What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair? - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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post #121 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 05:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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One fact is irrefutable: most of the men who divorce their WW's do not end up posting here for long. I'm still waiting for one of them to say I wish I had stayed. Most of these men might wish that she never cheated and perhaps long for the days before infidelity but none of them seem to think they made a mistake.
Decisive people tend to make a choice and move forward - no fence sitting. It takes a lot of courage and belief in oneself to do that and unfortunately a lot of people do not have that. I also think those who D - accept the challenge of creating a new life and are hoping to make it a better one. I admire those folks.


“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
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post #122 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 06:13 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

I know few men miserable after D, maybe not infidelity related, but it happens

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post #123 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 06:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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I know few men miserable after D, maybe not infidelity related, but it happens

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Its probably money related if they got screwed in the settlement...

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post #124 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 06:54 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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posted in wrong section
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post #125 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 07:18 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Or it is learned behavior - my mom or dad cheated and I love them so it cant be that bad.
I'm in the learned behavior camp. When I learned about my mom's affair I can still remember my dad saying when asked why he doesn't file for divorce "you marry for life and no one else would take care of her". When my fiasco started those words rattled around my head constantly. No one is truly prepared for this moment if it hits your life, it's natural that a person's first instinct is to do what your parents did. I would have attempted to reconcile because that's what my father did and I was taught the vows you took were vows when times got tough, not when it was easy street and everything was great. Right or wrong that's what I was taught.

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday
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post #126 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 07:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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I'm in the learned behavior camp. When I learned about my mom's affair I can still remember my dad saying when asked why he doesn't file for divorce "you marry for life and no one else would take care of her". When my fiasco started those words rattled around my head constantly. No one is truly prepared for this moment if it hits your life, it's natural that a person's first instinct is to do what your parents did. I would have attempted to reconcile because that's what my father did and I was taught the vows you took were vows when times got tough, not when it was easy street and everything was great. Right or wrong that's what I was taught.
Me too..I know of a case where a parent who cheated critiqued their cheating child for coming clean and being honest about their affair. The quote was something like why the hell would you ever admit to what you did. Can you imagine that? So yeah kids definitely learn by watching how their parents behave which is why I think it is important for kids to see some consequences for the cheating parent.

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
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post #127 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-13-2017, 07:36 PM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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which is why I think it is important for kids to see some consequences for the cheating parent.
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post #128 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 12:01 AM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Does this mean you will not be permitting your wayward father any relationship with your children {his grandchildren} someday? After all, you need to model appropriate consequences for cheating to them. Your father still needs to be punished.

Just saying it's quite a bit hypocritical to be preaching divorce, punishing a cheater and having nothing to do with cheating spouse when you don't feel it necessary at all to disassociate yourself from your own wayward father that abandoned your mother and you {except a couple days a week}.


I don't regret reconciling one bit and my wife, children and myself are ALL much better off and suffer far less consequences today that we would have had I {justifiably} kicked my wife to the curb and divorced her. Not only did my wife get to model repentance but I was also challenged with offering forgiveness to our children AND thereafter they got to live safely with their biological parents in a much more loving household that overtly modeled a much healthier marital relationship complete with traditional, appropriate and reciprocal boundaries and accountability.

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post #129 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 12:37 AM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Does this mean you will not be permitting your wayward father any relationship with your children {his grandchildren} someday? After all, you need to model appropriate consequences for cheating to them. Your father still needs to be punished.

Just saying it's quite a bit hypocritical to be preaching divorce, punishing a cheater and having nothing to do with cheating spouse when you don't feel it necessary at all to disassociate yourself from your own wayward father that abandoned your mother and you {except a couple days a week}.


I don't regret reconciling one bit and my wife, children and myself are ALL much better off and suffer far less consequences today that we would have had I {justifiably} kicked my wife to the curb and divorced her. Not only did my wife get to model repentance but I was also challenged with offering forgiveness to our children AND thereafter they got to live safely with their biological parents in a much more loving household that overtly modeled a much healthier marital relationship complete with traditional, appropriate and reciprocal boundaries and accountability.
God you are so obtuse. It's a wonder how you can run these seminars you do. I fear someone tells you one thing and you just make something else up in your head. Consequences like divorce? Get it? Anyway I never have once recommended parents be cut out of children's life. On the contrary, I am very pro parents in their children's life, assuming they are functioning adults and not a danger to them. If you are going to criticize me at least do it in the context of what I say.

So when are going to post your full story? Or are you only on here to research and criticize others?

One of the Long Term Effects Of An Affair is Quality policing my posts. Avoiding that should be enough to make any spouse faithful.
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post #130 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 12:48 AM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Originally Posted by Truthseeker1 View Post
Decisive people tend to make a choice and move forward - no fence sitting. It takes a lot of courage and belief in oneself to do that and unfortunately a lot of people do not have that. I also think those who D - accept the challenge of creating a new life and are hoping to make it a better one. I admire those folks.
This is just so disingenuous and completely devoid of understanding what actually happens to betrayed spouses upon discovering their spouse is having an affair. I get it ~ it's kind of the point of these threads you start to keep hammering on your message of hopelessness but whatever. Divorce will always have more long term negative effects after infidelity than a good recovery. Sure the wayward spouse doesn't get punished as severely when you reconcile but so what ~ why do I have to destroy my family just to punish her?

I forget ~~ are you another one of these guys that's never experienced infidelity telling us lowly weak betrayed spouses how big and tough you'd be if you were, hypothetically, faced with such decision?

Discovering your spouse is cheating is traumatic.

Making sound rational decisions is literally impossible.

It messes with your mind. I started out completely ready to divorce when I, at first, suspected the affair only to completely change my mind after I completely uncovered it. It's a completely natural reaction, biologically speaking, for men to want to keep possession of their girl. We did it in elementary, middle and school and in every romantic relationship thereafter. Men scramble to overcome rejection and abandonment like it's a puzzle that needs to be solved or a game of sport that we need to "win". Almost every guy I've met that was cheated on that is now divorced ~~ INITIALLY, wanted to reconcile. The only ones that actually leave immediately are the ones that had already checked out of the marriage themselves a long time before.

It takes courage and faith to decide to reconcile or choose to divorce. But it's often most wise to take a little time and assess the situation and decide later, in a very timely fashion ~~ not indefinitely ~~ not sitting in limbo while she decides {ala Divorce Busting}. "decide" asap on a dang timeline, at least.

Further, I didn't choose to reconcile because I was somehow scared to "accept the challenge of creating a new life and hoping to make it a better one", rather, I got my wife to accept the challenge of creating a new life and marriage with me, TOGETHER, while planning to make it a better one; and, if we failed, I'd have then moved on and created a new life without her that would have been better than what I had previous to that {there would be no "hoping to make it a better one" ~ I'd have just done it}.


I wish I could say everything in one word. I hate all the things that can happen between the beginning of a sentence and the end. ~ Leonard Cohen
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post #131 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 01:14 AM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Divorce will always have more long term negative effects after infidelity than a good recovery.
Yeah it's quite obvious how well everyone has recovered on the R board on SI. I mean you seem well adjusted.
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post #132 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 01:28 AM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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God you are so obtuse. It's a wonder how you can run these seminars you do. I fear someone tells you one thing and you just make something else up in your head. Consequences like divorce? Get it? Anyway I never have once recommended parents be cut out of children's life. On the contrary, I am very pro parents in their children's life, assuming they are functioning adults and not a danger to them. If you are going to criticize me at least do it in the context of what I say.
recommending divorce as the only appropriate consequence for adultery and suggesting that kids need to have that modelled for them IS actually recommending parents be cut out of their children's life.

Even if my wife and I each got 50% custody ~ We'd each be "cut out" of 50% of our children's lives.

We had young children and it would have been years before they were adults and very often teenage children LIKE living with the [formerly] wayward parent because teenagers are narcissists and like living with the good time parent that can't be bothered with parenting and has no boundaries, so many betrayed spouses, particularly betrayed ex-husband's end up being "cut out" of even MORE of their children's lives.

But you quoted truthseek's statement that children need to see consequences modelled and I know how you feel about everyone needs to divorce so I just thought it a bit hypocritical that you're likely going to allow your own children to have a relationship with your wayward father who hasn't hardly had any consequences for his cheating on your mother and abandoning you to then be abused by your step-father. Just seems inconsistent that you're likely going to model something else for your own children. Unlike my wife, has your dad even repented?

Further, why is it only your mother's obligation to deliver consequences upon your father. You're an adult, why don't you do it. You're so eager for all us betrayed spouses to dump our cheating spouses, I challenge you to dump your dad. It's unhealthy for you to put up with his yet wayward unapologetic abusive mindset. Were it not for him, you wouldn't be here listening to me at all.


snark aside...

we all have cognitive dissonance to some degree or another. I'm a couple decades into this and I'm really sure that I feel fine about it all now. I'm not fighting demons or trying to convince myself everything is great and I certainly don't have to or need to convince anyone here {I just repeat it as hope for the newbies reading along}. We're just good and we are both very lucky & blessed to be at this place in our lives. I'm also not trying to brag or make anyone feel bad because they weren't able to accomplish recovery in such a manner. My wife and I worked well together to accomplish this. Her affair was just as bad as many we see her on TAM. We didn't have some easy situation to overcome. We both thought the marriage was over. We aren't unique and really anyone can do it too {I've seen it happen for others}. But maybe I'm wrong and OM will stop by tomorrow and steal my wife away and I'll be destroyed again, for a time ~ then get up again and find happiness elsewhere again. I'm not afraid of whatever life has in store for me. That said, I'm sincerely asking, does the notion that your parents COULD HAVE reconciled make you feel worse about what you endured after they divorced due to his infidelity and unrepentance? I mean, you're married, what is it, 14 years now and your wife hasn't cheated on you but you're spending hundreds of hours the last year or so on here and on Reddit telling everyone you can that they need to divorce their cheating spouse and that reconciliation doesn't exist and that it's, apparently, unhealthy to model to the children. Seriously, what or where is YOUR dissonance here?

I wish I could say everything in one word. I hate all the things that can happen between the beginning of a sentence and the end. ~ Leonard Cohen
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post #133 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 01:53 AM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Yeah it's quite obvious how well everyone has recovered on the R board on SI. I mean you seem well adjusted.
SI is a cesspool. The deceased former admin liked it that way and anyone that truly wanted to recover would leave that place and get about doing it and living it.


I don't care if you think I'm maladjusted.

When you roll around in the mud with pigs, you tend to get a little dirty yourself.

Again, my message of hope is simply offered as a counterbalance to the perpetual message of hopelessness being offered purposefully, persistently and passive aggressively, in direct opposition to reality and without any practical relevant experience, by you and a few others on this forum.

It's not completely, entirely and utterly impossible to have a much better marriage and even a great model marriage in spite of previous infidelity. It doesn't happen every time and certainly it's a lot more challenging to get there after infidelity. It's hard to get there even without infidelity; but, sometimes, such marital trauma DOES, like a near death experience, alter the trajectory of the marital relationship to heights it probably wouldn't have seen any other way. We weren't good at marriage ~ now we are and THAT is what made|makes all the difference.

I wish I could say everything in one word. I hate all the things that can happen between the beginning of a sentence and the end. ~ Leonard Cohen
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post #134 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 07:55 AM Thread Starter
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Yeah it's quite obvious how well everyone has recovered on the R board on SI. I mean you seem well adjusted.
That R board can be a sad place - I feel for those folks - multiple APs - multile ddays - I wish those people had more faith in themselves and a better future and made the decisive choice to leave their sh!tty spouse behind.

“But not all men seek rest and peace; some are born with the spirit of the storm in their blood.” ― Robert E. Howard
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post #135 of 212 (permalink) Old 04-14-2017, 08:24 AM
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Re: What Are The Long Term Effects Of An Affair?

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Any WS who says they did not enjoy the high of the affair or the nasty affair sex is lying....what they dont like is paying the bill for getting caught..
That's why I roll my eyes up all the way into the back of my head when I read the utter NONSENSE so many BS's post on SI about the supposed 'bad' sex their husbands claim to have had with their OW. You can actually picture them smirking with a sense of superiority as they type their post because they actually believe the bull**** they were fed by their cheaters on D-Day.

You constantly see BS's posting, "the OW begged my husband to have sex and finally wore him down. But he couldn't keep an erection no matter how hard he tried and he threw up on the way home...." or, "my husband had sex with her once and he said it was SO horrible that he kept finding excuses not to do it again..." and, "he hated having sex with her and said he had to think of ME when he did it or he couldn't finish..."

OMG. The sheer delusion. Seriously.
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