this. One thing though that is obvious if you are still sad and posting on a R board 2, 3, 5, 10 years out you are not as happy as you say you are.

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post #107 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 04:00 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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To fully answer your question would take more time than I have to write and probably you have to read, but the short version is the typical drunken ONS on a girls only vacation. I trusted her too much and overlooked the selfish me, me, me red flags, and it bit me in the ass. I had been D'd before, and reconnected with someone from my hometown that had harbored a "thing" for me since grade school that I was only mildly aware of due to our age difference (5 years), which is nothing as adults, but wasn't even on my radar as a HS senior and she was 12. After what I had been through in prior relationships and now in my early 30's, it felt good to be the one pursued by the young hottie and it blinded me to the more selfish aspects of her personality, and as I said, it bit me.

I still, or maybe should say refound, respect for her, but she had to earn it back over the past nearly 10 years. My issue is more with the loss of the pride I once felt about our relationship that I considered "special", and after a lot of reflection, it is that "specialness" that I treasured so much, and still grieve its loss.

We have a very fulfilling relationship, and I know it gets thrown out a lot, but she really is my best friend. We travel very well and often together ... we spend hours and hours every week, just relaxing on our deck talking. We have a very satisfying and active sex life. We share a very active hobby together, breeding and training working bird dogs, and are the envy of most of our friends, who know nothing of our troubles, but that "specialness" pedestal that I once placed her on has been smashed beyond any repair. I also harbor some internal conflict over compromising my own values and only being able to confront the OM over the phone, since it was a ONS out of the country.

As for your last question, I work in a female dominated field, and am often cast in the role of their KISA, so I have a lot of opposite sex opportunity thrown my way and while I am human, and ego kibbles feel good every now and then, I've not been tempted to pursue them further, but I'm also 56 now and have matured greatly from some of my earlier days.

Hopefully, that answered a question or two, even though I wrote more than I originally intended.
See no real justice. The sadness in your story is why I push so hard for BS to move on. When this happened you could have moved on and not had to live with all this disappointment in your life. There are a lot of guys who do this though. So many melancholy post from men who stayed.

So here is a bunch of questions..

Why didn't you move on, did you think it was going to be this way then or did you think you would eventually return to the way the marriage was before? How did you find out? Are you sure you have all the facts and this was her first rodeo? I think people are ether cheaters or non cheaters like how you wouldn't do it, even though you had a chance and some wouldn't blame you. So I always find it fishy that someones character could just change for one single night. That doesn't fit with my experience, more like there was other maybe smaller things and boundaries being pushed. You talk about red flags was your wife always pushing the limits? Does your wife know and feel the loss too (the magic pedestal thing you talk about)? I suspect most WS don't because the didn't value it in the first place. (just read your other post which confirms my thoughts).

Here is a biggie, what if you just happened to meet someone, not looking who you really clicked with. Would you stay out of duty and honor? I don't believe you could stay out of loyalty as that went out the window.

Sorry for the interrogation.

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post #108 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 04:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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See no real justice. Does your wife know and feel the loss too? I suspect most WS don't because the didn't value it in the first place.
In my experience many WSs are perfectly willing to live with the injustice being one sided in their favor but howl when they have injustice inflicted upon them. Ever read a WS who becomes a MH - it is eye opening. They whine about how unfair it is but were perfectly willing to live with things the other way. WSs suddenly discover boundaries after getting caught - I read one case where the H in the heat of anger threatened an RA and the WW told her H she didnt want to be in a relationship with a partner who cheated and the guy fvcking took it and said she was right. SMH.

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
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post #109 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 04:12 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Originally Posted by totalfive21 View Post
In response to the original question from the OP...

4.5 years post d-day for me, the long term effect of the affair has been deep resentment on my part. At first, when I was so devastated and desperate for my WH to stay with me, I was willing to "forgive" immediately as I did the "pick me" dance. He stayed. I was relieved. I kept the family together for our young son. I was honestly thinking of my son's well being more than my own, but I was also sooooo emotional myself about my marriage.

Fast forward till today. The affair was never fully dealt with. The rugsweeping allowed my WH to get away with the affair with no consequences. But I have detached, at least in part. There were also other problems with the marriage (verbally abusive outbursts on his part), but the infidelity was the lynchpin. I cannot justify ending it right now for the mere reason that I can't get over the past. For my son's sake, I can't do that. My son has NO clue that there were deep problems. I managed to hide that very well.

But my WH's proven problems with marital boundaries make me think that some form of impropriety will happen again. I am waiting for a smoking gun -- any contact with former AP, any form of violating marital boundaries. Even flirting. I have placed a VAR on average every third day for the past few months. Nothing has turned up, but I am waiting. This sounds completely warped, but in part I am hoping to find that smoking gun so I will have ZERO doubts about ending it and moving on. I don't want to make this kind of decision, citing a reason that is 4.5 years old at this point. I know it doesn't matter, but that's how I feel.
When your son is grown then what? I think staying for the kids is a terrible mistake. Modeling a loveless marriage will affect him just as much as divorce. But it's your life. At least do an ask reddit or something.
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post #110 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 04:15 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
I can only speak for myself. I no longer trust anyone or anything.

And I lost my smile.
Damn bandit, I was about to write the same, verbatim.

Only exception is I learned to smile again.






(Any chance you can bring back that sweet piece you had for your avatar?)
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post #111 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 04:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Damn bandit, I was about to write the same, verbatim.

Only exception is I learned to smile again.






(Any chance you can bring back that sweet piece you had for your avatar?)
I think many BSs have trust issues after dday...I wonder how many WSs have trust issues? Hmmm ..I'm thnking most do just fine until they themselves get betrayed - if they ever do...

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
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post #112 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 04:27 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
When your son is grown then what? I think staying for the kids is a terrible mistake. Modeling a loveless marriage will affect him just as much as divorce. But it's your life. At least do an ask reddit or something.
I have tried very hard to not portray a loveless marriage. My husband is affectionate toward me in front of my son and I reciprocate. I am still conflicted about what will happen in the long term, as I mentioned, and you're right that to some degree my son might pick up on that, but I try darn hard to not show anything. Sorry to be ignorant, but what's an "ask reddit"? I googled and see that it's a forum for questions, but is there something specific you meant?
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post #113 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 04:30 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Originally Posted by Truthseeker1 View Post
I think many BSs have trust issues after dday...I wonder how many WSs have trust issues? Hmmm ..I'm thnking most do just fine until they themselves get betrayed - if they ever do...
Trust issues is a big understatement. It's been 6+ years and I still do not trust on a personal level.

I will meet a very nice woman and my first thought is how will you try to screw me over. It's not healthy. I hate it.
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post #114 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 04:34 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

This thread should be required reading by BS, not the rah rah, "you can do it" "you're on the path to happiness" that is often posted on these threads.

An interesting point that could be made and that I also see a lot of on these threads is often the BS idolizes and puts their WS on a pedestal like @MyRevelation did. I do this to, I really think it is an important part of how I feel love. They do this only to find out that the WS had no concept and found no value in that aspect of the love that was given to them. I think if I had a child I would teach them to make sure that they are on the same page when it comes to thinking like this and who they are committing to.

I am reminded of another thread I read one time where the guy was lamenting that after he has sex with his adulterous wife the sacredness was broken. But the truth was it was only sacred to him. There never was anything sacred about it for her. Part of his issue was assuming that she ever got that in the first place. I think all of us who get cheated on make this assumption. It's a hard lesson to learn that some people just aren't that deep. I actually think introspection is an underrated quality to look for in a spouse. It has great value.
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post #115 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 04:56 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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I have tried very hard to not portray a loveless marriage. My husband is affectionate toward me in front of my son and I reciprocate. I am still conflicted about what will happen in the long term, as I mentioned, and you're right that to some degree my son might pick up on that, but I try darn hard to not show anything. Sorry to be ignorant, but what's an "ask reddit"? I googled and see that it's a forum for questions, but is there something specific you meant?
It's a part of the board where you ask questions. It's probably been asked but one might be. "For those of you who know your parents stayed together for you how do you feel about that now?" Another might be, "For those of you who stayed for the kids how did it go?" I would search Google to see if it's been asked but you can ask it yourself if not. I think you are going to find the answers are not what you expect.

I know I would be pissed and feel guilty if one of my parents basically sacrificed there relational happiness for me. I didn't ask for that, especially if it took destroying their soul and living with someone who treated them like crap to do it. You may be surprised that your son may one day have a very different take on this then you do.

I actually am in a place to talk to this as though it is a little different my stepfather was verbally abusive. While it was going on I ask my Mom one time why is she putting up with it. She said she was staying basically for me because she didn't think she could handle me and support us financially. I told her then an there I would not take that on and was not responsible and would not take responsibility for that choice. I was about 14 or 15. It seemed pretty unfair to put that on me. I still feel that way.

Well having him in my life probably made me act out more and I know it caused issues in my young adult life, and he eventually sent thousands of dollars to someone he met on the internet, so there's that. At that point I told her she was less financially secure alone then she was with him. Finally she left. She will tell you the years being single have been the happiest times in her life. No she will say that was the worst mistake in her life.

I know this is hard to hear but it's a mistake to assume you are safe cause your husband may still blow up your sons life. At least if you moved on now you could do so in a controlled way. If you read on here you see all manor of ****ed up things that WS do to their families. You even say yourself you are waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think IC would be good for you. But you need to think about all the eventualities not just the one where somehow your son doesn't pick up on the fact that you stayed in a loveless marriage for him, he never knew it was loveless, and your husband never cheated again. That seems almost to perfect a scenario when you are dealing with a cheater. It seems very unlikely.


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post #116 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 05:16 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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I have to be honest I can't point to one story I have read that has made me feel differently. Even the good ones half of their marriage is about the affair. It consumes all aspects of the marriage, I am not going to say that is a healthy marriage. It's a diminishes marriage from what a marriage should be. There is a reason why it's called adultery, it adulterates the marriage.

Even your post, you are basically saying you are happy in spite of your wife. How sad for you that you never got to have a marriage where you were happy because of your wife. Most of you guys sound like this, you.
My W and I don't speak much about her A anymoree, it doesn't consume us really. I consider it a healthy marriage now, but who is the real judge of that anyways? Marriage is between two people, so is there a need for some 3rd party validation on the statr of the M quality?

I think the things that helped me R are believing that people are not perfect and screw up, and can hurt you in doing so, knowingly.
It also helped me that I did too screw up big earlier in my life (non relationship related) knowingly and was very selfish, I got caught by someone whom gave me a huge break that I could never be thankful enough for....this perhaps elevated my empathy level enough to help me in R when my W cheated.
So I think every situation is highly different with many other influential factors that drive wether M after and A can be good again, I don't think anyone will ever be able to tell the success ratio TBH, but I believe is possible, but also fully admitting is hard work and really sucks to go thru it...BS has every right to D immediately, no questions asked.
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post #117 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 05:30 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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I also wonder how "successful" Rs will do 10 years out or more. Will the BS be tempted after the kids are grown to look for greener pastures or will they just give in and stay? I know of one case where the couple lingered in misery for almost a decade and eventually called it quits. Think about it - your spouse cheated - you hit midlife or meet someone else - there really is no "oh my poor spouse would never do this to me so I just can't" going through your head at that moment, because they did do it to you and in some cases did it to you for YEARS. I just wonder how often that does happen in marriages where the couple has been in R for awhile and the Bs finally gets sick of living with it everyday.
Having stayed for the kids, yes, the questions you describe came up, and I wrestled with it.

It really depends on what you think is the purpose of long term marriage. I see it as a contract with a lot of dimensions besides "love". My situation is not the same as Mr Blunt's but there are a lot of similarities. My wife is an important partner, and I have a very clear idea of how far I can rely on her in different areas. But I have other significant relationships in my life.

That was part of the rebuilding process. I think life is like that. Bad things happen, and you process it and adjust. When I was in my twenties I had all sorts of unrealistic expectations from life.
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post #118 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 05:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Having stayed for the kids, yes, the questions you describe came up, and I wrestled with it.

It really depends on what you think is the purpose of long term marriage. I see it as a contract with a lot of dimensions besides "love". My situation is not the same as Mr Blunt's but there are a lot of similarities. My wife is an important partner, and I have a very clear idea of how far I can rely on her in different areas. But I have other significant relationships in my life.

That was part of the rebuilding process. I think life is like that. Bad things happen, and you process it and adjust. When I was in my twenties I had all sorts of unrealistic expectations from life.
Hey Wazza nice to see you posting again. This is what I see in a lot of couples after infidelity - at least in my own life - they begin to form other bonds and get fulfillment in other areas in life. Some who stayed fell into alcoholism or depression others were just plain whipped by their WS - but many ended up as you describe. The spouse went from being the sun and the moon to merely a part of their lives. I dont think WS's realize what they threw away. Also I wonder just how many BSs could find something better if they took the leap.

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
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post #119 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 05:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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My W and I don't speak much about her A anymoree, it doesn't consume us really. I consider it a healthy marriage now, but who is the real judge of that anyways? Marriage is between two people, so is there a need for some 3rd party validation on the statr of the M quality?

I think the things that helped me R are believing that people are not perfect and screw up, and can hurt you in doing so, knowingly.
It also helped me that I did too screw up big earlier in my life (non relationship related) knowingly and was very selfish, I got caught by someone whom gave me a huge break that I could never be thankful enough for....this perhaps elevated my empathy level enough to help me in R when my W cheated.
So I think every situation is highly different with many other influential factors that drive wether M after and A can be good again, I don't think anyone will ever be able to tell the success ratio TBH, but I believe is possible, but also fully admitting is hard work and really sucks to go thru it...BS has every right to D immediately, no questions asked.
Good enough? Yeah sure it can but the shadow never goes away. Everyone stays for their own reasons and I dont judge. However when a BS stays after getting the facts whatever happens after that is on them.

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
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post #120 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 05:50 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Not sure if their opinion of this is that objective, in the sense that they may feel they are satisfied but if this is the only marriage they have known maybe they are still settling for kale instead of chocolate. They may like kale, but if you gave them chocolate they would never eat kale again.

I can see smoke coming out of certain posters ears right now.

It the interest in fairness it could also be said all that really matters is their satisfaction because it is their marriage.

That's the thing, just because someone is happy in a bad situation doesn't me someone else would be and vice versa. In a sense we are all spinning our wheels when we give or look for advice about this. One thing though that is obvious if you are still sad and posting on a R board 2, 3, 5, 10 years out you are not as happy as you say you are.
One fact is irrefutable: most of the men who divorce their WW's do not end up posting here for long. I'm still waiting for one of them to say I wish I had stayed. Most of these men might wish that she never cheated and perhaps long for the days before infidelity but none of them seem to think they made a mistake.
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